Episode 101: Holy Cycle!: July 31, 2023

Batgirl
1967 but unaired - no, not that almost finished movie
"At the Gotham City library, Barbara Gordon helps Bruce Wayne find a book on butterflies so he can prove a point to a friend, a millionaire explorer. As Bruce and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, are leaving they spot the villainous Killer Moth and three of his henchmen and, suspecting they are up to no good, determine to return as their superhero alter-egos, Batman and Robin. While the Caped Crusaders are donning their costumes, the criminal quartet knock out the millionaire, lock Barbara in an alcove and prepare to spirit their victim away. When the Dynamic Duo attempt to capture the crooks, they are encased in Killer Moth's silk cocoon. Is this the end of our Gotham City heroes? And why does a beautiful librarian have a cowl and a cape hanging in a convenient closet?"
Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin
September 14, 1967
"The Penguin plans to gain immunity from the law by becoming the police commissioner's son-in-law. He kidnaps Commissioner Gordon's daughter, Barbara, and threatens her into agreeing to marry him. Unknown to him, Barbara Gordon has a secret crime fighting identity, Batgirl. Alfred learns of her secret when he is brought to Penguin's hideout instead of a preacher, and Batman and Robin realize just how valuable their new ally is when they find themselves hopelessly strung up in Penguin's lair."
59 minutes

RD: Russo's Witless Ward. He wonders why Vince keeps talking about wrestling if he hates it. 

Vince wonders on the TV short's existence if it is quite bad. RD thought it was just for internal use, especially as it is less than 10 minutes long. He only could be able to see it because someone sent him a copy. Assuming he didn't find it online anyway.

Narrator: "Gotham City, like any other large metropolis, abounds in girls of all shapes and sizes: debutantes, nurses, stenographers, and librarians. Like this librarian in the Gotham City Library as the closing hours near, finishing a service for a very distinguished customer: millionaire Bruce Wayne."

Yvonne Craig in short bun hair and a bright yellow dress, gives a "completely" out of print book to Bruce.
Bruce: "You're new here, aren't you?"
Barbara: "Yes, I just started working here recently, but it isn't like we're complete strangers, Mr. Wayne. I'm Commissioner Gordon's daughter."
Bruce: "Hmmm, Commissioner Gordon has been keeping you under wraps for far too long."
Barbara: "Isn't that your youthful ward, Dick Grayson, talking to the gentleman at the table?"
Bruce: "Yes, and he's sitting next to my millionaire friend Roger Montrose."
Vince thinks he mentions people being millionaires to impress and attract women.

Vince didn't find anything to write on, for some reason. He asks RD to spell 'copious'.
RD: "I thought you wrote a book. Did you always misspell everything?"

Bruce walks off, under the eye of another older librarian marm, another word to confuse Vince. 
"Oh boy that millionaire Bruce Wayne, so handsome and so rich!"
Barbara: "And he's a bachelor."

Away from the women and the men are other people wearing antennas over black beanies. (:09) They plan to kidnap the millionaire - then kill him for some reason. And they can't kill Bruce either for some reason due to his friendship with Batman. 

Dick (to Bruce): "Those four men over there, they look like Killer Moth's men."
Moth was an actual villain in the comics, and even the first to be defeated by Batgirl. So of course he won't ever be seen in the third season. He doesn't even get a name (Drury Walker) for 30 years!

Bruce and Dick leave the set to change to their outfits as Gordon calls Barbara: "you stood me up for dinner." Barbara asks for tomorrow. "It's a date." She then blows a kiss over the phone to her "handsome" father. This rather unsettled the Bros.

The goons strike just as the library closes, grabbing Montrose, and putting Barbara in an locked office so she can fix her hair.
Narrator: "Strange... she seems very cool about being locked in. And who's locking whom? And what is this? Her own secret panel, leading to her own secret closet?"

Moth himself shows up to lead his men, as indicated by his ridiculously cheap looking cape and rabbit ear antennas. The Duo break in with the Bat-lock Breaker Ray.
Robin: "Not long ago they were caterpillars."
Cue a fight.
Moth: "From caterpillars come cocoons, Boy Wonder!"
He shoots with his Moth Spray Gun, incapacitating the Duo in a paper-mache coccon. 

Meanwhile Barbara unbuttons her shirt ala Clark Kent to reveal the Batgirl outfit underneath, and takes off her skirt to become her cape.
Narrator: "Holy transformation! One minute playing Barbara Gordon, librarian and commissioner's daugther. The next - something new has been added. BATGIRL! Modeled after her idol Batman, ready for this crucial moment and off to make her first foray in her own beautiful beguiling way through her secret exit!"

Meanwhile Moth stands around creepily as Batman calls him an "insidious insect!"
Narrator: "Our disguised and now titian haired beauty makes a smashing entrance!" (Through a window.)
Robin: "Holy apparition!"
Batgirl: "No, Boy Wonder. I'm Batgirl! You're no longer alone, Caped Crusaders!"

She then spins to win and throws the goons around with a globe (but no punches!) to the confusion of Robin and the sudden salivation of Batman. She then watches as the bookshelves and furniture all collapse without her doing anything to try and help. RD wonders if she needed the overtime pay to help clean it up. She then gets her "Electronic Batgirl Compact with Laser Beam" that can "destroy anything" to get the Duo out of their binds. Then it's back to spinning on a desk for some more fighting. After the three agree not to ask about their real identities she leaves the scene, allowing the Duo to handle things from there.

Batman (to the camera): "I suspect we will see her again. A new member of our team or a crime fighting rival?"
Narrator: "Or just plain Barbara Gordon, masquerading for a lark as she rides into the night on her Special Batgirl Cycle? Who knows? Is the Dynamic Duo destined to become the Triumphant Trio? Only time will tell us more about this dazzling daredoll Batgirl!"
RD hopes they don't keep calling it the Special Batgirl Cycle. Not without some sort of birth control on hand anyway.

 

...

 

And now the actual show only airs once a week, a half an hour on Thursdays (and on the same premiering day as Raymond Burr's Ironside). (:20) 

Narrator: "Every day in Gotham City brings new surprises, but this day is going to top them all.  Although it begins none too differently, just wait. Just wait!"

In the Batcave the Dynamic Duo celebrate stopping Catwoman once again, and later they are going to go to the Opera with the Undynamic Duo. RD: "That sounds horrible."
Robin: "Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know?"
Batman: "I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives. Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing his daughter, Barbara, along as my date. So tonight is Dick Grayson's night for musical appreciation and the social amenities." (Emphasis mine.)

Narrator: "While at the Gotham City Library, where one of the newer librarians is leaving for her night of culture and social graces..."
Before newer librarian Barbara Gordon can leave, old man Gordon gives her a call to confirm that she is coming.
Barbara: "Besides, I'm looking forward to seeing our host, millionaire Bruce Wayne."
Gordon: "Well, he's gonna get quite a surprise tonight. He hasn't seen you since you went away to college four years ago. And you're twice as pretty now as you were then."
RD: "Is Gordon pimping out his daughter so he can be in the Rich Kids Club?"
Vince: "I think he wouldn't mind the idea of his daughter marrying a millionaire." 

Being a new librarian and the daughter of a public serving official, of course Barbara's "midtown apartment house" is a very large multi-room affair. This doesn't even include the Penguin popping in from the roof. "Welcome to the cage, my wild dove! Waugh waugh waugh! What a tasty little squab she is too. Trust Penguin to have a surefire recipe for pigeon pie. Waugh waugh waugh!"

Cue intro, now with Batgirl fighting and riding her (non menopausal) Batcycle. 

The Bros recognize the show is much faster and colorful than before. Even the music is quicker. 

The Undynamic Duo come to the now empty apartment. (:27) Of course Gordon knows where the secret key is to enter, but there is no sign of her to his confusion.
Narrator: "You'd be very surprised to find out commissioner, for your daughter is only 20 feet away  from you in the very next apartment!"
As Penguin gloats on their secrecy his goons see Bruce and "that witless ward of his" are also in the original apartment. So he calls in so Gordon can answer.

Penguin: "You didn't happen to be missing anything lately, did you?"
Gordon: "You've got Barbara, you feathered fiend!"

"Millionaire joyboy" offers to pay any ransom, but Penguin just wants to "make her the happiest girl in Gotham City". He points them to the Gotham City Times' society page, announcing a marriage of a "well-known entrepreneur and man-about-town" to Barbara. The logic is somehow by becoming Gordon's son-in-law Pengy can gain police immunity, which is of course how such a thing works. (Instead of his now being under increased suspicion due to his proximity, which would provoke investigation by a district attorney who may or may not be Harvey Dent.) Gordon responds with such a dramatic flop RD almost thought he died.

Gordon: "There is only one man who can help me."
O'Hara (thinking hard): "Batman?"
Bruce and ward decide to return to Stately Wayne Manor. 

Penguin continues to gloat as Vince notices in his high definition how much his nose's tone and fakeness doesn't match the rest of the makeup at all. If Barbara doesn't go through with the wedding, he will go with Plan B, which consists of shooting a standup of Gordon. So she says yes. For some reason nobody in the adjacent apartment hears the gunshots.
Penguin: "That's what I like to hear. Obedience. That is the first wifely virtue." He orders some goons to find any minister to officiate while she wears his wedding gown. "I wanna get this thing over with before the Dynamic Dunderheads put the snatch on me."

Smash cut to the Batcave, where Gordon calls the Duo as they use their Batcomputer to track Pengy. Unfortunately Alfred is out "meeting with his minister to discuss a church supper".

Smash cut to said church which looks just like one of King Tut's lairs. (:35) The minister asks for donations for a summer camp, perhaps forgetting who his guest works for. Suddenly the goons show up asking for the minister. So of course Alfred volunteers.
He flips his emergency button in his belt buckle, secretly informing the Duo. They take to the Batmobile. 

Alfred is brought to the apartment.
Penguin: "If I don't hear a nice "I do" you'll be visiting heaven instead of  talking about it!"
He does not recognize Alfred on sight, despite their having met many times before. 

He is taken to "coach" Barbara on what to say, and he sees her just as she is leaving through the window to her own apartment.
Barbara: "I must trust in your discretion as a man of the cloth. You mustn't reveal my secret."
Narrator: "What in the world is this? Revolving walls? Hidden rooms? Disguises? What is Barbara Gordon's secret?"
She pauses in her costume change sequence to greet her pet bird Charlie. 

Penguin: "You are about to witness the coup of the century. The world's leading arch criminal becomes the son-in-law of the police commissioner. Waugh waugh waugh! I don't know whether to call him  "Daddy" or just "commish.""
Batman (snuck in): "If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now."
Robin (snuck in): "When we get through with you, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "Daddy!""
Penguin: "Oh, you bungling buttinskies always sticking your nose into my business! This time I'm  gonna teach you a lesson!"
Batgirl (crashing in): "As long as you're holding classes, Penguin, perhaps you'd include Batgirl too."
Everyone: "Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl?"
Penguin: "Bats. I'm surrounded by bats."

Cue a super fast fight in a very small room. Batgirl kicks Pengy, smothers him, and breaks a board over his head.
Batman: "I don't know who you are, but you certainly know how to handle yourself well."
Robin: "Holy agility, I'll say."
Batgirl: "Thank you, Dynamic Duo. I'm sure you could've handled these crooks without my help, but I  was glad for the chance to join in the fun."
Batman: "I can understand your enjoyment. However, our purpose here is quite serious."
Batgirl: "Oh, crime fighting is a serious matter to me too, Batman, but we might as well get a few  laughs out of it."
Batman: "Perhaps some other time."

She sneaks out as the Duo find Alfred in the apartment instead of Barbara, and they take too long to try and open it that Penguin manages to gas them. He then orders his men to bag them and Alfred and throw them from the apartment into his truck. Barbara sees this and sneaks into another secret room.
Narrator: "Now what? Another surprise? A Batgirl Cycle in a secret freight elevator?"
Cue Batcycle chasing the truck as it drives around with Penguin in the back. "Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied."

They fast paced go to his trap...somewhere, where he is about to steam the Duo as "human tea bags" in Aunt Hilda's giant cauldron. 
Batman: "Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin!"
Pengy is distracted when he finds he also took Preacher Alfred. This gives time for Batgirl to catch up for another fight. She kicks everyone while Alfred boxes everyone, including a direct hit to Penguin's head.
Robin: "Alfred's really giving it to them."
Batman (salivating): "So is Batgirl."
They finally get free to (send their stunt doubles into the) fight.
During the scuffle Batgirl makes Alfred swear not to reveal her secret identity, not even to his boss. "You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's trust, would you?"
Alfred: "You have my word as a gentleman's gentleman that no one will ever learn your secret from me."
She gives him a kiss for his trouble before she sneaks out again to get into the wedding dress to be "rescued" by the Duo.  Alfred gives a secret eye-roll while they do.

Robin: "Who is this Batgirl? That's what we'd all like to know. Whoever she is behind that mask of  hers..."
Batman: "she helped us out of a dire dilemma."
Barbara: "Oh, yes. Think how horrible it would have been to be married to the Penguin."
Penguin: "Horrible? To be  married to me? Fa. You can't imagine such bliss."

Cut to Gordon's Office the DMV. For passing his driving test, Bruce gives Dick a '68 Plymouth Barracuda convertible.
RD: "What about those poor kids at the church?"

NOW cut to Gordon's Office. He tells O'Hara that Bruce is donating to the police pension.
RD: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN AT THE CHURCH???"
Gordon tries to call Bruce to express his thanks, but he instead gets...the Riddler, once again Frank Gorshin, standing in front of black felt.

Narrator: "The Riddler, back to puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo? Be sure to watch the next  episode!"

Also:
Dick (while driving): "Highway safety is every citizen's prime responsibility."

The Bros thought favorably of the episode and of setting up Barbara. 

RD: "I'm gonna be as polite as I possibly can. If you are one of the people that's going to say that Batgirl was more attractive than Julie Newmar Catwoman, just come over. I wanna punch you in the face just like Alfred was punching Penguin, 'cause there's something wrong with you! You need new glasses or something!"

The Arcade has a Foo Fighters pinball machine. 

RD wrote about John Tenta.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [9] (Burgess Meredith) [9]
• Unaired Special Guest Villain: Killer Moth (Tim Herbert)
  

Episode 100: Holy Suspender Buttons!: July 24, 2023

The Duo Defy
March 30, 1967
"Back in his iceberg headquarters, Mr. Freeze persuades the kidnapped Professor Isaacson to build him a thermodynamic ice ray beam. He issues an ultimatum that he will begin freezing the entire country if his demands are not met, then gives a demonstration of his weapon. As the villain works out just what his demands are, Batman and Robin track his seal, Asoulda, through an ice-packed Gotham Harbor to locate the villain's hideout."
57 minutes

RD: Celebrating 100! At 723 days (and just shy of two years) this is 250 shorter than the previous radio progrem. Remembering the episode numbering also helps. It also fits with the second season ending.

Unfortunately besides the Beatles posing for the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, nothing of note happened on the original airdate.

In his autobiography, Eli Wallach wrote about once complaining to his beloved wife Anne of the millions Arnold Schwarzenegger was making as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin while he was only paid...$350. She just told him to gain some muscles. When Arnold heard about this he sent him miniature gold barbells.

Narrator: "When last seen, the Dynamic Duo was trapped in a large vaporizing pipe in Mr. Freeze's frosty hideout beneath the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena. With his hand on the controls, Mr. Freeze was in the process of lowering their temperature and then vaporizing them into the Bruce Wayne Ice Rink above. Did he? Has he? Will he? In one chilling moment we'll find out!"

Freeze watches with Glacia and goons for the moment he can use his "vaporizing pipe pump" on the Duo. Thankfully for a panicking Robin, Batman has given them "reverse thermal Bat-lozenges."
Robin: "Will it keep me from vaporizing?"
Batman: "I doubt it. Under the right conditions, and with the right temperature, even solid matter, the human body can be vaporized in a split second."
Robin: "That's not very long. Batman, I feel like I'm evaporating right now!"

Freeze flips the switch despite Glacia's second thoughts and "cold feet".
Freeze: "One moment Masked Meddlers, the next moment Cold Crepes! Pumped like any other  freezing mixture right into the ice rink upstairs!"
He orders his goons to retrieve Isaacson, although since he's been stuck 200 degrees below zero he's dead "I think you've frozen my memory" is his response. But he will try to retrieve the formula rather than be injected with more dry ice. He gets to doing so as Freeze flips through the very one-sided counterfeit money. 

As Freeze berates Bruce for his double-crossing, Glacia remembers he and Aunt Harriet had come to visit backstage and had seen her secret communicator. Freeze of course is angered at the prospect of Bruce finding out their lair.  "Bruce Wayne is no idiot. I'm sure he's worked out some clever scheme so that Batman and Robin can bring the professor back without paying any ransom." So they decide to go back to the Iceberg again. This includes leaving Asoulda with the police, unfortunately.
Glacia: "But, darling, what about the ice revue and my famous waltzing arabesque?"
Freeze: "Glacia, take your choice. Your career or me."
Glacia (taking his arm): "I have no choice, darling."

Narrator: "But what's this? Something stirring in the seal house when we know Asoulda's in a bathtub at Police Headquarters? The es-Caped Crusaders? It's a cold fact all right."
Robin: "Holy escape hatch."
Batman: "Yes, Robin, most refrigeration systems as large as this one in the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena  have emergency exits."
Batman then decides to call her Emma Strunk. "Glacia Glaze is far too charming a pseudonym for one of her chilling corruption."
Robin: "To the Batcave?"
Batman: "And up the Batpoles. Even crime fighters need their sleep, Robin."
Robin: "While those crooks just stay away from us?"
Batman: "Don't worry, Robin, Mr. Freeze will be frozen in his tracks before we're through with him."

Narrator: "But what's this? On the dawn of a new day, not just one iceberg, but a sea of icebergs off  Gotham City Harbor." (:15)
Freeze has used an "ice" magnet to pull as many icebergs as he can to the harbor. RD wonders why he doesn't use that to use anyway instead of waiting for a formula.
Anyway Isaacson has finished with his formula.
Freeze: "How does this work?"
Isaacson: "How does what work?"
Freeze: "How does this formula work?"
Isaacson: "I don't know how it works. I worked out the formula, but I never did work out how it works."

For Freeze this will have to do.
Freeze: "Don't you see the potential? The Kremlin will be a cold water flat in a second. The White House an icebox. We would control everything from cold cream to cold wars, and all the lovely ice in the world will sparkle on your fingers and dangle from your ears."
Glacia: "You mean ice like in diamonds, darling?"
Freeze: "No, Glacia, I mean ice like in icing. That secret formula will be the frosting on the cake and the cake will be the universe."

So he has her try to seduce more information from Isaacson while he cheers her on.

In Gordon's Office he receives a call from Governor Stonefellow and from it relays to O'Hara that the situation they are in is "child's play, a brass farthing". You can tell it is serious because he almost breaks out laughing saying the lines.
Gordon: "The Chief Executive was just beginning an address to Congress. When he looked at his teleprompter what do you think he saw?"
O'Hara: "His speech?"
Gordon: "No. In some diabolical way, perhaps a thermodynamic ice ray beam of some kind, his speech on the teleprompter had become frozen. And in its place was a message from Mr. Freeze."
O'Hara: "Bless me suspender buttons!"
Gordon: "Saying that this city, this state, this country...would be returned to the Ice Age in a matter of moments, unless we capitulated to all his demands at once."
O'Hara: "Well, what about the Coast Guard, the...the Ice Patrol?"
Gordon: "Understaffed, overworked. The solution, as always, rests in hands other than ours, Chief  O'Hara. Oh, Batman, wherefore art thou?"
Cue ringing Batphone.
O'Hara: "Whereforever he are, Commissioner, he heard you."
Gordon: "Hurry, Batman, hurry, time now belongs to Mr. Freeze. It no longer belongs to us."

Narrator: "But so does the Thermodynamic Ice Ray Beam constructed in his icy Noah's Ark under the  direction of Professor Isaacson."
Glacia: "You are a genius to have made this, professor."
Isaacson: "Genius, Miss Glaze, is the talent of a man who is dead."
RD: "That sounds like something you would see incorrectly attributed to Abraham Lincoln."

RD then has to explain Buc-ee's to Vince. (:24)

Freeze uses a "small sample" of the Ice Ray on the city, even hitting the Batcave.
Robin: "Holy chill blades, look at the Batcomputer, Batman."
Batman: "I am, old chum, I am. Frozen to its very marrow."
He calls Gordon to ask Freeze for his demands.
Batman: "In the meantime, is that seal still in the bathtub in Police Headquarters?"
O'Hara: "Yeah, flipping merrily away."
RD: "Shouldn't they have taken the seal to the zoo?"
Batman: "Do you have the Seal Bat Signal I gave you?"
They attach the Pulsator to Asoulda so that they can track its wavelength to the iceberg in the Batcopter. 

Cue the Duo being ADRed as other stunt doubles fly the Batcopter (assuming it's not just previously used footage).
Robin: "Picked up the seal's pulsator yet, Batman?"
Batman: "We're still over land, Robin, and a seal is an aquatic marine mammal."
Robin: "Gosh, yes, Batman, I forgot."

In the Iceberg, Freeze and goons discuss their demands including "complete guarantee of immunity".
Frosty: "I guess we can call them now the Vaporized Vanquishers, eh?"

Up above the Duo have to deploy the Batpontoons to enter their iceberg and contact Gordon on the location.

Unfortunately for Gordon, the Coast Guard does not have an icebreaker. The only thing O'Hara has is his "parker".
Gordon: "That's P-A-R-K-A, Chief O'Hara. It's a hooded Siberian and Alaskan outer garment. (To Bonnie) Bonnie, please call my daughter Barbara at college, ask her to take a later plane. I wanna meet her of course, but I have some cool facts to face before I get to the airport. (To O'Hara) Uh, okay, Nanook, let's go." 

The goons are surprised when Asoulda returns, despite the being a homing seal. Freeze is happy at first...then turns sad knowing it's a trick. Finding the landed Batcopter he orders his goons to activate the ice magnet.
Batman (entering): "I doubt that, Mr. Freeze."
Isaacson: "Salvation!"
He steps outside unimpeded as Freeze wonders how the Duo found him.
Batman: "It was really quite simple, Mr. Freeze, thanks to ingenuity, your homing seal, our Ice Batarangs and our Ice Batropes."
Robin: "And our Reverse Thermal Bat-lozenges."
RD thinks there was a scene or two missing.

Freeze tries to shoot them, forgetting they still have their super-thermalized Bat-skivvies, so they instead have another fight. Five guys pile on Batman, leaving Robin to run and grab the stuffed polar bear (because of course there is one) and throw it at them. 

Freeze tries to do his own unimpeded sneak out, only to be stopped by...the UN-Dynamic Duo? Shocking to be sure. "Don't touch the dials!" he randomly pleads.

Glacia is also arrested.
Batman: "To the world of the rich and renowned, such as millionaire Bruce Wayne, you may be known as Glacia Glaze. But to the world of the crime fighter you're known as Emma Strunk."
RD: "And both those names were terrible."
Glacia: "Batman, if ever you see Mr. Wayne and he asks about me and Mr. Freeze, would you tell him something Rabelais once said?"
Batman: "Rabelais, of course."
Glacia: ""To each his own," as the woman said when she kissed her cow."

Gordon: "I don't know how to begin to express Gotham City's thanks."
Batman: "In this case, Gotham City owes most of its thanks to a certain homing seal. In fact, she deserves more than thanks, she deserves a special reward." (He gives her a fish from his utility belt after shaking it to pretend it's still alive.)
Robin: "Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?"
Batman: "A true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin." 

Finally at Stately Wayne Manor, the household plays on a giant slot car track in the first and only use of the mansion's Game Room. (:40) Somehow this was all the work of Aunt Harriet, with Alfred's help (of doing everything while she watched). Harriet has named her car Glacia Glaze (once a fan, always a fan), Bruce is Emma Strunk (of course), Dick is Asoulda (once a sidekick, always a sidekick), and Alfred is Mr. Freeze ("Mine seems to have run into a bit of trouble, Madam.")

:43 Vince correctly guesses Leslie Parrish (born Marjorie Hellen) was 32 when she played Glacia Emma. She had quite the varied life including being Ms. Color TV to test color accuracy. She would continue to other activities and roles after, including environmental activism. She didn't do much acting, which included The Giant Spider Invasion, the MST3K favorite where the Packers won the Superbowl.
After some thinking Vince found her "attractive" for 7.5 Batpoles. RD is "very gracious" to eventually settle on 5.75. 

Remember when NXT was intentionally bad?

• Special Guest Villain: Mr. Freeze [3] (Eli Wallach)

Episode 99: Holy Go-Betweens!: July 17, 2023

Ice Spy
March 29, 1967
"Mr. Freeze is back in town, and has plans to build an icy weapon that will have the world at his control. With help from Glacia Glaze, the renowned ice skater, he captures Professor Isaacson and tries to extract the secret formula for instant ice from him. Mr. Freeze then sends his trained seal Asoulda to Police Headquarters with a note, demanding Batman deliver a ransom in exchange for the professor. But the frosty villain not only plans to keep the money and the professor, but to terminate the Dynamic Duo in the process."
44 minutes

RD: Maintains Normal Eyebrows. He didn't have time to wear a cap.

As a portent of the show and totally nothing else happening currently, on the original airdate the employees of the three major broadcast networks and part of AFTRA went on strike. It would last for 13 days, ending just in time for the Oscars. 

Narrator: "The luxury liner S.S. Gotham Queen is only hours out of Gotham City. Her passengers are  enjoying a final meal on-board, little knowing it could well be their final meal."

Passenger and ice skater Glacia Glaze asks other passenger Professor Isaacson about his "top secret" formula for instant ice. Already the Bros are in disagreement over her looks.
Isaacson: "I'll be working in an advisory capacity with the Bruce Wayne Foundation."
Glacia: "What a coincidence. I'm opening tonight in an ice revue at the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena."

Suddenly the ship has to full stop to not hit an iceberg right next to the harbor. This is in fact Mr. Freeze's "unique, new hideout below the water line", where he's now played by the irreplaceable Eli Wallach with long reaching twirling eyebrows. He is in fact in contact with Glacia as he orders his goons to take the Professor. 

Immediate jump cut to Bruce on the Batphone. "And then you say the kidnappers disappeared back into the iceberg and somehow the Gotham Queen was released? We'll ride with the wind, Commissioner. To the Batpoles!"

Cut to Gordon's Office the Iceberg where Isaacson already captured. Unfortunately for Freeze he's not written down the formula, only keeping it to memory. "And memory is a strange and intangible thing, you frosty-faced fool!"
Freeze order his goons Frosty and Chilblains to dismantle the Iceberg. "We'll take this perverse professor back to Gotham City and ice him. I have a chilling scheme by which I'll not only gain my ends, but permanently deep-freeze the Dynamic Duo." 
He then pets his homing seal Asoulda. 

NOW cut to Gordon's Office.
O'Hara: "Saints preserve us, who else could it be but that ice-devil incarnate, Mr. Freeze?"
Gordon calls the ship captain's testimony preposterous.
RD: "He lives in Gotham. Is this story that preposterous?"
Gordon gives the ship manifest to the Duo. "To the Batcave!"
O'Hara: "It looked as though we were in for a long cold winter, commissioner. But now, I think we're due for a sudden change in the weather."
Gordon: "Begorrah!"

Freeze's actual lair is under the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena, which visiting Glacia compliments.
Freeze: "Frosty, what does that thermometer read in the Quick Freezer?"
Frosty (creepily): "Two hundred below, boss. Dead on the cold nose."
They're keeping the Professor in there until he talks, which Glacia is excited about for some reason. Vince wonders why they didn't pretend to also kidnap Glacia as part of their cover and also as one way to also get the formula. RD wonders what she sees in Freeze as he again feeds Asoulda. 

The Duo look over the manifest in the Batcave. (:17)
Robin: "All members of a fireplace equipment dealer's tour."
Batman: "Unlikely cohorts of Mr. Freeze."
One of the passengers is listed as "Emma Strunk" which Batman knows was Glacia's original name.
Robin: "Holy ice skates. But what would a talented, beautiful, famous star like Glacia Glaze see in  frostbitten Freeze?"
Batman: "The famous Rabelais has already answered that for you, Robin, with his great wit. "To each his own," as the woman said when she kissed her cow."
Robin: "Gosh, Batman, that's sure great wit, all right."
Bruce will go later to Glacia's ice revue with...Aunt Harriet. Since she is a convenient "devotee" of hers this will allow them backstage. You know, at the arena with his name on it which would allow him to go anywhere with anyone.
Robin: "While Dick Grayson, I suppose, stays home and works on his essay on glaciers?"
Batman: "Right again, Robin."

Back at the Office, Gordon complains to Bonnie about the sudden presence of a seal in the room. Has he tried giving it a kiss from a rose? Of course it is Asoulda (on his chair) with a ransom note in his flipper to be paid directly from the Duo. It also demands that "millionaire Bruce Wayne, head of the Wayne Foundation" is to make a televised broadcast from the Office at midnight. Gordon calls Batman while O'Hara calls Bruce. 

Cue the visual of Bruce with a phone in each hand. Of course the Undynamic Duo are still on the other ends none the wiser.
Bruce: "Batman?"
Batman: "Yes, Mr. Wayne. Have you heard Mr. Freeze's scurrilous demands?"
Bruce "Just briefly."
Batman: "If Robin and I act as go-betweens are you prepared to make the telecast at midnight and pay the ransom, Mr. Wayne?"
Bruce: "I... have no choice, Batman."
Batman: "Then may I suggest you tape the broadcast from the Commissioners office an hour earlier. And we will have a dummy package of money."
Bruce: "A dummy package of money? That sounds risky."
Batman: "Risk is our business, Mr. Wayne!"
Bruce: "Of course, Batman, I have the same faith in you that all of Gotham City has."
Batman: "I hope Robin and I are deserving of that faith. I'll make the necessary arrangement and meet you at the Commissioner's office at 11."
Bruce: "Fine."
Batman: "Did you get all that, Commissioner?"
Gordon (as O'Hara hangs up): "Indeed I did, Batman. We'll set up the taped telecast and have the dummy package of money waiting. See you at 11 tonight. (He hangs up. To the camera) Two fine men, so dissimilar in many respects, and yet...yet so similar in others."

Narrator: "And presently backstage at the Ice Arena, in the dressing room of Glacia Glaze, nee Emma Strunk..." (:24)
Glacia wears a 12 foot long feathered hat as Freeze talks through her hidden communicator (a makeup mirror). He hopes for the Duo paying so that "everything's in the ice bag." She quickly closes it as Bruce and Aunt Harriet enter.
Bruce: "Your whole day sounded chaotic, Ms. Glaze. Weren't you on the Gotham Queen?"
Glacia: "A ghastly experience, Mr. Wayne. I'd rather not talk about it."
Bruce: "Of course."
Harriet: "But how lovely you look." (Emphasis mine.)
She mistakes the communicating mirror for a "darling compact" despite Freeze's confused voice coming from it and Glacia's covering for it as a Swiss music box. This of course appeases Harriet and puzzles Bruce.

In the lair the goons retrieve Isaacson from storage.
Freeze: "He should be stone cold by now. (He is in fact not or even Steve Austin) You're not even chilly!"
Isaacson: "I'm an Icelander, you frostbitten baboon! A slight drop in temperature makes little difference to me!"

Harriet goes to her box seat as Bruce leaves to take a call, leaving her to watch the show spellbound.
Dick is on the other end, both using Anti-eavesdrop Batplugs, and he is next to police HQ with a Remote Batmobile Control Phase Advancer. (:31) Bruce orders him to remote control the Batmobile nearby, place some spare Batclothes out of a nearby locker, and meet him at 10:55.

Bruce: "Alfred will take care of Aunt Harriet."

This is the only episode in the entire series that Alfred does not appear in. 

Inside in Gordon's Office, Bruce records the message to Freeze that the Duo can make the ransom delivery.
Gordon: "You sounded like an old pro, Mr. Wayne."
Bruce: "An old pro, at paying a large ransom to that contemptible kidnapper?"
Gordon: "It's only dummy money, Mr. Wayne, as Batman suggested."
Bruce (suddenly annoyed): "Yes, I wonder why. I also wonder where he is. I've done my job and he told me himself he would be here."
Gordon: "Well, he will, Mr. Wayne. No doubt about it. Probably delayed in traffic. You can always depend on the Caped Crusaders."

Bruce walks out. Five seconds later the Duo walk in.
Batman (suddenly annoyed): "Where's Mr. Wayne?"
Gordon: "He just left. Didn't you bump into him in the hall?"
Batman decides to get out via Batrope to the nearby parked Batmobile.
Batman: "Commissioner, when you called earlier, you mentioned something about the ransom note being delivered by a seal."
Gordon: "Right. He flipped right in here."
Batman: "Where is the seal?"
Gordon: "In a bathtub down the hall. Why, Batman?" (Emphasis mine.)
Batman: "Take this. It's a small echoing seal pulsator. It may come in handy later."

As the Duo reverse Batclimb a concerned citizen "here from London for a manufacturers convention" wonders about this strange custom.
Robin: "Aren't you a king or something?"
Batman: "Robin, England has no king now. England has a Queen and a great lady she is too."
Citizen: "I am sometimes called the King, Carpet King, that is."
Robin: "Holy floor covering."
Citizen: "We have second story men in England, but this is ridiculous."

In one of the strangest cameos on any show (not just a window celebrity), Cyril Lord was known not for being an actor, but for selling carpets...in the UK. The story is that as part of a deal with one of the producers he was to be given a cameo appearance.

This would also be the show's last ever Window Celebrity. So take it for what it's worth. (A carpet or two.)

In the lair the Professor has been injected with...dry ice. I wonder if Icelanders are also able to survive dry ice injected directly into their veins. Unless they actually could and this guy couldn't since he doesn't have an accent. (:38)
Glacia arrives as Freeze lets his TV "warm up" to hear Bruce's message: "Batman and Robin will make the delivery when, where, how and if you so advise us."
Batman (entering): "Right now!"

He hands Freeze the money, which he immediately sees is fake due to only one side being printed. He tries shooting his Freeze Gun, but the Duo have their "super-thermalized Bat-skivvies" to protect them. So instead they fight. This ends with the Duo being thrown into the Quick Freezer. Freeze flips a switch, then has to tap on it a few times to get it working.

"Now Glacia, all I have to do is turn on the sub-zero temperature gauge. And when they've cooled down a little, I will activate the vaporizing pipe pump and evaporate the caped double-crossers directly under the ice of the Bruce Wayne Ice Arena. Imagine, Glacia, being able to do your famous waltzing arabesques directly on Batman and Robin. Behold, they are beginning to frost up already!"

Narrator: " What fiendish freezing isometric exercise is this? Is it the isolated end of the Dynamic Duo? Have they concluded their refrigerated cycle? To be vaporized and become part of Bruce Wayne's Ice Rink? Stay frozen to your furniture! Tomorrow! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat-Channel!"

And this is also the last time we will have ever such a narrated cliffhanger as this. So take it for what it's worth. (Same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel.)

 

• Special Guest Villain: Mr. Freeze [3] (Eli Wallach)

 

• Window Celebrity: 1. Cyril "Carpet King" Lord
   

Episode 98: Holy Pounding!: July 10, 2023

Flop Goes the Joker
March 23, 1967
"After thoroughly bamboozling his young patron, the Joker makes his move against the Gotham City Museum for a grand extortion scheme."
61 minutes

RD is Also Magnanimous. I concur based on my personal dealings with him. Vince considers him a brother. I consider him a friend.

Burt Ward is 78 years young today. So too is Sylvester Stallone at 77.

RD: "Can he still be classified as the Boy Wonder?"
Vince: "At heart."

Narrator: "When we last saw Robin, the artful Joker had hung him on a gigantic 'Batmobile' along with dozens of giant palette knives about to slice him to slivers, with Bruce Wayne securely tied to a nearby chair in the monstrous mobile room of Joker's studio. In one moment, we'll find out whether Robin's saved...or shaved."

Bruce manages to get his chair on the mobile as he tries to find the governor, i.e. the speed limiter rather than yet another useless person of authority (the Batgirl of the Undynamic Duo if you will). He manages to stop it, allowing Robin to get free of his bonds, take one of the mobile's (rubber) blades, and cut Bruce's bonds.
Robin: "That was close. Not much room for error."
Bruce: "From now on, all the errors are on Joker. I think we'll prepare a little surprise for him, Robin."

Meanwhile elsewhere in the Institute lair Joker takes a moment to laugh.
Baby Jane (calmed down for the time being): "Joker, you could at least untie us. My hands are getting stiff."
Joker: "Oh, but of course, my dear. The Joker is nothing if not magnanimous. Ha ha ha!"
Mrs. Putney (another captive): "How about me?"
Joker: "Well my generosity does not extended to overweight matrons, madam."
Baby Jane: "Joker, that's not very nice."
Joker: "Well, we artists are not required to be nice. Only talented."

He goes to check the mobile's activator, which has two settings between off and hamburger. He sees on a monitor what he thinks is blood but it's actually red paint.
Robin: "My beautiful red blood is still inside me, no thanks to you."
The Duo delay a fight by throwing swords at the goons to pin them. Joker immediately asks Baby Jane for help.
Baby Jane: "After you tied me up and tried to steal my art collection?"
Joker: "But I couldn't help myself, my dear. I'm an artist. I have a desire for things of beauty.  Beauty's irresistible to me. Oh, that's why I'm so attracted to you, my dear. I swear it, on a stack of Blue Boys."

Vince has to deal with confused people conflating Dave Meltzer rating wrestling matches with Vince rating Batpole women. (:12) RD reminds him not to be swayed by ratings, opinions, and critiques.

The goons free themselves so we can finally get a quick fight. (:21)
Bruce: "I had to let him knock me around a little bit. We don't want these crooks to make any connection between Bruce Wayne and Batman."
Robin: "But it's sure a tough way to throw them off the track."
Bruce (holding his jaw): "Fortunately, I'm in good condition. But we still have to round up the leader of these artistic failures."

Baby Jane: "Your paintings were impressive, Joker. Certainly not the work of an ordinary mind."
This is enough to have her help him for the time being as the Duo burst in.
Joker: "Aaah! Stay away from me! That juvenile delinquent has no appreciation for fine art!"
Baby Jane: "He's just a misguided artist, Robin."
Robin: "And we're going to re-guide him, straight to the Gotham State Penitentiary."
However according to her, technically he has not yet stolen anything and she refuses to press charges. And since the other prisoners don't have as much prestige as her she speaks for all of them (and the "overweight matron" Mrs. Putney). Bruce, who is "reasonably secure socially," nevertheless defers to her judgement. RD considers Bruce's idiocy as Baby Jane and her "big hunk of genius" leave.
Joker: "Tata Boy Bungler, and tell your chicken-hearted partner that if I catch him on the street, I'll run him out of town. Ha ha ha!"
As they untie the prisoners Robin asks Bruce for his reasoning (giving Joker delusions of evading being caught). RD wonders when Batman will make an appearance in his own show.

Narrator: "Presently in the Handsome Mansion of Baby Jane's filthy rich father..."
Joker eats rotisserie chicken for strength while still wearing his gloves. "I could exist on two grapes and a thimble of water. But my muse, my muse is starving."
Baby Jane: "MORE CHICKEN FOR THE JOKER'S MUSE!"
Suddenly getting inspiration from his "muse", his goons knock off everything on the table (including the chicken). The butler then has to watch Joker throw paint everywhere on the table.
Joker: "Look at it this way. You're not losing a table, you're gaining a masterpiece."

Halfway through the progrem recording Batman finally shows up in his own Batcave. How nice of him. (:31) At least Alfred Will Do managed to remove the paint on the costume, and Batman is so happy he touches it very oddly.
Robin: "How can you predict what a kook like that will do?"
Batman: "The criminal mind, erratic as it is, nevertheless has certain characteristic patterns. For  instance, Joker has begun an artistic caper. I suspect he'll continue it."
Robin: "And he can count on Baby Jane Towser's help."
Batman: "Yes, I'm afraid he's completely bamboozled that poor girl and I'm sure he'll try to use her. The question is, how?"

Joker is doing so at the Handsome Mansion by appealing to Baby Jane's future grandchildren. He plans to put his works in place of the "old relics" in the Gotham City Museum.
Joker: "I happen to know that your filthy rich daddy has a special founder's key to the Towser Wing of the museum."
Baby Jane: "Yes, he does, but - "
Joker: "Do you want your genius, me, to find another inspiration?"
Baby Jane: "OH NO JOKER, I MUST ALWAYS BE YOUR INSPIRATION!"

Gordon calls on the Batphone, worried on Joker's radio silence.
O'Hara: "That larcenous phony has something under his hat besides his head."
Batman: "Robin and I would like to handle this ourselves. (Emphasis mine) Especially since Joker has been spreading ugly rumors about me."
Gordon: "Whatever you think best, but no one could believe for a second that you're afraid of that cackling cutpurse."

That night (at the museum), Baby Jane stands in awe as Joker has his "artwork" in place of the previous works, which his goons take away without even checking underneath their coverings. He says he will "burn" them (by stealing them for himself). 

Immediate cut to the lair, where Joker has all the (still covered) paintings while Baby Jane is suddenly tied up. Or as wrote RD: "BJ gagged."
Joker: "Friendship ends when real felony finally takes over."

He calls Gordon's Office...where the Undynamic Duo are asleep.
Joker: "Working nights, Commissioner?"
He asks for $10 million for the paintings within the hour or he will burn the lot.
Batman is also there sneakily behind Joker with his own phone (including an improvised bit where he sees a statue of Joker's head and turns it around).

Joker: "Batman? Ha! That Cowardly Creep? He's so scared of me he doesn't dare come out of his Batcave. ... Oh, you better stay inside, Batboob, because if I catch you outside, I'm going to pin your pointed ears back, do you hear?"

After admitting to his theft he suddenly stops, dramatically pulling back a picture's covering to find that he's actually stolen the works of one Alfred Will Do.
Joker: "You Caped Clotpoll! You switched paintings on me! These are nothing but kindergarten drawings!"
Batman: "Naturally. And even a kindergarten mind could have anticipated your every move. This caper was even more obvious than most."
Joker: "You can say that over the phone, Batman, but if I had you here, I'd pound you to a pulp." 

Batman takes a moment to put his phone down.

Batman: "Start pounding, Joker."

That line was so great, it almost forgives Robin already being replaced by his stunt double at the start of the fight.
Joker also didn't hang up, so the Undynamic Duo hear the fight over the phone. During it Batman breaks a vase over a goon, then puts the flowers on the body. Immediately after Robin does the "look over there!" trick to distract and punch a goon on the nose. 

Joker, sensing he needs to run away, decides out of the blue to first flee to Stately Wayne Manor to see if he can rob its safe.
For some reason he takes Baby Jane with him, and Alfred Will Do answers them at the door.
Alfred: "My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery."
Joker pulls a gun on Baby Jane to have him take them to the living room where Aunt Harriet is knitting. But instead of finding a safe, he finds a sword pointed at him...by Alfred.

Harriet: "Alfred, be careful. The Joker's an archcriminal."
Alfred: "I know, madam, but a very poor fencer."
Joker: "You Anglo-fink, I'll smash you to smidgens!"
Alfred: "May I point out that smidgens is a childish effusion which should have no place even in so poor a vocabulary as yours, sir."

Alfred wins (so we can confirm he fights better than he paints) but Joker still tries to run away again. (:47) He runs into the study, hitting the Shakespeare head to reveal the button to reveal the Batpoles. But since they're still being repainted they don't have labels, so Joker just thinks it's a regular emergency exit rather than a secret entrance to the Batcave. He goes down one, but Alfred hits the Emergency Batpole Elevator to launch him all the way back up and crash his head on the top.
Joker: "Someone get me off this crazy dumbwaiter! I can't breathe!"
Batman (arriving on the scene): "Joker says he can't breathe, Alfred. Why don't you give him some breathing space?"
Alfred: "With pleasure, sir."
And so Joker starts bouncing up and down.
Robin: "It's lucky you didn't get around to washing our other costumes, or Joker might have found himself wearing a Bat-costume."
RD found the whole sequence "absolutely beautiful."

Baby Jane is still in the living room, where Harriet consoles her for trusting in Joker.
Baby Jane: "I blame myself. It'll be a long time before anyone catches me in another art gallery."
Batman: "It'll be an even longer time for Joker. Right now, Joker's having his ups and downs."
Joker: "Alfred, old pal, have pity!"
Alfred: "We Anglo-finks have a long memory. I really shouldn't take pleasure in another creature's misfortunes, but, occasionally one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction."

Back at Bernie Park's Artistic Procurers, Alfred Will Do donates his paintings for the Wayne Foundation Free Nursery School, whatever that means.
Bernie (seeing Gordon): "Excuse me, I think I see a customer ripe for plucking. I mean, interested in buying."
Gordon: "Well, Alfred, it's not everyone who can have his very first efforts displayed at Park's."
Alfred: "Thank you, sir. The Joker and his paintings are in prison, and Alfred and his paintings are at Park's. A rather nice turn of events."
O'Hara is politely interested in buying one but can't afford it, so Alfred just hands a Will Do original to him "as a token of my esteem."
O'Hara (despondent): "Mother McCree."

For having what he considers a (non-Francine) "horse face", Vince gives Baby Jane -1 Batpoles (presumably going the other way up as just demonstrated by Joker). RD won't forget Joker's female accomplice not named Harley Quinn that woodenly screamed almost every line, including demanding more chicken for Joker's muse, and thus gives her a 9. Of course Vince is very much against this drastic difference.
This was probably the career highlight of (age unknown) Diana Ivarson, who had less acting roles and even fewer shouting opportunities. Supposedly she has a Twitter account. Good luck using that these days. Perhaps she's on this new Threads thing? (Assuming she is even still with us and not sick.)

The Arcade is getting a bubble hockey machine from a nearby casino.

"WrestlingCrap" has a WrestleMania match. Vince never had a problem working with Stacy Carter. He thought of Terri Runnels as high maintenance, and this was before she was caught running a house scam.

A different non-wild Mr. Freeze will be the last villain of Season 2.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [8] (Cesar Romero) [8]

 

• Entertain The People: 1 
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Unforgettable

Episode 97: Holy Internet Connection!: July 3, 2023

Pop Goes the Joker
March 22, 1967
"When the Joker takes advantage of his vandalism of fine art being appreciated as pop art itself, Batman must discover his true scheme."
64 minutes

RD IS AFRAID OF MONKEY. He is also afraid of Vince's main lights being off due to the heat: "it's scary that I look more professional than you do."

Narrator: "A picturesque day in Gotham City! Even more picturesque than usual! And in one of the many picturesque art galleries where culture-loving Gothamites gather..."

Alfred is at Bernie Park's Artistic Procurers looking for something for his "millionaire Bruce Wayne", particularly an original "Muzzy". I thought he was an alien come to teach English. The shopkeeper offers to introduce the actual artist (and increase his asking price from $5000 to $7500).

Just as "Alfred Will Do" meets (Oliver) Muzzy...he has to run out the back door as the Joker enters the front. He starts spray painting the artwork in a future echo of what he would also do in Burton's Batman. RD wants to watch it for their progrem.

Unfortunately as the Bros remind, Alfred Will Do doesn't have his own utility belt, so he has to call Stately Wayne Manor from a payphone. Thankfully braless Aunt Harriet promptly answers.
Harriet: "Oh, Bruce, Alfred just called from the Park gallery. He's found a painting he thinks you'll be very interested in. It's called "The Laughing Man.""
Bruce: "That's Alfred's way of telling us that one of Gotham City's arch villains is at Park Gallery right  now."
Dick: "Holy tip-off, Joker!"
Bruce: "Exactly, and I think you better continue your art education at the Park Gallery as Robin. To The Bat-poles!"
Personally for a code name I would have gone with The Man Who Laughs, as Conrad Veidt's appearance is a well known influence to the Joker's look (and that in turn of an alternate Batman). 

Also the Batpoles don't have their names signed on them since Alfred had taken them for re-painting. RD immediately gleamed from this how the story would end. Vince wished they mixed up their positions. RD wished they wore their opposite outfits because of this.

For a change they go to Not Gordon's Office, i.e. the art gallery. Joker is still there. This immediately leads to a quick and easy fight. (:13) Joker tries to spray paint Batman and gets punched for his trouble.
Joker: "Ugh. Internal injuries. I'm going to die."
Bernie: "I hope you do, you finagling fiend! Batman, did you see what he did to the pictures? Priceless works of art destroyed forever. Think of the loss to posterity and the loss to my profits."
Batman: "Yes, the damage is irreparable. But at least you can be sure the Joker won't be doing any more decorating for a long time."

Then Vince's connection hits technical difficulties. (:16) RD has to carry the stream for a bit until he can figure things out, having experience with this sort of thing. He uses the time to recommend AEW Fight Forever.

RD: "Always keep in mind kids that when in doubt, blame Russo."

To the surprise of the others (in the gallery), Muzzy loves Joker's contributions to the art. He pops his mouth while doing so, a trademark of his actor Fritz Feld. Vince recognized this from his stint on The Odd Couple.

Joker: "Well, excuse my appearance Mr. Muzzy, but yes, these uncultured boobs have no appreciation for fine art."

Vince wants to call people boobs again.  

Joker offers Muzzy a 50/50 "split, I mean co-authorship" for their newly interpreted paintings.
Joker (to Batman): "Peasant! Philistine! Ha ha ha! Well, what can you expect from a man who appears in public in such a ridiculous outfit? (He paints a J on the Batlogo) There, Batman, now you're wearing
an original Joker, signed by the artist! Ha ha ha! Come, boys. Let's leave this zoo full of bourgeois baboons. And henceforth, Batman, stay out of art galleries, hmm? Ha ha ha!"
Robin: "Are we just going to let him walk out of here?"
Batman: "We have no choice, Robin. He's committed no crime. As a matter of fact, he's increased the  value of these paintings. I think we should discuss this with Commissioner Gordon."

RD: "So...what was Joker's original plan? Because he got caught by Batman at the beginning of this. Had Muzzy not decided that "hey, this looks a lot better", Joker would be in jail. This would be the shortest episode ever!" (:26)

Finally at the Office, O'Hara is annoyed by "the nerve of that clown" by painting on the costume, which has somehow changed appearance between scenes.
Batman: "What concerns us is his potential damage to Gotham City. I'm sure Joker has some larger
scheme of which this only the first step."
O'Hara: "You're right, Batman. That crook has something up his sleeve besides his elbow."
Batman suggests more guarding of museums and private collections while he returns to the Batcave to figure out what to do next. 

Vince's internet continues to act up but at least he's still audible.

At the Batcave Alfred Will Do tries to scrub the paint away from the costume that Batman is still wearing while apologizing about the repainted Batpoles. Gordon calls to tell them Joker has been invited to the "Gotham City International Art Contest" and wants to send 50 plainclothes. Yet again Batman declines, knowing how well that will turn out. Instead he asks for just one.
Batrman: "Preferably a man who knows Baby Jane Towser, the wealthy young socialite who organized  the contest.
Gordon: "I've got it. Bruce Wayne, the millionaire philanthropist. He's cooperated with us many times in the past and travels in the same social circles as Towser."
Towser is a reference to Baby Jane Holzer, similarly a young socialite who was associated with Warhol around that time.

We see Towser at the Contest, who RD considers attractive but "with a very grading voice" that she constantly shouted with. Vince finds more of an issue with her face than her exaggerated performance. 

Also competing are "Pablo Pincus" (who for some reason wears a sombrero), "Jackson Potluck" (a hippie with a wheelbarrow of paint), "Leonardy Devinsky" ("painter of the world famous fresco Midnight Snack" with an organ grinder monkey on his shoulder), and "Vincent Van Gauche" (with both ears). Compared to them the Joker gets applause.
Dick: "How can they clap for that crook?"
Bruce: "Don't forget, Dick, this is a hometown crowd and Joker is from Gotham City."

The contestants have three minutes to paint, and Towser shoots an actual handgun indoors as a starting pistol. Potluck dips his whole body in the paint and rolls around on the canvas. Devinsky's monkey throws tomatoes. Van Gauche uses his feet which the audience laughs at. Joker...doesn't even touch his brush to the paper.

Bruce: "Modern art tends to be rather unrestrained, Dick."

As the judges evaluate the works, the monkey gives the angriest look for some reason.
Judge: "I kind of like what the monkey did."
Joker: "My painting is titled Death of a Mauve Bat."
Baby Jane: "WHERE IS THE BAT?"
Joker: "Well the bat, gentlemen, is dead. It died in 1936, a very bad year for bats."
Other Judge: "Of course the bat is dead."
Joker: "It's symbolic."
Other Other Judge: "Symbolic of what?"
Baby Jane: "THE EMPTINESS OF MODERN LIFE. WHAT ELSE?"

Of course Joker is declared winner, much to the increased anger of the monkey. 
Joker: "As winner of the grand prize I would like to announce the opening of a new school for aspiring  artists where I personally will instruct my students in the secrets of modern art. Yes, applications for the  Joker Art Institute are now being accepted by my assistants. Sorry, millionaires only, please."
Baby Jane volunteers for the "BIG HUNK OF GENIUS" as a heiress to a paperclip fortune. Bruce, seeing what he thinks Joker's plan is, decides to also enroll.
Bruce: "Aren't you going to give me a test to see whether I have talent?"
Joker: "Oh, the rich, the well-born and the able, Mr. Wayne, all have talent. Especially the rich."

Vince: "So this has to go, like you said, all the way back to him ruining those pieces of art to eventually open up his own art school to enroll millionaires only?"
RD: "Yes. And the only way this would've worked is if Muzzy would've decided that this is a great idea. That's why I said: if Muzzy is not in on this, I don't know how."

Robin and Alfred already are tracking Bruce back at the Batcave, leading to the ever hidden lair of...the Joker Art Institute, already open for business. (:42) Joker has his students (all women, except for Bruce), paint a still life of (plastic) fruit.
RD: "Why was this ever a thing?"

Of course Joker takes his chance to critique his students drawing with such artistic mediums as bent metal rods, red putty, barbed wire, and a blow torch (labelled by Baby Jane). Bruce easily (of course) sculptures an actual looking bowl out of modelling clay.
Joker: "Well, that's terrible. Terrible, Wayne. Why, even a 3-year-old could do better than that. Here, let me show you. (He turns the bowl upside down) There. That's more like it."
Bruce: "Yes, I see what you mean. That's about the level of a 3-year-old."
Joker: "I do the jokes around here, Wayne."
Bruce: "I'd say that was one of your better ones."
Unable to think up any better jest in response, Joker instead goes straight to having his remaining goons take everyone hostage in exchange for their art collections. 

Gordon immediately calls on the Batphone to share this new development. Robin gets going, again telling the Commissioner not to send any of his men. "If the police show up, innocent people might be hurt." And that's just from the officers!
Robin (to Alfred Will Do): "You stay here and watch the Bat-radarscope in case Joker moves while I'm en route. I'll take the emergency Bat-tunnel. It comes out on Highway One and I can catch a bus to Gotham City."

Joker hopes Bruce doesn't deliver on his art so he can just kill him. Rather than just do so right now?
Bruce: "I hope you're better at that than at painting."
Before he does so Robin enters for another fight, this time with Bruce. Well actually it's Bruce's 50 year old stunt double assisting against Joker's yellow haired stunt double. (:52) Robin doesn't have his own bad looking stunt double as he falls into and gets stuck in red putty. His mask almost comes off as he raises his head. Bruce is also quickly subdued and tied up. 

Goon: "Why ain't Batman here, Joker?"
Joker: "Because he's afraid of me, you dolt! Yes, I knew the day would come when his spine would turn to Batjelly. I'm only sorry he isn't here to enjoy a special surprise I cooked up for him. But Bruce Wayne will do as a substitute. I'm beginning to dislike him as much as Batman."

Joker's trap is a "very mobile" Mobile, though sadly not Bat or Joker. "As soon as I leave here, I will activate a motor that will start it rotating. Let's see how long you can dodge these razor sharp palette knives, Boy Bumpkin!"
Robin: "Holy hamburger, I'll be cut to pieces by these blades!"

Narrator: "Robin diced to dribbles?  Batman certainly can't help him. Will the Joker go free to master the art of crime? And make a crime of art? Find out tomorrow! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!"

Big Bossman had a mother.

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [8] (Cesar Romero) [8]