Marsha, Queen of Diamonds
November 23, 1966
"Marsha,
the Queen of Diamonds, is after the giant diamond that powers the
Batcomputer. With her love darts, she puts both Commissioner Gordon and
Chief O'Hara under her spell (and into her custody). When the Dynamic
Duo show up, they too are injected with her love potion, and Batman must
agree to marry Marsha if he ever wants his friends to be returned."
58 minutes
RD Wants Marsha to Speak French. Would that make Vince Uncle Fester?
Vince: "I need this for your facials." He adjusts the camera downwards. RD likes Vince's enhanced shots so he can see all of his photos.
Narrator: "It's another sparkling day in Gotham City."
That's all he says. (:04)
The police are already at strength near a diamond store, led by Sergeant O'Leary, who's actually appeared on the show before. Vince temporarily forgets the name. O'Leary readies his men, including a Goldberg, to protect a Pretzel Diamond from a "diamond dizzy dame". His Irish compatriot O'Hara then shows up in a beautiful Silver Cloud. He is accompanied by our eponymous Queen of Diamonds (Marsha), who's exchanged her Morticia Addams gothic black for a rather odd white feathered hat.
O'Hara takes a knee to grovel "to bask in the light of your adorable presence", then leads her men to follow her inside. Within the jewelers lean in close with their loupes to closely magnify and determine their visitors are indeed who they are. Marsha: "No guided tours, darling." Unfortunately the Pretzel Diamond is regular shaped.
O'Hara: "Alas, it's a pale thing besides your own beauty."
Marsha: "Lets take the rock and let the rhetoric go, shall we darling?"
The jewelers give them one paper bag to put the diamond in. O'Hara continues to worship Marsha to an unhealthy degree, even more so than if he was just drunk (again).
In the Batcave the Dynamic Duo finish repairing the Batcomputer's Batdiamond battery, the first we hear about this. (:12) Otherwise getting a replacement would take six months "even with our giant hydraulic Batpress". Alfred answers the Batphone, but Batman is too lazy to walk ten feet to answer and instead receives it on the Batextension. RD wonders if there is a Supermanphone. Gordon expresses his concern for O'Hara's eccentric activity of late, as if this isn't just a common occurrence.
As the Batmobile rockets to Gordon's office during the credits, O'Hara calls his direct manager from a birdcage hanging in Marsha's lair. Vince thinks it's part of a conspiracy, as proven by photos of the Beatles in head birdcages, or something.
O'Hara pathetically begs Marsha to see him (and four other captive men) more than just once a week. She retires to a harem-looking room overseen by a "Grand Mogul", who reports that one of the men tried to commit suicide by throwing himself into an automatic dryer. On the bright side I'm sure his clothes are freshly clean. Marsha sets her sights on the 10,000 carat Batdiamond and plans to find the Batcave by firing "love darts" from a rotating Cupid statuette.
The Duo are at the office...but Gordon is not, having already gone for O'Hara. So they wait for further word. (:19) RD wonders why he didn't wait for more competent help. Vince blames traffic.
Somehow Gordon knows where the lair is, since he's laying the charm and professionalism that got him to become a major city police commissioner:
"Where is Chief O'Hara? What have you done with him, you diabolical Mata
Hari? If you've harmed a single hair on O'Hara's head, I'll have you in jail
for the rest of your life."
Marsha: "Oh, don't be tiresome, darling. Here, sit down next to me and relax."
Gordon: "Your hanky-panky won't work with me, young lady, I want O'Hara."
Of course a love dart changes his sexual fixations real quick.
Yet even when Gordon calls the Duo in his own office, Batman immediately recognizes his charmed status.
Robin: "Holy hypnotism!"
They too somehow know where the lair is, which they rush to while Gordon gets a birdcage of his own. RD wonders where she got them from.
Vince: "Maybe they got them at a strip club, like we used to have on TNA."
RD: "You just told people 'go get me stripper birdcages.'"
Vince: "No, that order did not come from me."
Sadly we don't see Gordon be an actual footstool like he begs to become. RD explains human ball Daniel Bryan to Vince. He then argues with O'Hara over Marsha's affections
Down in the basement Marsha's Aunt Hilda mixes something in a giant cauldron and has some fun playing up being a witch since she was an ex-professor at Vassar. Vince thought she looked 45 despite her actress being 83 (and lived for 18 more years after that). Hilda has made her "very best batch" through a pound of "dugong blubber", but she needs something more potent for a bat's "strong resistance to occult powers".
Just then the Duo make their entrance.
Narrator: "Watch out Batman! The powers of darkness reside in this room!"
Of course he wants none of her wily charms. Who does she think she is, Poison Ivy?
Marsha: "That's really rude!"
Robin: "Batman's never rude to a lady. BUT YOU'RE NO LADY!"
Batman: "She may not be a lady Robin, but she is a woman, and as such she deserves some courtesy."
Marsha: "That's very gallant of you."
Batman: "Let's dispense with the mutual flattery Marsha."
Then she shoots a love dart at him, which he at first thinks it's poison rather than a "disposition improver". Then he starts licking his lips and goes cross-eyed.
Marsha: "Don't try to fight it, darling. Relax and worship me."
He prefers to stand.
Marsha: "You mean you're not in love with me?"
Batman: "I'm not even mildly interested."
Marsha: "Carve them into camel food."
Cue a weak swordfight. While Batman does his best attempt at a Jordan Mechner impression Marsha suddenly gets the bright idea to shoot Robin instead. Batman wishes to stop if it will save Robin, but he calls her out on her charms and exploiting Robin's youth. She asks to get the Batdiamond...in person from the Batcave. Batman forbids entrance to 'strangers'.
Marsha: "What if I wasn't a stranger? What if I was...Mrs. Batman?"
Batman relents if it will allow Robin and the Undynamic Duo their freedom.
At Stately Wayne Manor a reporter announces the day's rapid events and marriage as Aunt Harriet watches braless and appalled. (:38) Alfred knows Bruce Batman isn't doing it of his own volition. Harriet: "There's skullduggery afoot!" They plan to help out as the Elderly Duo.
Of course a church has already been found, even if it is a rather small one. A despondent Batman stares at the ground. The Grand Mogul has six rings that he can use for the vows. Marsha looks far better in her wedding dress.
Marsha: "I'll be perfectly happy to spend my honeymoon in the Batcave."
Cue some intense Bat eye-rolling.
Narrator: "Batman to become a henpecked husband?"
Mrs. Deal thought Marsha would probably make for a good spouse. Vince thinks otherwise.
Narrator: "Mr. and Mrs. Batman? The Dynamic Duo to become a Trio? The Queen of Diamonds aims high! Find out tomorrow whether she misses...or Misses! Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel, and hang on to your rice!"
RD remembered how the cliffhanger resolved, yet even with not much to a plot loved the story overall.
Vince remembers a street artist in Boulder who could fit himself in a 2-foot box.
Zsa Zsa Gabor was actually originally intended to be Marsha, but no reason was given for why she didn't go through with it. She would appear as the series' last villain though.
RD once had an overnight while on the tarmac (in Denver).
Koko B Ware once did a squash while in a bad mood for some reason. He told Vince that Frankie was calling for help when he died. The WWF Clubhouse fan club had the reader pay to write for them.
The Bros' children have disagreements about wrestling. RD reminds Vince that he has friends, including Diamond Dan. Remember, you can call him at 317 335 4688. Again, that's 317 335 HOTT.
- Special Guest Villain: Marsha (Carolyn Jones)
- SPEAKING OFs: 1. Batman
- RD Time Outs: 2 (1 Real Quick)
- Vince Time Outs: 1
- Screen Captures: 1. RD
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