Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds
November 24, 1966
"Hoping to obtain the Batcave's bat-diamond, Marsha searches for a new
potion to use on the Caped Crusaders. Batman and Robin do some searching
of their own and arrive at the criminal's hideout. But after Marsha
douses them with her concoctions, the villainess seems to have a unique
bargaining chip - two tiny caped toads - with which to gain Commissioner
Gordon's help in locating the Batcave."
44 minutes
RD is Not Russo's Toady. That's Ed Ferrara's job!
Vince wants someday to compare Jones' Morticia to Yvonne de Carlo's Lily Munster. RD is much more familiar with The Addams Family, and he sometimes watches old episodes. Vince is looking forward to watch Halloween Ends. He saw Halloween II in theaters with one guy in full Michael Myers getup. RD recently saw Psycho at the Skyline Drive-In.
Once again like last time the Narrator only has a few lines: "When last we saw the Caped Crusader, he was at the altar about to be married to the diabolical Marsha, Queen of Diamonds! Only the words "I do" stand between him and the bonds of wedlock!"
Before Batman has to stop stalling, (:09) he's saved by the wedding crashing of Alfred and Aunt Harriet. Although for some reason he's calling himself "Ethelbert Soames, solicitor at law with the firm of Soames, Stillwell and Thistlewaite, Liverpool, England." He hands Batman his business card which just says "There was no other way, sir" and explains that Batman is actually already married to Aunt Harriet justice Catwoman Bertha Mason "Miss Henrietta Tillitson of Morton in the Marsh, Gloucestershire".
Alfred Soames: "I mean that for the last seven years, she has been Mrs. Batman!"
He even has a wedding certificate (made in the Batprinter).
Clergyman: "Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?"
Batman: "It, uh, uh, it slipped my mind."
Battling the forces of evil can do that to the World's Greatest Detective, or so I hear.
Marsha: "Why, you two-timing Bat-Fink! How dare you leave a poor, defenseless girl waiting at the altar?"
Soames: "Not poor, I hope, madam. We are instituting a lawsuit for $1,000,000 for the alienation of the husband's affections."
This is apparently enough to get her and the Mogul out without actually looking into the certificate or actually asking the jilted woman who is just standing right there. It's not as if she is in a field where experts are constantly looking for any sort of imperfection or flaw in valuable items or anything (particularly with a lens or two).
Batman does remember the unveiled Mrs. Cooper, and is grateful for the Elderly Duo's help. He says this loudly while still surrounded by eyewitnesses in the chapel.
Harriet: "Oh, I'm glad. I was afraid you'd be angry with us for stretching the truth the way we did."
Batman: "Not under the circumstances, believe me."
He asks for Alfred to join him in the Batmobile.
Alfred: "Certainly, sir. I've always wanted to ride in that ingenious vehicle."
They leave Harriet all by herself ("Bruce will never believe it when I tell him!"). The people outside throw rice at the happy couple who have to take a "Just Married" Batmobile.
Back at the lair an unhappy Marsha wants to charm the Batcave's location out of Robin "before that Batbigamist partner of his shows up!" (:17) She only has Aunt Hilda for this since her goons are apparently stuck in traffic or something. Then an alarm goes off causing her and Mogul to leave for the basement for some reason, allowing Batman and Alfred to appear, force feed Robin (general all-purpose antidote) pills, and open his unlocked birdcage door.
In the basement Hilda has turned her cauldron into a hot tub for her and her broom. She asks Marsha to consult her recipe book next to the buzzard's tongue.
Hilda: "I've been in dozens of bat caves, deary. They're very dull. Take it from me: when you've seen one bat cave, you've seen them all."
Robin only needed a few minutes to sleep off the charm, as he wakes up in the Batcave seeing the Batdiamond spin above his head.
Batman: "People call it many things, old chum. Passion. Lust. Desire. Avarice. But the simplest and most understandable word is Greed."
He has to explain to Robin that some collectibles don't have to be wearable. Also he was less resistant to the charm "due to the difference of a few years, old chum. An older head can't be put on younger shoulders." He then has no answer when Robin wonders about the far older Undynamic Duo. But there is one: they're just idiots. Gordon and O'Hara I mean, not Batman and Robin.
Using the Batradar "at the emanating frequency of diamonds" they can technobabble an elevation of -80. Gordon then calls from his office, once again thankful for being saved by his true love. Surprisingly they agree on a probable location. The Duo then get to the Batmobile as the Narrator again warns: "there are some mysteries that no man can solve!"
Gordon: "There is no mystery that man can't solve!"
For some reason Alfred is also there, most likely to be lauded for his earlier help, although he also reminds them that Aunt Harriet helped despite not being with them. O'Hara then suddenly remembers they forgot to call back their wives to try and explain whatever the hell they got up to. Alfred advises them to say they were in some confidential work.
Gordon: "Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous: experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things."
Alfred, knowing he won't get anywhere with these two morons, leaves them to determine who will call their wife first.
Back underground Hilda has something new whipped up just as the Dynamic Duo enter. Robin: "Holy trolls and goblins!"(:30) She promises to turn them into mice before throwing a potion to no effect. Marsha angrily calls her a hag before summoning her goons residing within the cauldron to fight the stunt doubles with some more conspiracy theory birdcages.
Hilda has another concoction, so Marsha throws "diamond dozing gas", which seems to have an effect on the Duo. Hilda has a third that would metamorph them into toads.
Fade to Gordon wondering how the Duo can handle women villains. Marsha then enters in an attempt to answer that question with a cage of two toads with small capes.
Battoad: "I'm afraid it's true Commissioner! We're right here! She got us!"
Marsha sits her cat Circe atop of the cage.
Robintoad: "Holy hors d'oeuvre, Chief O'Hara! Keep that cat away from us!"
She again demands the Batcave's location...from Gordon, who couldn't locate a thief right in front of him.
Finally the Duo get tired of having to ventriloquist from plain sight in the office (they were able to track the cage with their Batcomputer) and immediately defeat the also ventriloquist Mogul by dropping a window on him. Gordon charges Marsha with "one to ten years" if she doesn't escape within a month for good behavior.
Batman: "I just hope it's taught you that diamonds aren't necessarily a girl's best friend, Marsha."
Marsha: "Oh Batman darling, you are so divinely square!"
Vince decides not to rate Marsha, comparing her to Catwoman. Sadly Miss Jones' life was cut terribly short at 53 by colon cancer (why is it always cancer?).
As for Hilda she is sent to Garreg Mach Monastery Bruce Wayne's School of Home Economics to teach cooking. Dick complains of a wart on his...thumb. Bruce: "Well yes I believe it, but who else would? Hahahahaha."
- Special Guest Villain: Marsha (Carolyn Jones)
- SPEAKING OFs: 1. Scream Mask
- Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Holy Potential Polygamy Batman!
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