RD Reynolds Talks About Kurt Angle (by ljh7557)
(Source: http://www.youtube.com/)
WCR Video: RD Reynolds Talks About Kurt Angle
New clip of the time RD and Blade actually talked about wrestling on Wrestlecrap Radio episode #32:
RD Reynolds Talks About Kurt Angle (by ljh7557)
RD Reynolds Talks About Kurt Angle (by ljh7557)
Angry Jim's Mailbag #5: Dark Journey's Leg Scissors (September 27, 2012)
(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the Wrestlecrap Radio character.)(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)
How ya doin' tonight nerds!
Since Mailbag #4, one of my friends in the business, Jerry "The King" lawler, suffered from a heart attack! He's currently still recovering and doing well! I knew that thinking of puppies so much at his age wouldn't do him any good! So out of respect to King, I decided to join the commentary booth on Raw to fill in for him! When I arrived at the arena, they told me that I had to go easy on Cole and JBL! So I promised that I would be civil and even bit my tongue telling Cole that I was proud of him! I'm a professional after all! So instead, I only whacked Cole with my hat after the show! F*** yourself Cole!
Oh and **** yourself Sandow! "Slobberknocker" IS a REAL word! It was a device used in the middle ages for people to beat their meat with! Look it up!
So what have you ****ing nerds got for me this time?
Sean Bateman asks: The 'crappers needed you on commentary instead on Raw. F***king dumbass Micheal Cole not doing his job.
When has that f** Cole ever done his job?! That guy's voice sounds like a whinny little b***h and he doesn't even know how to call rasslin' holds properly! But Vince won't let me commentate on RAW full-time because of my palsy face (which that son of a ***** likes to make fun of on camera! "Be a Star" my ass!)! That's why they stuck me on that ****ing NXT in that p**s smelling dump in Florida! I sometimes get Hollywood John to fill in for me so i don't have to go there! No one even watches that **** to notice the difference anyway!Michael McStevens asks: How do you feel about Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara mocking you with that "Oklahoma" character in WCW?
Ed's lucky that Jim Cornette (that crazy b*****d makes me look tame!) only b***h slapped that mother*****r for mocking my palsy! I would of stomped a mudhole in his ass and walked it dry if I ever saw that rat b*****d! I don't blame poor Doc for being dragged into it since he had to feed his family! But Ed and that dumb**** Russo, who can't write rasslin' for ****, can go **** themselves! And what type of idiot would want to do a stupid over-the-top parody of me anyway?!(R.V.M Kai's edit: Um...I don’t know either Jim?)
Premier Blah asks: I'm currently reading a book about the 'greatness' that was the XFL, including you doing commentary during matches. Do you think the League is due to make a comeback these days? Do you prefer the XFL to WWE today? And have you petitioned Vince to get Ventura to take over Cole's announcing job?
F*** Blah! How many questions is that?! Firstly, I ****ing hope XFL doesn't come back! You know what I used to call it?!: The "Xtremely ****ed League! The "Sooners" could've beat any of those XFL's teams any day of the week! But yes, I would take XFL over...hell...I'd choose that g** ass Bodybuilding show Vince used to own over anything in WWE today! And as far as Jesse is concerned, I used to petition to bring him in to do commentary all the time! He and I would be a better RAW commentary team than Cole and King (Sorry King, but you screaming "Puppies" used to annoy the **** out of me)!Ben Dover asks: What’s your obsession with Dark Journey? Have you crossed paths lately?
She’s the sexiest bald woman I've ever seen! I fell in love with her back in our Mid-South days when she once demonstrated her "leg scissors" on me, and it was the closest I got the her nice cleavage...and her t*ts as well! But unfortunately, we went our separate ways after UWF folded and I haven’t seen her since! I was going to meet her at Wrestlereunion earlier in the year, but I suffered an injury that prevented that! That p***k Johnny Age sent a truck to ram into me after I was tailing him in my car (have I mentioned that I hate that mother*****r!)! Plus my wife hid my wheelchair and kept me hostage in my room like in that movie "Misery" (the b**** must’ve known about it somehow?)!Dana Fitkowski: I'm angry too JR...but after I watched this clip I felt a lot better and loved wrasslin again! Check it out.
Didn't work! I watched that and I'm still ****ing angry! But there's something that's going to make me feel a lot better! Vince recently bought Mid-South's tape library and I'm going to see if I can steal some tapes from WWE's warehouse to make my own DVD project. It's going to be called: "The Best Of Dark Journey"! And it's just for my private collection! Did you think I was going to release it to you ****ing nerds?! Go **** yourselves!
Hollywood John asks: When are you still going to pay me, boss?
F*** yourself! Stop your ****ing whining and just make the damn sauce you lazy ass b*****d! I'll pay you when you stop stealing and eating my Jerky! I know it's you! That stuff's not free you son of a *****!R.V.M Kai's asks: Jim, I hear a rumour that Raging_Demons & Sheriff Harry Dickwell are paying you a visit very soon concerning the whereabouts of Mike Check.
Well they can go **** themselves! And who's Mike Check?! Is he that guy on the Twitter who plays that sh***y music?! Hey ***hole, play some ****ing ZZ Top! "Legs" reminds me of Dark Journey!To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.
Lost (Mike) Check & The Temple of Porn (Part 2)
Upon further digging I found out that Mike Check SOMEHOW left where he was being held in Folsom Prison where he was arrested for lack of paying child support for over at LEAST 500 kids that he has (and that we know about), but he has one loyal daughter to him who is apparently not only a giant whore that will sleep with anything with a pulse; but a giant whore with big, giant, fake boobs and a “hell of a whiz kid” according to Mike himself.
Running out of leads and ideas on how to find Mike one of my stripper friends from my local club actually ran into Mike Check’s daughter and didn’t even know about it. According to my conversation with my friend it sounds like MC's daughter is heading back to Sacramento which is near to…Folsom Prison.
The plot thickens and I take a trip to Sacramento while on the...fascinating trail for Mike Check.)
Aw yes, Sacramento. If you want a great description of it you’re not getting one from me! Sacramento is like any other major city in your world except they don’t house a rapist in their city…Kobe! Sacramento has the Kings and...that’s it! Okay, okay I may be going a wee bit overboard here; I have family in the area. I’m in a city with no clues following maybe a typical stereotype trying to find an aging DJ so why am I here again?!? Oh yeah, I have to find a dated DJ or else I get fed to a Zombie, lovely.
So I tried what got me here in the first place; the local strip clubs to see if Mike Check’s daughter may be working in one of them. That turned out to be a very bad idea. Not only did those strip clubs leave me nearly broke but I got nothing. I saw one brunette with giant, fake boobs, but other than that all blondes with average boobs and none of them were bright enough to fix even a deck of cards more than being a tech genius!
So the next thing I did was play out the big boobed angle yet again but this time played the political angle by thinking that MC’s daughter may be working as a prostitute/paid escort (same difference to me). Basically I pissed off the entire Sacramento prostitute market by not paying them and asking for information but other than that I got nothing, and I’m basically banned from the Sacramento prostitute area which is SO nice! I ran out of ideas so I didn’t know what to do next.
I thought since I was out of ideas and in Sacramento I might as well go visit the family. So there I was after a one-hour drive to see my family and let me tell you it was a great time for me to see them since I haven’t seen them physically in months. They asked me why I was here so I recapped my entire story to them, and they didn’t believe the part where if I don’t find Mike Check I get fed to a Zombie Nerd! They still didn’t believe me, so I showed them footage of Zombie Nathaniel attacking one of his victims, before stating that “Doctor Who” is the greatest Sci-Fi show ever and “Star Trek” is such a rip-off...which then led to Zombie Nathaniel eating his victim’s brains! Mom felt a little worried about me while the brother was literally rolling on the floor laughing at me hoping that I’ll fail. Who knew that people can actually be “Rolling on The Floor Laughing"?
After catching up with how things were going in our lives the family decided to take me out to dinner. Sometimes moms can do things for you that nobody can and in this instance she gave me a lead. She suggested that I go to Folsom Prison in person to see what was going on. I said that I already checked Folsom and that led to me being here. Her reply was that "maybe a personal visit would bring in a whole new perspective".
That’s actually not a bad idea because sometimes when you deal with people on the phone it just leads basically nowhere so maybe by visiting Folsom personally I can figure out what the hell is going on here with the whole Mike Check disappearance deal. I thanked my family for the help they can give me in this mess.
Folsom Prison is actually in a town that’s called “Folsom”, which is one hell of a coincidence! Now from Sacramento to Folsom usually takes about 20 minutes or so but since I was starting my day by leaving my family’s home we are talking about a one-and-a-half hour trip! That sounds like no fun!
So to kill the time during the trip I was thinking of some plans to stall Zombie Nathaniel from eating me: I was thinking either the whole “Star Trek”/”Star Wars” debate or maybe check to see if Zombie Nate was a brony because if he was, man he probably talk my ear off on “My Little Pony” that would give me enough time to escape! That would probably work right? RIGHT?!? I’m betting probably not since zombies love the smell of warm flesh and I would be dead so fast.
I arrived at the prison and tried to arrange a normal prisoner visit. Of course I expected the answer that Mike Check wouldn’t be at the prison so I asked where he was.
The response I got at the office was a pretty weird one; they told me that Mike had a “prisoner transfer”!
Are you kidding me?!?
Mike Check had a “Convenient” prison transfer to the “Wrestlecrap Radio Series Finale”!?!? Oh HELL NO!
I immediately headed towards the Warden’s office to see how in the hell did Mike Check get a transfer out of Folsom! There I was about to meet with the Warden of Folsom Prison…or should I say HAD to meet the Warden if he was in his office. Okay fine, I come back tomorrow and see if he’s back, no big deal.
Yeah, it became a big deal with I kept re-visiting the Warden’s office for over a week at different times and having the same results: The Warden was not at his office. The weird part was that The Warden wasn’t in his office at all for the past 2 weeks! No vacation time, nothing else special, just gone! Okay that’s very weird!
I needed to track down that Warden but unfortunately I was broke as hell for the moment so I have to either A: Find a cheap ass way to track The Warden down or B: Borrow some money. While I was leaving the prison’s visiting area trying to get the hell out of this prison and trying to figure out some excuse to call PB for some extra money a prisoner somehow noticed me. The prisoner has seen me in and out of this prison and was really curious as to what I’m doing here; I told him that I was looking for a guy by the name of Mike Check; the prisoner at first didn’t know who he was until I described to him what Mike Check is.
Then the prisoner exclaimed “Oh, you mean Al Catraz?!?” Al Catraz?!? Da Hell?!?
The prisoner explained to me what happened to Mike Check, I mean Al Catraz! Folsom Prison has morning announcements for the day and The Warden has the prisoners do the announcements so they can contribute. But leave it to Mike Check to go overboard on something; he decided that doing just the morning announcements wasn’t good enough. He had turned the intercom system into his own radio station calling it “KBRK, The Breakout” and started calling himself “Al Catraz” because he thought it would “Play well in this particular market.” After that he was playing mostly songs that would involve prison breaks like “Jailbreak” by Thin Lizzy, and thanks to this he accidentally caused a prison riot. The Warden threw Mike Check in solitary for not only inciting the riot but having a lot of prisoners wanting to kick his ass.
The next day after the riot a visitor arrived that fit the description of Mike Check’s daughter with one difference. She didn’t have the giant fun bags that she has now at the time. The next day Mike somehow left Folsom a free man, and hours after that the Warden left the prison with Mike Check’s daughter holding her waist!!!
Double Da Hell?!?
The prisoner then told me he knew where the happy couple of the Warden and MC’s daughter went to, but for a price; in exchange for the information I had to give up Trolla Corp’s latest product in the food industry designed for college students: “The Ramen Trolla” which is designed to make anything into yummy, tasty, Ramen (if you like the taste of sweat socks that is.). The prisoner told me the happy couple was staying at a local Folsom hotel called the “Lake Natoma Inn”. I thanked the man and took off.
Aw yes, the “Lake Natoma Inn”. It’s here where I get to find Mike Check here and bring him to wrestlecraradio.com! Luckily it was easily to find the Warden here since he used his real name but I couldn’t get his room number! So I figured the only way to get to his hotel room would be to follow him very quietly using my “ninja skills”. Hey my ninja skills had worked dodging needy strippers, bill collectors, and Tammy Lynn Sytch (don’t ask)!
Finally I reached the room, I take a deep breath knowing that this will all come to an end, and then I slowly knocked on the door.
“About time you came back”, said what was behind the door which I assumed was the Warden, “now get back in here and get naked because I want to do the “Pink Sock” then the “Tony Danza” and…You’re not Clarabelle!”
“Yeah! No-“ I said briefly before the Warden tried to close the door on me. I jammed my foot in the door so I can get in and grabbed the Warden who was apparently wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a smile (I know, EW!).
“Now listen!” I yelled. “I’m looking for Mike Check and you have something to do with this! TALK!”
“Mike who?” wondered the Warden.
I sighed then said “You know, old guy with the cowboy hat, grizzled beard, talks forever, talks about his radio career on…and on…and…on”
“You mean Al Catraz?” says The Warden.
“Yes.” I said. “Now talk!”
For time constraints this is the Warden’s full story with Mike Check:
Mike Check was spending his time in prison at Folsom with his daughter, “Clarabelle”, spending it peacefully learning how to post entries for his website “The Mike Check Show” thanks to a prison program while Clarabelle ran the entire site and basically did the work. But this is Mike Check we’re talking about and he got as far as how to open Internet Explorer. Other than that he was living in hell.
After Clarabelle told her dear old dad about how his previous employers was ending their show Mike wanted more than ever to get out of prison to be there in person. Clarabelle, who was previously trying to get her dad out but failed at each time claiming that he was innocent, tried again but this time at a different angle of getting her dad out for the Series Finale of “Wrestlecrap Radio” but unfortunately that failed each and every time. Mike was offered the morning announcements by The Warden and, well, you know how that went! Clarabelle begged and pleaded with the Warden to get her dad out of solitary but the Warden wouldn’t have any of it. Then…
You know all those stories we keep hearing how Mike Check’s daughter a.k.a. Clarabelle was one giant whore? Well they’re true and she’s EXTREMELY skilled at it! Clarabelle and the Warden “did the deed” for about a hour at least and the Warden liked it…a lot!
Afterwards he agreed with Clarabelle and had Mike released as a “prison transfer” so he wouldn’t get into any trouble in exchange for Clarabelle to be his sex slave. Clarabelle agreed to the deal but added one more condition of wanting to get some breast implants because she was made fun all these years having boobs smaller than an A-Cup and she wants to be a cup bigger to make herself happy. The Warden agreed to that but he’s a boob man so he got Clarabelle giant H-Cup sized boobs because he wants them! (Basically the Warden pulled a “Biff Tannen” from “Back to the Future 2”.) Clarabelle reluctantly agreed and since then she has been mostly using her whoring skills to get money, live her life, & satisfy The Warden’s perverted needs in order to keep her dad free and out of jail, but he does not know where Mike Check is at all!
After hearing that story I was about to ask where Clarabelle was when suddenly the front door gets smashed in & dozens of police officers come rushing into the hotel room! “Arrest Them All!” said one officer. Looks like the Warden did more than abuse power because he was arrested for drug trafficking, blackmail, extortion, and lots more! As for me, I had no idea why I was being handcuffed right at this moment! “Who the hell are you and why are you doing this?!?” I yelled.
The officer says “I’m Sheriff Harry Dickwell, and you’re coming with me!”
Epilogue: Well it's been two weeks since that whole mess with the Warden down in Folsom. The Warden’s in jail now, Clarabelle is still missing and I’m the reluctant partner now to Sheriff Dickwell riding along beside him in his police car. It seems like "Dirty" Harry was brought in because of the possible corruption in Folsom and he thought that Mike Check was behind it all.
Yup, true story. Mike Check as a criminal mastermind is definitely a new one to me.
When I mentioned that I worked for Wrestlecrapradio.com Sheriff Dickwell removed the handcuffs from me since he previously worked with PB in bringing Mike Check to prison in the first place. The both of us have checked every lead that might had mentioned either Mike Check or Clarabelle...nothing! Hell, we even checked the El Paso Market, Mike’s favorite radio market, and...nothing!
But while checking out the Wrestlecrapradio.com website something immediately caught my eye! “Angry” Jim Ross was doing one of his “Mailbag” columns again and he got an e-mail from Mike Check! After doing some research I found out there were definitely some “Starbucks”, the place where Mike sent his e-mail from, on Route 66 in Oklahoma! After finding out on this the Sheriff hit the gas!
“What are you doing?!?” I said.
“You said there were some Starbucks on Route 66!” he said, “And after we check them out we’re going to have a nice little talk with Jim Ross!”
Looks like Sheriff Harry Dickwell and myself are taking a TRIP…To Oklahoma to find Angry Jim Ross!
Random Thoughts from the Office: September 11, 2012
It is a very strange, very sombre sort of day today and not just for the obvious reason. There seems to be some sort of a pathetic irony that as we remember in our own ways the tragic events that happened 11 years ago that many of us as wrestling fans are waiting and praying that Jerry "The King" Lawler pulls through this, his greatest challenge and survives and even continues to thrive.
Now I'm not going to sit here and go through all the events one by one and how there is that weird Owen Hart vibe going on. Blah already did that better than I could. What I want to do is talk about how I saw it watching on TV and how I really feel sitting here today waiting as many of you are, waiting for any news, be it good or (I pray it's not) bad.
You see, Jerry Lawler to me is one of the final, tangible links to my childhood. I grew up as a wrestling fan, I've watched since I was 3 years old and so many of the heroes of my past are either dead or somewhere I can't see them any more. I spoke a little about that when Randy Savage passed away last year but while I was distraught over the Macho Man's death, I still had one very close piece to hang onto, that being Jerry "The King" Lawler.
It seems amazing that he has such a hold on people when he was so hated when he first came into the then WWF and began a fued with Bret "Hitman" Hart over his victory at King of the Ring. Lawler had something so few people ever get in this business. REAL heat. Tangible Heat. I myself always call it "Total Dickhood" after a famous angle in Japan featuring Dick Togo; you get the crowd so riled up that they almost want to kill you and thus will pay big money to see the babyface beat you up. In another twist of irony the example I always bring up of this is Jerry Lawler's cousin, The Honky Tonk Man, who did it so well when he was Intercontinental Champion.
But through the years as he transitioned from a full time wrestler to an announcer who occasionally wrestled on TV and the like, Lawler grew to become liked, respected, in some cases even loved. The reasons for this are many but I personally think that he says a lot of the things the audience are thinking, especially during the Attitude Era. By doing that and showing just as much emotion as he always has, Jerry became one of the key things, not just for me but for all of us. You can see that just by the reaction of Michael Cole when he was giving the updates last night.
The fleeting images we saw of Cole during the matches that followed that moment were perhaps the eeriest of all. I have no doubt that the people in the back were keeping him updated as things went on and you have to wonder how you would've done in that situation. I don't know if Cole and Lawler were close, I'd imagine they'd have to be for Lawler to allow him to get offense on him and do so well in some of their matches, so there is at least a mutual respect there. I think there's more than that though. Sean Coulthard was a man who covered the Yugoslav Civil War, he covered the Siege at Waco, he's seen true tragedy, true suffering, pure evil and when he saw a friend, a man he's worked alongside for so long, collapse, he did two things that if you take nothing else out of this, speaks wonders for the type of human being Mr. Coulthard is. He kept things professional; even as EMT's rushed the table just meters away from him, Michael Cole was able to call the match, keep things together enough until he knew the full story and carry on.
He also allowed the emotion, the fear to come. THIS is where I differ from Blah slightly. You see I go back to the night Owen Hart died and it always seems somewhat surreal to me and I think last night I finally understood why. You hear the old cliche about the "Owen Hart Voice", where an announcer will drop his octaves down to almost a whisper as he announces bad news or something like that. I look back on JR and Lawler from that night and it almost seems like I'm watching robots (I admit that may be my memory blocking it out as I haven't watched Over The Edge since that night, nor do I ever want to). Cole let his emotions show and by doing that he let you know that this wasn't story, this WAS real. The image of Cole sitting silent at the table with his head in his hands will stick with me for a long, long time. But make no mistake, whether you want to call him Michael Cole or Sean Coulthard, he did more than most of us will ever hope we could do if we were put in that situation. Last Night was the night Monday Night Raw no longer was JR's former show, it became Michael Cole's. Love him or hate him you have to respect him for what he did.
So as we wait for news we pray and hope things will be okay. As I went to bed last night, my prayers were with Jerry Lawler. However my thoughts for the most part were not with him, they weren't with Michael Cole either, as much as I have a new found respect for him. They weren't even with wrestling.
They were with Fabrice Muamba
For those of you who don't know the name, Fabrice Muamba was a soccer player. He had a dream, just like Jerry Lawler, just like so many who enter the sport of wrestling to be the best he could be, and he made arguably the biggest league of them all, the English Premier League, playing first for Birmingham and then Bolton. He was a lot like Jerry Lawler, doing the thing he loved the most and being damn good at it.
Till one day it all changed.
On March 17 this year while playing in a League Cup Semi Final, Muamba collapsed, much like Lawler did on Raw, just like Lawler his heart stopped. But unlike Lawler, Muamba was not (allegedly) revived after 20 minutes, he wasn't revived after 30 minutes, he wasn't even revived after 60 minutes.
Fabrice Muamba's heart was stopped for 78 minutes.
It was only through not giving up and determination that Muamba was brought back and while he will never play soccer again. Muamba's life is for the most part normal, he will be able to be happy and healthy because people never gave up on him.
Yes my thoughts were with Fabrice Muamba and through his story it gave me hope that maybe Jerry Lawler will survive this too; he is in for one hell of a fight but a fight is something "The King" has never back down from. I believe that like Muamba, he'll come back and win as well.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason
Now I'm not going to sit here and go through all the events one by one and how there is that weird Owen Hart vibe going on. Blah already did that better than I could. What I want to do is talk about how I saw it watching on TV and how I really feel sitting here today waiting as many of you are, waiting for any news, be it good or (I pray it's not) bad.
You see, Jerry Lawler to me is one of the final, tangible links to my childhood. I grew up as a wrestling fan, I've watched since I was 3 years old and so many of the heroes of my past are either dead or somewhere I can't see them any more. I spoke a little about that when Randy Savage passed away last year but while I was distraught over the Macho Man's death, I still had one very close piece to hang onto, that being Jerry "The King" Lawler.
It seems amazing that he has such a hold on people when he was so hated when he first came into the then WWF and began a fued with Bret "Hitman" Hart over his victory at King of the Ring. Lawler had something so few people ever get in this business. REAL heat. Tangible Heat. I myself always call it "Total Dickhood" after a famous angle in Japan featuring Dick Togo; you get the crowd so riled up that they almost want to kill you and thus will pay big money to see the babyface beat you up. In another twist of irony the example I always bring up of this is Jerry Lawler's cousin, The Honky Tonk Man, who did it so well when he was Intercontinental Champion.
But through the years as he transitioned from a full time wrestler to an announcer who occasionally wrestled on TV and the like, Lawler grew to become liked, respected, in some cases even loved. The reasons for this are many but I personally think that he says a lot of the things the audience are thinking, especially during the Attitude Era. By doing that and showing just as much emotion as he always has, Jerry became one of the key things, not just for me but for all of us. You can see that just by the reaction of Michael Cole when he was giving the updates last night.
The fleeting images we saw of Cole during the matches that followed that moment were perhaps the eeriest of all. I have no doubt that the people in the back were keeping him updated as things went on and you have to wonder how you would've done in that situation. I don't know if Cole and Lawler were close, I'd imagine they'd have to be for Lawler to allow him to get offense on him and do so well in some of their matches, so there is at least a mutual respect there. I think there's more than that though. Sean Coulthard was a man who covered the Yugoslav Civil War, he covered the Siege at Waco, he's seen true tragedy, true suffering, pure evil and when he saw a friend, a man he's worked alongside for so long, collapse, he did two things that if you take nothing else out of this, speaks wonders for the type of human being Mr. Coulthard is. He kept things professional; even as EMT's rushed the table just meters away from him, Michael Cole was able to call the match, keep things together enough until he knew the full story and carry on.
He also allowed the emotion, the fear to come. THIS is where I differ from Blah slightly. You see I go back to the night Owen Hart died and it always seems somewhat surreal to me and I think last night I finally understood why. You hear the old cliche about the "Owen Hart Voice", where an announcer will drop his octaves down to almost a whisper as he announces bad news or something like that. I look back on JR and Lawler from that night and it almost seems like I'm watching robots (I admit that may be my memory blocking it out as I haven't watched Over The Edge since that night, nor do I ever want to). Cole let his emotions show and by doing that he let you know that this wasn't story, this WAS real. The image of Cole sitting silent at the table with his head in his hands will stick with me for a long, long time. But make no mistake, whether you want to call him Michael Cole or Sean Coulthard, he did more than most of us will ever hope we could do if we were put in that situation. Last Night was the night Monday Night Raw no longer was JR's former show, it became Michael Cole's. Love him or hate him you have to respect him for what he did.
So as we wait for news we pray and hope things will be okay. As I went to bed last night, my prayers were with Jerry Lawler. However my thoughts for the most part were not with him, they weren't with Michael Cole either, as much as I have a new found respect for him. They weren't even with wrestling.
They were with Fabrice Muamba
For those of you who don't know the name, Fabrice Muamba was a soccer player. He had a dream, just like Jerry Lawler, just like so many who enter the sport of wrestling to be the best he could be, and he made arguably the biggest league of them all, the English Premier League, playing first for Birmingham and then Bolton. He was a lot like Jerry Lawler, doing the thing he loved the most and being damn good at it.
Till one day it all changed.
On March 17 this year while playing in a League Cup Semi Final, Muamba collapsed, much like Lawler did on Raw, just like Lawler his heart stopped. But unlike Lawler, Muamba was not (allegedly) revived after 20 minutes, he wasn't revived after 30 minutes, he wasn't even revived after 60 minutes.
Fabrice Muamba's heart was stopped for 78 minutes.
It was only through not giving up and determination that Muamba was brought back and while he will never play soccer again. Muamba's life is for the most part normal, he will be able to be happy and healthy because people never gave up on him.
Yes my thoughts were with Fabrice Muamba and through his story it gave me hope that maybe Jerry Lawler will survive this too; he is in for one hell of a fight but a fight is something "The King" has never back down from. I believe that like Muamba, he'll come back and win as well.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason
Absurdity
I was at the Raw showing the other day.
And if things had gone as planned I would have written about something completely different than what I am about to write today (though it may very well come quite similar to that). I would have written about how the whole show was as awful as the current inhabitant Habitant. I would have written about Bret Hart returning to the Centre Bell for the first time in a wrestling capacity in 15 years just to stand around the ring and look bemused. I would have written about another 'exciting' Divas match. (in the buildup to the one at a PPV no less!) I would have written about the usual back and forth between combatants that just gets old after a little while.
But I won't. Because something else happened that trumped all that.
I hate parroting the news from other places, but I feel it is needed again here for my benefit in my writing. After being randomly involved in an improper tag team match (one of what felt like twenty that transpired that evening), Jerry Lawler suffered a heart attack while commentating on a tag team match featuring the unlikely tandem of Daniel Bryan and Kane. (Which was unrelated to his attack, if such a thing can have some positive angle.)
I saw the thing all unfold in front of my very own eyes too while following the typical boring commentary on a separate feed. He faded out, collapsed in his chair, brought the rather fatigued crowd to him away from the ring (and the alarmed looks of fear from the combatants), got the VERY prompt arrival of the WWE and Bell emergency crew. Then after a few minutes of Michael Cole all alone, he brought out the news in his Owen voice of what had happened to those at home. How it was "not part of the show".
I was certainly not the only one raising an eyebrow at that 'development'. This is WWE after all, Vince would do just about anything to get more people interested in his work.
The silence then arrived.
It left a sour feeling in me that has yet to fully be gone by the time I write this. It was the fear of having the hammer fall, that it was indeed the worst of things, of hearing the news that someone had passed on right in front of us on what was supposed to be a good time for all.
It DEFINITELY brought back memories of Owen Hart; which is ironic. Lawler was there to see his tragic fall, Vince made the decision to have the show go on (which is something I am sure Lawler would have agreed with also), the man of the (three) hour Bret was severely affected by it...and then later he suffered a stroke.
It is still too early to say though. All signs seem to put Lawler in a much more favorable position than previously thought, thank God. He seems to be slowly recovering and fighting for it, as I know he probably would. The long term effects of this have yet to be seen, obviously - that is the more worrying part. Anything from this could pop up later down the line; I guess it's something we have to deal with on its own terms.
But this is not the reason I wanted to write this. Partly because I would be terrible in writing about it, but also because some have already done it better than me. The John Report (by John Canton obviously) summarized the show and his similar hazy watching of what went on better than I would have had, and I was there in person. The Masked Man David Shoemaker already wrote about his reaction to what transpired. With Leather's Brandon Stroud is honest in not liking the character, but in wishing the man a healthy recovery. "The heart is usually a best part of a wrestler," he so eloquently stated.
No, the whole thing and how it reminded me so much of the Owen tragedy reminded me of how absurd wrestling can be, and as such as a microcosm of life as a whole.
Now obviously I'm not going to off on a long spiel of how life reflects wrestling and vice versa. That would take too long and I'm a terrible philosopher. But even without that and the obvious responses of "why yes, wrestling IS crazy and absurd, where have you been living all this time, Mars? Did you come to Earth through that exploring robot whom you befriended?", having the incident combined like a sudden and impulsive ingredient only made things even more so. And this is on a personal level rather than just writing on something that has a more larger impact. Hell, I was stuck with an absurdly bad radio progrem for nearly seven years, so I know my absurd when I see it.
Let me count the ways.
Perhaps the one most absurd thing from all this? My re-evaluation of Michael Cole. Many people have already said this but I feel I should also add to this; the professional/emotional way he handled this was absolutely phenomenal. From trying to take over commentating duties when Lawler was first afflicted, to trying to contain his crying when the worst hit, to breaking character to relate the first news and show his true feelings about his broadcast partner rather than just kayfabe it, his few updates on his condition, his broadcast silence while still remaining at the broadcast booth watching the proceedings and obviously being so racked with emotions (there's the one photo of him with his head in his hands, obviously completely distraught at what transpired), to doing his level-headed best in such an awful situation (remember he was a war correspondent, he should have been in worse than this but it so deeply shook him; yet he still worked through), pulling through and staying and doing his duty in his silent vigil...
And if things had gone as planned I would have written about something completely different than what I am about to write today (though it may very well come quite similar to that). I would have written about how the whole show was as awful as the current inhabitant Habitant. I would have written about Bret Hart returning to the Centre Bell for the first time in a wrestling capacity in 15 years just to stand around the ring and look bemused. I would have written about another 'exciting' Divas match. (in the buildup to the one at a PPV no less!) I would have written about the usual back and forth between combatants that just gets old after a little while.
But I won't. Because something else happened that trumped all that.
I hate parroting the news from other places, but I feel it is needed again here for my benefit in my writing. After being randomly involved in an improper tag team match (one of what felt like twenty that transpired that evening), Jerry Lawler suffered a heart attack while commentating on a tag team match featuring the unlikely tandem of Daniel Bryan and Kane. (Which was unrelated to his attack, if such a thing can have some positive angle.)
I saw the thing all unfold in front of my very own eyes too while following the typical boring commentary on a separate feed. He faded out, collapsed in his chair, brought the rather fatigued crowd to him away from the ring (and the alarmed looks of fear from the combatants), got the VERY prompt arrival of the WWE and Bell emergency crew. Then after a few minutes of Michael Cole all alone, he brought out the news in his Owen voice of what had happened to those at home. How it was "not part of the show".
I was certainly not the only one raising an eyebrow at that 'development'. This is WWE after all, Vince would do just about anything to get more people interested in his work.
The silence then arrived.
It left a sour feeling in me that has yet to fully be gone by the time I write this. It was the fear of having the hammer fall, that it was indeed the worst of things, of hearing the news that someone had passed on right in front of us on what was supposed to be a good time for all.
It DEFINITELY brought back memories of Owen Hart; which is ironic. Lawler was there to see his tragic fall, Vince made the decision to have the show go on (which is something I am sure Lawler would have agreed with also), the man of the (three) hour Bret was severely affected by it...and then later he suffered a stroke.
It is still too early to say though. All signs seem to put Lawler in a much more favorable position than previously thought, thank God. He seems to be slowly recovering and fighting for it, as I know he probably would. The long term effects of this have yet to be seen, obviously - that is the more worrying part. Anything from this could pop up later down the line; I guess it's something we have to deal with on its own terms.
But this is not the reason I wanted to write this. Partly because I would be terrible in writing about it, but also because some have already done it better than me. The John Report (by John Canton obviously) summarized the show and his similar hazy watching of what went on better than I would have had, and I was there in person. The Masked Man David Shoemaker already wrote about his reaction to what transpired. With Leather's Brandon Stroud is honest in not liking the character, but in wishing the man a healthy recovery. "The heart is usually a best part of a wrestler," he so eloquently stated.
No, the whole thing and how it reminded me so much of the Owen tragedy reminded me of how absurd wrestling can be, and as such as a microcosm of life as a whole.
Now obviously I'm not going to off on a long spiel of how life reflects wrestling and vice versa. That would take too long and I'm a terrible philosopher. But even without that and the obvious responses of "why yes, wrestling IS crazy and absurd, where have you been living all this time, Mars? Did you come to Earth through that exploring robot whom you befriended?", having the incident combined like a sudden and impulsive ingredient only made things even more so. And this is on a personal level rather than just writing on something that has a more larger impact. Hell, I was stuck with an absurdly bad radio progrem for nearly seven years, so I know my absurd when I see it.
Let me count the ways.
- The rather silent crowd. (Almost more silent than the silent commentary we had.) This is rather surprising considering how emotional Montreal can get. (*AhemRichardRiotAhem*) I haven't seen that much initial apathy from the crowd in general than from a recent average home loss to Toronto or so, despite their Oles and various chants and the like. (Though they did chant for the fallen King of course, which I can give them for.) They did pick up by the end with that whole debate, but the fire had less been taken out of them than it wasn't really much there to begin with. That's what I like about our crowds - we can get emotional (in a good way) about just about anything. Not so here for some reason, and perhaps a portent of things to come.
- To Kick or not to Kick? Forget the unfunny taped segment we had then (in which during another damn year of Linda running for Senate you can fire someone for making a bad joke but it's perfectly acceptable to make fun of an entire ethnic group); it's rather funny having the always great Rodriguez being 'hurt' by a kick that's at the same strength as just about any other kick you see in the ring these days (he sells it well though, so I can't complain).
- The impromptu tag team match that the King was involved in. First it was just a normal (but good moving) fight, then Dolph Ziggler jumps in, then Lawler jumps in because, why not? It's got to be better than doing commentary with Cole...then it's just a two-on-one handicap style match because Punk is as bored with the show as the audience is, and he doesn't want to look bad before his PPV. (I know, he's 'bored' due to focusing on his title defense story-wise, but whenever he does bored he can't help but keep showing it in some sort of perverse manner, like even he KNOWS he finds this all funny.) So it's once again the old timers dominating the new blood. And I thought TNA had that market cornered.
- Paul Heyman comes to 'confer' with Punk to further the furthered storyline. At this point (from what I saw of the match through my online feed while I was there), the cameraman COMPLETELY forgets about the match in the ring to focus on these two...talking. I know it is to add 'mystique' into a match that desperately needs it, but this is akin to someone making a film (say, about the First World War) where there's this huge battle going on...in the background, while we focus on two guys in the trenches just talking about the weather.
- Speaking about talking about the weather...the mike also has to be close to catch Ms. Guerrero try to excuse herself into the duo's conversations to wonder what on earth is going on. Of course, she is promptly rejected and the two soldier on. Now obviously they have to pretend to be talking about the upcoming PPV and all that; they could be actually talking in jibberish (although I can definitely see Heyman talking in Latin because he can)/ Unfortunately the sound guy stands a bit too close rather than just pulling out and watching from afar, as the two continue to 'discuss' their strategy...which involves Punk asking Heyman if there are any good places to eat in Montreal. I was saddened Paul didn't tell him that he has to eat at Schwartz's, the jewel of the St. Laurent Boulevard. For all we know they may have continued by having Heyman ask him to be on his show or something. But that sort of unintentional break of the fourth wall totally took me out of it.
- The silence on the commentary. I never pay attention to these things much and I certainly didn't here, but the absence certainly struck me, bringing a new strangeness to things. It was almost as if I was watching that one time when NWO took over Nitro and ran things their way, with similar results. I would not be sure if I liked or disliked it, but I don't think I can make an opinion on this instance due to the circumstances that brought such a thing to be. Silence was the only appropriate thing to do here, and it succeeded.
- One thing that the show has nothing to blame for: I do find it absurd that Lawler would be extremely healthy for a guy at his age (about as straight-edge as Punk here, not smoking or drinking or doing anything untoward unhealthy despite being in his 60s, his only vice being his love for Coca-Cola, a love I also have). Of course, heart disease is something that can affect anyone at any time regardless of physical and mental condition, and we all know a friend or family member that's suffered through such a thing, but the fact that it had to strike right now at such a time and place (during a live show in action no less!) does seem...cosmically bizarre. On the other hand, at least he had all those emergency personnel right there to help him immediately; if it weren't for their promptness I don't think he would have been alive right now. For this we must be thankful.
- The absurd notion that someone has been injured for our entertainment. Again, I'm not being worldly philosophical here (that would be hard), but you would think this sort of injury, fight-related or not, would not happen in this day and age. But it does, and we hope the ramifications aren't too deadly or worrying. We still have a while to go to solve that problem.
Perhaps the one most absurd thing from all this? My re-evaluation of Michael Cole. Many people have already said this but I feel I should also add to this; the professional/emotional way he handled this was absolutely phenomenal. From trying to take over commentating duties when Lawler was first afflicted, to trying to contain his crying when the worst hit, to breaking character to relate the first news and show his true feelings about his broadcast partner rather than just kayfabe it, his few updates on his condition, his broadcast silence while still remaining at the broadcast booth watching the proceedings and obviously being so racked with emotions (there's the one photo of him with his head in his hands, obviously completely distraught at what transpired), to doing his level-headed best in such an awful situation (remember he was a war correspondent, he should have been in worse than this but it so deeply shook him; yet he still worked through), pulling through and staying and doing his duty in his silent vigil...
There are few words I can use to describe my absolute respect I have for Sean Coulthard right now. He handled this extremely well despite the circumstances. People may still be divided over his Cole character; hell, the 2011 Gooker was all about the awful stuff he was involved in, including his feud with Lawler, and they may still like or hate him and they may have to change how they perceive him after this. (I myself am still not sure if I could ever be a Cole Miner.) But I've always had a respect for Mr. Coulthard, and that has increased from seeing how he did here, and the showing of his true friendship with Lawler. It would probably be hard for him to remain a heel for the time being (Lord knows WWE may still try), especially if he can continue with Lawler or not, but there's no denying he easily was the best man out there on that fateful night. If somehow he is reading this (and why should he?), sir, I tip my hats off to you.
As for Lawler? Although I also am on the fence about his commentating and if it changes now after this, I also deeply respect the man behind the gimmick and all that he's done over the years, and like many I also hoped that this will not be his last ring-related appearance. It again will probably be hard for me to hate his character now, so when he does recover it would be something to see how WWE would handle this. I would hope he gets better quickly and in tip top shape soon; even though it may not be the best commentary in the world, it would sorely be missing without it.
After I returned from the Bell I prayed. (I'm not much of a religious man, but I can't deny the power prayer has on a person's soul.) I prayed for Lawler to get well soon, of course. I prayed for him to make a full recovery as soon as he can, to be forgiven for whatever wrongs he may have done, and that he becomes a better man out of this. I didn't ask for him to become all religious though (where would the fun be in that?) but that he comes out of this stronger than he was, and still lives a long life without having another major situation like that one, and passes on doing what he does best.
I also prayed for Mr. Coulthard. I asked God to bless and forgive him due to the good work he did and the professionalism he maintained, and to hope he never goes through that sort of torture again. I also prayed for his success in general, not just with WWE but with his life as a whole. Strange, I know, but I felt it was fitting for the man.
I then prayed for myself. I asked for forgiveness and the hope that I will not see myself or anyone I know suffer the same situation or sickness, and I prayed to get through this still as myself, albeit also stronger for it too.
Does the Lawler attack change how I enjoy wrestling? It's too early to say. I would hope not, especially seeing how it turns out in the long haul. It would be a shame if so, because I actually do like the industry. I hope to see it succeed and be better than it is, be more accepted than it is, be more healthier than it is. I don't want to see ring legends get hurt and pass on without a proper send off, and I don't want to get to the point where I feel guilty following because I don't know if someone will wrestle their last match or not due to injury and hurt. Then it would truly be an absurd thing to do with myself.
I hope it doesn't come to such a thing, and I pray that it doesn't. I hope that you will too, reader.
PB
WCR Video: RD and Blade watch a Loverboy music video
From Wrestlecrap Radio episode #152. RD and Blade watch and do commentary on Loverboy music video, "Hot Girls In Love", on WCR.
WCR Interactive (2009): RD and Blade watch a Loverboy music video (by R.V.M Kai)
WCR Interactive (2009): RD and Blade watch a Loverboy music video (by R.V.M Kai)
Angry Jim's Mailbag #4: Boomer Sooner Crooner Hour (September 7, 2012)
(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the Wrestlecrap Radio character.)(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)
(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)
How ya doin' tonight nerds!
I've waited weeks for that damn Honky Tonk Mailman to deliver Sir Alec's erotic Fan-fiction and Kama Sutra books, and they only just arrived today! So earlier tonight I convinced my wife (it's around the four year Anniversary since she last **** me!) to try some of the "moves"! First, I got her in the mood by reading her a story, in my sexy southern voice, about Sunny being ****ed by a Gorilla! Then we were just about to try this position, that I haven't done in years, called "Missionary"...and the only thing that got ****ed tonight was my damn back!! So I left the room to get some aspirin, and by the time I returned, she had fallen asleep! I also found that the Fan-fiction book was opened on a story about Johnny Age having a Talent Relations orgy!! F***!!!
So tonight I'm now stuck answering your dumb questions!
Kyle Crow asks: I'm gonna start a petition to get you unbanned from Blade Braxton's new show! I'm just trying to get you some work, maybe even laid!!!
Rip up that petition! I told you nerds before that I don't want to be on that c***s***er's show anyway! Plus I don't need your help getting work; I have my BBQ and Gardening business, announce NXT, and I also have this mailbag blog if I need to vent! And I bet that lazy a** b*****d's show will never even see the light of day, so who gives a ****!And don't rub it in about me not getting laid you son of a *****!
Greg Diener asks: DAMNIT JIM! I hope you are happy by this news!
Why would I be happy that "Mr Penis" got injured!? Marc Summers is the only guy called "Mark" I actually like...wait no...f*** Marc Summers! That ****head never mentioned my BBQ sauce on his Food Network show! But he loved that K.C. Masterpiece s**t; which tastes like that green slime from that stupid kid's show he used to host! I hope he's crippled!(R.V.M Kai's edit: JIIIIM! We at wrestlecrapradio.com wish Marc Summers a speedy recovery.)
Lawrence P asks: You jelly because I have this...? Where is your JR's BBQ cologne? Maybe if you had it Dark Journey would fuck you!
Watch your ****ing language! For one, why would Dark Journey **** me if I was wearing that p*** water of yours?! Secondly, of course I'm jealous! Those c***s****rs at Pork Barrel stole my idea! Hollywood John and I have been working on a "real man's" cologne for months! It was supposed to be a mixture of liquid smoke extracted vigorously from my Pulled Pork! And they even stole my name and shortened it: I was going to call it "Fa Que Self"!Chuck Estevez asks: Jim, did you see any of the "Anger Management" segments on RAW? You definitely need some Anger management yourself.
I don't watch that gawd awful WWE programming, even though I still work for them! But I did see it on that new invention called "YouTube"! When Kane was mentioning all the crazy **** he'd done, it gave me flashbacks of the time that sick sum b***h lit up my ass like a BBQ?!And what do you ****ing mean I need ****ing Anger ****ing Management you ****ing ****! How's that for a ****ing "Anger Collage"?! **** Yourself!
Mike Check asks: Hello Jim! It’s ole Mike Check. Well my daughter right now decided to treat me to this fancy drinking place called "Starbucks". Now my daughter, who's one hell of a whiz-kid I have to say, told me that you can do this Internet thing here and send something called an email. I have to tell you it's quite odd doing the Internet across from the gas station near Route 66. Anyway, I came across your Mailbag column and it reminded me of the time we used to work together in the Norman, Oklahoma market. We D.J.’ed at a radio station known as K.N.C.R: "The Knocker"! I was going under the name, Jake Boomer, and you were a young rookie announcer called, Bill Sooner. Our show was the "Boomer Sooner Crooner Hour". One of the many...many...many...many...popular artists we used to play, other than Sinatra and Crosby, was Oklahoma born Jack Owens, aka "The Cruising Crooner". The reason he was called that was because of his reputation of "cruising" through the fine young fillies during his act...just like when we used to "cruise" through all those Jezebels and then break their hearts back before you met your wife. Speaking of breaking hearts, as R.J. and Brad used to say, one of Jack’s hits we used to play was "Heartbreaker". Thanks to my daughter, I’m sending it to you courtesy of The Mike Check Show on "The Whacker"!
Click Here For Song
P.S. I almost forgot, my daughter wants me to tell you to keep this email just between us.
After six ****ing hours, I kept falling asleep! I'm not gonna read all that ****!(R.V.M Kai's edit: Raging_Demons, you might want to read this?)
Lawrence P asks: What is more recent, The last time Bill Watts was Midsouth Champ or the last time your wife had sex with you? *&$% Yourself!
That's my line you son of a b***h!! Well seeing that my wife still hasn't even ****ed me tonight; the last time would have been around September 2008! So you do the Math smart***!Now seeing that my wife is still asleep, looks like now I'll have to put that 1987 issue of "Leg Show" (that Honky also finally delivered) featuring Dark Journey to good use! F*** YOURSELVES!
To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.