Episode 96: Holy Little Buttercup!: June 26, 2023

Caught in the Spider's Den
March 16, 1967
"The Black Widow adjusts her cerebrum short-circuiting device to successfully alter Batman's brain. With Batman powerless to resist, and Robin captured, she disguises herself as the Boy Wonder and brings along a dummy Batman to rob another bank. Commissioner Gordon initially believes Batman is setting a trap for the villainess. But when word comes of the successful robbery, the commissioner puts out an all-points bulletin to bring in the Caped Crusaders dead or alive."
69 minutes

RD: Agrees Milk is Delicious. Is there ever any doubt? Vince compliments his friend's intellect compared to his own in wearing a Rebel Alliance cap and "totally comprehending everything that's going on". Vince cannot even follow a Harry Potter movie.

The two agree this episode was somewhat better than the previous one.

Vince thinks RD sometimes uses words like "tangentially" to confuse and educate him. 

Narrator: "When last we saw the Caped Crusaders, they were trapped in Black Widow's giant cobweb about to be bitten by two deadly Black Widow spiders. Are the heroes headed for that great Batcave in the sky? In scant seconds, the answer will be yours."

Unfortunately the spiders look even worse. RD considers it a harbinger for next season.

Robin: "Batman, he's almost on me!"
Batman: "He is a she, Robin. Only the female of the species is venomous. ... And mine is almost upon me also!"

Of course Batman manages to break free, pulling from his utility belt a 5000V "mini-charge" for his ward. He tells Robin to brace himself, despite electrical pain usually being at 25000V. But the resulting light show looked better than anything WCW or TNA could make, but not the Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch. RD hopes it appears in the upcoming AEW game. 

Remembering Widow's words about using a tunnel ("that's how most crooks get into vaults"), the Duo follow it to the actual lair (:18) to find the villains counting their money.
Batman: "You didn't count on us, did you, you sophisticated but evil woman?"
Widow: "As a matter of fact, no. But how fiendishly clever of you. And how handsome you are, Bat-doll."
Batman: "You needn't try to short circuit our brains, Black Widow. We're still wearing our anti-short circuit Bat-brain electrodes."
Robin (whispering): "Batman, I've lost one of my electrodes."
Batman (whispering): "Bad luck, old chum, but perhaps I can pull off a bluff."

She calls them on it, trying a second attempt...having reversed the polarity. Robin is of course fine, but Batman is not, standing there frenetically blinking.
Robin: "You, she-devil! Have you short circuited Batman's brain? I will not submit to your treachery!"
Widow (to mind-controlled Batman): "Masked Muscles, you go back through the tunnel into my main web and have a little drink to the latest development."
Batman: "Could we take Robin along too?"
Widow: "But of course. No Robin, no Dynamic Duo. N'est-ce pas?"
RD is sure this was referenced in Burton's Batman. He also enjoyed the recent Flash movie which also had Keaton Batman.

Batman knocks Robin out and helps to carry him further inside the lair, and you can tell he did a good job because Ward can be easily seen giggling. 

Widow: "Well, Bat-doll, perhaps you would like some champagne?"
Batman: "I never touch spirits. Have you some milk?" (:27)
She asks Trap Door (in his trap door) for a quart of whole milk, and Batman is so excited he rubs his hands together in anticipation. 

After Widow stomachs a swallow of milk, she asks Batman to find more banks to hit in the Batcave. He doesn't need to go back, since he carries in his utility belt a "remote control Batcomputer oscillator." He activates it just as Alfred is by the Batcomputer to notice it working.
Widow finds a target ("the just opened Heritage First National Bank") but the information also states ""Seen with Black Widow. Batman's life in great danger?""
Widow: "Oh, it really seems as if your criminal career is over even before it starts. But I am certainly not going to risk your life."
She asks Batman for a spare suit that they will put on mannequin grandpa above ground while she will dress up as Robin, much to RD's confusion. She then asks Batman to call the branch manager through her WebPhone.

Meanwhile in Gordon's Office, the Undynamic Duo are happy there have been no recent robberies since Widow has been dealt with.
RD: "Where did they think that Batman was keeping Black Widow? In the Batcave where they throw the deceased women?"
The Duo are called by the branch manager in question (Irving Irving). He tells them that Batman is to take $40,000 in a brown paper bag "at exactly 11:43 this morning" to split with Widow. Of course Gordon thinks this is just Batman at work.

Cut to a nearby street, with the Batmobile being driven by Batrobot and Robin Widow, she driving from the passenger side with her own bad ADR (since it is in fact just Ward in makeup).

A call comes in to Gordon's...but from a regular non-Bat phone. His hearing about the robbery by 'Batman and Robin' causes such a sad look on his face.
O'Hara: "Saints preserve us!"
Gordon: "Yes, indeed, saints preserve us if the Caped Crusaders have gone crooked."
O'Hara: "Which apparently they have."
Gordon: "Chief O'Hara, I want an APB to all units for the arrest of Batman. Hopefully alive, but we'll take him the other way if we have to." (Emphasis mine)
APB: "Attention all units. Be on alert for Batman. First name unknown. Caucasian. Height: 6'2, wearing purple trunks, purple cape, purple cowl, and a black bat insignia on his chest. He has a masked accomplice whose alias is Robin. Approach with caution. They may be armed."

A police officer quickly finds the Batmobile and approaches gun drawn. He is met with even more bad ADR by Robin Widow: "think Batman is afraid of you, copper? Go on and shoot. I dare you."
Officer: "What's happened to you, Boy Wonder? Even your voice has turned snarly."
Widow: "None of your business, flatfoot! Now, go ahead and shoot, because you'll never take us alive!"
The Batmobile drives off at 2 MPH, as the officer fires and hits at point blank. "I couldn't have missed at such close range. I've killed Batman!"

Of course the real Batman is not actually a zombie getaway driver, and is still at the lair playing cards by himself. (:38) Despite this the goons still want him to cheat.
Batman: "I certainly don't wish to be rude, but normally the game of solitaire requires only one player.
Why don't you two kibitzers go outside and wait for Black Widow?"
They do...leaving behind Robin who manages to untie himself and obtains the short-circuit device and polarity reverses it again. Nice job, schmucks.
Before using the device though Robin asks Batman to sing. He responds with...I'm Called Little Buttercup from HMS Pinafore, including the theatrical movements. RD thought it was amazing. Vince: TREMENDOUS!!!  He was even there in person for Scott Steiner Math and thought this little spectacle was better.

Sadly Robin has to zap his old chum and bring him back to normal.
Batman: "Of course I knew what I was doing, but with my cerebrum short circuited I couldn't stop myself."
He plans to pretend he's still compromised and Robin still captive.
Vince compares Batman's dodging apologizing to Dixie Carter doing the same thing. Even McMahon would apologize. This probably explains why one promoter is still in business with a bad hair dye job and the other is playing with her action figures and/or rewatching The 40 Year Old Virgin since her company is no longer in business (sugah). 

In the Office the Undynamic Duo hear of Batman's "death" without any literal body of proof. They decide to call Robin who's "most likely in the Batcave" to confirm. Of course Alfred picks up instead.
Gordon: "One of our officers was forced to shoot Batman. And the Boy Wonder has become one of Gotham City's ten most wanted men. Boys."
Alfred is confused: earlier Batman earlier remote controlled his Batcomputer from "411 Larva Drive". The policemen think they've found their lair and prepare to mobilize their men to arrive late.

The Bros think Hamilton and Repp were the ones most prone to cause trouble on set, and ask for any Batbloopers. 

At said lair, Widow returns with her haul. "I was adorable as baby Boy Wonder."
Batman: "Robin's pretty good as a Boy Wonder too."
Robin: "You bet I am, Batman!"
This immediately leads to a fight. The goons again try to flee while carrying Robin for some reason while West makes some questionable faces. One of the speech bubbles is a WRONK! reminding RD of AJ Styles facing a "Wronk Stink" on TNA. The Duo trip the goons with a literal rug pull and then zap Widow. Does that make her a White Wife? (I'm not a scientist.)

Gordon (entering): "Batman! Oh, it's really you!"
Batman: "In cape and cowl, Commissioner. Why?"
Gordon: "I'll explain later, but thank heaven!"
Widow is of course pleased to see O'Hara and go to jail with him. "My heart says no but my brain says  yes."
Batman: "I feel it's my responsibility to tell you that you have the constitutional right to consult with our attorney before answering any questions."
Widow: "But I want to answer his questions. (To O'Hara) Sweetheart, I cannot tell you how much you remind me of my dear departed Max."
RD questions the legality of their actions.

At the jail the villains are put under the Brainwave Bat-Analyzer hairdryer.
Widow: "If it really looks good, I'd love to have you come over every day and give me a wash and set."
O'Hara (to Batman): "With all the crime that you and Robin should be out fighting, how do you find time to come here and fix Black Widow's coiffeur?"
Batman: "What we're doing is decriminalizing them. It may take months of treatment, but we feel it's worth a try. If we can permanently short circuit the bad streaks in them, we will make honest useful citizens out of those spidery crooks."

RD: "There is NO WAY. There is no way, no how, this was in any way, shape, or form, legal."

Vince reminds him who the Warden is.

Anyway Widow also wants some wine for her stay. "Divine, darling."

The Bros agree the episode was better than the last one at the very least.

Vince: "Are we rating Tallulah Bankhead?" He gives her 8 Batpoles for being what he considers Hollywood royalty. RD reminds him her credit has a 'Miss'. He gives her a "generous" 0.
Sadly this was her final role, passing away a year later from pneumonia at the too young age of 66.

RD found another "Batvertisement" for British Leyland's Austin Metro from 1987. Vince considers it borderline sacrilege. (:55)

The Arcade now has an Addams Family pinball machine, which "sold more than 20,000 units, making it the best-selling pinball game of all time." Its quality was so good that nobody bought replacements, which didn't help when the pinball market later crashed. (:57)

RD desperately wants to find footage of Nailz against Barry "Repo Man" Darsow at a 1997 WCW house show.

 

• Special Guest Villain: Black Widow (Not the competition's) ((Miss) Tallulah Bankhead)

• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Dangerous and stuff, very timely
• Screen Shares: 2. Vince, RD
  
• Entertain The People: 1
  

Episode 95: Holy Lava!: June 18, 2023

Black Widow Strikes Again
March 15, 1967
"The Black Widow uses her cerebrum short-circuiting device to rob bank after bank in Gotham City. Batman and Robin soon catch up with her, but actually capturing the villainess proves harder than expected. Despite her nerve paralyzer spray, and two remote-control dummies that try to throw the Dynamic Duo off course, they finally make it inside the Black Widow's lair. But soon after entering, they are trapped in a giant web with two deadly black widow spiders."
56 minutes

RD: Prefers Scarlett Johansson. I don't know about that. Like Vince I'm all about the Golden Age beauty if I can help it. (Also like her calling everyone 'dahling' since she was bad at names I too call everyone 'pal'.)

Oh, you meant Black Widows. ... Yes, this is the main sticking point about the character, seeing as Stan Lee helped create her four years earlier (1964), becoming a recurring Avenger two years later. This Black Villain on the other hand was just a one-off.

RD was once again on vacation with the family down in Universal Orlando. This put a delayed toll on the body when he returned home. He tried the Jurassic World VelociCoaster with hungry and enraged velociraptors. The slogan: "What can go wrong?" Mrs. Deal tried to read about it online and could only find certain troll comments. 

Vince: "Speaking of butterbeer,"
RD: "I needed some to get through this show."

Narrator: "Another groovy day in Gotham City and everything seems just right in our teeming metropolis. But there's a new face in the crowd...the face of Black Widow!" (:08)

To further compound the character, she pulls up to a bank branch in a motorcycle with sidecar (as driven by her goon Tarantula) with Other Black Widow's red hourglass symbol on it. RD's friends on Facebook told him it's the actual black widow symbol.

And she got Bookworm's theme, appalling RD.

Inside the bank Widow asks the manager (named Irving Cash) to open a savings account in her name of Mrs. Max Black. She then zaps him with her Cerebrum Short-Circuitor to make him put $30,000 of the vault money in it.

RD: "As a supervillain, that's not much of an ask."

And of course the money comes in a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. 

Unable to prevent her walking out (I guess his security is just as incompetent as everyone else in town), Cash personally goes to Gordon's Office to report the theft.
Cash: "There was this strange vibration and then I'm handing her thousands. I couldn't stop myself."
O'Hara: "It was as though the devil himself was at work on you."
Gordon: "Or someone just as clever."
He figures out and remembers this is the Black Widow's doing, despite this being her sole appearance. Even the Narrator called her a "new face".
Cash thinks this calls for the "Dynamic Duet", offending the Undynamic Duet to no end.

Narrator: "At this moment, within the walls of stately Wayne Manor, an unveiling is taking place."
Holstered Aunt Harriet hands Dick a pair of her black pants.
Harriet: "I've decided to go mod. Now what do you boys think?"
Bruce: "Tres chic, Aunt Harriet. Every bachelor in Gotham City will be staring."
Harriet: "I wanted to get a miniskirt, but the sales girl wasn't sure I had the face for it."
RD: "What drugs were these people taking?"
Alfred: "Carnaby Street has come to Wayne Manor, madam."
He then attempts to speak what RD considers 'carnie': "Mr. Gordon Commish is calling." Somehow the Duo know what he means and retire to the study to answer the call.
Harriet: "There they go, healthy as normal and I'm such a beatnik."

Even the Duo are confused by the name Black Widow, but nevertheless, "to the Batpoles!"

Gordon: "Black Widow wins her victim's confidence by pretending to open a savings account. Her methods of overpowering include hypnosis, drugs, and other artificial brain stimuli." (:19)
This requires Batman to bring out his hairdryer Brainwave Bat-Analyzer.
Batman: "Judging by her past modus operandi, Robin and I suspect that Black Widow may have short- circuited a portion of Mr. Cash's brain thereby rendering him incapable of making judgments."
Cash: "Oh, this is worse than I thought! First my money, now my brain!"
Batrman: "Easy, citizen."

They put him in the hairdryer Analyzer and flip random switches to determine his cerebellum has been affected. Cash demonstrates this by trying to get up while still in the thing.
Gordon: "That secret weapon of hers, she could clean out every bank in Gotham City, and we'd always be one step behind her."
O'Hara: "Me men are clever, goodness knows, but where the human brain is concerned, they're just not equipped." (Emphasis mine.)
Batman gives Cash two pills to fix his brain damage while O'Hara massages Cash's scalp.

Narrator: "Meanwhile, in the web of an underground grotto somewhere in Gotham City, Black Widow  and her spidery companions are enjoying the fruits of Black Widow's labor of love."

Widow still needs to hit more banks, much to Tarantula's chagrin. Another goon named Trap Door hangs out of a...trap door. "I got lonely."
Other goon Daddy Long Legs: "I don't know how you do it, Blacky. I tried robbing banks when I was  younger but I always got nailed before I was out the door."
Widow: "Happiness can't buy money. Heh. Poor sweet Max."
Cue evil laugh.

In the Batcave the Batcomputer is taking rather a long while on processing data on Widow, much to Robin's impatience.
Batman: "Bother you? It should. (To the camera) Just as it should bother any red-blooded American  citizen who recognizes the law and obeys it."

Meanwhile Widow hits another bank, controlling the manager (Irving Bracken) for $40,000 in unmarked bills.

Robin (reading the print-out): ""Black Widow Lingerie. Black Widow Weeds Removal Service. Black Widow Black Top Company. Black, Widow and Black Attorneys." But not one single bank. Seems to be hung up on the word "black."
Batman: "Maybe the Bat-Analyzing gears need oiling."
Gordon calls to report more robberies.
Batman: "I'm almost tempted to let her...Letter! Give me the names of the banks Black Widow has  robbed."
The list is in alphabetical order (Robin: "No wonder the Batcomputer couldn't figure out her plan, it was too easy!") so the next one will be G.
Batman: "Tell Chief O'Hara and his men to sit on their tuffets, so to speak, and stay away from the  Gotham General Bank and Trust. Repeat, stay away. Robin and I are less likely to frighten this spider  away."

The branch visit gives an excuse to have their window celebrity, a "citizen" teller played by George Raft, another pioneering "gangster" actor. He also had a gimmick of flipping a coin, which he also does here while trying to get the Duo to open an account. They get him to take them to the vault which contains the manager (Irving Leghorn) standing with a Tommy gun. He is so relieved that he jumps on Batman for a hug, which he does not take well. The Duo ask him to "act naturally" when Widow visits, which he takes to continue acting like a complete idiot. 

Of course instead of Widow visiting it's Aunt Harriet, "one of Gotham City's most law-abiding and respected citizens."
Harriet: "All I wanted to do was open a small savings account for my nephew Dick Grayson. There's always Beneficial."

THEN Widow comes in. 
Batman: "So, Black Widow, we finally meet." (emphasis mine)
She tries to zap him.
Batman: "Don't waste your energy, Black Widow. Robin and I have been wearing anti-short circuiting  brain Bat-electrodes since your first day in Gotham City."
So she slowly takes out and sprays a giant Instant Nerve Paralyzer to stun Batman and just walk out. Robin is stunned too so he can't do anything - oh wait, he wasn't. He just stood there like a fucking idiot.
Batman: "Feels...like...a paralyzing dose...of spider venom. ...It should...wear off...presently."

Thankfully he predicted this, and installed in the Batmobile an "odor-sensitometer radar circuit."
Robin (badly dubbed all of a sudden): "Holy olfactory."
Batman: "The oil-and-gas mixture from her motor bike will register on the sensitometer and be picked up as a blip on the radarscope. All we have to do is follow that blip." 

The scent leads to a fake house that opens its secret entrance in a wall to let Widow through just before the Duo show up. (:34) They see an elderly couple on their porch and think they can help.
Widow, seeing this while fully cocooned in her lair, turns on her Dummy Lip Activator to voice the couple who are actually mannequins to try and divert them.
Widow (also badly dubbed): "Say, aren't you that Bat fellow and that Robin fellow who are constantly fighting evil? Keep up the good work. Frank and I are both categorically against evil."
Batman (also badly dubbed): "Thank you, senior citizens."

They return to the Batcave, where of course Batman has recorded the bad ADR on his Bat-Tape Recorder in order to analyze it.  

So they go back to the house. (Holy Padding!) The old "couple" is still there rocking.
Robin: "Three hours and they're still going strong."
Batman: "Thought they'd be off their rockers by now, eh, Robin?"

They linger in finding the secret entrance, allowing Widow to prepare her goons to await them in a game of "spider and the fly" i.e. a fight. Paul goes ham out during this flying all over the set while the audio has more fits. 

Batman: "So, latrodectus mactans, commonly known as Black Widow, caught in your own web, eh?"
Widow: "Oh, there is nothing common about me, Dynamic Doll. And as for being caught in my own  web may I give you a tiny, little piece of advice? If you wish to live and thrive, let the spider run alive."

Since the Duo don't want anyone to stay alive, she activates a giant spider web, trapping the two.

Widow: "Dearheart, you may be caped, and you may be dynamic, but to me you are a crashing bore. So voila. (She summons two horribly fake giant spiders.) I had them skip their dinner so they would thoroughly enjoy  you. And now my lieutenants and I  are going to tunnel into my vault and count our lovely loot."

Cue the Duo doing their best with the "spiders" like they're in an Ed Wood movie.  

Narrator: "Is Black Widow about to succeed where countless other crooks have failed? Or can Black Widow's widows be stopped before dinner? For the answers to these and other creepy questions, tune in tomorrow! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

Vince thinks getting Bankhead was a big thing for the show but at the cost of everything else.

RD found another Batvertisement, this one for Lava soap. (:40) Vince wonders why Gordon keeps a spare bar in his desk. RD is amazed the packaging hasn't changed too much over the years. The Bros are tempted to buy some bars. 

RD had reconstructed an arcade machine for the initially unreleased Marble Man: Marble Madness II.

AEW is expanding to five hours a week, adding to WWE's seven. As the Bros point out you can have too much of a good thing (and not just in wrestling).

 

• Special Guest Villain: Black Widow (Not the competition's) ((Miss) Tallulah Bankhead)

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Butterbeer
• Window Celebrity: 1. George Raft
• Entertain The People: 1
• Screen Shares: 4. RD, Vince, Vince, RD
  

Episode 94: Holy Savings Bonds!: June 11, 2023

53 minutes

RD hasn't changed his title from the last recording, belying they are recording this immediately after that as much as he is still Very Unlike Indian Fakirs. 

Today the Bros will look at some promotions, commercials, public service announcements and clips to see how Batman was promoted over some years until the Burton movies and The Animated Series made him the hero that they deserve (not the one that they need).

• Vince has a framed mountable replica of TV Guide with Batman on the cover.
  
• He also has a framed mountable original of the March 1966 Life Magazine - also with Batman on the cover - that he bought for $10.
• From the National Archives is a rather famous one. (:05) Batman reads a "message" from President Johnson extolling the "boys and girls" to buy savings bonds to support the Vietnam War. Five year old Vince received some bonds which were worth $32. He would have asked his mother to buy some more for him because Batman says so. RD concurs. They wonder if today's superheroes would support today's wars. 
• From 1973, (:10) Batgirl saves the Duo on behalf of the Federal Equal Pay Act (Batman: "No time for jokes Batgirl"). This is despite Craig being paid more than Ward and Batman not being played by West. This really riled up Vince. RD jokes it was his stunt double, or it should have been Alfred. Vince jokes West was not there because he did "not believe that women should be paid equally". Actually he just wanted to distance himself from the role for some reason. Vince looks up a copy on YouTube that listed West as appearing. While researching Hulk Hogan for the first WC book, RD saw an incorrect IMDB credit for Michael Nesmith's Elephant Parts that almost ended up being published. 
• West does appear in a recently discovered item on road crossing awareness (i.e. look both ways before crossing a street) - from the United Kingdom. (:17) He accentuates it by holding a child in his arms for 10 seconds. 
• West did not appear on the Superfriends, so he did not voice Batman teaching Robin how to do the Heimlich Maneuver. (:20) RD wonders how a choking victim would tell someone what to do. If they could talk, why would you need to do it anyway?
• Also animated (from 1984), the Duo have advice on safe skateboarding. (:23) This would not apply to either Bro who never skateboarded as youths. This would not help safety either, as RD would want to skate recklessly so as to be saved by the Duo. Vince was annoyed Robin was voiced by Casey Kasem for some reason. 
• Roving Vince found the time Conan O'Brien remembered the recently passed West (at ComicCon) with some of his more memorable lines from the series. (:27)
• Instead of another PSA RD found an '86 parody ad for Zayre discount stores. (:29) West actually sued over it for $9 million. He lost. Four years later Zayre merged with TJ Maxx's parent company. I don't think those two are related.
• RD found a promo which would run during the original airing (on ABC). (:33) He was particularly amused by the end clip of the Duo shaking hands on a loop. 
• He contrasts this with one during its run in syndication. (:38) The Bros reminiscence on syndication and their attempts to record them on tape. 
• RD then compares them to one on cable's Family Channel (now known as Freeform) recorded in 90's VHS fidelity. (:44) Cable's penchant to sometimes cut scenes to fit within 22 minutes on runtime made the Bros forget Catwoman's cameo during Ma Parker's story.

For his efforts Vince gives his friend applause. 

RD enjoyed writing about a shock win by Barry Horowitz.

RD thinks CM Punk's return to AEW could work if he fought everyone as soon as he arrived. However as he doesn't think that will happen he doesn't expect success. 

Then RD almost gets disconnected from the call.

• Entertain The People: 2
  
• Screen Shares: 10. RD, RD, RD, RD, RD, Vince, RD, RD, RD, RD

Episode 93: Holy Package!: June 5, 2023

Batman's Waterloo
March 9, 1967
"Though Batman escapes his watery trap, Robin is left in the hands of King Tut. The deluded villain still believes that Lisa Carson is really Queen Cleopatra, and calls Lisa's father to demand a ransom of $8,300,487.12, the mortgage on the Pyramids. Using the Jolly Jackson radio show to communicate, Tut negotiates the terms of payment with Batman. However, the villain most likely intends to keep both the money and Lisa, and has further plans to fry the Caped Crusaders in his royal boiling oil."
49 minutes

Vince thinks RD: Very Unlike Indian Fakirs is up to something when he takes a selfie. He considers RD and his other podcast colleague Bin Hamin as his cleverest friends. He uses this as cover to make a dad joke about Tom & Jerry playing cat and mouse. He gives himself applause for this. 

The Bros think the series is becoming more adult orientated. 

Narrator: "As you may recall, we last left Batman sealed in an Egyptian sarcophagus five feet under water. For you, several hours have passed. For our heroes, not one second. We just may be witnessing the final  chapter in Batman's brave life. Don't move an inch! The most incredible occurrences have yet to occur  incredibly!"

Tut continues to gloat, though without a speech. "Don't work yourself into a flap, spunky!" he says randomly to Robin. "He's drowned, not even brat-to-bat resuscitation can help him now." Then he leaves. His other girl (Neila) still doesn't know what is appealing from "dame" Cleopatra Lisa.
Tut: "Well, whatever it is, she's had it centuries longer than you."

In the Batcave Alfred receives Morse Batcode on the Wireless Bat-Transmitter (For Bat-Emergencies only). 

In Tut's throne room he is suddenly saddened he and Lisa are 'arguing'. He orders his goons to "gather  up yon bird boy and bring the Tuttruck round to the front entrance."
Meanwhile Alfred has somehow managed to get on the roof to oversee this.
Tut: "We go now to the royal oil boiling room. A perfect place to make our nuptial arrangements. ... When we get to the royal oil boiling room, be sure to prepare some real boiling royal boiling oil to boil the boy wonder in royally."
RD needed a second take to read the line.
Alfred takes advantage of the group leaving to get the controls and lift up the sarcophagus.

In the Tuttruck Tut continues to flirt with Lisa despite her rejections.
Chancellor: "She speaks heresy, omnipotent one."
Tut: "Lord Chancellor, you don't understand women. Beneath it all, she's aflame with love for me."
Lisa: "Please, I beg of you. Next to Bruce Wayne, my father is probably the wealthiest man in Gotham  City. ... I'll do anything if you'll call my father."

Meanwhile Alfred revives Batman by slapping him. "I came as soon as I received your Morse Batcode message. It was really most propitious that I happened to be dusting the Batcave when you sent it."
Batman: "I counted on your love for your work."
Alfred: "I don't understand how you managed to survive with no air, and for such a great length of time, sir."
Batman: "I put myself in a trance not unlike the Indian fakirs. It required extreme concentration. I was able to slow my heart and respiratory systems to a crawl."
Alfred: "But you were without air for nearly an hour, sir."
Batman: "Yes, I know of one fakir who was buried for three years."
They return to the Batcave in order to find Robin. 

Meanwhile in the Tuttruck Tut relents to Lisa's pleading to call her father. (:17) "But I insist
that he stay away until after the wedding." She promises, and he puts his hand out. "Put her there!"

So Tut calls Johnny John E. Carson as "your future son-in-law. I'm sure you'll be happy to welcome me into your family. I come from good stock. My father was a king, grandfather before him, so am I." He lists Lisa's queen's ransom at the low price of $8,300,487.12. "I need it to pay off the mortgage on the pyramids. The interest rate over 3400 years is positively usurious." Because as any good pharaoh knows, Egypt doesn't have its own currency, especially not with historical references. 

Carson agrees to pay up, but he needs an intermediary. "My company sponsors the daily Jolly Jackson Phone Jockey radio show. When I've collected that much money, I'll call in and I'll say, "The sleet in Crete is never very neat."" He hangs up - and immediately calls Ed McMahon Gordon.

In the Batcave the two nonchalantly discuss Tut's plan to boil Robin.
Batman: "Drawing upon my vast storehouse of chemical knowledge, I'm herein concocting an  alchemist fluid which will neutralize the boiling oil."
Alfred: "What exactly does it do, sir?"
Batman: "I'm not quite sure, Alfred. It's the first time I've ever tried this experiment. But I think in the end it should produce foam rubber."
Alfred: "From a tiny capsule like that?"
Batman: "The size of the package, Alfred, is in no way any indication of the value of its contents."

Immediately Gordon calls, asking if Batman can talk to Bruce.

Batman: "I occasionally run into him commissioner. Why?"
Gordon: "I'm worried about my daughter Barbara."
This is the first time the future Batgirl is mentioned on the show by name.
Batman: "How is she involved in all this?"
Gordon: "Well, as Bruce Wayne knows, she's away at college, she'll be graduating shortly, and I'd hate  to think that some of the dire happenings which have happened to that fine professor of Egyptology  could also happen to my beloved daughter at her school."
Batman: "I rather doubt that your daughter Barbara is going to get conked on the head and turned into a  long-dead Egyptian ruler, commissioner."
Gordon: "I know it sounds a little farfetched, but she's an only child and of course, my pride and joy. I just need a little reassurance."
Batman: "If I see Bruce Wayne I'll ask him to call you. He knows more about the present American collegiate scene than I do."

That important point out of the way, Gordon then tells him about the radio show. 

Cut to the radio as Batman calls in.
Jackson: "You know, you're the eighth person that called today claiming to be Batman. ... If you're really Batman then you're a very brainy guy, right? Tell me who said, "Biography should be written by an acute enemy"?"
Batman: "Arthur James Balfour, born 1848, died 1930. He was quoted by S.K. Ratcliffe in the London Observer, January 30, 1927."
Jackson (suddenly a believer): "Friends, we have a very special guest on the line. A great and good friend of yours truly:  Batman. He has a message for you. Fire away, Caped Crusader."
Batman: "This message is for King Tut only. I request all other citizens of Gotham City to comply with  my wishes and shut their radios off for the next 30 seconds."
Of course all the city does so because they're easily led simpletons.
Tut (in his lair): "Curse you, Batman! May you fall down a flight of stairs and break every tooth in your head except one, and in that, may you have a toothache for the rest of your life which won't be very long."

So "Tutsy" has his turn to call in: "Tell that blue beanbag to bring the money to the royal oil boiling room in the abandoned boiler works in the old Boylston section of the city tonight. Alone. And you can also tell him to -"
Cut to Batman listening to what seems to be a whole range of swears. "Oh, such language!" But he has the location.
Alfred: "Holy steam valve! (Beat) Sorry, sir, it just slipped out. It must be because Master Robin's uppermost in my thoughts at the moment."
Batman: "And in mine, Alfred. You mind the store."
Vince thinks Alfred wants to be Dick's successor as Robin. 

At the room of boiling, Tut is unhappy at the slow heat from not using vegetable oil. (:28)
"The Caped Conniver seems to have a penchant for escaping from tight places. He'll not escape this  one. Before this night is out I shall revel in the sight of a big, crisp, polyunsaturated bat. And that goes  for his sickening sidekick too."
Sadly Robin does not exclaim a "Hey! That's me!"
RD: "You know what they call fried bat? Chicken of the Cave."

Cut to Batman at Carson's TV studio house. Sadly as the banks were closed he could only get $6 million.
Batman: "For once, I just don't know. Do you think he'd accept a check for the difference?"
If it was written on papyrus it might work?
Carson: "This ransom will break me, but I don't care."
Batman: "Strange. I was under the impression that you were a multi-multimillionaire."
Carson: "Everybody thinks so. But all I have in the world is now in your hands. I had hoped to arrange  a match between Lisa and Bruce Wayne. The combination of our fortunes would put me back on top and give me room to manipulate."
Batman: "A marriage of convenience, eh?"
Carson: "It goes on all the time among the upper classes. Normally, I wouldn't think of Bruce Wayne as  a husband for Lisa. Well, he's a nice enough fellow, but he's just not marriage material for a girl like  Lisa. (Beat) Actually, you're more her style."
Batman: "Me? I'm afraid not, Mr. Carson. My heart is already pledged to crimefighting."

Cut back to the boiler with Robin and Lisa tied up together. As they bemoan their fate, Neila comes over to free them, or at least get rid of her competition: "King Tut may be fat, lazy and extremely rude, but he's all I have. And with her here I don't even have that."
Unfortunately they're too late to evade Tut noticing the scene, who is so saddened at how everyone is against him he accidentally puts a hand on the oil, burning it. "As soon as Batman and Robin have been  fricasseed you'll both join them in yonder pot!"
Robin: "You'll answer to Batman for this."
Tut: ""You'll answer to Batman for this." You big tattletale! Boiling in oil, one of my dear father's favorite spectator sports. Only you won't be a spectator, Batboy. According to my master plan, the  cowled cornball should be arriving momentarily."

Sure enough Batman is seen coming in. The goons want to beat him up.
Tut: "No, no violence. I can't stand violence. (Beat) But I like torture. It's good, clean fun. He'll be joining his caped crony in a double birdbath."
The goons look silently at him.
Tut: "Didn't you find that funny? The king has made a yuk. Laugh now! Ha ha ha!"

He then suddenly has "slave girls" to bang a gong just as Batman breaks through a wall on his Batcycle with a Bat-tering ram. He throws his capsule into the oil to immediately foam it, bouncing Robin off from deliciously cooked doom.
Not even five seconds in to the fight Tut is taken out with a hit to the back of the head, and the stunt doubles easily handle the goons by throwing them into the gong. 

This of course once again brings Tut back to his old self.
Tut (softly): ...Oh. Did I do it again?"
Batman: "You certainly did."
Tut: "...I hurt anybody?"
Batman: "Only yourself, professor. Only yourself.
Tut: "Oh, I hope the board of regents will understand that a criminal alter ego is not an easy thing to overcome."
Batman: "As a crazed criminal, professor, your alter ego would have been dealt with justly, but firmly, (to the camera) for surely no man is above the law and no man is below it."

RD wonders what will happen to the  goons, if anything. What about Neila?

There's no time for that, as we immediately cut to Bruce taking Lisa back to her place as the Batman Love Theme is playing (and which RD is still looking for for his anniversary).
Lisa: "Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?"
Bruce: "I'm afraid it's rather late. Why, it's 10:30."
Lisa: "Oh. All right. Will you call me again?"
Bruce: "I wonder if that would be wise, Lisa; you're a very beautiful woman, and you'd make some
lucky man a marvelous wife. Unfortunately, I'm not that man. You see, the Wayne Foundation is my wife. You're just wasting your time with me."
He does however oblige her request for a kiss.
Bruce: "...Milk and cookies, did you say?"
Lisa: "I made the cookies myself."
They share another kiss, and then:
Bruce (to the camera): "Man cannot live by crimefighting alone."

Wrote RD: "He then goes in to get laid."

Vince thought 37 year old Lee Whitney was "long in the tooth" as Neila, and he was just being generous, but like me he recognized her as Yeoman Janice Rand. She was also a professional singer, including touring with Spike Jones, and was the first Chicken of the (non Cave) Sea Mermaid. Both agree on giving 6.5 or 7 Batpoles (I'll round up for them.)

Lee Meriwether (then 31 years for this story) of course has quite the career, not just Catwoman or her long tenure on All My Children or even her own Star Trek appearance. The Bros wonder if they can get her on the show. RD gives her 7.5 or 8. Vince thought she "looked good in the very last scene" and also gives her an 8.

Next time the Bros will watch series related commercials, PSAs, and how to properly apply the Heimlich Maneuver. 

Vince had nothing to do with Hulk Hogan's last day with TNA or people riding the Dixie Train.

 

• Special Guest Villain: King Tut [3] (Victor Buono) [3]
• Extra Special Guest Non-Villainess: Lee Meriwether [2] as Lisa
  

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Jokes
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. I held my breath.
• Window Celebrity: 1. Grace Lee Whitney