[Here's (another) something that's been in my bucket (list) for a while.
This is from that same time period, when people thought DVDs would still be around for a while longer, as would 'wacky' stuff such as this. Unlike the Interview though this is of a slightly larger scale and with less cereal involved. And which was also summarized on paper...somewhere. Well the progrem is 15 years running and not getting any better, so.
Like that earlier thing, access purchase can be gained through Patreon support and/or single donation of $15 US. But again: don't say I didn't warn you.
Also my gratitude yet again yet again to RD for his GIFing prowess, if you are wondering why the page may take an hour to load.
- PB, August 14, 2020]
66 minutes
Filmed in a conference room in a La Quinta Inn & Suites in Beech Grove, Indiana
((( recorded in handheld camera fidelity )))
Ignore the Coliseum Video crawl at the beginning. [No swinging full nelson Ken Patera here either.]
It's Been a Decade Down the Drain...
...Time to Celebrate with...
A WrestleCrap Radio Roast!
Let's Join Our MC, Trash Losagain!
Cut to a random shot of the two just sitting there. Get used to it; this consists of the majority of their "shots".
They will be further honored by those from the "new legendary program" (of five years running already) WrestleCrap Radio, which grew on Trash "like a tumor." Cut to a random shot of the two pretending to clap. I guess RD forgot to edit in crickets here.
Trash then leads into RD noting that Curtis Iaukea is no longer with us. Attendants: "I didn't even know he was sick." I guess RD forgot to edit in a laugh track here also.
Today we have: (:03)
Trash (:04): "Now allow me to innerduce the most flamboyant sailor on the seven seas: Gay Popeye! He learned to sail in the navy, and as you'd expect he achieved the rank of Rear Admiral. Gay Popeye, come on up here, but not on me."
He knows Dixie from shore leave and Bluto's encounter with her. [Did he too wrestle for TNA and if so how much more did they pay him than their workers?] Dixie is too busy playing with her figures in a totally disconnected shot. "Suffice it to say, she's no stranger to seamen." Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
He can relate to Stubby since sometimes Pluto puts his hand up him to make him talk funny too. He thinks Alec cheated on Ellie with Dixie. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
He wants to check out (off-screen for some reason) Stewart's Captain's Log. He thinks the Rose should have a ball gag in his mask. And he saw Jim in the shower the other day but even he doesn't want to have sex with him.
RD is a sight for his sore eye. "You've lost some weight I see. But that's okay. I see Blade found it!" Cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk.
Trash (:08): "Here's the man that's so irritable, he gives bowel movements a good name: Angry Jim!"
Jim comes in from the right of the podium despite his earlier sitting on the left. That's not the weirdest thing. He's also wearing his own face as a mask; less to copy Jim's palsy face and more that according to Blade that's the only way he can appear on video. That's not the weirdest thing either.
No, the weirdest thing is that he's overdubbed by Blade as Jim on the phone like on the radio progrem. Perhaps that mask is more of a muffler than expected. Who'd a thought?
Anyway, he mocks Trash while his - I mean Blade's - voice becomes more Black like the 'first' time Blade made him appear "officially". Trash shakes his head slowly.
Hollywood John also came with him, but he's not of a regular character enough to get his own chair at the front table in this conference room. He adjusts his wig while sitting in sandals and a blue feather boa. He badly drove him to "this colossal waste of my fucking time". Cue shot of RD fake laughing.
Needless to say based on all the random things he's allegedly done over the years (and the fact that it's not actually him), he cannot bring himself to say anything bad about anyone else. So he leaves via ghosted dance.
Trash (:29): "He's the man who knows so much about dumps, that he has Duke Droese on his speed-dial: BM Punk!"
BM shows off his readily loaded diaper as he walks to the podium in a shot so well edited it's repeated. Jim has to sell things by holding his mask's nose. John is of course unaffected.
Even worse? He doesn't have his words written down on toilet paper. (2-ply of course.) [I know I harp on Blade's general lack of intelligence/wit/competence, but this was literally low hanging fruit that could be wiped off a posterior after doing your business. Such a shame.]
The 'fish smell' bothering even him came from Dixie, no doubt from her earlier tryst with Bluto and/or Alec. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!" The Rose's obviously feminine floral mask does not compare to his. Cue random shot of Rose and Lily looking annoyed at the camera. And Mike missed his chance to appear in Star Wars as Grand Maul (covering the Mos Eisley market). Cue random shot of Reaper sitting by himself as BM disputes his power. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing.
For some reason, after doubting Blade's awareness on thinking that a piece of ham looked like an alien, he thanks everyone for coming and then notes that there will be an "intermission" before Mike's turn. As expected neither of these immediately follow this. Forget RD, did Tommy Wiseau edit this? ["Oh hai wrestling Mark, how's your sex life?"]
Then it's back to shouting at RD. Cue random shot of the two sitting and looking 'concerned'. Punk thinks all the hair on his head went to his Attitude Era goatee. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
That's all he's got. Perhaps he needs to hit the bathroom already or something.
Trash (:33): "It's our little wooden friend Stubby! Like Pinocchio, when he tells a lie, something grows. Unfortunately, it's not his nose. Stubby, you little ragamuffin, get up here!"
Well at least now we know if a six foot man can crouch under a podium.
He also brought his laugh track with him. He uses it to insulthimself Blade for using his Katie Vick outfit to have fun in. Cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade. Strangely his further mocking of "Mickie James' biggest fan" gets the most chuckles out of those in attendance without any actual joke having to be made. This cues an extended shot of RD "mocking" Blade enough for Blade to randomly smack him.
As for RD he has body hair. Apparently this is a thing. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD (No RD hitting back in response?).
Trash (:36): "Here's the man whose stories combine wrestling, adventure, and romance. In fact, the only thing not in his stories is entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Alec Heineken!"
Alec waits for his mark and his music to come up to the podium. He remarks on Trash having a big penis. Cue shot of RD fake laughing. Also his nemesis Mike is old. Apparently this is news. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
Alec's other music plays as he wonders how RD can be considered a "good" writer. He disputes this by reading his original induction of Charlie Minn, all four paragraphs of it.
Cut to some of the attendees sitting bored while RD randomly takes some food off their table as Alec's audience applauds. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
Alec: "Ciao."
Cut to some of the attendees sitting bored while RD randomly takes some food off their table as Alec's audience applauds. Yes, the exact same shot repeated. ["Yeh teahring me aphart, Dixie!"]
Trash (:42): (Radio static)
After sauntering up to the podium, Mike asks the greenhorn cameraman (Clayton) to give him a 'proper' microphone instead of the supplied ballpoint pen.
Popeye reminds him of when he was in the San Francisco market. (But was he also on a boat?)
Arch-nemesis Alec reminds him of when he was at Key 103 in Manchester [nowadays rebranded as Hits Radio]. He worked with Bob Fishman as Chipper Thomas on the morning drive as The Fish & Chip Breakfast Bonanza.
Mike: "Sadly that did not last; surprisingly most people did not want to think about fish and chips for their breakfast. Fuckin' limeys!"
He wakes up Jim just to remind him his wife is sleeping with "the man in her life" Johnny Ace. (He does not play her music request though for some reason.) Dixie is a very (etc.) attractive lady as even RD and Blade decide to take a nap. Why they didn't do this before and thus all throughout their Roast is anyone's guess.
Mike once worked at Knoxville's WTRN "1010 The Train" covering sports as Bobby "Sports" Coat, and he worked with Patty Jones on The Patty-Coat Junction before a cease-and-desist from CBS. This got the biggest laughs by far from the group.
Stubby is still there asleep regardless of Mike's presence or not. "WWCR already has a dummy and his name's Brad!...This is the single worst show I've ever been on." He gets somebody who's still awake to play his record player. It's Loudon Wainwright III's Dead Skunk In The Middle Of The Road, here on the Whacker!
Trash (:50): "Now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome the men of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, Blade & RD!"
The two appear to a smattering of applause, finally able to take revenge onthemselves their characters of geeks, nerds, and poindexters...by using lines submitted by others. (No joke. Intentionally anyway.)
RD is surprised Blade is wearing pants. Cut to "Don" randomly laughing while holding his skull. Blade is exhausted (and a cripple?) from carrying RD for so many years. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing.
RD: "That's nice. Do you remember when we first met? You came up to me and said:"What do you think about my video submission for your contest of my favorite wrestler of all time, the Black Scorpion?" "Can I have 10 bucks till payday?" And I asked you: "When's payday?" And you said: "I don't know. You're the one that has a fucking job!""
Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head.
Blade: "Ah, you're fat and bald Randy!"
Even RD laughs at that. So too Hollywood John in another random shot.
RD hates Blade's tardiness: [What a surprise.] "Seriously dude, do you need an alarm clock to know when you have to take a piss?" Blade: "I'm a fucking alcoholic, motherfucker!" [What a surprise.]
Even if drunk, Blade reminds his Co-Hosss that there are others that they should be fighting instead of each other. This includes Jim who hasn't had sex in like 15 years. "Fuck yourself!" Blade overdubs for him (assuming they didn't just use an old clip for that).
RD first thanks Trash, AKA "Frankie Williams with no talent." Trash responds with an exaggerated laugh. Blade compliments his dancing skills from earlier. Unfortunately he did not get his own reality show titled "Dancing With Who The Fuck Is This Guy?" In response RD makes Trash throw his cap down and pretend exit dramatically.
That out of the way, RD can ridicule BM Punk for just being CM Punk but focused on feces. This brings backcrickets the grasshopper. "Hillbilly" Jim is again mocked. This can't be helped what with he already sitting close by for such quick and easy insulting. Low hanging fruit, I know. Blade: "Your barbecue business was so bad, I bet that people would stop dying if you bought a cemetery!"
[I'm still surprised I can recognize my contributed line ten years after the fact, even if I later found out it could also be attributed to professional golfer Ed Furgol.
Also, RD, when you're reading this, and I know you will since I requested your aid and pointed this post out to you, give Jim a graveyard business to run on his next appearance. I'm giving this to you free of charge! Please and thank ya.]
His wife has had sex with everyone else but he. Yes, even with RD. Yes, even with Nintendo John. Yes, even with BM (anally of course). Yes, even with Hollywood John. (Twice.) Jim gives his employee meat-beater the fingers in the opposite direction (since he can't really speak for obvious reasons). Hollywood adjusts his wig in response while sitting in sandals.
RD is still confused by the presence of a "Ratings Reaper". He flips them off in the middle of thunder.
RD thinks Alec should write his own sexual stories about "Don". Cut to a dislocated shot of Alec laughing. RD picks up Stubby so Blade can shout at him without having to stick his hand up his ass first. This brings up Krankor. (Some variety for once!)
Popeye is too busy being disconnected with his spinach to Penguin laugh at Blade. Blade finds Rose attractive for some reason, but references the wrong movie at him. RD wishes Dixie gets diabetes from all the sugar she likes to handle. Cut to another disconnected shot of Dixie playing with her figures. (Some variety also, surprisingly!) John is too busy to respond to Blade, perhaps fearing that he will be exposed as a fraud if he lifts his head (like his device being a Game Boy Color instead of the original dot-matrix green for instance).
But the biggest vitriol goes to the "resurrected" Mike Check. RD finds him a monotonous waste of time, like Raw. Blade wants to see him disappear (into the airwaves?). RD calls him a pedophile for wanting to put King Vitamin/Pedophile on a stamp. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. Blade calls him old (again). Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. RD mocks his microphone.
Now insulting Mike is one thing (over the many hundreds of years he has lived). But insulting his microphone? That is a line you don't want to cross.
So Mike (now suddenly sitting between Nintendo John and the Reaper instead of by himself like in his previous shots) decides to cut a promo on the two greenhorns. Blade uses the awkward editing to snatch his microphone, revealing it to just be a bathroom appliance attached to a kid's toy. Cue Blade "fighting" RD with hilariously awful blows.
Trash (:66):
Hollywood John: "I just got one thing to say - " 
This is from that same time period, when people thought DVDs would still be around for a while longer, as would 'wacky' stuff such as this. Unlike the Interview though this is of a slightly larger scale and with less cereal involved. And which was also summarized on paper...somewhere. Well the progrem is 15 years running and not getting any better, so.
Like that earlier thing, access purchase can be gained through Patreon support and/or single donation of $15 US. But again: don't say I didn't warn you.
Also my gratitude yet again yet again to RD for his GIFing prowess, if you are wondering why the page may take an hour to load.
- PB, August 14, 2020]
66 minutes
Filmed in a conference room in a La Quinta Inn & Suites in Beech Grove, Indiana
((( recorded in handheld camera fidelity )))
Ignore the Coliseum Video crawl at the beginning. [No swinging full nelson Ken Patera here either.]
It's Been a Decade Down the Drain...
...Time to Celebrate with...
A WrestleCrap Radio Roast!
Let's Join Our MC, Trash Losagain!
Trash has to say his piece to 12 8 people who listen to a weekly radio progrem (assuming they can pay attention for it and don't fall asleep because of it). WrestleCrap was founded to make people laugh, and according to the law of averages it should have done so at least once. Thus to commemorate this achievement, we are to supposedly 'congratulate' the two who made that possible.
Trash: "Direct from Amtrak 378 out of Topeka, Kansas, everyone's favorite hobo, Mr. Blade Braxton! And from the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater, the one and only, RD Reynolds!"
Cut to a random shot of the two just sitting there. Get used to it; this consists of the majority of their "shots".
They will be further honored by those from the "new legendary program" (of five years running already) WrestleCrap Radio, which grew on Trash "like a tumor." Cut to a random shot of the two pretending to clap. I guess RD forgot to edit in crickets here.
Trash then leads into RD noting that Curtis Iaukea is no longer with us. Attendants: "I didn't even know he was sick." I guess RD forgot to edit in a laugh track here also.
Today we have: (:03)
- Gay Popeye with pipe and can of spinach
- Stubby, yet again with someone's hand up his ass
- Angry Jim Ross, sitting to the left. He shakes his head in his characteristic sadness
"Weird Al" YankovicDixie Carter with fan and action figure playset
- Midnight Rose, with totally real handgun and lovely companion
ElviraLily
Albert EinsteinSir Alec Heineken, eating a never ending supply of chips on a newspaper without any wrestling stories. As expected he looks nothing like Blade's supplied profile picture
- Mike Check, back from the "dead". It's almost as if he's faking it or something
- Blade pretending to be Don Mason, with his mask and skull but no corn oil
- BM Punk, sadly not sitting on a toilet seat. He instead wears a shirt telling people that he is in fact BM Punk. Accept no substitutes!
- Stewart Patrick, seen here in still frame with prophetic floating word (No Pontiac?)
- Nintendo John, already sitting to Jim's left and focused intently on his Game Boy (by Nintendo)
***
Trash (:04): "Now allow me to innerduce the most flamboyant sailor on the seven seas: Gay Popeye! He learned to sail in the navy, and as you'd expect he achieved the rank of Rear Admiral. Gay Popeye, come on up here, but not on me."
The man comes from underneath the table besides Jim (who does he think he is, a submariner?). The pipe makes RD look more like Burgess Meredith as the Penguin though.
He knows Dixie from shore leave and Bluto's encounter with her. [Did he too wrestle for TNA and if so how much more did they pay him than their workers?] Dixie is too busy playing with her figures in a totally disconnected shot. "Suffice it to say, she's no stranger to seamen." Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
He can relate to Stubby since sometimes Pluto puts his hand up him to make him talk funny too. He thinks Alec cheated on Ellie with Dixie. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
He wants to check out (off-screen for some reason) Stewart's Captain's Log. He thinks the Rose should have a ball gag in his mask. And he saw Jim in the shower the other day but even he doesn't want to have sex with him.
RD is a sight for his sore eye. "You've lost some weight I see. But that's okay. I see Blade found it!" Cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk.
Trash (:08): "Here's the man that's so irritable, he gives bowel movements a good name: Angry Jim!"
Jim comes in from the right of the podium despite his earlier sitting on the left. That's not the weirdest thing. He's also wearing his own face as a mask; less to copy Jim's palsy face and more that according to Blade that's the only way he can appear on video. That's not the weirdest thing either.
No, the weirdest thing is that he's overdubbed by Blade as Jim on the phone like on the radio progrem. Perhaps that mask is more of a muffler than expected. Who'd a thought?
Anyway, he mocks Trash while his - I mean Blade's - voice becomes more Black like the 'first' time Blade made him appear "officially". Trash shakes his head slowly.
The Gobbledy Gooker's costume was supposed to be here, but it was a no-show due to this thing being a 'stupid idea'. Popeye, once the "number 2 gay guy behind Peter Gazer", still wishes he were in that position. Ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk.
BM Punk is a man of many colors, all of them bodily fluids. The Rose is more of a fraud than fake Razor Ramon. Stubby is apparently a better idea than Fantasy Booking Island. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
Mike wants to gawk at underage school girls and seduce them with tunes as old as their grandparents. [He prefers more older and legal fare.]
BM Punk is a man of many colors, all of them bodily fluids. The Rose is more of a fraud than fake Razor Ramon. Stubby is apparently a better idea than Fantasy Booking Island. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
Mike wants to gawk at underage school girls and seduce them with tunes as old as their grandparents. [He prefers more older and legal fare.]
Hollywood John also came with him, but he's not of a regular character enough to get his own chair at the front table in this conference room. He adjusts his wig while sitting in sandals and a blue feather boa. He badly drove him to "this colossal waste of my fucking time". Cue shot of RD fake laughing.
As for the "goddamn sons of bitches", Blade wrestles in obscure movies slightly above Mike (cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade) and has issues with firing too quickly. RD is somehow popular in the industry despite wearing a fur coat in front of 20 people like "a common street whore". Cue "Don" gyrating.
Jim: "Have a nice day, go fuck yourself!"
Trash (:15): "Time to meet the woman who's no 40-year-old virgin; she's way older than that, and much more of a whore: Dixie!"
You haven't lived until you've seen the sight of a 40 year old (non-virgin) 6 foot tall man in a dress and wig, carrying a fan to the podium with action figures already on it. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, obviously. Besides, he seems to be having fun. That makes one of us.)
Popeye is to have a deal to obtain a brown Ford Probe. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing, ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. Nintendo John getting a Rad Racer finally prompts RD editing incrickets a grasshopper [named Michael].
Strangely Mike being a bad TNA reporter does not get any sort of response, despite his average audience being bigger than hers ever was.
Blade's singleness is making him sad despite that gift poster of hers. He can join Jim in pulling pork down in his basement. She disparages RD's decision making in having Blade for a Co-Hosss. "Seriously, I very much love your show. And I say that as the producer of Impact, so consider the source."
Trash (:18): "Up next we have the Midnight Rose, the baddest Cuban from the baddest part of Miami. I hear it's so rough there, when Roddy Piper showed up, he said "maybe my neighborhood ain't that bad." Get up here, Midnight Rose!"
You haven't haven't lived until you've seen the sight of a 35 year old 6 foot tall man in a flower mask, accompanied by a lady in heels taller than he is. (Not that there's anything wrong with that also, obviously. Besides, he seems to be having fun if his mask allows for such emotion.)
He does the polite thing and puts over Lily. Not unlike Dixie over there accompanied by her action figures. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!" Cue shot of RD fake laughing.
"Mr. Barbecue Man" to the left looking like a hillbilly is even worse.
Rose: "What the fuck do you think this is, a fucking Little River Band concert, mang?...Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not fucking your wife, mang. They are! You aren't! Even I have fucked your wife in the last six months, mang!"
Lily: "Even I have fucked your wife, Jim."
Neither of the two have any idea who Hollywood John is as he sits in another disconnected shot. He does know who Mike is though, as the oldest man in Indianapolis. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head.
Sadly Bryan Alvarez is not here, a shame since RD keeps kissing his ass all the time.
Blade has no time to kiss anyone's ass since he's a broke alcoholic druggie who can't wrestle or cut a good speech. Cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing (ah gyuk gyuk gyuk). RD is even worse, like when he stole someone's hat. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD. Cue Dave Meltzer reference for completion's sake.
Strangely he doesn't have any Pontiac marketing to shill. (It's not as if his "boss" is also present, even if preoccupied with her action figures.) So instead he decides to crack jokes. Needless to say since he didn't take that particular course in Starfleet Academy, they are all pretty bad. [That also explains the series' bad handling of comedy as a whole come to think of it.]
The disrespected Rose ultimately "dispatches" him by lightly tapping his gun to his head, causing a dramatic pratfall onto the specially preparedringside area (you can tell by Stubby having been removed beforehand).
Rose: "He's leaving now."
Also nice covering of the facial hair there Blade.
The Reaper too only gets one line. For that Blade overdubs him on his phone. [At least take Dixie's figures away from her or something.]
Trash (:28): "Time for everyone to finally meet the man who bought so much corn oil, he should have bought stock in Wesson: Mr. Don...Don Mason!"
Cue random white guy dancing while the camera suffers a ghosting effect.
Jim: "Have a nice day, go fuck yourself!"
Trash (:15): "Time to meet the woman who's no 40-year-old virgin; she's way older than that, and much more of a whore: Dixie!"
You haven't lived until you've seen the sight of a 40 year old (non-virgin) 6 foot tall man in a dress and wig, carrying a fan to the podium with action figures already on it. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, obviously. Besides, he seems to be having fun. That makes one of us.)
Popeye is to have a deal to obtain a brown Ford Probe. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing, ah gyuk gyuk gyuk gyuk. Nintendo John getting a Rad Racer finally prompts RD editing in
Blade's singleness is making him sad despite that gift poster of hers. He can join Jim in pulling pork down in his basement. She disparages RD's decision making in having Blade for a Co-Hosss. "Seriously, I very much love your show. And I say that as the producer of Impact, so consider the source."
Trash (:18): "Up next we have the Midnight Rose, the baddest Cuban from the baddest part of Miami. I hear it's so rough there, when Roddy Piper showed up, he said "maybe my neighborhood ain't that bad." Get up here, Midnight Rose!"
You haven't haven't lived until you've seen the sight of a 35 year old 6 foot tall man in a flower mask, accompanied by a lady in heels taller than he is. (Not that there's anything wrong with that also, obviously. Besides, he seems to be having fun if his mask allows for such emotion.)
He does the polite thing and puts over Lily. Not unlike Dixie over there accompanied by her action figures. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!" Cue shot of RD fake laughing.
"Mr. Barbecue Man" to the left looking like a hillbilly is even worse.
Rose: "What the fuck do you think this is, a fucking Little River Band concert, mang?...Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not fucking your wife, mang. They are! You aren't! Even I have fucked your wife in the last six months, mang!"
Lily: "Even I have fucked your wife, Jim."
Neither of the two have any idea who Hollywood John is as he sits in another disconnected shot. He does know who Mike is though, as the oldest man in Indianapolis. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head.
Sadly Bryan Alvarez is not here, a shame since RD keeps kissing his ass all the time.
Blade has no time to kiss anyone's ass since he's a broke alcoholic druggie who can't wrestle or cut a good speech. Cue shot of RD "mocking" Blade. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing (ah gyuk gyuk gyuk). RD is even worse, like when he stole someone's hat. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD. Cue Dave Meltzer reference for completion's sake.
Trash (:24): "Here's the TNA correspondent that builds excitement. Unfortunately for us he doesn't build ratings or anything else positive: Stewart Patrick!"
It's pretty nice to see RD reference that horrible movie nobody saw about Picard's Reman clone. [Now, if you had told me that within the following decade his actor would redeem his career with actual, superbly done roles including Mad Max, Bane, and Al Capone, and get an Academy Award nomination among other things, I'd give you more laughs than I would this recording (which was none). Heck, if I told you in return that that movie also featured Ron Perlman in full makeup you'd probably be wondering how the Trek universe could handle a Hellboy appearance.]
Strangely he doesn't have any Pontiac marketing to shill. (It's not as if his "boss" is also present, even if preoccupied with her action figures.) So instead he decides to crack jokes. Needless to say since he didn't take that particular course in Starfleet Academy, they are all pretty bad. [That also explains the series' bad handling of comedy as a whole come to think of it.]
The disrespected Rose ultimately "dispatches" him by lightly tapping his gun to his head, causing a dramatic pratfall onto the specially prepared
Rose: "He's leaving now."
 |
| [When you unintentionally mimic shifting power in better (and older) media] |
 |
| "I'm tired of being Black!" |
Trash (:26): "The greatest wrestler since the heyday of Kin Corn Karn is up next: Nintendo John! Recently we had our listeners rate his performance. Some rated him from an A to an F. Others rated him by numbers. But in the end it didn't matter because Nintendo John got an F-Zero."
John only gets one line (of code). Like an 8-bit MIDI track, it sounds very minimalist. RD doesn't even edit in his audience (on the Nintendo).
Also nice covering of the facial hair there Blade.
Trash (:27): (Thunder)
Trash (:28): "Time for everyone to finally meet the man who bought so much corn oil, he should have bought stock in Wesson: Mr. Don...Don Mason!"
Cue random white guy dancing while the camera suffers a ghosting effect.
 |
| "Did I ever tell you about the time when..." |
Trash (:29): "He's the man who knows so much about dumps, that he has Duke Droese on his speed-dial: BM Punk!"
BM shows off his readily loaded diaper as he walks to the podium in a shot so well edited it's repeated. Jim has to sell things by holding his mask's nose. John is of course unaffected.
Even worse? He doesn't have his words written down on toilet paper. (2-ply of course.) [I know I harp on Blade's general lack of intelligence/wit/competence, but this was literally low hanging fruit that could be wiped off a posterior after doing your business. Such a shame.]
The 'fish smell' bothering even him came from Dixie, no doubt from her earlier tryst with Bluto and/or Alec. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!" The Rose's obviously feminine floral mask does not compare to his. Cue random shot of Rose and Lily looking annoyed at the camera. And Mike missed his chance to appear in Star Wars as Grand Maul (covering the Mos Eisley market). Cue random shot of Reaper sitting by himself as BM disputes his power. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing.
For some reason, after doubting Blade's awareness on thinking that a piece of ham looked like an alien, he thanks everyone for coming and then notes that there will be an "intermission" before Mike's turn. As expected neither of these immediately follow this. Forget RD, did Tommy Wiseau edit this? ["Oh hai wrestling Mark, how's your sex life?"]
Then it's back to shouting at RD. Cue random shot of the two sitting and looking 'concerned'. Punk thinks all the hair on his head went to his Attitude Era goatee. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
That's all he's got. Perhaps he needs to hit the bathroom already or something.
Trash (:33): "It's our little wooden friend Stubby! Like Pinocchio, when he tells a lie, something grows. Unfortunately, it's not his nose. Stubby, you little ragamuffin, get up here!"
Well at least now we know if a six foot man can crouch under a podium.
He also brought his laugh track with him. He uses it to insult
As for RD he has body hair. Apparently this is a thing. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD (No RD hitting back in response?).
Trash (:36): "Here's the man whose stories combine wrestling, adventure, and romance. In fact, the only thing not in his stories is entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Alec Heineken!"
Alec waits for his mark and his music to come up to the podium. He remarks on Trash having a big penis. Cue shot of RD fake laughing. Also his nemesis Mike is old. Apparently this is news. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. Cue another totally disconnected shot of flustered Dixie: "Oh my!"
Alec's other music plays as he wonders how RD can be considered a "good" writer. He disputes this by reading his original induction of Charlie Minn, all four paragraphs of it.
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| ((( recorded in iMac fidelity ))) |
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| Yes, four paragraphs. |
Cut to some of the attendees sitting bored while RD randomly takes some food off their table as Alec's audience applauds. Cue shot of Blade "laughing" at RD.
Alec: "Ciao."
Cut to some of the attendees sitting bored while RD randomly takes some food off their table as Alec's audience applauds. Yes, the exact same shot repeated. ["Yeh teahring me aphart, Dixie!"]
Trash (:42): (Radio static)
After sauntering up to the podium, Mike asks the greenhorn cameraman (Clayton) to give him a 'proper' microphone instead of the supplied ballpoint pen.
Popeye reminds him of when he was in the San Francisco market. (But was he also on a boat?)
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| Note how his fascinating radio prowess puts even Jim and John to sleep. Not Stubby though. He's always like that without somebody up his ass. |
Arch-nemesis Alec reminds him of when he was at Key 103 in Manchester [nowadays rebranded as Hits Radio]. He worked with Bob Fishman as Chipper Thomas on the morning drive as The Fish & Chip Breakfast Bonanza.
Mike: "Sadly that did not last; surprisingly most people did not want to think about fish and chips for their breakfast. Fuckin' limeys!"
He wakes up Jim just to remind him his wife is sleeping with "the man in her life" Johnny Ace. (He does not play her music request though for some reason.) Dixie is a very (etc.) attractive lady as even RD and Blade decide to take a nap. Why they didn't do this before and thus all throughout their Roast is anyone's guess.
Mike once worked at Knoxville's WTRN "1010 The Train" covering sports as Bobby "Sports" Coat, and he worked with Patty Jones on The Patty-Coat Junction before a cease-and-desist from CBS. This got the biggest laughs by far from the group.
Stubby is still there asleep regardless of Mike's presence or not. "WWCR already has a dummy and his name's Brad!...This is the single worst show I've ever been on." He gets somebody who's still awake to play his record player. It's Loudon Wainwright III's Dead Skunk In The Middle Of The Road, here on the Whacker!
***
Trash (:50): "Now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome the men of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, Blade & RD!"
The two appear to a smattering of applause, finally able to take revenge on
RD is surprised Blade is wearing pants. Cut to "Don" randomly laughing while holding his skull. Blade is exhausted (and a cripple?) from carrying RD for so many years. Cue shot of Popeye Penguin laughing.
RD: "That's nice. Do you remember when we first met? You came up to me and said:
Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head.
Blade: "Ah, you're fat and bald Randy!"
Even RD laughs at that. So too Hollywood John in another random shot.
RD hates Blade's tardiness: [What a surprise.] "Seriously dude, do you need an alarm clock to know when you have to take a piss?" Blade: "I'm a fucking alcoholic, motherfucker!" [What a surprise.]
Even if drunk, Blade reminds his Co-Hosss that there are others that they should be fighting instead of each other. This includes Jim who hasn't had sex in like 15 years. "Fuck yourself!" Blade overdubs for him (assuming they didn't just use an old clip for that).
RD first thanks Trash, AKA "Frankie Williams with no talent." Trash responds with an exaggerated laugh. Blade compliments his dancing skills from earlier. Unfortunately he did not get his own reality show titled "Dancing With Who The Fuck Is This Guy?" In response RD makes Trash throw his cap down and pretend exit dramatically.
That out of the way, RD can ridicule BM Punk for just being CM Punk but focused on feces. This brings back
[I'm still surprised I can recognize my contributed line ten years after the fact, even if I later found out it could also be attributed to professional golfer Ed Furgol.
Also, RD, when you're reading this, and I know you will since I requested your aid and pointed this post out to you, give Jim a graveyard business to run on his next appearance. I'm giving this to you free of charge! Please and thank ya.]
His wife has had sex with everyone else but he. Yes, even with RD. Yes, even with Nintendo John. Yes, even with BM (anally of course). Yes, even with Hollywood John. (Twice.) Jim gives his employee meat-beater the fingers in the opposite direction (since he can't really speak for obvious reasons). Hollywood adjusts his wig in response while sitting in sandals.
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| In case you may have forgotten that he was still "here". |
RD is still confused by the presence of a "Ratings Reaper". He flips them off in the middle of thunder.
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| "Rate this!" |
RD thinks Alec should write his own sexual stories about "Don". Cut to a dislocated shot of Alec laughing. RD picks up Stubby so Blade can shout at him without having to stick his hand up his ass first. This brings up Krankor. (Some variety for once!)
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| He's got ya now, ya scum! |
Popeye is too busy being disconnected with his spinach to Penguin laugh at Blade. Blade finds Rose attractive for some reason, but references the wrong movie at him. RD wishes Dixie gets diabetes from all the sugar she likes to handle. Cut to another disconnected shot of Dixie playing with her figures. (Some variety also, surprisingly!) John is too busy to respond to Blade, perhaps fearing that he will be exposed as a fraud if he lifts his head (like his device being a Game Boy Color instead of the original dot-matrix green for instance).
But the biggest vitriol goes to the "resurrected" Mike Check. RD finds him a monotonous waste of time, like Raw. Blade wants to see him disappear (into the airwaves?). RD calls him a pedophile for wanting to put King Vitamin/Pedophile on a stamp. Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. Blade calls him old (again). Cut to another totally disconnected shot of Mike shaking his head. RD mocks his microphone.
Now insulting Mike is one thing (over the many hundreds of years he has lived). But insulting his microphone? That is a line you don't want to cross.
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| "Market this, RJ and Brad!" |
So Mike (now suddenly sitting between Nintendo John and the Reaper instead of by himself like in his previous shots) decides to cut a promo on the two greenhorns. Blade uses the awkward editing to snatch his microphone, revealing it to just be a bathroom appliance attached to a kid's toy. Cue Blade "fighting" RD with hilariously awful blows.
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| [Where does Blade think he is, pandemic empty Performance Center WWE?] |
And thus the hour ends as expected: devolving into random shenanigans. [Which you can see in all its "glory" here on Brad's YouTube thing, if you are so inclined. I know I am.]
- RD "leaves" as the Rose threatens a wooden dummy
- Jim and Hollywood John double team the Reaper
- Popeye has trouble fighting Trash before he remembers he has a can of spinach and his theme music to overpower him
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| If only this were in black and white. |
- Jim randomly hides under the table while still being overdubbed for some reason
- Rose holds Nintendo John for Lily to pie him in the face, before he continues to deliver more bad blows [I know Blade's been out of the business for a while, but this badly?]
- Regardless, Nintendo John manages to find his Game Boy and continue button mashing it
- Despite being full of...you know, BM easily knocks aside Hollywood John (despite being played by...you know). Thus Jim just lays there while BM pulls out a Snickers bar from his diaper and applies it to the mask
- Lily kicks peeping tom Stubby so hard she decapitates him
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| BRUTALITY |
- Blade continues to badly beat up Mike while Hollywood John watches
- Rose pies the Reaper quite stiffly (the mask softens the blow). He then pies one of the spectators who continues to read his paper
- Alec's projectile chips are no match for super strength Popeye who has his turn to stiffly pie him
- Dixie vanishes into Parts Unknown (where a not yet visited toy store remains)
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| You can never not have a group photo. |
Dedicated to All Deceased TNA Correspondents
Johnny 4
Johnny 6
Megatrolla
Nathaniel Edward Rodham Davis
Stewart Patrick
Jermaine the Cricket
CS Irwin, Please Pay Up Your Insurance
Thanks To All Our Fellow Crappers for Ten Great Years!
***
Trash (:66):
Hollywood John: "I just got one thing to say - "
