Batgirl
1967 but unaired - no, not that almost finished movie
"At the Gotham City library, Barbara Gordon helps Bruce Wayne find a book
on butterflies so he can prove a point to a friend, a millionaire
explorer. As Bruce and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, are leaving they
spot the villainous Killer Moth and three of his henchmen and,
suspecting they are up to no good, determine to return as their
superhero alter-egos, Batman and Robin. While the Caped Crusaders are
donning their costumes, the criminal quartet knock out the millionaire,
lock Barbara in an alcove and prepare to spirit their victim away. When
the Dynamic Duo attempt to capture the crooks, they are encased in
Killer Moth's silk cocoon. Is this the end of our Gotham City heroes?
And why does a beautiful librarian have a cowl and a cape hanging in a
convenient closet?"
Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin
September 14, 1967
"The Penguin plans to gain immunity from the law by becoming the police
commissioner's son-in-law. He kidnaps Commissioner Gordon's daughter,
Barbara, and threatens her into agreeing to marry him. Unknown to him,
Barbara Gordon has a secret crime fighting identity, Batgirl. Alfred
learns of her secret when he is brought to Penguin's hideout instead of a
preacher, and Batman and Robin realize just how valuable their new ally
is when they find themselves hopelessly strung up in Penguin's lair."
59 minutes
RD: Russo's Witless Ward. He wonders why Vince keeps talking about wrestling if he hates it.
Vince wonders on the TV short's existence if it is quite bad. RD thought it was just for internal use, especially as it is less than 10 minutes long. He only could be able to see it because someone sent him a copy. Assuming he didn't find it online anyway.
Narrator: "Gotham City, like any other large metropolis, abounds in girls of all shapes and sizes: debutantes, nurses, stenographers, and librarians. Like this librarian in the Gotham City Library as the closing hours near, finishing a service for a very distinguished customer: millionaire Bruce Wayne."
Yvonne Craig in short bun hair and a bright yellow dress, gives a "completely" out of print book to Bruce.
Bruce: "You're new here, aren't you?"
Barbara: "Yes, I just started working here recently, but it isn't like we're complete strangers, Mr. Wayne. I'm Commissioner Gordon's daughter."
Bruce: "Hmmm, Commissioner Gordon has been keeping you under wraps for far too long."
Barbara: "Isn't that your youthful ward, Dick Grayson, talking to the gentleman at the table?"
Bruce: "Yes, and he's sitting next to my millionaire friend Roger Montrose."
Vince thinks he mentions people being millionaires to impress and attract women.
Vince didn't find anything to write on, for some reason. He asks RD to spell 'copious'.
RD: "I thought you wrote a book. Did you always misspell everything?"
Bruce walks off, under the eye of another older librarian marm, another word to confuse Vince.
"Oh boy that millionaire Bruce Wayne, so handsome and so rich!"
Barbara: "And he's a bachelor."
Away from the women and the men are other people wearing antennas over black beanies. (:09) They plan to kidnap the millionaire - then kill him for some reason. And they can't kill Bruce either for some reason due to his friendship with Batman.
Dick (to Bruce): "Those four men over there, they look like Killer Moth's men."
Moth was an actual villain in the comics, and even the first to be defeated by Batgirl. So of course he won't ever be seen in the third season. He doesn't even get a name (Drury Walker) for 30 years!
Bruce and Dick leave the set to change to their outfits as Gordon calls Barbara: "you stood me up for dinner." Barbara asks for tomorrow. "It's a date." She then blows a kiss over the phone to her "handsome" father. This rather unsettled the Bros.
The goons strike just as the library closes, grabbing Montrose, and putting Barbara in an locked office so she can fix her hair.
Narrator: "Strange... she seems very cool about being locked in. And who's locking
whom? And what is this? Her own secret panel, leading to her own secret
closet?"
Moth himself shows up to lead his men, as indicated by his ridiculously cheap looking cape and rabbit ear antennas. The Duo break in with the Bat-lock Breaker Ray.
Robin: "Not long ago they were caterpillars."
Cue a fight.
Moth: "From caterpillars come cocoons, Boy Wonder!"
He shoots with his Moth Spray Gun, incapacitating the Duo in a paper-mache coccon.
Meanwhile Barbara unbuttons her shirt ala Clark Kent to reveal the Batgirl outfit underneath, and takes off her skirt to become her cape.
Narrator: "Holy transformation! One minute playing Barbara Gordon, librarian and commissioner's daugther. The next - something new has been added. BATGIRL! Modeled after her idol Batman, ready for this crucial moment and off to make her first foray in her own beautiful beguiling way through her secret exit!"
Meanwhile Moth stands around creepily as Batman calls him an "insidious insect!"
Narrator: "Our disguised and now titian haired beauty makes a smashing entrance!" (Through a window.)
Robin: "Holy apparition!"
Batgirl: "No, Boy Wonder. I'm Batgirl! You're no longer alone, Caped Crusaders!"
She then spins to win and throws the goons around with a globe (but no punches!) to the confusion of Robin and the sudden salivation of Batman. She then watches as the bookshelves and furniture all collapse without her doing anything to try and help. RD wonders if she needed the overtime pay to help clean it up. She then gets her "Electronic Batgirl Compact with Laser Beam" that can "destroy anything" to get the Duo out of their binds. Then it's back to spinning on a desk for some more fighting. After the three agree not to ask about their real identities she leaves the scene, allowing the Duo to handle things from there.
Batman (to the camera): "I suspect we will see her again. A new member of our team or a crime fighting rival?"
Narrator: "Or just plain Barbara Gordon, masquerading for a lark as she rides into the night on her Special Batgirl Cycle? Who knows? Is the Dynamic Duo destined to become the Triumphant Trio? Only time will tell us more about this dazzling daredoll Batgirl!"
RD hopes they don't keep calling it the Special Batgirl Cycle. Not without some sort of birth control on hand anyway.
...
And now the actual show only airs once a week, a half an hour on Thursdays (and on the same premiering day as Raymond Burr's Ironside). (:20)
Narrator: "Every day in Gotham City brings new surprises, but this day is going to top them all. Although it begins none too differently, just wait. Just wait!"
In the Batcave the Dynamic Duo celebrate stopping Catwoman once again, and later they are going to go to the Opera with the Undynamic Duo. RD: "That sounds horrible."
Robin: "Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know?"
Batman: "I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives. Besides, Commissioner Gordon is bringing his daughter, Barbara, along as my date. So tonight is Dick Grayson's night for musical appreciation and the social amenities." (Emphasis mine.)
Narrator: "While at the Gotham City Library, where one of the newer librarians is leaving for her night of culture and social graces..."
Before newer librarian Barbara Gordon can leave, old man Gordon gives her a call to confirm that she is coming.
Barbara: "Besides, I'm looking forward to seeing our host, millionaire Bruce Wayne."
Gordon: "Well, he's gonna get quite a surprise tonight. He hasn't seen you since you went away to college four years ago. And you're twice as pretty now as you were then."
RD: "Is Gordon pimping out his daughter so he can be in the Rich Kids Club?"
Vince: "I think he wouldn't mind the idea of his daughter marrying a millionaire."
Being a new librarian and the daughter of a public serving official, of course Barbara's "midtown apartment house" is a very large multi-room affair. This doesn't even include the Penguin popping in from the roof. "Welcome to the cage, my wild dove! Waugh waugh waugh! What a tasty little squab she is too. Trust Penguin to have a surefire recipe for pigeon pie. Waugh waugh waugh!"
Cue intro, now with Batgirl fighting and riding her (non menopausal) Batcycle.
The Bros recognize the show is much faster and colorful than before. Even the music is quicker.
The Undynamic Duo come to the now empty apartment. (:27) Of course Gordon knows where the secret key is to enter, but there is no sign of her to his confusion.
Narrator: "You'd be very surprised to find out commissioner, for your daughter is only 20 feet away from you in the very next apartment!"
As Penguin gloats on their secrecy his goons see Bruce and "that witless ward of his" are also in the original apartment. So he calls in so Gordon can answer.
Penguin: "You didn't happen to be missing anything lately, did you?"
Gordon: "You've got Barbara, you feathered fiend!"
"Millionaire joyboy" offers to pay any ransom, but Penguin just wants to "make her the happiest girl in Gotham City". He points them to the Gotham City Times' society page, announcing a marriage of a "well-known entrepreneur and man-about-town" to Barbara. The logic is somehow by becoming Gordon's son-in-law Pengy can gain police immunity, which is of course how such a thing works. (Instead of his now being under increased suspicion due to his proximity, which would provoke investigation by a district attorney who may or may not be Harvey Dent.) Gordon responds with such a dramatic flop RD almost thought he died.
Gordon: "There is only one man who can help me."
O'Hara (thinking hard): "Batman?"
Bruce and ward decide to return to Stately Wayne Manor.
Penguin continues to gloat as Vince notices in his high definition how much his nose's tone and fakeness doesn't match the rest of the makeup at all. If Barbara doesn't go through with the wedding, he will go with Plan B, which consists of shooting a standup of Gordon. So she says yes. For some reason nobody in the adjacent apartment hears the gunshots.
Penguin: "That's what I like to hear. Obedience. That is the first wifely virtue." He orders some goons to find any minister to officiate while she wears his wedding gown. "I wanna get this thing over with before the Dynamic Dunderheads put the snatch on me."
Smash cut to the Batcave, where Gordon calls the Duo as they use their Batcomputer to track Pengy. Unfortunately Alfred is out "meeting with his minister to discuss a church supper".
Smash cut to said church which looks just like one of King Tut's lairs. (:35) The minister asks for donations for a summer camp, perhaps forgetting who his guest works for. Suddenly the goons show up asking for the minister. So of course Alfred volunteers.
He flips his emergency button in his belt buckle, secretly informing the Duo. They take to the Batmobile.
Alfred is brought to the apartment.
Penguin: "If I don't hear a nice "I do" you'll be visiting heaven instead of talking about it!"
He does not recognize Alfred on sight, despite their having met many times before.
He is taken to "coach" Barbara on what to say, and he sees her just as she is leaving through the window to her own apartment.
Barbara: "I must trust in your discretion as a man of the cloth. You mustn't reveal my secret."
Narrator: "What in the world is this? Revolving walls? Hidden rooms? Disguises? What is Barbara Gordon's secret?"
She pauses in her costume change sequence to greet her pet bird Charlie.
Penguin: "You are about to witness the coup of the century. The world's leading arch criminal becomes the son-in-law of the police commissioner. Waugh waugh waugh! I don't know whether to call him "Daddy" or just "commish.""
Batman (snuck in): "If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now."
Robin (snuck in): "When we get through with you, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "Daddy!""
Penguin: "Oh, you bungling buttinskies always sticking your nose into my business! This time I'm gonna teach you a lesson!"
Batgirl (crashing in): "As long as you're holding classes, Penguin, perhaps you'd include Batgirl too."
Everyone: "Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl? Batgirl?"
Penguin: "Bats. I'm surrounded by bats."
Cue a super fast fight in a very small room. Batgirl kicks Pengy, smothers him, and breaks a board over his head.
Batman: "I don't know who you are, but you certainly know how to handle yourself well."
Robin: "Holy agility, I'll say."
Batgirl: "Thank you, Dynamic Duo. I'm sure you could've handled these crooks without my help, but I was glad for the chance to join in the fun."
Batman: "I can understand your enjoyment. However, our purpose here is quite serious."
Batgirl: "Oh, crime fighting is a serious matter to me too, Batman, but we might as well get a few laughs out of it."
Batman: "Perhaps some other time."
She sneaks out as the Duo find Alfred in the apartment instead of Barbara, and they take too long to try and open it that Penguin manages to gas them. He then orders his men to bag them and Alfred and throw them from the apartment into his truck. Barbara sees this and sneaks into another secret room.
Narrator: "Now what? Another surprise? A Batgirl Cycle in a secret freight elevator?"
Cue Batcycle chasing the truck as it drives around with Penguin in the back. "Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied."
They fast paced go to his trap...somewhere, where he is about to steam the Duo as "human tea bags" in Aunt Hilda's giant cauldron.
Batman: "Steaming us to death will do you no good, Penguin!"
Pengy is distracted when he finds he also took Preacher Alfred. This gives time for Batgirl to catch up for another fight. She kicks everyone while Alfred boxes everyone, including a direct hit to Penguin's head.
Robin: "Alfred's really giving it to them."
Batman (salivating): "So is Batgirl."
They finally get free to (send their stunt doubles into the) fight.
During the scuffle Batgirl makes Alfred swear not to reveal her secret identity, not even to his boss. "You wouldn't take advantage of a woman's trust, would you?"
Alfred: "You have my word as a gentleman's gentleman that no one will ever learn your secret from me."
She gives him a kiss for his trouble before she sneaks out again to get into the wedding dress to be "rescued" by the Duo. Alfred gives a secret eye-roll while they do.
Robin: "Who is this Batgirl? That's what we'd all like to know. Whoever she is behind that mask of hers..."
Batman: "she helped us out of a dire dilemma."
Barbara: "Oh, yes. Think how horrible it would have been to be married to the Penguin."
Penguin: "Horrible? To be married to me? Fa. You can't imagine such bliss."
Cut to Gordon's Office the DMV. For passing his driving test, Bruce gives Dick a '68 Plymouth Barracuda convertible.
RD: "What about those poor kids at the church?"
NOW cut to Gordon's Office. He tells O'Hara that Bruce is donating to the police pension.
RD: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN AT THE CHURCH???"
Gordon tries to call Bruce to express his thanks, but he instead gets...the Riddler, once again Frank Gorshin, standing in front of black felt.
Narrator: "The Riddler, back to puzzle and perplex the Dynamic Duo? Be sure to watch the next episode!"
Also:
Dick (while driving): "Highway safety is every citizen's prime responsibility."
The Bros thought favorably of the episode and of setting up Barbara.
RD: "I'm gonna be as polite as I possibly can. If you are one of the people that's going to say that Batgirl was more attractive than Julie Newmar Catwoman, just come over. I wanna punch you in the face just like Alfred was punching Penguin, 'cause there's something wrong with you! You need new glasses or something!"
The Arcade has a Foo Fighters pinball machine.
RD wrote about John Tenta.
- Special Guest Villain: The Penguin [9] (Burgess Meredith) [9]
- Unaired Special Guest Villain: Killer Moth (Tim Herbert)
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