The Zodiac Crimes
January 11, 1967
"The Joker returns with a new zodiac-themed crime wave."
48 minutes
RD: Customer, Harry's Hair Lair. He's bald, you see. Vince admits he never saw this episode before. This is also the series' first three-parter.
It's High Noon in the Office where O'Hara is showing a map of all the rare art in the city. "Part of our new scientific crime-fighting program, commissioner."
Gordon: "With this map and improved criminal procedures, we should be well on our way to putting Gotham City's criminals behind bars."
Joker (on the windowsill): Never mind the bars, look to the stars! Not to mention Venus and Mars!"
Joker holds a wand-style baton to stop Gordon from calling "your blue-coated buffoons outside" by having it float around the room. He's just passing the time like he did in prison "after those caped cabbageheads were lucky enough to apprehend me." Also during his time he learned astrology, which he shows by just picking up the map while the two just watch. Joker promises 11 more "zodiac crimes" (who does he think he is, Calendar Man?) before leaving through the window on a rope ladder. It is held up by his lady Venus who Vince does not find attractive in the least.
Gordon: "The nerve of the scoundrel!"
At Stately Wayne Manor Dick is badly playing a tuba tormenting Bruce. (:09) Aunt Harriet is knitting a bra since she is not wearing one.
Alfred (whispering): "The Batphone, sir."
Bruce (deafened): "WHAT?"
Alfred: "It's the Bat - that phone, sir."
Dick actually marches with his tuba following the other two. "Gosh, Bruce, it's like trying to get away from an octopus."
In the Office O'Hara goes on about the wand. Batman dismisses it as a magnetized steel rod controlled by a rheostat "using the polarity of the steel girders in this building". RD is reminded of your average complicated match in TNA needing five pages and Mike Tenay stating "it's really quite simple."
RD only met the recently passed Don West once but just seeing him that one time greatly impressed him.
Suddenly Batman finds a hidden two-way communication device. Gordon comes to the huge realization that it's the Joker's. You don't say! Joker gets in a rhyme before the device self-destructs. Batman comes to a more subtle realization that the "rare art map" spells ram, for Aries.
In his lair the Joker is ecstatic for his crimes, but has to stop Venus from jumping out and down. "Your orders, Joker. A larcenous mind in a limber body. We must stay trim."
They suddenly get a delivery costing $2,450, which is apparently how much the Penguin is worth since he is the package. (Ahem.)
Penguin: "You are a man after my own heart, Joker."
Joker: "Black, eh?"
Penguin: "Black as pitch."
In the office the Undynamic Duo at least had the idea to make a copy of the rare art map, which the Dynamic Duo now look at. (:17) Batman assumes the phone ringing is Joker calling for him, and of course he is correct. Joker taunts that Taurus is next, but Batman instead thinks he's actually going after Gemini: "Gotham City's current singing sensations are two young minstrels called the Twins."
Joker's plan is to dress Venus and his goon Mercury as the Twins. He wonders if Penguin is up to the task.
Penguin: "Those masked muttonheads may have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Those booted buttinskies are no match for the Penguin. I'll slice them to slivers. I'll pound them to pieces. I'll dice them to driblets. Oh, let me at them. I'll fix their hash and I'll grind them into masked meatballs!"
The Bros wonder why Penguin was more subdued this time around.
Somewhere in the city, the Duo find the Twins rehearsing, causing Robin to do a very odd dance.
Batman: "Perhaps another time might be more appropriate for that, Robin."
These are the fake Twins though, with Vince hearing Venus' accent of a "very unhot woman". Before the Duo could warn them of anything Penguin makes an appearance. This catches the Duo off guard, allowing the Twins to gas them and escape. They recover just to catch Penguin as he gets on a ladder lift attached to his getaway ride, only for the villain to escape again with his umbrella.
"So long, dynamic dunderheads! Enjoy your ride on the Joker's boom bug!"
Cut to a jewelry store. Joker in a cowboy hat and Venus with a Texan accent observe quarter-million dollar diamonds also named Twins. Joker opens his briefcase to unleash his jumping beans allowing them to steal the jewels and flee.
Of course the Duo manage to return to the Batcave, Batman having caught a wig from their encounter that he gets Bat-analyzing.
Robin: "You know, Batman, she seemed like a nice girl in that costume."
Batman: "I suspect she is a nice girl, down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?"
They determine that the wig "backed up by the finest silk" comes from Harry's Hair Lair, run by one of Bruce's golfing buddies. They find the address off screen, and sneak inside in the evening to find...Venus.
Batman: "How did a nice girl like you get mixed up in an ugly business like this?"
Venus: "The Joker says I'm very useful."
Batman wants her to snitch on him regardless. "Criminals have no friends."
Venus: "I may be felonious, but I'm no fink."
Batman: "I'm pleased to see that you have standards, Venus, albeit unlawful ones. However, in this case, your loyalty is misguided."
RD is drawn to her husky voice.
The phone rings, so of course Batman picks it up and covers his voice with a cloth. On the other side Penguin asks for the Joker and of course has no idea who is answering. Penguin reminds that he wants his half for his contributions for what will happen later. "No fast ones."
Putting the phone down Batman somehow gets Venus to turn for the sake of the innocent people in the crossfire. She knows where Joker will act and will take them there, but she doesn't know what he will do.
Said location is the Opera, where Joker appears on stage during the performance. The Duo show up with the Penguin dropping sandbags from above (while trying to hide his face with his hand for some reason), leading to a fight. All the while the original singer (by the name of Leo Crustash) continues his aria without letting such antics get in his way, but he ultimately gets kidnapped by Joker and a somewhat slow moving Venus after he finishes. The Duo manage to snag Penguin for their trouble.
Penguin: "Come back, you fish-headed fink!...Oh, that pasty-faced felon ran out on me."
Batman: "There's never honor among thieves, Penguin. You of all people should know that."
Well, at least I helped him make fools of you two. He got the Lion and the Crab in one fell swoop."
Batman: "Holy terminology, Batman. He's right. Leo Crustash. Leo, the lion, and crustacean, for the crab." (Cancer)
Batman: "Joker did get the Lion and the Crab, but we have Penguin. That should make Warden Crichton quite happy."
Now I'm seeing the '66 version of Killer Croc having goons named Lion and Crab. I have no idea if it would work out or not.
Back at the Office they guess Joker will next attempt to steal "a picture of the Virgin Bereaved, one of Gotham City's most valuable art treasures," for Virgo. The Duo decide to go to its museum.
Robin: "It's been quite an evening so far, but oh boy, will he see stars!"
In the rush they totally miss Venus being an actual Venus in paint and a wig. Actually all the statues are goons, leading into a second fight. (:38) While it seems the Duo may win, Venus does another turn and subdues them with 'wacky glitter' to RD's eyes.
The Duo are thus tied under a meteorite within a hanging solar system display. Venus asks Joker for a reprieve for the two, but he declines. He even has her restrained for her temerity.
Venus: "FIEND!"
Joker (nonchalant): "Yes."
He will detonate a thermite bomb attached to Saturn that will cut the cable to drop the meteorite on them.
Narrator: "Will the Joker's prophecy come true? Are their horoscopes cancelled? Is this their last star? We'll find out on the next episode: The Joker's Hard Times!"
According to West, this three-parter was originally planned to be put together as a theatrical film for the overseas market. Vince has that book (Back to the Batcave) that he promises to loan to RD someday.
People have opinions on Vince writing on the site.
Ric Flair's Last Match (until the next one) was a landslide Gooker win.
The Arcade is doing good business for groups and parties for the month.
- Special Guest Villain: The Joker [6] (Cesar Romero) [6]
- Extra Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [7] (Burgess Meredith) [7]
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