#8: Angry Jim's Christmas Special: "It's An Angry Life"

credit for pic: kingsuperspecial

(Disclaimer: This was obviously not written by WWE's Jim Ross & is not intended as an insult to him (so please don't sue us). "Angry Jim" is a very loosely based parody based on the Wrestlecrap Radio character.)

(Disclaimer Disclaimer: The views expressed by Angry Jim are his own & do not reflect the opinions of Wrestlecrapradio.com.)

(Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: Despite being a rather...strange man, he's been rather helpful in self-censoring himself. Say what you want about him, but he IS still a WWE employee after all. At least, he is this week. - PB)

How ya doin' tonight nerds!

It's Christmas time and....F***k it! I don't give a **** about Christmas this year because 2012 was **** for me:

• Wrestlecrap Radio ended so I can't vent verbally on the radio anymore!
• Johnny Age & Raging_D***head, along with everybody else (except me), have been ****ing a wife...and maybe even Dark Journey!
• Hollywood John's incompetence has been ****ing up my BBQ business..(Not to mention that my house almost burned down after I tried to BBQ his ****ing featured boa in the backyard on Black Friday and the ****ing feathers blew onto my roof)!
• I have had to commentate for NXT in that cesspool in Florida!
• Vince made fun of my Palsy...again!
• I lost the presidency! 
• My new men's cologne called "Fa 'Que Self" isn't selling that well this Christmas!
• And I've been arrested and deported more times this year than any other!

You know what! F*** yourselves! I'm not gonna write my Mailbag! I'm too angry. What's the point of living?!? Why did those dumb ***hole Mayans get it wrong?! By Gawd, I wish I was never born!


Jiimm!


What the **** was that?!?!


Jim, this is Stewart Patrick. I am a former Shakespearean..Acto...Marketing Director of TNA. The other deceased TNA correspondents and I have been watching you from heaven...well except for at around 11pm each night while you do inappropriate things to yourself while you browse Dark Journey's issue of "Leg Show"... Anyway Jim, we have seen you even more angry than usual, and I have been sent on a mission to help you realize that your life is worth living.


Go **** yourself! What are you taking about?! I'm dreaming this?!


No Jim!!! This is not a dream! I'm here to take you to where no man has gone before and show you just how life would have been like if you were never born. It may give you a better perspective of your life, and I have been promised that I will earn my wings if complete my mission successfully. So, let's make it so....


...ENERGIZE...


Where the **** are we?!


We are in a hypothetical world where you have never existed Jim, and right now we are in a WWE arena.


WWE arena!? This is a high school gym!?


Yes. Because you were never born, Vince McMahon continued on as the lead announcer because he never trusted anyone else to take over the booth after Gorilla Monsoon left...although they did use Zombie Monsoon for a short stint, but that's neither here or there. Anyway, because he remained an announcer, he never had that legendary feud with Steve Austin which brought his company out of near bankruptcy.


What the **** you talking about!? Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Still became the top name in the business right!?


No Jim. Because you were never head of Talent Relations, WWE never saw anything in him, thus never hiring him. He remained in the WCW as a mid-carder. He retired sometime in the late 1990's after he broke both his legs jumping off the top rope when he was wrestling as Shockmaster III. And just like the previous two “Shockmasters”, he fell and landed quite awkwardly.


Who was the dumb**** that gave him the idea to do that?!


Well, a man known as John Laurinaitis who works at WCW as an agent told him to...



You mean ****ing Johnny Age?!



Yes Jim, and speaking of Johnny Age, as you refer to him as, would you like to take a glimpse at his home?



No!


Ah, well you're coming with me anyway Jim.


...ENERGIZE...


So this is Johnny Age's mansion?!



Yes, and I think we are in his bedroom...*gasp*...Avert your eyes Jim!



Wait! Who is he ****ing!? Is that my wife?!?



No Jim. The identity of that woman is...



Dark Journey!!! He's ****ing Dark Journey! F*** yourself Johnny Age! Even in a world I wasn't born in, he's ruined my life!


My apologies Jim...but now I must take you to a World Championship Wrestling show.


...ENERGIZE...


What the f***?! WCW still exists?!


Yes Jim. The WCW won the Monday Night Wars and Nitro is currently the top rated wrestling show on Television, although it seems to only receive a rating of 1.2 every week... Now look at the "TurnerTron", they're announcing one of their Hall of Fame inductees.


F***ing Hollywood John Tatum??!?!! He's getting inducted?!


Yes, he was the face of the WCW throughout the 1990's. Because you were never there to discourage him and make him work in your BBQ sauce business, he became a huge star! Especially after he beat Hulk Hogan cleanly at Starrcade 1997. I don't think you would have seen a soul in the street not wearing a feathered boa during the time what they call "The Hollywood era".


That no talent hoss is a top star in rasslin?!?! What the...


I must now take you to our final destination...



...ENERGIZE...



What are we doing at the "White House"? What's Obama got to do with me?!




Nothing Jim! But that's where that's where Michael Cole works as President of the United States?!


What the ****??!



Cole, after his career as a war correspondent, never worked for WWE becuase he went into politics.


So ****ing what! It's common for ***holes to get elected!



That is not the point Jim, look at the woman next to him, that's the first lady...



My Wife!



No. Cole's wife.



Ha! I bet she's ****ing around behind his back!



No. I believe she has had sexual relations with only one man.



??? I've seen enough! What the **** is wrong with this world??!?!



I have told you Jim. This is the world as it exists without you. Now what do think of all that I have showed you?


What do I think?! I think I want to stomp a mud-hole in your a** and walk it dry. But maybe you're right! My life might ****ing suck. But the world sucks much worse without me... Oh, one more thing, what's Bill Watts like here?!


The same... Now, I must return to heaven to receive my wings. I'm leaving now.


...ENERGIZE...


I'm back. You know what nerds. Maybe unlike after Brother Midnight's failed attempt to make me happy. This experience has taught me to learn to appreciate life. 2013 will be the year of....


Hollywood John: Mr Ross.


What?



Hollywood John: Do you hear those bells? I heard that every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.


The **** you talking about?! Bells?!? Are you making fun of my Palsy??! Get back to work you dumb****!


 Hollywood John: But But it's Christmas?...


F*** yourself!!!!


As I was saying...Merry ****ing Christmas, buy my sauce and Go **** yourselves!!!!

JIIIIM!!

To view previous Mailbags go here. To send Angry Jim a REAL question or complaint (but not spam concerning penis enlargements...which Jim doesn't need apparently) you can Tweet him here.