How to Hatch a Dinosaur
November 9, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Cossacks, steal two pounds of Radium from
the Gotham City Radium Center. Using it in their "Zapping Machine,"
they attempt to hatch an ancient Neosaurus egg, planning to feed the
baby dinosaur a meal of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. Surprisingly, the
machine seems to be working. But when the egg cracks, the baby Neosaurus
is more than they can handle."
48 minutes
RD: Does Not Stand for Ra-Dium. Vince wants to bring back addressing ladies and germs, something possibly started by recent Louie, the Lilac Milton Berle. RD has to set up the "Halloween Balloon Gimmick" blow molds.
On the airdate Rolling Stone started as a San Francisco newspaper.
Narrator: "Morning in Gotham City. But a day that dawns brightly is no guarantee against darkening disaster!"
Egghead is once again exhausting his poor donkey as nearby a Boy Scout helps the little old lady across the street. He and the Cossacks are going to the Gotham City Radium Center, which is of course in the middle of downtown. (Though admittedly, the police's general incompetence without the Dynamic Trio is worse than any potential meltdown.)
RD Junior didn't yet have to help little old ladies across the street in his scouting. He asked his father not to talk too much in giving a speech for becoming an Eagle Scout.
"Where is hot staff being kept?" Olga asks one of the Center's technicians. We know she is a technician because she is wearing a short men's dress shirt, fish net stockings, and no pants.
Vince: "I saw this and my first thought was "are there any openings at the lab?""
Technician: "Hot stuff"? I don't know what you mean."
Olga: "Ossip, sharpen little technicianski's memory with sword."
Technician: "Please, don't. I don't understand."
Egghead: "What are you doing, Olga? Light of my life, my little future wife."
Olga: "Forget rhymeski. She's hiding hot stuff."
Technician: "I don't know what she's talking about."
Egghead: ""Hot stuff" is Cossack translation for radium, my dear."
Technician: "Well, why didn't she say so?"
Egghead: "Well, I am saying so! Now, hand it over. We want 2 pounds of it."
Gordon gets called on the hot stuff, so he immediately calls the Batcave. (:12) The Duo are looking over the Batcomputer which for some reason is acting frisky.
Batman: "It's possible a supply of radium somewhere in the city has been moved. And as radio- sensitive as our machine is, it just possibly could be affected by that. And it's lucky that you and Batgirl found us, Alfred. Otherwise, Robin and Commissioner Gordon might not be too frisky, either."
I did not realize radium could radiate up to 14 miles away where the Batcave is.
He then answers the phone call. "The radium there is type number six, isotype 14, worth about $500 an ounce, Commissioner. The entire theft amounts to only $16,000, far below the usual scale of an Olga-Egghead caper."
After the titles the Duo are at the Office.
Robin: What about the water supply, Batman?"
O'Hara: "Oh, that's a favorite trick of Gotham City's arch-criminals, Boy Wonder."
Unfortunately no thinks of calling up Egbert, who was a security guard at the waterworks. Instead Batman just suggests to be patient.
O'Hara: "Oh, I can just feel them radioactive gammas and betas crawling up on me right now."
Narrator: "And in the Gotham City Crime Central Library, Barbara Gordon has a weighty problem."
Vince doesn't think her orange dress was very good this time due to what looked like a very thick texture. As she tells her colleague Petula, she has a 10 pound rare book of paleontology that she has to personally deliver to Professor "Terry" Dactyl of the Museum of Natural History.
Barbara: "Paleontology used to be a hobby of mine."
The museum has a (well signed) 40 million year old Neosaurus egg which Barbara and the Professor look at.
Barbara: "Aren't you afraid someone will steal it?"
Dactyl: "Steal it? Well, who would want to steal it, my dear? It has no commercial value."
Vince: "An egg that size? I would think you could have omelettes for life."
RD: "Maybe. They would be very old and crusty omelettes."
Dactyl instead has a fossil to show her ("I can't wait,") and after they leave Eggy and Olga pop their heads out of hiding.
Egghead: "That young lady with the professor thought that I might steal the only egg-sisting Neosaurus
egg in the Western world."
Olga: "Is probably stale, Eggski, after 40 million years. Why bother to take it?"
Egghead: "You just leave the thinking to me, Olga."
Olga: "And me?"
Egghead: "You just look beautiful, my dear."
Olga: "Naughty Eggski. Sometimes you are such gallant."
Of course even outside the room Barbara knows they stole the egg, as she calls her father in his Office to tell him. The Duo, who are still there, leave to consult the Batcomputer.
O'Hara: "Think they can crack it, Commissioner?"
Gordon: "If they can't, who can?"
O'Hara: "Sure and that's the truth."
Back in the Batcave:
Batman: "I'm afraid we're not going to get much help from the Batcomputer, Robin. It can't go back to
prehistoric times. This is a problem for good old-fashioned brain power. We'll have to think it out."
He demonstrates this by literally putting a contemplative finger to his head.
Narrator: "While Batman and Robin puzzle over the problem in the Batcave, another mind works on the same problem at the Gotham City Library."
Cue a five second shot of Barbara in the Library.
Back in the Batcave:
Batman: "Robin, do you remember a Professor Willis Grimes?"
Robin: "That radiologist who stayed at Wayne Manor about six months ago?"
RD: "Is Wayne Manor like an Airbnb?"
This other professor (who is never seen or shown) wrote an article about irradiation in the Southeastern Regional Journal of Applied Radiology. Batman calls Alfred to obtain a copy.
Of course at the exact same time Barbara always wants to see the article, but unfortunately due to WWE style budget cuts the Library doesn't have the latest edition.
Barbara: "Who in Gotham City would have it?"
Petula: "The only person in Gotham City who subscribes to more periodicals than the public library is Millionaire Bruce Wayne."
Alfred calls the Batcave to tell them he has the article at the exact same time Barbara calls Stately Wayne Manor to ask for it. Alfred has to answer her too, so he does the double phone thing for a bit. The Bros laud him for the performance.
Alfred (to both): "The title of the article is: "Revitalizing Fossil Forms By The Use of High-Energy Radioactive Energy Sources.""
Batman & Barbara: "Thank you, Alfred."
Alfred: "You're welcome, sir, miss."
Robin: "You think Egghead plans to revitalize that fossil egg and hatch it?"
Batman: "Exactly, Robin."
Robin: "But that's impossible."
Commercials.
Olga: "You are going to hatch 40-million-year-old egg? It's impossible, Eggski."
Eggski is in fact going to thanks to his...Zapping Machine. (:26)
"We will have real live Neosaurus. Yes, our very own. We'll control Gotham City, and that ought to be enough dowry even for you, Olga."
Olga: "And then finally, we can get married. You hatch egg, I will hatch wedding."
Eggski: "Egg-scelent, Olga. Egg-scelent. And think what those Dynamic Dimwits will do when they are faced with my Neosaurus. Did you know that the Neosaurus has 2562 teeth? Not counting wisdom teeth."
Olga: "What is such a creature eating, Eggski?"
Eggski: "Well, I'm planning a three-course meal for it, yes. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. And for dessert, Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara."
Cue evil laughter.
The Duo obtain their Bat-Geiger Counter to try and track the radiation.
Robin: "Why didn't we think of this before, Batman?"
Batman: "We needed to pad out the run time first. Hindsight is often better than foresight, old chum."
Of course Batgirl has her own Bat-Geiger Counter which she attaches on her Batcycle as her theme plays. She almost crashes into the Batmobile while using it. The Trio agree to instead crash Eggy's plans at the lair.
Before any fighting can start, the edit has a very obvious shot of Victor Paul Robin. The villains throw a stuffed bear which appears back at its original location afterwards, but with its large diamond necklace removed. Victor Paul Robin suddenly has a saber. Batgirl continues to smile fight. But Egghead manages to get the two cornered.
Olga:" Wait a minute, Eggski. Where is malen'kiy Batushka?"
Egghead: "Batman? He was probably too afraid of me to show up."
Vince: "I don't think anybody would fear Egghead."
RD still finds him a better villain than some of the one-note (non-Joker) clowns in the show.
So Egghead zaps the egg one more time.
It hatches.
Into a ridiculously awful costume.
(The fact that it was earlier used in Lost In Space doesn't help.)
Egghead: "Calm down now, little Neosaurus. Calm down. I'm your daddy. I hatched you. You wouldn't wanna hurt your daddy now, would you? I'm your daddy. Olga and I are your friends. Aren't we, Olga? (Pointing to Robin and Batgirl) Eat those two! They're young and tender! Yum, yum!"
Of course it instead chases the villains, who all run out straight to the paddy wagon already waiting outside for them.
Egghead: "Lock the doors, Chief O'Hara! Lock us in!"
O'Hara: "Begorra, I never thought I'd see the likes of him begging to be locked up!"
Robin: "If we attack it from different sides, Batgirl, we may be able to subdue it. Though personally, I think it would rather eat peanut-butter sandwiches than Gothamites."
Yes, it is in fact Batman in the costume.
Batman: "It's impossible to hatch an egg 40 million years old, but Egghead didn't believe that. So I used his disbelief against him."
Robin: "But why, Batman?"
Batman: "Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them might have been injured. So I arranged for Chief O'Hara to have this building surrounded. I used my costume to (He roars) frighten them into surrendering en masse."
Batgirl: "What about that burst of radiation that hit the egg when you were inside it?"
Batman: "I was able to protect myself from the radiation by coating the inside of my costume with a thin lead shielding. And now that Olga and Egghead are safely behind iron bars, Robin, they should have plenty of time to study their paleontology."
Batgirl is so let down by the turn of events that she leaves off screen in the five seconds Batman was talking to his ward.
Robin: "For once, Batman, let's follow her!"
Batman: "Well, Robin, with my head sticking out of this Neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary run-of-the-mill crime-fighter."
At the Apartment it's suddenly Barbara's birthday. Bruce, Dick, and O'Hara are there with her father, but not Alfred for some reason. (:37) She gets a call from a Skip Parker asking her to surf with him.
Narrator: "But what else is up at Gotham Point besides the surf? What else is wild besides the combers? Not that heartless hodad, the Joker!"
Joker: "With the aid of this little two-way hot-dog transmitter I shall shortly be king of the surf at Gotham Point! Hahaha!"
Narrator: "Will he? Will this green-haired gremlin take over the world of surfing, or will he wind up in the soup? There's only one way to find out. Watch the next episode!"
RD cannot wait to watch it. He plans to wear his surfing Batman and Joker shirt for it.
Vince: "It is brought up how Batman ever got in the egg and they never addressed that."
RD: "You know who could probably answer it? That professor that stayed at Wayne Manor."
Vince is off Anne Baxter's age by a quite off 10 years this time (She was 44, he guessed 34). Vince doesn't want to rate her due to her earlier (legendary) career and that Olga wasn't supposed to be a young maiden. So they give her 5 honorary Batpoles.
So they instead (officially) rate the technician. Unlike Baxter, Pat Becker really didn't do much acting, all within 1967. She doesn't even have her age listed! She did go on to work on animal rights though, which is not a bad trade-off. They give her 8 Batpoles.
The King of Arcade came down to a victory in overtime on the bubble hockey table. Next for the Arcade will be early Halloween.
Bad News Brown once squashed a doughy guy that McMahon kept calling the wrong name. Jesse Ventura kept comparing McMahon to the jobber.
- Special Guest Villain: Egghead [2] (Vincent Price) [2]
- Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) [2]
- URLs not taken: 1. HalloweenBalloonGimmick.com
- SPEAKING OFs: 2. Very nice, Egghead
- Screen Shares: 1. RD
- Olga Time Outs: 1 (Real Quick)
- Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Prop, eh, finds a way.
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