by iggy
July 16, 2010
The crickets work overtime.
Snitsky will appear in Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge.
Mike Check's daughter tries to raise bail money.
C.S. Irwin talks about Lisa Marie.
TNAECW haiku
#moral #doesn't require oil
Random Thoughts From the Office: July 16, 2010
For the record I think a "Manos" sequel featuring Gene Snitsky is God's gift to comedy. Now if we can weasel a way into getting our unseen but vital third member Erik Majorwitz to review it when it comes out, then we have a winner folks. But really, can it be worse than that fucking Karate Kid remake? Didn't think so.
SPEAKING OF Remakes. (I've always wanted to do that) We turn to the case of TNA's Hard Justice, also known as "ECW One Night Stand by another name is still ECW One Night Stand" and the whole growing belief that Paul Heyman is going to be the only saviour for the company.
Before we start let me say I love ECW. Not to break kayfabe but as a fan in Australia only 3 DVD's were ever released (Guilty as Charged, Living Dangerously and Hardcore Heaven 2000. On the plus side they were sold for like a dollar in our version of Walmart) so to really be a hardcore ECW mark like myself you had to spend a LOT of money, some of it wasted to go through tape traders. Yet I did it willingly because ECW, unlike the then WWF and WCW of the time appealed directly to me. There was no childlike gimmicks like the WWF had, which even as a teenager insulted my intelligence. WCW was never really big in Australia at least to me till about 1998. It was very, very tough if you wanted to watch Nitro in Australia, it was usually buried on Turner Classic Movies at midnight on a Saturday night, when you were either out drinking or home drunk. If only TiVo existed then.
ECW was different though, it had compelling characters like Raven, great storylines and great wrestling as well, something ECW isn't given enough credit for. I mean, sure they had a lot of hardcore elements, a lot of blood, a lot of misogynistic beating of women but it also had great wrestling, especially during the early years. ECW I believe was popular because it appealed to everyone over the age of 12. If you wanted to see blood and guts and hardcore brawling you had guys like Sabu, Cactus Jack, Public Enemy and the Gangstas. If you wanted great storylines look no further than Dreamer versus Raven and to a lesser extent the Network angle. If you wanted great wrestling, there was Jericho, Guerrero, Malenko, Exodia the Forbidden One (Note: That's my smartass title for Chris Benoit, which is a whole other column to explain) then later on you had guys like Rob Van Dam, Taz and Jerry Lynn. There was something for everyone and everyone soon fell in love with the little promotion that could.
Sadly though ECW fell victim to the same pressure almost every federation has, the need to compete. Debts spiraled out of control, wrestlers stopped getting paid, they lost their deal with TNN and the whole promotion was given up to the WWE for the wrestling equivalent of 75 cents.
But unlike other feds (with the exception of WCW) of its time, ECW never died in the hearts of fans. When WWE brought out "The Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD it quickly become one of their top selling DVD's EVER. When Vince decided to cash in a little and create ECW One Night Stand in 2005 it became one of the best selling Pay Per Views of the year. When it happened again in 2006 Vince got hours worth of programming on Sci-Fi and gave ECW the rebirth many fans had hoped for and there was much rejoicing.....at first. Then everyone realized how bad it was. The things that made ECW ECW couldn't be done on a WWE controlled show, add that to the fact that the ECW favorites were pretty much used to make stars of the WWE talent and ECW fans gave up quick. Not that it was a failure, ECW directly created the careers of CM Punk and John Morrison and also gave Matt Striker a chance to become the best colour man going around today in my opinion. It just didn't hook in the ECW audience.
Which brings us to TNA and their hope to get Heyman. It is very much a great idea. Paul Heyman has one of the greatest minds in wrestling and can use anyone and make them seem like a star. The young talent on the roster than any ever assembled and so he'll have his chance, but he's also going to have to jettison some top stars to do, specifically Jeff Hardy and his favorite Rob Van Dam.
Before anyone gets upset, I'm not saying that there's no place in TNA for Jeff or RVD. There clearly is, but there comes a time where the time in the main event for them has to come to an end, a time when it's best for all for them to use their star power to bring the guys who need it, the Beer Moneys, the Kazarians, the Desmond Wolfes up to the next level. It's the age old problem promotions have always had. It happened in WCW, it's happening in WWE and it's now coming up in TNA. Promoters and bookers don't want to change while the cash is rolling in (Or in TNA's alleged case, not rolling in) but by doing so they destroy their future by making the next generation look weak.
Let's be brutally honest for one moment. TNA is NOT going to compete with the WWE anytime in the foreseeable future. If Hogan and Bischoff couldn't come up with a way to help the company in seven months then Heyman ain't going to do it in five. What TNA needs now is a solid three to five year plan, which will include a lot of short term pain for their long term gain. Their current star power, with the exception of The Pope, AJ Styles and Abyss need to go for the top of the card. Angle is fine where he is, Joe needs to come back up and the guys I mentioned earlier along with people like Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Doug Williams and other homegrown talent to get an audience slowly building up; then when they're ready and only when they're ready can they then try to compete.
In the end the best advice for TNA may come from a guy who couldn't help them - Eric Bischoff. He wrote words to this effect in Controversy Equals Cash. "You have three options when it comes to the WWE: You can be better than them, worse than them or different from them." We all know in our hearts that for the foreseeable future TNA will never be better than the WWE, being worse is exactly where they are now: on the verge of death. So they must be different than them. And for once if they want to be different they're making the right choice by signing the man who competed with the big two when no one said he could for so long. Paul Heyman.
Now, Big Show in the remake of "Harry and the Hendersons"? License to print money.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason.
SPEAKING OF Remakes. (I've always wanted to do that) We turn to the case of TNA's Hard Justice, also known as "ECW One Night Stand by another name is still ECW One Night Stand" and the whole growing belief that Paul Heyman is going to be the only saviour for the company.
Before we start let me say I love ECW. Not to break kayfabe but as a fan in Australia only 3 DVD's were ever released (Guilty as Charged, Living Dangerously and Hardcore Heaven 2000. On the plus side they were sold for like a dollar in our version of Walmart) so to really be a hardcore ECW mark like myself you had to spend a LOT of money, some of it wasted to go through tape traders. Yet I did it willingly because ECW, unlike the then WWF and WCW of the time appealed directly to me. There was no childlike gimmicks like the WWF had, which even as a teenager insulted my intelligence. WCW was never really big in Australia at least to me till about 1998. It was very, very tough if you wanted to watch Nitro in Australia, it was usually buried on Turner Classic Movies at midnight on a Saturday night, when you were either out drinking or home drunk. If only TiVo existed then.
ECW was different though, it had compelling characters like Raven, great storylines and great wrestling as well, something ECW isn't given enough credit for. I mean, sure they had a lot of hardcore elements, a lot of blood, a lot of misogynistic beating of women but it also had great wrestling, especially during the early years. ECW I believe was popular because it appealed to everyone over the age of 12. If you wanted to see blood and guts and hardcore brawling you had guys like Sabu, Cactus Jack, Public Enemy and the Gangstas. If you wanted great storylines look no further than Dreamer versus Raven and to a lesser extent the Network angle. If you wanted great wrestling, there was Jericho, Guerrero, Malenko, Exodia the Forbidden One (Note: That's my smartass title for Chris Benoit, which is a whole other column to explain) then later on you had guys like Rob Van Dam, Taz and Jerry Lynn. There was something for everyone and everyone soon fell in love with the little promotion that could.
Sadly though ECW fell victim to the same pressure almost every federation has, the need to compete. Debts spiraled out of control, wrestlers stopped getting paid, they lost their deal with TNN and the whole promotion was given up to the WWE for the wrestling equivalent of 75 cents.
But unlike other feds (with the exception of WCW) of its time, ECW never died in the hearts of fans. When WWE brought out "The Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD it quickly become one of their top selling DVD's EVER. When Vince decided to cash in a little and create ECW One Night Stand in 2005 it became one of the best selling Pay Per Views of the year. When it happened again in 2006 Vince got hours worth of programming on Sci-Fi and gave ECW the rebirth many fans had hoped for and there was much rejoicing.....at first. Then everyone realized how bad it was. The things that made ECW ECW couldn't be done on a WWE controlled show, add that to the fact that the ECW favorites were pretty much used to make stars of the WWE talent and ECW fans gave up quick. Not that it was a failure, ECW directly created the careers of CM Punk and John Morrison and also gave Matt Striker a chance to become the best colour man going around today in my opinion. It just didn't hook in the ECW audience.
Which brings us to TNA and their hope to get Heyman. It is very much a great idea. Paul Heyman has one of the greatest minds in wrestling and can use anyone and make them seem like a star. The young talent on the roster than any ever assembled and so he'll have his chance, but he's also going to have to jettison some top stars to do, specifically Jeff Hardy and his favorite Rob Van Dam.
Before anyone gets upset, I'm not saying that there's no place in TNA for Jeff or RVD. There clearly is, but there comes a time where the time in the main event for them has to come to an end, a time when it's best for all for them to use their star power to bring the guys who need it, the Beer Moneys, the Kazarians, the Desmond Wolfes up to the next level. It's the age old problem promotions have always had. It happened in WCW, it's happening in WWE and it's now coming up in TNA. Promoters and bookers don't want to change while the cash is rolling in (Or in TNA's alleged case, not rolling in) but by doing so they destroy their future by making the next generation look weak.
Let's be brutally honest for one moment. TNA is NOT going to compete with the WWE anytime in the foreseeable future. If Hogan and Bischoff couldn't come up with a way to help the company in seven months then Heyman ain't going to do it in five. What TNA needs now is a solid three to five year plan, which will include a lot of short term pain for their long term gain. Their current star power, with the exception of The Pope, AJ Styles and Abyss need to go for the top of the card. Angle is fine where he is, Joe needs to come back up and the guys I mentioned earlier along with people like Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Doug Williams and other homegrown talent to get an audience slowly building up; then when they're ready and only when they're ready can they then try to compete.
In the end the best advice for TNA may come from a guy who couldn't help them - Eric Bischoff. He wrote words to this effect in Controversy Equals Cash. "You have three options when it comes to the WWE: You can be better than them, worse than them or different from them." We all know in our hearts that for the foreseeable future TNA will never be better than the WWE, being worse is exactly where they are now: on the verge of death. So they must be different than them. And for once if they want to be different they're making the right choice by signing the man who competed with the big two when no one said he could for so long. Paul Heyman.
Now, Big Show in the remake of "Harry and the Hendersons"? License to print money.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason.
179 The Hands of Foot: July 16, 2010
61 minutes
The big news these days: Dixie Carter is pining for Paul Heyman to come visit and be yet another attempt to improve TNA. I shake my head in sad disbelief.
You know what's even worse though? RD is still working on the DVD. Remember when I said that it would be released in August? You know, that was meant to be a joke.
Also you know Blade is drunk when he constantly interrupts RD as he relates that he dreamed he was singing to the music of a defunct amusement park ride. Quote he: "I just don't think people are enjoying this as much as they used to." Angry Marks have sent new ad copy. (:14)
:17 Blade describes in detail his TRIP with a companion to see Cinderella in concert. Hilarity ensues.
:23 News. (That word sounds so funny by itself, doesn't it.) The Midnight Rose turned face at last week's wrestling appearance, dancing merrily at his side's victory. Blade shows him footage of this as RD tries to separate his alter-ego from his Co-Host. Sad News however: during all this reveling he split his pants, which for some reason made him unable to compete in the Battle Royale, or so he says. RD rightfully calls him a wuss.
:29 Gene "Boba Foot" Snitsky is said to be in the sequel of all things to the legendarily bad movie "Manos" The Hands Of Fate, called The Search For Valley Lodge. This thus makes Blade try to insert Star Wars into the discussion. Will Heidenreich also star? (My guess is he would be the Master, always sodomizing Torgo and his wrestling wives who stand around in his backyard.) [Then he could kill the babies as his wives got pregnant and spend the whole movie claiming it wasn't his fault. Why are we not writing the script for this? - "Showstealer"] The duo see both wrestlers in a promo to judge for themselves, which seems to have the two grunting heavily while reciting bad dialogue. Perhaps their 'idea' is one that Popeye would greatly approve of.
As for this Manos sequel, not to be obvious, but I don't really think it's a good idea. (And no, I'm not Clarence, so this isn't his Thoughts from the Office.) Sure, all these bad movies are often charming because of their badness, but trying to 'replicate' that in a 'sequel' seems inauthentic and a tacky way to keep the movie alive in public consciousness. If you really feel like watching it when/if it's actually made is the thing for you, I have three alternatives:
You're welcome.
Anyway, Scott Hall is 'very ill' with pneumonia. (:41) Let us hope it is just a minor thing and he gets well soon.
RD is too lazy to answer any actual Questions this week (though I won't blame him, with his DVD editing and all), so he instead indirectly advertises his new item: Mike Check T-Shirts. Speaking for myself, that is BRILLIANT. I'm definitely going to buy one of those for myself. A warning though before you go ahead and buy one (and you really should); they're only available in XL or XXL. He also promises that he may return prizes for Questions through his authored books, which you may recall is something he originally did when he first started this progrem all those years ago.
Also, RD still hasn't given a name for the man's daughter. Speaking of people who don't have a name either...
:49 Blade gets a knock on his door as Sir Alec - I mean, Caruso, enters to do his part of TNA News man. But why does he have to physically come up to Kansas to do it? It's a long way from Florida. Also, if they really wanted to bring his 'personality' on the show, they should come up with a more original name. So of course I'll just give him one instead (like I did with his predecessor). From here on out I shall call him John Kelly, named after his character on NYPD Blue. (Also check out Kelly's Wikipedia 'page'. Apparently the only good picture they could find for it was one from CSI. Heh.)
So Caruso - I mean, John Kelly - is yet again on TNA's case. Wow, that thing is a serial killer! He calls RD 'Frank' (From LA?) It seems Victoria is returning to TNA after taking a hiatus sometime ago. That's all we get. Not even his quip is good enough, the slacker. Then he leaves Blade's house without even closing the door. Despite this, RD still thinks he's the best TNA guy they've had so far.
:53 News. (See? Funny.) RD is heartened by the fact that Triple H had surgery. "Hunter is getting older," he notes. In other news the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's all the News we get.
Dixie Carter. Paul Heyman. Seventeen syllables please.
TNA's new plan.
More shit we didn't need back:
ECW.
At the last minute Jim Ross calls in, angered at his voice being removed from the beginnings of RAW.
Jim: "Who in the hell wouldn't want to hear my voice every week?"
RD: "Ahhh, us."
The big news these days: Dixie Carter is pining for Paul Heyman to come visit and be yet another attempt to improve TNA. I shake my head in sad disbelief.
You know what's even worse though? RD is still working on the DVD. Remember when I said that it would be released in August? You know, that was meant to be a joke.
Also you know Blade is drunk when he constantly interrupts RD as he relates that he dreamed he was singing to the music of a defunct amusement park ride. Quote he: "I just don't think people are enjoying this as much as they used to." Angry Marks have sent new ad copy. (:14)
:17 Blade describes in detail his TRIP with a companion to see Cinderella in concert. Hilarity ensues.
:23 News. (That word sounds so funny by itself, doesn't it.) The Midnight Rose turned face at last week's wrestling appearance, dancing merrily at his side's victory. Blade shows him footage of this as RD tries to separate his alter-ego from his Co-Host. Sad News however: during all this reveling he split his pants, which for some reason made him unable to compete in the Battle Royale, or so he says. RD rightfully calls him a wuss.
:29 Gene "Boba Foot" Snitsky is said to be in the sequel of all things to the legendarily bad movie "Manos" The Hands Of Fate, called The Search For Valley Lodge. This thus makes Blade try to insert Star Wars into the discussion. Will Heidenreich also star? (My guess is he would be the Master, always sodomizing Torgo and his wrestling wives who stand around in his backyard.) [Then he could kill the babies as his wives got pregnant and spend the whole movie claiming it wasn't his fault. Why are we not writing the script for this? - "Showstealer"] The duo see both wrestlers in a promo to judge for themselves, which seems to have the two grunting heavily while reciting bad dialogue. Perhaps their 'idea' is one that Popeye would greatly approve of.
As for this Manos sequel, not to be obvious, but I don't really think it's a good idea. (And no, I'm not Clarence, so this isn't his Thoughts from the Office.) Sure, all these bad movies are often charming because of their badness, but trying to 'replicate' that in a 'sequel' seems inauthentic and a tacky way to keep the movie alive in public consciousness. If you really feel like watching it when/if it's actually made is the thing for you, I have three alternatives:
- Watch the original movie, or at least the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of it. Love it or hate it, it doesn't really hurt to. Well, the movie does hurt in how bad it is, but at least the short before it is a barrel of laughter. "We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!"
- Watch the quite good documentary Hotel Torgo / Torpocalypse Now, which concerns the making of the movie in question, or:
- Watch this looping clip of Torgo shuffling around for 90 minutes while playing his haunting Theme.
You're welcome.
Anyway, Scott Hall is 'very ill' with pneumonia. (:41) Let us hope it is just a minor thing and he gets well soon.
 |
| Fascinating. |
Also, RD still hasn't given a name for the man's daughter. Speaking of people who don't have a name either...
:49 Blade gets a knock on his door as Sir Alec - I mean, Caruso, enters to do his part of TNA News man. But why does he have to physically come up to Kansas to do it? It's a long way from Florida. Also, if they really wanted to bring his 'personality' on the show, they should come up with a more original name. So of course I'll just give him one instead (like I did with his predecessor). From here on out I shall call him John Kelly, named after his character on NYPD Blue. (Also check out Kelly's Wikipedia 'page'. Apparently the only good picture they could find for it was one from CSI. Heh.)
So Caruso - I mean, John Kelly - is yet again on TNA's case. Wow, that thing is a serial killer! He calls RD 'Frank' (From LA?) It seems Victoria is returning to TNA after taking a hiatus sometime ago. That's all we get. Not even his quip is good enough, the slacker. Then he leaves Blade's house without even closing the door. Despite this, RD still thinks he's the best TNA guy they've had so far.
:53 News. (See? Funny.) RD is heartened by the fact that Triple H had surgery. "Hunter is getting older," he notes. In other news the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's all the News we get.
Dixie Carter. Paul Heyman. Seventeen syllables please.
TNA's new plan.
More shit we didn't need back:
ECW.
At the last minute Jim Ross calls in, angered at his voice being removed from the beginnings of RAW.
Jim: "Who in the hell wouldn't want to hear my voice every week?"
RD: "Ahhh, us."