Episode 76: Holy Pam!: January 29, 2023

The Penguin Declines
January 18, 1967
"As the Joker and the Penguin's zodiac theme become even more grandiose, the Dynamic Duo's dissolution becomes its ultimate goal."
66 minutes

RD Gonna Blow Russo's Mind. Let's hope it's not Scanners style. Vince wishes he had the ratings numbers for this three-parter and wonders why they didn't have two villains at a time more often (budget permitting). The series has two other three-parters upcoming.

Vince has not seen Miracle on 34th Street. 

"Lovely" Venus seems to suffer an asthma attack despite Batman's assuages. He easily snaps his chains and pries open the clam to reveal a totally unharmed Boy Wonder. 

Robin: "Holy human pearls, Batman!"
Batman: "Correction, Robin. Pearls come from oysters. You came out of that clam."
Robin: "How'd you break your chain, Batman?"
Batman: "Every man has his own unknown inner strength at a time of crisis, Robin. I'm sure had the situations been reversed, you would've found your strength."

They can't take her to the Batcave with her so Batman suggests using "my friend Bruce Wayne's midtown apartment" since he never uses it. RD remembers the Dynamic Duo living in an apartment instead of a Stately Manor in the 70s comics.  

Batman: "Of course, you'll have to stand trial for your earlier misdeeds."
Venus: "As should any citizen who breaks the law, Batman." 

Meanwhile at the lair Joker inquires how goons Uranus and Mars are doing on "Operation Laundry Bag". They promptly arrive in a prison laundry truck blue van with a snuck out Pengy still in a bag.
Penguin: ""Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir!" (:12)
Joker at first wants to give him his old clothes back. "For or a minute I thought those were prison issue."
Penguin: "Prison issue? This sartorial triumph a prison issue?"
Joker: "Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor."
Penguin: "Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!"
Before the two can brawl they hear that their prisoners have escaped. They thus pledge to take down Batman by linking arms and doing a slight dance. 

Vince had a laugh trying to imagine a giant clam consuming the entire Batmobile.

Back in the Batcave the Duo wonder about the next crime and its connection to Aquarius (the water bearer). Batman thinks it may be in the sewers. Robin reminds him he tried that once before.

Batman: "Maybe this time he's aiming higher. Maybe he has some mad scheme for stealing the entire Gotham City water system."
Hard cut to the lair.
Penguin: "Stealing the entire Gotham City's water system? It's magnificent, Joker."
But Joker also remembers he tried that once before. Instead he will change all the water into strawberry "Joker-Jelly".
Penguin: "It's very ingenious, Joker. A crime almost as good as one of mine."
Joker: "One of yours? Those piddly escapades?"
Before the two can brawl...again...they remember who they should be really fighting. 

Joker needs Pengy's help for the final crime of Capricorn (the goat), which in this case is Batman (if he is in fact the greatest of all time), "by using that suave Penguin charm to captivate a beautiful girl." Said girl is Venus, tracked by a homing beacon in her shoe.
Penguin: "Oh, I'll sweep her off her feet! I'll charm the stars into her eyes! Women of America beware! Don Juan Penguin is on the loose!"

As he prepares for his date with a gallon of cologne and filing his nails while still wearing his gloves, Joker uses another outside shot at a reservoir as he prepares his mixture.
Uranus: "Just think, Mars. You turn on the faucet and out comes strawberry jelly."
Mars: "Yeah, that's a great idea. You know, if you got a sink full of biscuits."
Then hey all laugh. 

Thus Robin is the first to get such a red liquid which he immediately drinks. "Holy jelly molds. It looks like strawberry jelly. But it tastes like strawberry axle grease."
Batman declares going to the reservoir with the Batcopter. "It has the portable Batlab in it." 

The Bros remark on how different and vibrant the production and shooting of the story was for. 

Narrator: "And while the Dynamic Duo are rushing to the reservoir, Gotham City has gone dry as a bone."
Cue montage of the cityfolk getting red jelly, including O'Hara showering while wearing a towel. 

The Duo get to testing on the waterside.
Robin: "We'd better hit it pretty soon, Batman, or there'll be a lot of thirsty Gothamites."
Batman: "Worse than that, Robin, if a fire should break out, the fire department would have no way of putting it out."
Robin: "Holy holocaust! [sic] I forgot all about that."
I would assume this is the original meaning, "destruction or slaughter on a mass scale, especially caused by fire or nuclear war". But you'd think 20 years removed from the War they may have used a different word there.

Before he can remark on his ward's choice of words, Batman answers his Batphone by plugging it into his utility belt's "mobile phone Batplugs". Gordon informs him Joker wants $10 million. Batman asks not to give in although it will take time to analyze things. O'Hara contributes by wandering into his boss' office still in his bath towel. 

Meanwhile in the apartment Venus is getting a random deluge of gifts from Don Juan Penguin. (:28) "Those are no flowers from a bat-eared buffoon. Those are from a mature admirer. Your suitor. Oh, you ravishing rose of womanhood. Waugh! Waugh!"
Despite Venus' requests to go straight, Penguin still wants to "pay tribute to your beauty and your charm and your gaiety and your wit. And to that end I have brought you another little token of my admiration. [Shouting offscreen] Token!"
Said token is given by none other than Rob Reiner in his first televised role, handling "Surplice Number Six", "the most expensive perfume in the whole world" at $1000 per ounce. 

Penguin has he and Venus sit down and orders his goons to close the curtains ("Drapes!") and light some candles ("Candles!"). She wants a glass of water but instead gets strawberry jelly. "I guess that's how rich millionaires live." So Pengy seduces her with that hard liquor of..."Champagne!"
Venus: "I really don't think that I should, Pengy."
Penguin: "Why? You want to die of dehydrophalia?"
Venus: "What's that?"
Penguin: "Well, that's the loss of precious bodily fluids due to a lack of liquid in the tissues. Drink it up, my dear! Save yourself from sin!"

Meanwhile meanwhile Batman solves the water issue by...throwing a "special exploding Batarang" with "de-gelatinizing agent". Because of course. 

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile Penguin asks "my sprig of mint" to help him "turn over a new leaf" by getting his criminal record from the Batcave. "Until that is destroyed, I can never feel like an honest man. ... Only you have faith in me, my alluring azalea. Only you can wipe out my past. You ask Batman to take you there, my lovely lady slipper." 

Already feeling drunk from just one drink of champagne and still feeling so later in the day after Pengy has gone to be replaced by Batman, she asks the Dark Knight to see the Batcave. (:37)
Batman: "Your decision to lead an honest life was difficult and dangerous. Consider this your reward."
But he has to Batgas her first before she can enter. Robin places her in the passenger side of the Batmobile...then sits on top of her body. 

In the Batcave Batman Batgasses Venus again to wake her up.
Venus: "It's fabulous."
Batman: "It's a place to hang our cowls. That's the Batcomputer. And over here is the Batspectrograph Criminal Analyzer. And that is our Batradar."
Joker: "And over here is the Penguin. And over here is the Joker."
And then all the villains jump out of the clown car of the Batmobile's trunk.
Penguin: "Stay where you are, unpleasant adolescent! One pull of this trigger and this deadly umbrella gun will fry you to a fritter!"
RD thinks not many people know about fritters these days, not even in his Midwest. 

Venus is apologetic of her actions.
Batman: "He's fooled much shrewder people than you, Venus."
Vince is reminded of when the Rock was cutting a promo on Ken Shamrock who expressed surprise at not being the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The villains gloat on converting the Batcave into the headquarters of the city's villains which would make for an interesting series if DC/WB Discovery ever comes to its senses.
Of course Batman already knew that they would try to sneak in in this way, so he had them come while depleting the umbrella gun's power with a "negative ion attractor", then scanning them with his recently completed Batspectrograph Criminal Analyzer for their physical stats and "other scientific data that
may prove invaluable in the future".
Joker: "Well, your Batspectro junk heap isn't gonna do you any good where you're going, Batman!"
Vince wonders where the writers got all their technobabble (besides gaining ideas from watching Star Trek). 

Batman: "Shall we, Robin?"
Robin: "Let's, Batman."
On RD's pinball table this starts a "Holy multi-ball!" but here it just starts a fight with their stunt doubles just bouncing around the atomic pile and laying around on the floor (except for one goon upside down with his legs in the air). During it RD thinks someone snuck in a "Pam!" in the fight  bubbles. Joker also tries to carry Robin on his shoulders onto the atomic pile for some reason. 

Defeated, the Villainous Duo had still seen the inside of the Batcave...but not the outside, so they still don't know where it is. Before the two can brawl...again...again...Batman breaks out the Batgas. 

Back up to Stately Wayne Manor, bra-ed Aunt Harriet reads Bruce's horoscope: "Venus is in the ascendancy." (:50)
Harriet: "But someone told me that both the Joker and the Penguin were after Batman and Robin almost got eaten alive by a giant clam. How could one little clam eat a boy his size?"
Mrs. Deal: "Who told her this? I bet that Aunt Harriet and Chief O'Hara were at some bar getting drunk together."
Alfred shows up to announce dinner to Dick's dismay: clam chowder.
Bruce: "Chin up, old chum. It's one way of getting even."

To the Bros this story was clearly the best that they've seen so far, of which I must agree.

As expected RD found Venus attractive, giving her a "solid" 7.5 Batpoles. Vince, despite his opinion, gives her a "mediocre at best" 5 though he feels he's being too kind. 37 year old Terry Moore was acting in movies since 1940 (including Mighty Joe Young), and 18 years later would pose in Playboy. She also had a relationship with Howard Hughes and supposedly had a secret marriage (without a divorce). Besides that she was married (an additional) five times. Also as of this writing she is still living.

Vince, still wondering how Moore got on the show, next wonders if Madge Blake was using a different voice for Aunt Harriet. 

Next day/story will have "That Darn" Catwoman, regardless of if it can live up to this story or not.

Ric Flair won a Gooker award.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [6] (Cesar Romero) [6]
• Extra Special Guest Villain:  The Penguin [7] (Burgess Meredith) [7]
  

 

• Entertain The People: 1
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Batman, Man of Steel (Son of Martha)
  
• Blue Van: 1
• (Soon To Be) Window Celebrity: 1. Rob Reiner
• Screen Shares: 1. RD

Episode 75: Holy Clam!: January 22, 2023

The Joker's Hard Times (Not featuring Dusty Rhodes)
January 12, 1967
"The Joker continues his zodiac theme as the Dynamic Duo pursues him."
57 minutes

RD Doesn't Like Clams. Watching gave Vince nightmares, including Romero's yellow teeth in high def. They agree that the show is far different than when it started and even during the current season. 

Mrs. Deal and Jr gave RD a memorable Batman card.

Robin: "Holy mashed potatoes!"

Batman manages to get one hand loose, and declares his intent to utilize a three second window and throw a Batarang to deflect the falling meteorite.

Thus cut to the Office, where the Undynamic Duo do their job of worrying about Batman. (:10)
Gordon: "We'll call Batman."
Joker (again in the Office): "For that, you'll need a medium. I'm sorry to report that the Tenacious Twosome have been trapped, tied and terminated!"
RD: "Is that how you order hash browns at Waffle House?"

For Joker's next crime of Libra, he shows out the window that he plans to steal a "statue of justice" worth half a million.
O'Hara: "Why, have you no scruples, you jesting jackanapes?"
Joker: "Scruples? The cash value of scruples is zero! No, I prefer Carrara marble. As for Justice, she shall be served with a hook. At the precise moment the Dynamic Duo become the Mashed Marauders!"
He stuns them with his baton wand and flees as his goons just take the statue with a forklift. The Bros question putting an unsecured statue without further protection in front of the police like that.

Regardless, cut to the Duo making good their escape.
Robin: "We would've been tomato paste. Instead, Joker's going to be canned!"

Cut back to Joker dancing for joy before sitting in a police car and wearing a cap. This immediately fools the other police officers who run right past him. He is also on the channel telling random street addresses as the Batmobile dials into the police transmitter. Of course nobody recognizes his voice either. At least it gives a patented Bat-turn and a Blue Van for their Parachute Pickup Service. 

Finally Batman has enough of his fill and tells everyone on the band. Robin guesses the next crime will be for Scorpio.
Joker: "You're right, Boy Prunehead! At this moment, the brightest star in my criminal constellation is about to make off with Scorpio, the scorpion. Be stinging you, Batman!"
Robin guesses he is referring to Venus again.
Batman: "We mustn't judge her too harshly, Robin. Even with the best intentions, it's hard to change a lifetime of habit."
They also guess he will hit the same jewelry shop for the Durand Golden Scorpion.

Venus appears at the shop as secret agent Brindle in an odd red wig. (:22) She declares a fake - of herself, not the item, and sprays the jeweler with liquid cement before she flees.
Jeweler (as the Duo arrive): "Dynamic Duo. Where were you when I needed you?"
For that disrespect they cut a block around his feet instead of freeing him from his shoes. 

The next sign is Sagittarius, the Archer (but not that one). Batman thinks it refers to "Basil Bowman, wealthy friend of millionaire Bruce Wayne. No doubt the Joker intends to steal him."
Joker achieves this by just going up to Bowman's front door and asking the man himself to come in to capture him.
Bowman: "Do you dare, knowing the Dynamic Duo will be dogging your trail?"
Joker: "Those fleas? Bah! Wrap him up, boys!"
Suddenly the Duo appear from hiding just as Vince's father is calling. (He leaves the call for later.) Wrote RD: 'Venus orgasms on the spot.' Vince thinks she was trying to inflate her bust size while in her red dress. 

In response to her emotion, Joker pulls a knife and puts it to her throat. Let's hope he doesn't pull out a pencil next.
Joker: "Oh, Batman won't endanger a girl, now, will you, Batman? Tripped up by your own ethics!"
Batman: "He who trips last, trips hardest."
Joker: "My final prediction for the day: I'm going to get clean away. And you, traitoress, will pay!"
He throws her into Batman's arms, much to her excitement. She admits her shame at her former crime as the Batman love theme plays in the background. (:32) The Bros want to get the music for Valentine's Day.

Venus: "If only I'd met you when I was younger."
Batman: "A crooked path can often be straightened, Venus."
Robin is left trying to wake up the unconscious jeweler so he can only offer an eye roll.

She takes the middle seat in the Batmobile as she leads them to a record store where Leo is being held, leading to a record store fight. RD enjoyed when they used instruments as weapons and the wrong instrument played per hit.
Leo is found by the victorious Duo in a bathroom being subjected to loud rock and roll. "After spending a day in there listening to that music to drill teeth by. I gave him the ransom he demanded. And he didn't even cut that thing off!"
He then starts singing loudly, so Batman has to shout loudly in response. Leo paid his $100,000 ransom...by check. The Duo rush off to Gotham Central to track it.

The Undynamic Duo appear wanting to arrest Venus, but she disarms them with a ridiculously exaggerated 'aw shucks' that makes O'Hara remove his cap. The remaining three signs (Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces) are tropical fish displayed in a park fountain. Vince thought Venus looked like a Whoville resident. 

Also Vince liked Jim Carrey's Grinch.

Two visitors remark on the fish on display with hopefully correct scientific names and are appalled they share the space with goldfish. Vince is taken aback by the Duo's appearance, less by their sudden timing and more by Batman's cowl suddenly looking black and purple. 

Joker appears in his ladder truck and attacks the Duo with (holy) red snappers as he claims the fish. "The fishnapping of the century. Careful you don't get caught by a red herring, Batman!"
The Batmobile gives chase. The other goons kidnap Venus, then start shooting at their pursuers. The Duo have to take a detour away from the gunfire.

The Joker and goons then have the advantage to hide in their warehouse lair, waiting the Duo to finally enter.
Robin: "Something's fishy here, Batman."
Joker: "Beautiful, Boy Beanhead! I couldn't have made a better pun myself!"
They throw a giant net on them. "Oh! It looks like Dynamicus Duos, a rare breed of caped fish." He adds his "little pigeon" Venus with them for this "three-course meal."

And so the three are subject to a huge giant clam that Vince hopes is still kept in storage somewhere. 

Joker: "I couldn't possibly deprive that poor, hungry clam of its dinner. That would be cruelty to animals, yes."
Robin: "Very touching."
Batman: "Oh, Boy Wonder, what a succulent hors d'oeuvre you should make! And as for you, my ex-felonious friend, let this be a lesson to you once and for all, that honesty does not pay. "
Batman: "Don't lose hope, Venus. A clam is only a bivalve mollusk."

And then Robin is devoured by a giant clam. 

Narrator: "Are our eyes deceiving us? Has the giant clam really swallowed Robin? With beautiful Venus next on his monstrous menu? Leaving the Joker free to confuse, confound and control Gotham City? Find out next week! Same time! Same channel!"

RD thinks every show should have had a cliffhanger. He would at least show this story and this episode for newcomers.  

RD wrote about Vince's first ever television appearance.

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [6] (Cesar Romero) [6]
• Extra Special Guest Villain:  The Penguin [7] (Burgess Meredith) [7] (not appearing on this episode)
  

 

• Blue Van: 1
• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Lazy, shocking
• Vince Time Outs: 1
  

Episode 74: Holy Terminology!: January 15, 2023

The Zodiac Crimes
January 11, 1967
"The Joker returns with a new zodiac-themed crime wave."
48 minutes

RD: Customer, Harry's Hair Lair. He's bald, you see. Vince admits he never saw this episode before. This is also the series' first three-parter. 

It's High Noon in the Office where O'Hara is showing a map of all the rare art in the city. "Part of our new scientific crime-fighting program, commissioner."
Gordon: "With this map and improved criminal procedures, we should be well on our way to putting Gotham City's criminals behind bars."
Joker (on the windowsill): Never mind the bars, look to the stars! Not to mention Venus and Mars!"

Joker holds a wand-style baton to stop Gordon from calling "your blue-coated buffoons outside" by having it float around the room. He's just passing the time like he did in prison "after those caped cabbageheads were lucky enough to apprehend me." Also during his time he learned astrology, which he shows by just picking up the map while the two just watch. Joker promises 11 more "zodiac crimes" (who does he think he is, Calendar Man?) before leaving through the window on a rope ladder. It is held up by his lady Venus who Vince does not find attractive in the least.

Gordon: "The nerve of the scoundrel!"

At Stately Wayne Manor Dick is badly playing a tuba tormenting Bruce. (:09) Aunt Harriet is knitting a bra since she is not wearing one.
Alfred (whispering): "The Batphone, sir."
Bruce (deafened): "WHAT?"
Alfred: "It's the Bat - that phone, sir."
Dick actually marches with his tuba following the other two. "Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying to get away from an octopus."

In the Office O'Hara goes on about the wand. Batman dismisses it as a magnetized steel rod controlled by a rheostat "using the polarity of the steel girders in this building". RD is reminded of your average complicated match in TNA needing five pages and Mike Tenay stating "it's really quite simple." 

RD only met the recently passed Don West once but just seeing him that one time greatly impressed him.

Suddenly Batman finds a hidden two-way communication device. Gordon comes to the huge realization that it's the Joker's. You don't say! Joker gets in a rhyme before the device self-destructs.  Batman comes to a more subtle realization that the "rare art map" spells ram, for Aries.

In his lair the Joker is ecstatic for his crimes, but has to stop Venus from jumping out and down. "Your orders, Joker. A larcenous mind in a limber body. We must stay trim."

They suddenly get a delivery costing $2,450, which is apparently how much the Penguin is worth since he is the package. (Ahem.)
Penguin: "You are a man after my own heart, Joker."
Joker: "Black, eh?"
Penguin: "Black as pitch."

In the office the Undynamic Duo at least had the idea to make a copy of the rare art map, which the Dynamic Duo now look at. (:17) Batman assumes the phone ringing is Joker calling for him, and of course he is correct. Joker taunts that Taurus is next, but Batman instead thinks he's actually going after Gemini: "Gotham City's current singing sensations are two young minstrels called the Twins."

Joker's plan is to dress Venus and his goon Mercury as the Twins. He wonders if Penguin is up to the task.
Penguin: "Those masked muttonheads may have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Those booted buttinskies are no match for the Penguin. I'll slice them to slivers. I'll pound them to pieces. I'll dice them to driblets. Oh, let me at them. I'll fix their hash and I'll grind them into masked meatballs!"
The Bros wonder why Penguin was more subdued this time around.

Somewhere in the city, the Duo find the Twins rehearsing, causing Robin to do a very odd dance.
Batman: "Perhaps another time might be more appropriate for that, Robin."
These are the fake Twins though, with Vince hearing Venus' accent of a "very unhot woman". Before the Duo could warn them of anything Penguin makes an appearance. This catches the Duo off guard, allowing the Twins to gas them and escape. They recover just to catch Penguin as he gets on a ladder lift attached to his getaway ride, only for the villain to escape again with his umbrella.
"So long, dynamic dunderheads! Enjoy your ride on the Joker's boom bug!"

Cut to a jewelry store. Joker in a cowboy hat and Venus with a Texan accent observe quarter-million dollar diamonds also named Twins. Joker opens his briefcase to unleash his jumping beans allowing them to steal the jewels and flee. 

Of course the Duo manage to return to the Batcave, Batman having caught a wig from their encounter that he gets Bat-analyzing.
Robin: "You know, Batman, she seemed like a nice girl in that costume."
Batman: "I suspect she is a nice girl, down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?"

They determine that the wig "backed up by the finest silk" comes from Harry's Hair Lair, run by one of Bruce's golfing buddies. They find the address off screen, and sneak inside in the evening to find...Venus.
Batman: "How did a nice girl like you get mixed up in an ugly business like this?"
Venus: "The Joker says I'm very useful."
Batman wants her to snitch on him regardless. "Criminals have no friends."
Venus: "I may be felonious, but I'm no fink."
Batman: "I'm pleased to see that you have standards, Venus, albeit unlawful ones. However, in this case, your loyalty is misguided."
RD is drawn to her husky voice. 

The phone rings, so of course Batman picks it up and covers his voice with a cloth. On the other side Penguin asks for the Joker and of course has no idea who is answering. Penguin reminds that he wants his half for his contributions for what will happen later. "No fast ones."
Putting the phone down Batman somehow gets Venus to turn for the sake of the innocent people in the crossfire. She knows where Joker will act and will take them there, but she doesn't know what he will do.

Said location is the Opera, where Joker appears on stage during the performance. The Duo show up with the Penguin dropping sandbags from above (while trying to hide his face with his hand for some reason), leading to a fight. All the while the original singer (by the name of Leo Crustash) continues his aria without letting such antics get in his way, but he ultimately gets kidnapped by Joker and a somewhat slow moving Venus after he finishes. The Duo manage to snag Penguin for their trouble.

Penguin: "Come back, you fish-headed fink!...Oh, that pasty-faced felon ran out on me."
Batman: "There's never honor among thieves, Penguin. You of all people should know that."
Well, at least I helped him make fools of you two. He got the Lion and the Crab in one fell swoop."
Batman: "Holy terminology, Batman. He's right. Leo Crustash. Leo, the lion, and crustacean, for the crab." (Cancer)
Batman: "Joker did get the Lion and the Crab, but we have Penguin. That should make Warden Crichton quite happy."
Now I'm seeing the '66 version of Killer Croc having goons named Lion and Crab. I have no idea if it would work out or not.

Back at the Office they guess Joker will next attempt to steal "a picture of the Virgin Bereaved, one of Gotham City's most valuable art treasures," for Virgo. The Duo decide to go to its museum.
Robin: "It's been quite an evening so far, but oh boy, will he see stars!"

In the rush they totally miss Venus being an actual Venus in paint and a wig. Actually all the statues are goons, leading into a second fight. (:38) While it seems the Duo may win, Venus does another turn and subdues them with 'wacky glitter' to RD's eyes.

The Duo are thus tied under a meteorite within a hanging solar system display.  Venus asks Joker for a reprieve for the two, but he declines. He even has her restrained for her temerity.
Venus: "FIEND!"
Joker (nonchalant): "Yes."
He will detonate a thermite bomb attached to Saturn that will cut the cable to drop the meteorite on them.

Narrator: "Will the Joker's prophecy come true? Are their horoscopes cancelled? Is this their last star? We'll find out on the next episode: The Joker's Hard Times!"

According to West, this three-parter was originally planned to be put together as a theatrical film for the overseas market. Vince has that book (Back to the Batcave) that he promises to loan to RD someday. 

People have opinions on Vince writing on the site.

Ric Flair's Last Match (until the next one) was a landslide Gooker win.

The Arcade is doing good business for groups and parties for the month.

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [6] (Cesar Romero) [6]
• Extra Special Guest Villain:  The Penguin [7] (Burgess Meredith) [7]

Episode 73: Holy Strudel!: January 8, 2023

The Contaminated Cowl
January 4, 1967
"The Mad Hatter has escaped from prison, and is on a quest to add Batman's cowl to his collection of hats. He attends Gotham City's annual headdress ball disguised as the Three-tailed Pasha Of Panchagorum, and snatches a large ruby off of columnist Hattie Hatfield's headdress. The villain makes a getaway, but not before turning Batman's cowl pink with a radioactive spray. He trails Batman to the Atomic Energy Laboratory, knowing he will have a chance to snatch his cowl when it is removed for decontamination."
The Mad Hatter Runs Afoul
January 5, 1967
"What appear to be the skeletons of Batman and Robin are found at Gotham City's Atomic Energy Laboratory, where the Mad Hatter left them to irradiate. Word of their demise spreads like wildfire. With the world busy mourning its loss, the Mad Hatter has no trouble snatching a valuable ruby from the Golden Buddha of Bergama's forehead. However, when rumor spreads that Batman and Robin are still alive, the Mad Hatter's scheme appears jeopardized."
72 minutes

RD: Last Name Is Not Puffendorfer. Of course not, or his name isn't Real Deal Real Deal Reynolds.

What do you mean it isn't that either?

Vince complained about his wife being late coming back home off-camera due to worrying about her outside. RD is also similar like that. 

RD and family were quite ill last week, so the Bros have to make up for missing last week by double dipping today.  He found the silver lining in being able to exchange gifts and spend time with them regardless. He still has to visit Vince in Colorado. Vince asks about his symptoms for some reason.

Narrator: "Gotham City, like any other large metropolis, abounds in the quaint shop, the unique store. And what could be a more bizarre emporium than Bon Bon's Box Boutique? Open early on this sunny morning, almost as if awaiting some equally bizarre customers." (:07)

The Mad Hatter is one such bizarre customer, requesting 700 hat boxes. He pays by putting Miss Bon to Bon to sleep with his hat. RD wonders why no one recognizes him. Vince thinks it's due to his obscurity compared to other villains. RD reminds him of what he looks like. 

At Stately Wayne Manor Bruce gives one Professor Overbeck a cheque for the Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratories. Alfred whispers for the Batphone, leaving Herr Overbeck to flirt with Aunt Harriet: "You have a certain way with a strudel."

Gordon: "There's little doubt about the culprit's identity, Batman. Warden Crichton tells me the convicts
were enjoying a softball game last week, and the Mad Hatter stole home and kept right on going in Warden Crichton's cap. The warden was acting as umpire."
Vince wants to give credit to Hatter for managing to escape and the Warden watching him do it.

What is new in the trip to the Office is a head-on shot of the stunt doubles driving the Batmobile.

Gordon: "Sometimes I wonder if the warden's rehabilitation program isn't getting out of hand...Who knows what disaster lies ahead when a man of the Mad Hatter's twisted tendencies is loose in Gotham City?And who knows what lies in store for you, Batman? He'd stop at nothing to add that cowl to his horrific hoard of headpieces."
Batman: "The loss of my cowl is secondary, Commissioner. But not the fate of Gotham City."
The Duo decide to...head back to the Batcave. Well that was completely pointless.
Gordon: "Looking back, Chief O'Hara, it's hard to remember how we operated at all before those two masked Samaritans appeared on the scene."
O'Hara: "It's not hard for me to remember, Commissioner. Things were a mess!" 

Narrator: "Masked Samaritans or not, it looks like things may get even messier, judging by what's going on in the Mad Hatter's current hideaway in the defunct Green Derby Restaurant."
Vince was not aware of the original Brown Derby restaurant chain that was in vogue during the 60s. (There is still one in DisneyWorld.) (:19)
Hatter puts away his claimed hats with his girl Polly while talking about them. "A soupçon." However he vows that his final piece will be Batman's cowl. 

Hatter: "It's a plan which is better understood as it unfolds, Polly,  involving as it does the Headdress Ball tonight, at which you will be in charge of the hat-check stand, plus the Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum, plus this plastic gun filled with radioactive spray, plus the Golden Buddha of Bergama
and the priceless ruby in its forehead, and finally plus that elevated water tank at the rear of this property, down the ladder of which Benny and Skimmer are now climbing."
Polly: "What on earth are they doing in the water tank?"
Hatter: "Preparing a watery grave, elevated of course for the Caped Crusader, if I don't think of a trickier means of disposing of Batman first."

In the Batcave the Duo are getting many useless Batcomputer cards on hat synonyms. 
Batman: "You're right, Robin. No doubt even that mechanical marvel feels the stress and strain of crime-fighting and has chosen this particular moment to let down. Perhaps if I activated the Accelerated Concentration Switch."
Overclocking the Batcomputer leads to tonight's Annual Charity Headdress Ball, run by Hattie Hatfield and her large ruby headpiece that may be a target.

Batman: "As we have one of our infrequent free afternoons, I think we should run a check on
our Batarangs and our Batropes."
Robin: "We did that right after our last Batclimb."
Batman: "Forewarned, forearmed, Robin. All the walls of the Gotham Towers West are sheer glass."

Narrator: "But even as the Headdress Ball gets underway, what surprising news is this hotel manager receiving in the foyer of the Top Hat Room?"
Manager on phone: "The Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum?"
Hatter from phone booth: "Yes, he's in Gotham City incog-nit-o."
He persuades the manager to reduce the security, who in turn notifies Hat Check Girl Polly: "I'll give him a three-tailed hat check."

Meanwhile the Duo do their climb of the building.
Robin: "Looked like a fancy affair down on the 62nd floor, Batman."
Batman: "Just goes to show, Robin, that people who stay in glass hotels shouldn't throw parties. Eyes front. After all, we're not social climbers."

Hatter makes his presence as the Pasha as the Duo sneak in through the window.
Robin: "Who's that?"
Batman: "Let's slip in and find a better vantage point. I'm sure we'll be unnoticed."
He then walks into trays in a very 'un-Batman' way, or so wrote RD. Cue food fight where 'Hatter tosses Batman salad'. Robin responds with a 20 foot uppercut.
Hatter claims the ruby anyway and throws a smoke hat to cover, then fires his plastic gun's radioactive spray at Batman's cowl, turning it bright pink. "A form of virulent radiation, Robin."

Even worse, when Batman returns to the Batcave, Alfred informs him that his other cowls are in the "Home Dry Bat-cleaning Plant" for another couple hours. And replacement material is late to arrive. Batman takes an anti-radioactive Batpill. "Of greater importance is getting a usable cowl and to use it in
apprehending Mad Hatter!" 

So they Professor Overbeck at the Laboratory for his assistance as a favor for "Mr. Wayne's friend". Overbeck reminds RD of Allen Dale.
Suddenly Batman tells Robin that they were followed rather than while they were in the Batmobile (when they were their stunt doubles).
Thus Hatter knocks out Overbeck's assistant Otto and takes his place in a large hazmat suit. 

Overbeck: "So little is known about this radioactivity of radioactive agents. So little is known that we only know one thing, that eventually they are deadly."
Robin: "Gosh, Batman. I hope that pill is still working."
Batman: "The effects are beginning to wear off faintly."
Hatter appears to direct Batman to take off his cowl behind a curtain.
Robin: "Need any help, Batman?"
Batman: "No, Robin. Just remember, eyes and ears."
Robin: "So your name's Otto."
Overbeck: "Oh, excuse me, Wonder Boy. I should have introduced you. Yes, this is Otto. Otto Puffendorfer. You see, he's my reliable assistant ever since I had a little laboratory way back in the old country."

Batman hands over his cowl to Hatter, who is excited he runs off and removes all doubt, incapacitating "Boy Birdbrain" with a light kick to the shin.
Of course Batman has another cowl with him. And of course upon catching up to Hatter and his goons they easily capture them, placing them in a fluoroscopic cabinet to be x-rayed "forever".
Hatter: "Happy tintypes, Dynamic Duo."

Narrator: "Is this to be believed? In our scientific age? First Batman's cowl radio-activated! And now the Caped Crusaders fluoroscoped forever? Keep framed to their framework! Tomorrow! Same Battime, Same Batchannel!"

 

...

 

Narrator: "When we said our last fearful farewells to Batman and Robin, the malevolent Mad Hatter had trapped them in a fluroscopic cabinet of an atomic energy laboratory. Where, exposed to high voltage X-rays, it would only be a matter of moments before they be radiated forever. For you, another few hours have gone by. For the Dynamic Duo, an eternity. As we shall shortly see. Horror of horrors, can it have happened at long, long last? The disastrous demise of the Dynamic Duo? Yesterday, flesh and blood...now cowled skeletons!"  

Thankfully even in death they have their nether regions covered. But where are the rest of their clothes? (:42) Vince prefers this state to that one time they were frogs though. 

Polly: "Why did you bring me here if you knew about this all the time?"
Hatter: "Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance."

Cut to the Office.
Gordon: "No. I won't believe it. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. My world has just been ripped to shreds...seam by seam..."
O'Hara: "Come now, Commissioner, nothing could be as bad as all that."
Gordon: "This is, Chief. A cleaning woman at the Gotham Atomic Energy Laboratory..."
O'Hara: "Now, now, easy does it."
Gordon: "...just called the editor of the Gotham Post Tribune."
O'Hara: "Maybe if you loosened your tie."
Gordon: "And told them -"
O'Hara: "Have you still got that bottle here in your drawer?"
Gordon: "That she had seen the...the skeletons...of Batman and Robin."
O'Hara: "The what?"
Gordon: "The skeletons of the Caped Crusaders, shrouded in their cowls."
O'Hara: "Hold on to me, Commissioner!"
Gordon: "In a fluoroscopic cabinet where they met their maker..."
O'Hara: "Don't say it!"
Gordon: "...under high-voltage x-ray."
And then they start bawling.

This is so "monumental" Batman's theme is made into a death march. Even the President is expected to go to Gotham City. Even the Queen is expected to go to Gotham City. Even Brezhnev is expected to go to Gotham City.

Of course the Dynamic Duo are fine due to Batman's Bat X-ray deflector thingamajig in his utility belt. And the extra cowl. And the extra outfits in the Batmobile. And two spare skeletons in a closet. "It never hurts to be prepared, professor."

However Hatter had known that Batman had planted a tracker in his cowl, so he threw it into a water tower. 
Polly: "Jervis, you sound like the Joker or the Puzzler, or even the Riddler."
Hatter: "Those phonies?"
His two goons report that everything has come to a complete stop due to the discovery of the skeletons.
Hatter: "Now, don't go soft on me, Polly. Who made Batman and Robin famous crime-fighters? Criminals, that's who. If you want to show a little respect to the departed, stay crooked. That's the least you could do."
Polly: "I guess you're right, Jervis. It is sort of like putting flowers on their graves."
Then they all laugh.

At Stately Wayne Manor Harriet can't add one phone caller to the 4000 other women on the funeral committee. "But I might work you in on the Statue of Batman Committee." (:50) There is also a large crowd outside the gates since they knew Batman was a good friend of the owner.
Harriet to Alfred: "See that they're served coffee and sandwiches."

The Disguised Duo go to the study to call the Office, but the Undynamic Duo are preoccupied by the window view.
O'Hara: "Fifty-thousand people...just standing."
Gordon: "The greatest of all the ills of man is grief, Chief O'Hara."
The Batphone rings.
O'Hara: "Mother McGillicutty! He's calling from the grave!"
Batman is still on Hatter's trail.
Gordon: "Mad Hatter? At a time like this who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?"
Batman: "Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon, is a violation of a public right and common law, and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended for the sake of all human morality."

Hatter manages to steal his other ruby from the Golden Buddha when Polly finds out and informs him about the Duo's return.
Hatter: "Wouldn't you know. I reach the peak of my career and now a petty annoyance like this."

The Duo track their tracker to the water tower behind the Green Derby (Robin: "Holy mermaid!") when Gordon calls back on the gem's theft.
Gordon: "But you don't know how relieved I am to tell you this, Batman."
Batman: "Relieved? At the loss of a million-dollar ruby?"
Gordon: "No, no, no. Relieved to know that you're back on the job."
Batman: "Well, old chum, out of the sarcophagus and back into the saddle."

Polly is hat checking at the Green Derby also (despite it now looking like an empty warehouse) and asks to take their cowls. 
Polly: "You're Batman?"
Robin: "Holy hoodwink!"

Batman has her lead them to the water tower where the other villains are on the basis that he has a radioactive cowl. "Is he expecting you to play coy, then innocent, then frightened, then lead us to him?"
So the Duo Batclimb the rest of the way. Hatter tries to turn on his hat mesmerizer - only for the wind to blow it away. Cue (sadly non water) fight. Robin's stunt double hanging off the side reminds RD of a steel cage match. Hatter is cornered on the top of the tank. 

The police arrive late after "celebrating" the Duo's resurrection.
Batman: "A waste of the citizens' time, energy and money, Chief O'Hara."
Gordon is at the bottom arresting Polly while Batman gives the royal wave to the gathered spectators.

Back at Stately Wayne Manor Harriet wears a bedroom curtain as she asks Alfred how he knew the Duo were still alive. The men make a big deal about wondering if they should tell her: the cleaning lady at the Laboratory who told him is Egbert's wife.

Harriet: "So that's all it was. An idle rumor that shook the world. Well, perhaps it's just as well. At least Batman and Robin, wherever they are -"
Duo: "Whoever they are beneath those masks."
Harriet: "- must know with what esteem they are held in the hearts of all the people on this earth."

Vince was sad the story didn't give justice to Polly, who despite not having Pauline's full figure still gets 9 Batpoles. RD found her very cute for an 8. 28 year old Jean Hale had the majority of her career in the 60s, and was married to Dabney Coleman for over 20 years.

Rupert's Arcade will be six years old on April 1st.  

For once I have no idea what would make for the previous year's Gooker. Ric Flair maybe? I'm sure there will be a 1000 words written on it though one of these days. Vince finds current Raw bad anyway, and this is before McMahon's return from being a cowl wearing skeleton.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Mad Hatter [2] (David Wayne) [2]

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Spare skeletons
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Dolly Parton