Batman's Satisfaction
March 2, 1967
"Colonel Gumm's planned heist at a major stamp exhibition results in a showdown between Batman and The Green Hornet."
54 minutes
RD & Russo: Also Quite Flexible. Vince calls him well endowed. He has to check.
Both thought Robin had this finest outing today, in the same space as fucking Bruce Lee. Vince was still not sure why the Duos were initially at odds with each other. RD informs him that the Green Horney's identity is that of a villain to allow him to blend in with other (actual) villains and subvert them from within.
Narrator: "As we last took leave of Batman and Robin, The Green Hornet had been made into a rare stamp and then thumbtacked to a wall by the corrupt Colonel Gumm, with Kato still being blocked and perforated in Gumm's shameful stamping machine, and the Dynamic Duo to follow. Once they're unglued from Gumm's glue pad, for you, who've breathlessly waited and wondered, some man-hours have passed. For the Caped Crusaders, mere moments...as we shall see in a moment."
Cue opening titles.
Narrator: "Kato, too, made into a man-size stamp, and thumbtacked to the wall? What monster of a
man is Colonel Gumm? And what monstrous mutilation faces our mantled man-hunters? Well, Dynamic Duo...your turn."
The resultant stamp is six inches taller than Hornet's, which I can only attribute due to it being, again, Bruce Lee. Gumm has the Duo's glue bindings removed with an adhesive remover in a spray can, Then he just...leaves them "to be stamped with my disapproval".
It takes the Duo two (2) punches and one (1) "ZAP" to overpower the goons.
RD: "This is the worst fight in the history of the show."
Vince: "This was a squash."
RD: "This is the worst villain ever."
He even declares him worse than the Minstrel, though he has to re watch that story which he will never do. Vince declares it for him then.
The freed Duo flip a switch and remove a panel to allow the Visiting Duo to escape with the use of the Hornet Sting.
Robin: "Holy living end!"
Hornet: "It looked like the end there for a minute. But there was a small niche between the gum- applier and the perforating needles."
Kato: "And we are both quite flexible."
But then how was a picture taken for a human sized stamp?
Hornet: "No doubt an automatic image-orthicon of some kind."
Batman: "Wrong, Green Hornet. It was a high-velocity spectrobiscopic range reflector mini-unit."
Meanwhile unaware of all this, Gumm goes to secure Pinky, and her dyed dog (Apricot) eating his alphabet soup ("she's only down to the Ds."). (:14)
Batman: "When this masked meddler was tossed in he had this gruesome gizmo with
him. But you will notice, Robin, it is conspicuously missing from that
giant stamp. Ergo, the high-velocity spectrobiscopic range reflector mini-unit failed to produce a true facsimile."
Robin: "Gosh, that's some "ergo," Batman."
Hornet stands there trying to comprehend all this technobabble: "Yes, Batman, that's very clever, but it seems as if in saving us, you've allowed our assailants to escape."
Kato: "None too smart for a smart crime-fighter."
Then the Visiting Duo walk away since Batman has no evidence to arrest them. Instead Batman smells pink. The actual color pink.
Robin: "You're just tired."
RD is reminded of when Mrs. Deal could smell magenta on him after his days working in a printing press.
Batman sniffs around like a bloodhound to determine Pinky was here. They then see the left behind soup.
Robin: "I guess I'm tired, but it looks like a bowl of alphabet soup."
Batman: "Robin, have you noticed the J's, Q's and Z's are missing?"
Robin: "Holy uncanny photographic mental processes."
Batman takes the remains behind in his "empty alphabet soup Batcontainer, the right tool for the right job."
Back at the Batcave Robin expresses surprise that the alphabet soup has no punctuation marks. Gordon calls to express his usual worry and anxiety. Alfred pops his head him to inform that Britt is already here waiting for him since Aunt Harriet is busy drying her hair.
Robin: "(Sighs) There's more letters in this alphabet soup than there are in the alphabet."
Upstairs in Stately Wayne Manor Britt expresses his concern to Bruce of Pinky's recent disappearance. Britt: "What kind of a guy is [Batman], Bruce?"
Bruce: "An enigma. I really don't know him very well, Britt. But if he tangled with Green Hornet last night, Green Hornet would have gotten the worst of it."
Britt: "Well, that would be a switch. Green Hornet usually comes out the winner."
Bruce: "That's because you have no Batman in your city."
Since they have no official work pending, Britt offers a night on the town.
Bruce: "We had a few laughs, didn't we? Before we settled down and became such solid citizens."
Britt: "Yeah, it's guys like The Green Hornet and Batman that see all the action, get all the kicks."
Bruce: "Would you trade places with them?"
Britt: "Well, not with Batman. I wouldn't be caught dead in that crazy cowl of his."
Bruce scowls his face in response.
That scene out of the way, Robin still has trouble trying to untangle the dried out letters. Batman puts the letters in his Batcontainer and Batfunnels them into the Batcomputer.
Robin: "You mean you're gonna feed those letters to the Batcomputer?"
Batman: "They're made out of noodles. Easy to digest."
This is also why they didn't use alphabet cereal.
This does the trick somehow, telling them to watch the later stamp exhibition.
Batman: "I'll wager she fed all the J's, Q's and Z's to Apricot trusting we'd be able to unravel the clue."
Robin: "Who's Apricot?"
Batman: "Her pink Maltese."
Robin: "Some of Bruce Wayne's female friends sound a little dizzy to me. But Miss Pinkston wasn't the only clever one. The Batcomputer even punctuated this!"
Batman then feeds pages from the Yellow Pages directly into the Batcomputer to find a result, as well as give it more fiber since it has a deficiency.
Unfortunately according to Alfred, Harriet's hair dryer is so powerful that it cut off power to the entire Manor, including the Batcave, including the rather fully stuffed Batcomputer.
Batman: "And so because of a woman's vanity, a battle may be lost."
Robin: "Lost? I'm surprised at you, Batman. Many battles have been won before electricity and telephones were ever invented."
Batman: "Gosh, Robin. You may be right."
Robin: "Just arrange to have the stamp exhibition in the Constellation Room tonight well-publicized. Then there's bound to be some action. And a Batclimb up Gotham Towers West will help us flex our muscles. Chin up, old chum."
RD was sure the writers reversed the Duo's lines for this, as seen by West trying hard not to laugh out loud on camera.
Narrator: "Meanwhile, the scene of battle shifts to an isolated warehouse, but warfare wages on in a strange and oblique manner." (:32)
This is where Pinky is being held while Gumm complains about his soup ("this needs more consonants in it). He does however have time to figure out Hornet's secret identity - Bruce Wayne. And Britt Reid is thus Batman. This is the closest any villain has got (besides Egghead, who was spot on).
Satisfied at his efforts he leaves, allowing Pinky to tell Apricot to bite through her ropes. As if he didn't have enough on his plate and fur already.
Thus able to escape she then calls Gordon to tell him the identities. Also, they're dead.
Gordon: "No, they're not. I talked to Batman earlier today. He said it was a long story, and it must be. And then he asked me to publicize the International Stamp Exhibition this evening. He sounded very much alive."
They logic that even with the names, neither superhero would admit to things now. So the Undynamic Duo are, once again, with no idea on what to do next. Pinky suggests going to the exhibition anyway to see who shows up.
At Britt's penthouse he and Kato discuss what to do without harming the Dynamic Duo.
Kato: "Kung fu is kung fu. It's not child's play."
Britt: "I know, but our tricks are gonna have to be tempered with good judgment."
The (Dynamic) Duo Batclimb to clear their heads and think and to meet pioneering "gangster" actor Edward G. Robinson. (Of course RD knew him from The Ten Commandments for some reason.) So they talk about...art. This was a topic Robinson was also an aficionado at, which gives him an excuse to critique pop art, Andy Warhol in particular.
Robinson: "I think canned tomato soup is to eat, not to frame and hang on a wall."
Batman: "Dalí? Picasso?"
Robinson: "Bit of an art buff yourself, aren't you, Batman?"
Batman: "I'm afraid that crime-fighting allows me only the luxury of collecting criminals."
Robin: "But you should see the great mug shots we've got!"
Robinson: "Don't reprimand him. Who knows who posed for the Mona Lisa? Maybe one of the wickedest women in the world. Oh, but what a smile!"
At the exhibition Gumm is disguised this time as Argentinian Señor Barboza. The Visiting Duo enter from one side curtains. The Dynamic Duo enter from another side curtains. Now it's a proper fight.
While beating up the goons the Duos also fight each other. Batman knocks down Hornet, but Kato strongly kicks away Robin.
Kato (to Hornet): "Good thing those guys are on our side. Even though they don't know it."
Robin (to Batman): "Good thing those guys aren't in town every week."
They finish off the goons, leading to:
Narrator: "What do we have here? A Mexican standoff? A dead heat? A photo finish?"
Pinky and the police finally show up, and Gumm uses the distraction to try and capture her again. The Visiting Duo step off to the side and off the set, as Batman goes around to another window behind Gumm, capturing him in turn.
RD: "I didn't think it was possible. This guy is a worse criminal than the Minstrel."
Batman: "I wonder what [Hornet] wanted in the first place. Piece of a counterfeit stamp ring. Or maybe he meant to uncover the entire ring. Who knows?"
"Gordon: "The Green Hornet, a crimefighter?"
Robin: "Holy unlikelihood."
Britt has one last dinner with Pinky while Bruce is off to the side on a phone calling Gordon (as Batman). He confuses Gordon by telling him to call Pinky and then put two telephone receivers together. He finally figures it out, looking as pleased as a three year old.
Batman thanks Pinky for her help, and also that he's not Bruce. And neither is Britt of course. He then rejoins the two at their table.
Bruce: "Now, Apricot, as you were saying?"
Pinky: "Bruce, you nut. Talking to a dog?"
Cue the three sitcom laughing, the end.
For Diane McBain's second appearance on the show as Pinky, RD gives her a "very generous" 6.5 Batpoles for her bland appearance (even with a wig). Vince gives her 6 as he's not a fan of short hair. This is of course lower than her previous appearance at 8 and 7.5 respectively. (6 and 5 if discounting the looks for the personality.)
McBain once pretended she was missing and presumed dead for a different perspective a year before leading lady an Elvis movie (Spinout). Sadly she passed away the previous December 21st at 81 years young.
It was pretty well known that Ward and Lee were friends, and would even fight and do stunts together. There has also been the long running rumor that Lee did not want to put over Ward during their fight.
Vince has not seen any of the Fast & Furious movies. RD implores him to watch the newer ones.
- Visiting Hero: The Green Hornet [2] (Van Williams) [2]
- Assistant Visiting Hero: Kato [2] (Bruce Lee) [2]
- Special Guest Villain: Colonel Gumm (Roger C. Carmel)
- Entertain The People: 1
- Window Celebrity: 1. Edward G. Robinson
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