Episode 113: Holy Off-Screen!: October 23, 2023

The Ogg Couple
December 21, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Cossacks, kick off their return with several thefts from the Gotham City Museum. Egghead begins planning a series of heists - intended to provide him with the dowry needed to marry Olga. Swiping 500 pounds of dehydrated caviar goes off without a hitch. But when Batgirl attempts to outfox Egghead, she is instead captured by the villain. It's up to Batman and Robin to find the villains' hideout before Olga's Cossacks make mincemeat out of their crime fighting friend."
41 minutes

RD: A Clever, Crafty Coward. Vince was disappointed the episode had more Olga than Egghead. RD found it odd. Among the oddities: the show never did a proper Christmas episode.

Narrator: "A typically beautiful day in Gotham City. But the return of a dastardly duo and their deadly  dragoons bodes darkening clouds."

Like the last appearance, Eggy, his poor little donkey, Olga, and Cossacks thunderously march on the street just as a Boy Scout helps a little old lady across it, as they go to the Los Angeles County Art Museum and Historical Society.

[Checks earpiece]

I'm sorry, I'm being told by the Narrator that it's actually the Gotham City Art Museum. 

(Unless this was a name change by Gordon to try and confuse villains.)

Anyway the group breaks in so Olga can steal the Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul.
Security Guard: "You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel!"
Egghead: "Shh. This is a museum. Quiet, please."
His lot is the golden egg the scimitar is stuck in - that is, if she can pull it out of its eggshell stone. Eggy has to use his "Egg of Ogg Acid" so she can pull it out and be the rightful Queen of Bessarovia. 

Egghead: "Now let's get out of here fast before the Gotham City cops arrive."
Olga: "Oh, do not worry about cops, darling. My Cossacks are making cops-burgers from them if they  buttinski."
Egghead: "Fine, fine, but let's get out of here anyway."
Price sells the egg's weight by looking like he's getting a hernia.

Gordon gets the call in his Office. (:09)
O'Hara: "Begorra. I thought Egghead was behind bars and the Bessarovians had been sent back to  Bessarovia."
Gordon: "Bessarovia didn't want the Bessarovians. And Egghead's out on a legal technicality. There's only one person who can help us. But I can hardly bring myself to call him again. Give me a moment to summon my strength and courage. For if ever strength and courage were needed in Gotham City, Chief O'Hara...it's needed now."

In Stately Wayne Manor Bruce and Dick are actually reading in their Library. 
Dick: "Gosh, Bruce, that Genghis Khan was quite a guy. In the 13th century, he and his Mongol armies  almost conquered Europe."
Bruce: "Yes, Dick, the Mongols are fierce warriors. Even today you can find pockets of them scattered  throughout Asia."
Alfred gets the ringing Batphone despite it being within easy reach of Bruce. "To The Batpoles!"

Gordon: "[Egghead]'s a very stupid man, compounding all his felonies." (Emphasis mine, considering how smart Eggy's shown to be. Especially compared to the police at any rate.)
Batman: "Women like Olga have been the downfall of far wiser men than Egghead, Commissioner. No,  the invasion was just the beginning of the new nefarious plan of pilfer and plunder involving, no doubt,  more egg targets of some kind."
Gordon: "We'll make a list of every egg target left in Gotham City, Batman."

In the big black warehouse lair, Olga rubs Eggy's head rather vigorously while the Cossacks do their dancing thing.
Egghead: "The Scimitar of Taras Bulbul, the golden Egg of Ogg, are only the beginning of a series of  dastardly plans that will leave Gotham City begging for mercy."
Olga: "Mercy! Ha! My Cossacks are not giving mercy."
Egghead: "No, of course not. You lovely, evil woman, not a drop of mercy!"
Olga: "You are heartless, hairless man. I'm liking you more and more."
As part of getting more loot for his marriage dowry, Eggy plans to steal 500 pounds of dehydrated caviar, "a gift from the czar of Samarkand to the people of Gotham City. And it's worth $200 an ounce."

Meanwhile Barbara (in a nice yellow outfit) is now at the Office asking her father to have lunch with her. (:15)
Gordon: " I only wish I could, darling, but Gotham City is in too much danger."
Barbara: "Danger? ... I only wish there was something I could do to help."
Gordon: "There is something you can do. You can help...by going straight home and staying out of  trouble."
She does go home, where she talks to Charlie as she takes him into her room to change into Batgirl. RD found that odd for some reason. 

In the Batcave the Duo have finished warning every egg related business in the city. Batman's Bat-logic suddenly reminds him that Samarkand neighbors Bessaravia and thus they may go after the caviar. 

This is despite Bessaravia being in Moldova...a good 2900 km away from Uzbekistan. 

Hilariously, this is shorter than the distance from New Jersey (home of Gotham City) to Los Angeles (home of the Los Angeles County Art Museum and Historical Society) which is 3900 km.

Robin: "What's Gotham City gonna do with 500 pounds of dehydrated caviar?"
Batman: "No one could decide. So it's being stored in a specially-cooled vault at the Gotham National Bank."

This realization is so momentous that it needs a commercial break.  

Sure enough the Cossacks strike at the Bank.
Olga: "Do not draw revolver, little shmyerdski, or I am having Ossip bash you to beatniks."
The shmyerdski, er, branch manager laughs at them thinking they're going after the money which was transferred elsewhere, until Olga tells him otherwise. "Old Cossack saying: Do not make "ha" before eggs are safe. Snatch the caviar and make fast goodbye."

The group exits just as Eggy rides in late on his donkey. Then all of a sudden the branch manager remembers he has a security guard with a gun and orders him to shoot Egghead.
Just then Batgirl appears, so he pleads for her help.
Batgirl: "Not so brave when your henchmen aren't around, are you?"
Egghead: "Oh, I never claimed to be brave, Batgirl. No, I'm clever and crafty, but I'm a complete  coward. You won't let him shoot me?"
Batgirl: "That depends. Where are the Cossacks you've been running around with?"
Egghead: "They speak Bessarovian and I don't speak the language."
Batgirl: "Perhaps there are some other languages you do know, Egghead. The language spoken by that guard's gun!"
Egghead: "Do you expect me, a respected arch-criminal to fink on my friends like a common stool pigeon?"
Batgirl: "Of course."
Egghead: "(Beat) ...All right, I'll do it."
He gets on the Batcycle behind her, which really speaks for itself. 

Finally the Duo appear, and the branch manager catches them up to speed.
Batman: "Batgirl is a match for any gang of ordinary hoodlums, but for a wild band of Bessarovian  Cossacks even her extraordinary abilities might not be enough."

The Batcycle arrives at the lair first, showing Price having the time of his life, though wouldn't anyone?
Batgirl: "No tricks."
Egghead (appalled): "Tricks? Oh, Batgirl, how could you suspect me of trying to trick you?"
So of course the Cossacks try to surprise her, so she immediately...moves the other way.
Batgirl: "The ambush is on the other foot now, Egghead."
Egghead (appalled): "You tricked me."

Batgirl also does some barrel rolls in between her smiles and her kicks, so Olga has to trip her with some caviar. They then tie her up.
Olga: "And now, my little pipkin, you will do for us saber dance with frosted swords."
Cue some intense tap dancing to Russianized Batgirl theme. RD desperately wants a clip of it from the mythical vault.

Thankfully, Batman could track the Batcycle's "radioactive spark plug" with his Bat-Geiger Counter. Yes, this one time, and not all the other times he could have followed her back to her apartment with it. That sounds shaky at best.
RD: "Where do they buy all this radioactive fuel? Is it Neutrons'R'Us? What is this place?"
Sneaking inside the Duo save Barbara's tap dancing by...turning off the record player. 

Olga: "Very sad we meet at funeral."
Egghead: "Your funeral, Batman."

Batgirl doesn't do much this fight as the stunt doubles do their thing. Egghead takes the opportunity to grab her and drop her into the tub of caviar. The Duo have to save her, allowing the villains to flee.

Batgirl: "They almost turned me into a human hors d'oeuvre."
Batman: "What a chilling way to die."
Robin: "Holy cold creeps. Leave it to crooks like them to think of a trick like this."
Batman: "Yes, that's to be expected, Robin. The concept of decency is alien to the criminal mind."
Batgirl: "And thanks to me, they've escaped."
Batman: "Perhaps crime-fighting is better left to the men, Batgirl."
Batgirl: "Perhaps not."
Batman: "But this isn't exactly women's work."
Batgirl: "But I'm no ordinary woman, Batman."
Batman: (Looking her lustily up and down) "Agreed."

 

Now originally this whole endeavor of Egghead and Olga was supposed to be a three-parter, tying in to their other endeavors of stealing the Samovar of Genghis Khan and, er, trying to hatch a dinosaur. So the episode would normally end around here with the Trio recouping as the actual ending would be the third episode of the villains fleeing Batman in a dinosaur outfit.

Instead we cut to Gordon's Office, where he informs the Duo they've suddenly arrested the whole group.

Off-screen.

 

And not even by the Dynamic Trio.

O'Hara: "It's lucky you had me surround that building once more, Batman. Olga and Egghead ran right into the paddy wagon again."

RD: "I did not think that was the worst episode ever, but that was by far the worst ending ever."

Gordon: "I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison."
Batman: "Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on  proper nutrition."
Barbara again walks in, this time in a nice lime green dress, having seen a green-gold car with "what looked like whiskers on its front fenders".
Gordon: "Sounds like Catwoman's Kitty Car to me, Batman."
This is the first we've ever heard of Catwoman having her own vehicle.
Catwoman: "And if I'm not mistaken, that arch-criminal the Joker was a passenger."
RD: "Seriously? The ending of the show keeps getting worse."
Robin: "Holy here we go again, Batman."
Batman: "I'm afraid you're right, old chum. If Catwoman and Joker have joined forces, it sounds like  there's trouble right here in Gotham City."
Narrator: "And how right he is! Trouble in a green fright wig! Trouble in a car with whiskers! More trouble than the Caped Crusaders have ever known! Coming up on our next episode!"

The Bros agree that with the split of the original three-parter, this standalone episode makes no sense. Or even any ending. It's especially a bad final episode for Egghead (and Olga). 

Only 11 more episodes remain for the show, including three new one-off villains.

Santa is returning to the Arcade to challenge all the naughty children.

Halloween sure has some weird costumes.

• Special Guest Villain: Egghead [3] (Vincent Price) [3]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks [2] (Anne Baxter) [3]

 

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Off-screen arrest by the Undynamic Duo.
  

Episode 109: Holy Costume!: September 25, 2023

How to Hatch a Dinosaur
November 9, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Cossacks, steal two pounds of Radium from the Gotham City Radium Center. Using it in their "Zapping Machine," they attempt to hatch an ancient Neosaurus egg, planning to feed the baby dinosaur a meal of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. Surprisingly, the machine seems to be working. But when the egg cracks, the baby Neosaurus is more than they can handle."
48 minutes

RD: Does Not Stand for Ra-Dium. Vince wants to bring back addressing ladies and germs, something possibly started by recent Louie, the Lilac Milton Berle. RD has to set up the "Halloween Balloon Gimmick" blow molds. 

On the airdate Rolling Stone started as a San Francisco newspaper. 

Narrator: "Morning in Gotham City. But a day that dawns brightly is no guarantee against darkening disaster!"

Egghead is once again exhausting his poor donkey as nearby a Boy Scout helps the little old lady across the street.  He and the Cossacks are going to the Gotham City Radium Center, which is of course in the middle of downtown. (Though admittedly, the police's general incompetence without the Dynamic Trio is worse than any potential meltdown.)

RD Junior didn't yet have to help little old ladies across the street in his scouting. He asked his father not to talk too much in giving a speech for becoming an Eagle Scout.

"Where is hot staff being kept?" Olga asks one of the Center's technicians. We know she is a technician because she is wearing a short men's dress shirt, fish net stockings, and no pants.
Vince: "I saw this and my first thought was "are there any openings at the lab?""
Technician: "Hot stuff"? I don't know what you mean."
Olga: "Ossip, sharpen little technicianski's memory with sword."
Technician: "Please, don't. I don't understand."
Egghead: "What are you doing, Olga? Light of my life, my little future wife."
Olga: "Forget rhymeski. She's hiding hot stuff."
Technician: "I don't know what she's talking about."
Egghead: ""Hot stuff" is Cossack translation for radium, my dear."
Technician: "Well, why didn't she say so?"
Egghead: "Well, I am saying so! Now, hand it over. We want 2 pounds of it."

Gordon gets called on the hot stuff, so he immediately calls the Batcave. (:12) The Duo are looking over the Batcomputer which for some reason is acting frisky.
Batman: "It's possible a supply of radium somewhere in the city has been moved. And as radio- sensitive as our machine is, it just possibly could be affected by that. And it's lucky that you and Batgirl found us, Alfred. Otherwise, Robin and Commissioner Gordon might not be too frisky, either."
I did not realize radium could radiate up to 14 miles away where the Batcave is.
He then answers the phone call. "The radium there is type number six, isotype 14, worth about $500 an ounce, Commissioner. The entire theft amounts to only $16,000, far below the usual scale of an Olga-Egghead caper."

After the titles the Duo are at the Office. 
Robin: What about the water supply, Batman?"
O'Hara: "Oh, that's a favorite trick of Gotham City's arch-criminals, Boy Wonder."
Unfortunately no thinks of calling up Egbert, who was a security guard at the waterworks. Instead Batman just suggests to be patient.
O'Hara: "Oh, I can just feel them radioactive gammas and betas crawling up on me right now."

Narrator: "And in the Gotham City Crime Central Library, Barbara Gordon has a weighty problem."
Vince doesn't think her orange dress was very good this time due to what looked like a very thick texture. As she tells her colleague Petula, she has a 10 pound rare book of paleontology that she has to personally deliver to Professor "Terry" Dactyl of the Museum of Natural History.
Barbara: "Paleontology used to be a hobby of mine."

The museum has a (well signed) 40 million year old Neosaurus egg which Barbara and the Professor look at. 
Barbara: "Aren't you afraid someone will steal it?"
Dactyl: "Steal it? Well, who would want to steal it, my dear? It has no commercial value."
Vince: "An egg that size? I would think you could have omelettes for life."
RD: "Maybe. They would be very old and crusty omelettes." 

Dactyl instead has a fossil to show her ("I can't wait,") and after they leave Eggy and Olga pop their heads out of hiding.
Egghead: "That young lady with the professor thought that I might steal the only egg-sisting Neosaurus
egg in the Western world."
Olga: "Is probably stale, Eggski, after 40 million years. Why bother to take it?"
Egghead: "You just leave the thinking to me, Olga."
Olga: "And me?"
Egghead: "You just look beautiful, my dear."
Olga: "Naughty Eggski. Sometimes you are such gallant."

Of course even outside the room Barbara knows they stole the egg, as she calls her father in his Office to tell him. The Duo, who are still there, leave to consult the Batcomputer.
O'Hara: "Think they can crack it, Commissioner?"
Gordon: "If they can't, who can?"
O'Hara: "Sure and that's the truth."

Back in the Batcave:
Batman: "I'm afraid we're not going to get much help from the Batcomputer, Robin. It can't go back to
prehistoric times. This is a problem for good old-fashioned brain power. We'll have to think it out."
He demonstrates this by literally putting a contemplative finger to his head.

Narrator: "While Batman and Robin puzzle over the problem in the Batcave, another mind works on the same problem at the Gotham City Library."
Cue a five second shot of Barbara in the Library.

Back in the Batcave:
Batman: "Robin, do you remember a Professor Willis Grimes?"
Robin: "That radiologist who stayed at Wayne Manor about six months ago?"
RD: "Is Wayne Manor like an Airbnb?"
This other professor (who is never seen or shown) wrote an article about irradiation in the Southeastern Regional Journal of Applied Radiology. Batman calls Alfred to obtain a copy.

Of course at the exact same time Barbara always wants to see the article, but unfortunately due to WWE style budget cuts the Library doesn't have the latest edition.
Barbara: "Who in Gotham City would have it?"
Petula: "The only person in Gotham City who subscribes to more periodicals than the public library is Millionaire Bruce Wayne."

Alfred calls the Batcave to tell them he has the article at the exact same time Barbara calls Stately Wayne Manor to ask for it. Alfred has to answer her too, so he does the double phone thing for a bit. The Bros laud him for the performance.
Alfred (to both): "The title of the article is: "Revitalizing Fossil Forms By The Use of High-Energy Radioactive Energy Sources.""
Batman & Barbara: "Thank you, Alfred."
Alfred: "You're welcome, sir, miss."

Robin: "You think Egghead plans to revitalize that fossil egg and hatch it?"
Batman: "Exactly, Robin."
Robin: "But that's impossible."
Commercials.
Olga: "You are going to hatch 40-million-year-old egg? It's impossible, Eggski."

Eggski is in fact going to thanks to his...Zapping Machine. (:26)
"We will have real live Neosaurus. Yes, our very own. We'll control Gotham City, and that ought to be  enough dowry even for you, Olga."
Olga: "And then finally, we can get married. You hatch egg, I will hatch wedding."
Eggski: "Egg-scelent, Olga. Egg-scelent. And think what those Dynamic Dimwits will do when they are faced with my Neosaurus. Did you know that the Neosaurus has 2562 teeth? Not counting wisdom teeth."
Olga: "What is such a creature eating, Eggski?"
Eggski: "Well, I'm planning a three-course meal for it, yes. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl. And for dessert, Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara."
Cue evil laughter.

The Duo obtain their Bat-Geiger Counter to try and track the radiation.
Robin: "Why didn't we think of this before, Batman?"
Batman: "We needed to pad out the run time first. Hindsight is often better than foresight, old chum."
Of course Batgirl has her own Bat-Geiger Counter which she attaches on her Batcycle as her theme plays. She almost crashes into the Batmobile while using it. The Trio agree to instead crash Eggy's plans at the lair.

Before any fighting can start, the edit has a very obvious shot of Victor Paul Robin. The villains throw a stuffed bear which appears back at its original location afterwards, but with its large diamond necklace removed. Victor Paul Robin suddenly has a saber. Batgirl continues to smile fight. But Egghead manages to get the two cornered.
Olga:" Wait a minute, Eggski. Where is malen'kiy Batushka?"
Egghead: "Batman? He was probably too afraid of me to show up."
Vince: "I don't think anybody would fear Egghead."
RD still finds him a better villain than some of the one-note (non-Joker) clowns in the show.

So Egghead zaps the egg one more time.

 

It hatches.

Into a ridiculously awful costume. 

(The fact that it was earlier used in Lost In Space doesn't help.)

Egghead: "Calm down now, little Neosaurus. Calm down. I'm your daddy. I hatched you. You wouldn't  wanna hurt your daddy now, would you? I'm your daddy. Olga and I are your friends. Aren't we, Olga? (Pointing to Robin and Batgirl) Eat those two! They're young and tender! Yum, yum!"

Of course it instead chases the villains, who all run out straight to the paddy wagon already waiting outside for them. 
Egghead: "Lock the doors, Chief O'Hara! Lock us in!"
O'Hara: "Begorra, I never thought I'd see the likes of him begging to be locked up!"

Robin: "If we attack it from different sides, Batgirl, we may be able to subdue it. Though personally, I  think it would rather eat peanut-butter sandwiches than Gothamites." 

 

Yes, it is in fact Batman in the costume.  

 

Batman: "It's impossible to hatch an egg 40 million years old, but Egghead didn't believe that. So I used his disbelief against him."
Robin: "But why, Batman?"
Batman: "Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them might have been injured. So I arranged for Chief O'Hara to have this building surrounded. I used my costume to (He roars) frighten them into surrendering en masse."
Batgirl: "What about that burst of radiation that hit the egg when you were inside it?"
Batman: "I was able to protect myself from the radiation by coating the inside of my costume with a thin lead shielding. And now that Olga and Egghead are safely behind iron bars, Robin, they should  have plenty of time to study their paleontology."

Batgirl is so let down by the turn of events that she leaves off screen in the five seconds Batman was talking to his ward.
Robin: "For once, Batman, let's follow her!"
Batman: "Well, Robin, with my head sticking out of this Neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary run-of-the-mill crime-fighter."

At the Apartment it's suddenly Barbara's birthday. Bruce, Dick, and O'Hara are there with her father, but not Alfred for some reason. (:37) She gets a call from a Skip Parker asking her to surf with him.

Narrator: "But what else is up at Gotham Point besides the surf? What else is wild besides the combers? Not that heartless hodad, the Joker!"
Joker: "With the aid of this little two-way hot-dog transmitter I shall shortly be king of the surf at Gotham Point! Hahaha!"
Narrator: "Will he? Will this green-haired gremlin take over the world of surfing, or will he wind up in the soup? There's only one way to find out. Watch the next episode!"
RD cannot wait to watch it. He plans to wear his surfing Batman and Joker shirt for it.

Vince: "It is brought up how Batman ever got in the egg and they never addressed that."
RD: "You know who could probably answer it? That professor that stayed at Wayne Manor."

Vince is off Anne Baxter's age by a quite off 10 years this time (She was 44, he guessed 34). Vince doesn't want to rate her due to her earlier (legendary) career and that Olga wasn't supposed to be a young maiden. So they give her 5 honorary Batpoles. 

So they instead (officially) rate the technician. Unlike Baxter, Pat Becker really didn't do much acting, all within 1967. She doesn't even have her age listed! She did go on to work on animal rights though, which is not a bad trade-off. They give her 8 Batpoles.

The King of Arcade came down to a victory in overtime on the bubble hockey table. Next for the Arcade will be early Halloween.

Bad News Brown once squashed a doughy guy that McMahon kept calling the wrong name. Jesse Ventura kept comparing McMahon to the jobber.

• Special Guest Villain: Egghead [2] (Vincent Price) [2]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) [2]

 

• URLs not taken: 1. HalloweenBalloonGimmick.com
• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Very nice, Egghead
  
• Screen Shares: 1. RD 
• Olga Time Outs:  1 (Real Quick)  
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Prop, eh, finds a way.

Episode 108: Holy Onions!: September 18, 2023

The Ogg and I
November 2, 1967
"Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks, team up to kidnap Commissioner Gordon. In exchange for his safety, they demand a ten cent tax for every egg eaten in Gotham City. Batman and Robin suspect that Olga may also be after the giant Samovar of Genghis Khan and use it to find a way into her hideout; however, it turns out that the Duo have been expected. While Olga targets Batman as her future husband, her cook prepares a wedding borscht which will contain Commissioner Gordon and Robin."
60 minutes

RD is Not Marrying Olga. I'm sure the current Mrs. Deal is relieved. Vince is sure McMahon copied Egghead's mustache. He tasks RD to make sure he doesn't do anything like that when he gets older. 

There was a total solar eclipse. The next one will be on April 8th and cover all of North America.

Narrator: "Gotham City on a fresh new day, which may be fraught with fresh new danger."

The scene follows from the previous week with a 6'4" Vincent Price as Egghead tries to ride a very small donkey to police HQ. This cues typical overreaction from the townsfolk. 

In Gordon's Office, he is annoyed his 6 AM roast beef sandwich isn't here yet. A man needs to eat while doing nothing at all! Egghead finally makes it inside to give him an egg sandwich instead. Gordon doesn't notice at first, almost giving him a small tip. When he does notice, Egghead stops him from immediately calling on the red Batphone with an egg gun.
His fellow villain for the day, the previously seen Olga, sits in a hot air balloon suddenly situated near the building despite being earlier seen on a horse. (Eastern European accented:) "You are taking short elevator ride with us!"
Gordon: "You two will never get away with this."
Egghead: "Oh, really, commissioner, I wish someone would write you a new line. That one is getting so tired."

Vince does not like hot air balloons. RD also doesn't since he does not like the sensation of slowly ascending. 

Only after the balloon leaves does O'Hara finally make it inside the Office. This despite Egg being left unimpeded to go from the ground floor all the way to the top. Or the other officers who should have been posted nearby for such a contingency. Or the hot air balloon that was nearby.
After standing around looking like a buffoon does he find a ransom note.
O'Hara: "Kidnapped? The Commissioner's been kidnapped?"

Immediately after that obvious exclamation Batgirl appears, on a "hunch" that something would happen. "Kidnapped? My fa... Commissioner Gordon kidnapped?"
O'Hara: "I was about to call his daughter Barbara. But she'd likely worry herself to death."
As compared to all the other times he would be in danger as an active police officer in a crime-ridden city.
RD: "What if he was dead? Are you not gonna call her?"

Immediately after that the Duo appears.
O'Hara: "Our fine police commissioner's been abducted, Batman. Out of this very room. Whoever could have done such a dastardly deed?"
Batman: "Very likely our arch-foe, that eggs-crable Egghead. And his conniving consort, Olga, queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks. (A reference to the actual region of Bessarabia within Moldova.) Rumor has already reached our ear that those two evildoers have joined forces, and in this town. That's why we're here. And it's not surprising that they'd start in this office and with Commissioner Gordon. What other public personage could demand more respect or be held for a bigger ransom?"
Robin: "Gosh, yes. Egghead knows he can ask for the moon and get it."
Batman also knows that he will make a call immediately...somehow.

In the lair, Gordon is subjected to the worst thing of all - celebrating Cossack goons dancing the Mamushka! (:19) Eggy asks Olga to keep the noise down since he's trying to make a call here, and he would be way too tall to join in on the squat dancing. 

Batman (answering): "Commissioner Gordon's office."
Egghead: "Oh my my, how your voice has changed, Commissioner."
Batman: "Never mind the bad jokes."
For an "eggs-change" Eggy demands an "egg-cise tax: one thin dime for every egg eaten in Gotham City."
Batman: "There's no way to keep track of them."
Egghead: "Oh, yes, there is, Batman. The entire Gotham City police force will be mobilized as egg counters and tax collectors. They will make it their business to count every egg that is consumed within the city limits and to collect my egg tax on each one. Otherwise, we'll mail the commissioner back to  you in a box. A pine box!"
Batman has no choice but to accept.
Robin: "Holy eggshells. In a few days, that would add up to millions. Couldn't we ask the people of Gotham City to stop eating eggs?"
Batgirl: "Wait a minute, Robin. If egg consumption in Gotham City were to suddenly decline, Egghead  might take revenge by harming Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Great, let's hope they kill him."
Vince: "That's not what he said."
RD added that line to make sure if Vince was paying attention and not being distracted by eggs. He wasn't. 

He was instead being distracted by AEW's contested ticket sales. 

To be fair he does tie this to government assistance helping to make accurate counts, so it would be feasible for O'Hara to help with counting eggs. He would do it far better than his regular day job. 

Also he has RD to help keep his mind focused on positivity even in wresting. It's how the two became friends after all! (:22 - 29)

But yes, O'Hara is to handle the egg tax while the actual heroes figure out what to do, although they would have to do it separately. 

O'Hara starts his task by going to a diner run by Alan Hale Jr. as the proprietor named Gilligan.
O'Hara: "A large milk and a hot pastrami."
Egghead (suddenly appearing): "Never mind the pastrami! Chief O'Hara would like half a dozen eggs! No, make it a dozen scrambled eggs!"
Unfortunately Hale would have to wait a few years to have another appearance with Egghead, as it were. At least it is certain that O'Hara would take longer than a three hour tour to have his lunch.

Meanwhile someone doing actual work is Alfred, once again meeting with Barbara in her apartment. RD wonders if he bought his own apartment there.
Alfred: "You have some plan to locate your father?"
Barbara: "Well, it's only a remote possibility, but at least it's better than nothing. My father uses a very  rare brand of aftershave lotion called Wellington Number Four. It's imported from Sumatra."
Alfred: "I know the brand. A former employer of mine, the Earl of Chutney, used to use it. If I  remember correctly, its ingredients contain a small amount of curry root which gives it a very pungent  aroma, quite unlike any other aftershave lotion."
Barbara: "Yes, the aroma is unmistakable."
However, she can't ask the Duo's help in sniffing around town for it, since it might reveal her secret identity. It's not as if she could have just said Barbara told her about this or something. 

The Duo meanwhile are at the Bessarovian embassy, though its ambassador has no idea on where Olga might be. "She'd hardly communicate with the embassy since the Cossacks have been at war with the legitimate government of Bessarovia for many centuries."
Vince: "With the names of these places it was starting to sound like a Marx Brothers movie."
Batman thinks Olga is going to make a move on the Samovar of Rufus T. Firefly Genghis Khan. "It's a symbol of power, Robin. Like the Stone of Scone to the Scots. Traditionally, anyone who possesses the brass samovar of Genghis Khan is the legitimate ruler of Bessarovia."
It's been brought out of Bessarovia for safekeeping in the embassy, perhaps replying on the protective prowess of Batman more than anything. The Dark Knight begins to formulate a plan. 

Narrator: "As night falls, the Bessarovian Embassy has other visitors."
It is Olga, taking the opportunity to overact as she tells her Cossacks to claim her prize. "Be careful you don't scratch my beautiful samovar or I will slice you to shredkis!"
The exit is helpfully samovar shaped.

After the commercial break,
Narrator: "The Cossacks and Olga take the samovar back to their hideout where it joins other collectors' items." (:40)
At least this time the black warehouse set has more decorations. 

Of course the Duo were hiding in the samovar all this time, which is placed next to Gordon tied up in a bird cage.
Robin: "There's the Commissioner, Batman."
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Batman: "I think he's trying to tell us something, Robin."
This distraction allows Olga and goons to rush in in order to gas them.
Olga: "Welcome, malen'kiy Batushka. Put the little mal'chik in cage with old commissioner! And drag  handsome to throne!"
Egghead: "Olga, you eggs-quisite diabolical genius. How did you do it?"
Olga: "By underhand trick, what else?"

Batman promptly awakens on a bearskin rug, which he reacts to in ridiculous proportions.
Olga: "No troubles, Batushka, or we are making shashlik out of little mal'chik and old commissioner!"
Gordon: (Mumbling)
Robin: "...Yeah."
RD is reminded of his time working with Kamala Jr. 

The ambassador enters and - shocker! - he's working with Olga.
Batman: "So you gave us away as a traitor to your country."
Ambassador: "Who is traitor? I am Bessarovian Cossack from little boy."
Olga: "Is true. Omar is famous magnificent Bessarovian chef."
Omar (putting on a huge chef's hat): "Thank you, Highness. And now I am making greatest Bessarovian borscht of my career! With special ingredients!"
Egghead: "No, I object. I'd like to kill them now. They're too tricky to play around with. Believe me, I know them. Now that we've got them, let's eggs-terminate them."
Olga: "Who is "we"? I caught them. Besides, I may decide not to cook malen'kiy Batushka."
Egghead (very pickled): "Don't tell me that you're falling for this cowled clown?"
Olga: "Maybe. Maybe not. We are seeing."
Egghead: "But you are engaged to me! How dare you two-time me? And especially with this caped creep!"
Olga: "How dare you tell me what to do? Me, Olga, queen of Bessarovian Cossacks."
Egghead: "Olga Shmolga! You'd still be washing dishes in that run-down Bessarovian restaurant if it  wasn't for me!"
Olga: "Be careful. Old Cossack proverb: "Open mouth is leading quickly to open grave.""
Egghead: "And don't give me any of your Cossack proverbs either. I say kill him now!"
So a Cossack hits him on the back of the head, knocking him out.

Olga: "So much for big-mouth. Now we can have malen'kiy talk, eh, Batushka? You find me attractive little, huh?"
Batman: "I'd find you much more attractive if you were on the right side of the law, Olga. This kind of life can only lead to trouble."
Olga: "Is better making love than sermons, Batushka. Otherwise you are going into pot with others. A little kiss maybe?"
Batman: "A little kiss not maybe."

She kisses him anyway as Robin and Gordon fall into Aunt Hilda's cauldron to start stewing. 
Batman: "Well, you are no longer in Bessarovia, Olga. In this country, the standards are different. You  should abide by our customs, not yours."
Olga: "On contrary, I am considering this place malen'kiy piece of Bessarovia. Here, we are following my customs. And my customs are requiring wedding borscht made from captured prisoners."
Batman: "Wedding borscht?"
Olga: "Of course, Batushka."
Batman: "But I thought you were engaged to marry Egghead."
Olga: "I am marrying both of you. Cossack queen is permitted up to six husbands. Oh, but do not  worry, Batushka. You will always be number one in my heart."

Thankfully before Batman can suffer the indignity of being...in a poly relationship, the horror, Alfred stops just outside the black set warehouse, having somehow tracked the perfume scent like a bloodhound. He notifies Batgirl on one of her walkie-talkies, and she quickly closes in.
She tells him to stay outside while she goes in, managing to enter just as Olga is about to gain two husbands. (Eggy: "It's worth playing second fiddle just to see Batman married.")
Cue the fight, where she joins in the squat kicks of the Cossacks while Batman handles a saber. Robin worries they are outnumbered. Gordon mumbles.

Suddenly Alfred enters, once more with his Marquis of Queensbury Rules boxing to knock down the wayward chef.
Gordon: "Alfred, Bruce Wayne's butler. What are you...?"
Alfred: "No time to explain now, Commissioner."
Olga: "Help me, Eggski!  You must do something! My Cossacks are falling like vodka bottles!"
Egghead: "So you admit you need my help, eh, Olga? I've been saving this little surprise
for just such an eggs-igency. These hens have been fed a straight diet of onions for the past six months."

Robin has his own saber while Batgirl has her own smile as she spins around. Eggy and Olga use the opportunity to throw their onion eggs which makes them...cry uncontrollably. This is apparently enough to overpower trained crimefighters, allowing the villains to run gallop away. 
Robin: "Holy crying towels, Batman."
Vince: "Bro, what if you just tuned in the last 30 seconds of this episode, what would you have thought happened?"
RD: "I would've thought I need to watch this episode every single time it's on."
The two know for sure Price loved doing this sort of stuff.

Batgirl: "At least you're safe, Commissioner Gordon."
Batman: "Yes, Batgirl, but is Gotham City safe? I'm afraid Gotham City won't be safe until those Cossacks are behind bars."
Narrator: "How right he is! Gotham City faces disaster with Egghead, Olga and the Cossacks on the  loose! When and how will it end? Will it end? Maybe we'll get an inkling in our next episode!"

As expected this was very much a fun episode. They look forward to the next one.

Rupert's Arcade will have the Halloween decorations up very soon. 

Samoa Joe in TNA had a questionable thing drawn on his face before he was kidnapped by ninjas while Yakety Sax played. 

• Special Guest Villain: Egghead [2] (Vincent Price) [2]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Olga, Queen of the Cossacks (Anne Baxter) [2]

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Blonde
• RD Time Outs:  1 (Real Quick) 
• Window Celebrity: 1. Alan Hale Jr.
   

Episode 77: Holy Survey!: February 5, 2023

All Star Family Feud: Gilligan's Island vs Batman (1983)
63 minutes

RD: Not One of 100 Surveyed. Give him the X.

As you may guess, this is something completely different from the regular television progrem. For one thing this was 1983. Recent college graduate Vince had just married. Teenage RD wanted to be Simon LeBon. This particular recording also has the commercials, broadcast from Cambridge, Massachusetts' own WLVI (Channel 56). 

First RD has to explain what Family Feud is. 

One of the other competing All Star TV shows was the timely Hawaiian Eye (1959 - 1963), starring Robert Conrad and being the first of its crime/procedural shows located there.

Competing for Gilligan's Island are:

• Alan Hale Jr. (The Skipper Jonas Grumby) being quite excited to be there with his hat
  
• "Uncle" Jim Backus (Thurston Howell III) seated due to a backstage injury
  
• Nataie Schafer (Eunice "Lovey" Howell)
• Russell Johnson (The Professor Roy Hinkley)
• Dawn Wells (Mary Ann Summers)

Tina "Ginger Grant" Louise was absent. So was Gilligan! (Richard Dawson gave an ending "Hello Bob Denver, wherever you are.")

Representing for Batman "as they are today" in one of those old photo settings are:

• Adam West (Batman)
• Lee Meriwether (Movie Catwoman)
  
• Yvonne Craig (Batgirl)
• Burt Ward (Robin)
• Vincent Price (Egghead) selling being choked by Craig

Dawson, wearing a huge bowtie, greets the Islanders first. To Backus: "I understand you wanted a stunt check for this show." He still keeps to his gimmick of shaking the mens' hands and kissing the womens' faces, including poor Wells three times to the point of actual kissing.

West (wearing teenage RD's glasses): "We're playing for World Vision. That's a...charity, that...helps...needy children...all over the world."
RD: "That sounded like a total scam."
They've already won $5,520, surprising RD with the low 2023 numbers of $16,500. To be fair, current Celebrity Feud teams playing for charity can win up to $25,000 in one day, so it is not that big of a gap. Though instead of Dawson throwing himself all over the women, it's Steve Harvey practicing his flustered face at some of the responses. 

West (introducing Meriwether): "Lee Anne Meriwether, one of the worst villainesses to ever walk Gotham City...and...Miss America at some point."
She meows in response.
Then there's the "young" Craig who gave "such humor on the set". Then there's "the taller half - I mean the tougher half of the crimefighting Duo". Then there's "Mr. Vincent Price, one of the most horrible people ever". 

Meriwether really gets into it, giving Dawson a kiss for each family member, then one from her straight on the lips. Dawson: "You have any more family members?" Unsurprisingly Craig is quite peeved out, giving only a slight peck and immediately wiping her upper lip. RD has to do math to find she would have been 46 then, five years younger than Dawson (and still looking good). He doesn't help things by looking under their table at their legs. 

Ward mentions his business across the border in good old Montreal, being rather timid for some reason. Dawson thinks he needs a fee for helping promote it. Dawson is believable when he calls Price the nicest guy on the planet. Cue Price messing around for fun by marking a lollipop handle's tip black for further charity (of a $100). But it's the other team who has a winning one.

The Bros have spent 21 minutes talking about 8 minutes of a half hour show.

Anyway. Give me West. Give me Hale. 100 people surveyed. Top five answers on the board. Name something people buy before boarding a plane.
Vince: "A magazine."
RD: "Food."
West: "A ticket."
That's #3.
Hale: "Dramamine." (Anti-air sickness pills.)
That's #4, so West chooses to play after Ward shouts "GO FOR IT!". 

Meriwether: "Luggage."
Strike 1. Dawson mocks her for this by pretending to carry clothes. "If you do this, people will be laughing at my jockey shorts."
Craig: "Insurance."
That's #1, worrying the Bros on what people were flying on. To be sure, people were also heavily buying it during the heyday of the pandemic.
Ward: "Souvenirs."
Strike 2.
Ward: "RATS!"
Price: "Something to read."
That's #2.
West: "A toy."
Dawson: "What?"
West: "For the children."
Strike 3. West gestures in confusion.

For their chance to steal, the Islanders guess candy or gum. That's #4, winning them $90 (for $190). Vince thinks they should have been disallowed for giving two answers. Gum was the correct response, but Vince knows they would have chosen candy. 

Cut to commercial and a man having a nightmare because he's missing Miracle Whip for his sandwich. RD loved it when younger. Vince still hates all kinds of mayonnaise.
Cue another commercial for National Enquirer, of all things. RD reenacts the narration. 

Backus is not leaving his seat for Round 2. (:29) He gets a buzzer at their table, as he is up against Meriwether. 100 people surveyed. Top seven answers on the board. Name the most relaxing thing you do.
RD: "Lay in bed."
Vince: "Sleep."
Meriwether: "Watch TV."
#4.
"Uncle Jim": "Make love."
Dawson would give some money for that response even if it wasn't on the board at #5. The Batmen choose to play.

Craig: "Take a hot bath."
Dawson salivates at the thought, which is #3.
Ward: "Listening to relaxing music."
#6.
Price: "There's nothing I find more relaxing than gardening."
Everyone is surprised despite it not being a bad answer. Sadly it's a Strike
West: "Sleeping."
Of course it's #1.
Meriwether: "I read Vincent Price's books."
#2, although I would have put Price's books exclusively at #1 if I could.
Craig: "Get a massage."
Cue Dawson again, though it's Strike 2.
Ward: "I'd go for a walk in the park."
Good answer, although it's not up there either.
Ward: "RATS!"

The Islanders' attempt "have a drink." Sadly it's not up there. #7 is instead sunbathe.
Dawson: "Yes, sunbathe. Then have a drink. Then make love. We'll be right back."

Cue commercial for Heinz 57 Sauce. RD found the smell awful.
No Nonsense Pantyhose goes completely 80s in its look. Wrote RD: "THIS IS SO HOT." Vince: "There were a lot of chicks, but there was one main chick." (The one with the short hair.) RD gives her 7.5 Batpoles. Vince gives her a "solid" 8.
Then there is a commercial for Benson, starring the dearly missed Robert Guillaume, who would later voice The Lion King's Rafiki. Of course RD has to retell his time he couldn't meet Rafiki on his banana break.
Speaking of stress with children, you can call the Parental Stress Hotline, assuming the image of a child laying in a prison bar style crib doesn't scare you off.

For Round 3 (:39) Craig and Schafer face off. 100 people surveyed. Top five answers on the board. Name something you bring into the bedroom for a day when you are sick in bed.
Vince: "Chicken soup."
RD/Craig: "Medicine."
Unfortunately that is not up there.
Schafer: "A book."
That's #2, so the Islanders get to play.

Johnson: "The telly."
That's #1. Vince reminds that the TVs back then were still barely a foot long and put on carts.
Wells: "Food."
#3.
Hale: "Bed tray."
Cue confused Dawson. Also it's not up there.
Backus: "Radio for some soothing music."
Not up there either.
Schafer: "Cards so we can play solitaire."
Ah, the 80s. Also Strike 3.

For their chance to steal the Batmen have tissues/Kleenex. A good answer - but also not up there. That would be a humidifier/vaporizer and a telephone. Neither had a vaporizer in their youth, only salves. And RD didn't even have Vicks! Now his wife has oils for that.

Round 4 (:44) has "Robin vs. the Professor from Gilligan's Island." RD: "I've always wanted to say that." 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name an actor or actress who is also a political activist.
RD/Vince: "Ronald Reagan."
Johnson: "Jane Fonda."
Top answer, so they play.

Wells: "Paul Newman."
#3.
Hale doesn't have anything, just some almost submitted babbles of confusion. A non answer is an automatic Strike (usually when the time expires in normal matches).
Backus: "Ronald Reagan, and God bless him."
#4, and confirming for certain his views. And I'm sure Howell was a conservative too.
Schafer: "Ed Asner."
That is #2, giving them the clean sweep of the board and the win. Batman and company will still play tomorrow against Lost In Space, a show that RD hasn't seen yet.
Wells and Johnson will go for the Lightning Round/Fast Money, giving Dawson an excuse to uncomfortably hold and kiss her to lead into the commercial break.

SPEAKING OF WOMEN, here's advertising for Woman's Day magazine about the "shock of rabies" and 200 calorie cheesecakes (which is even more of a shock if it doesn't involve NutraSweet).
This is followed by (Madge's) Palmolive dishwashing liquid that's soft on hands as demonstrated with a very tiny bowl.
Then there's a commercial for Fab fabric softener with state of the art computer graphics of drawn static electricity.
Then SPEAKING OF NutraSweet, there's something for sugar free Jell-O, which was never really my thing regardless of content. 

Wells is up first for another kiss, her fifth today. (:50) She has 15 seconds (now 20 today) for answering five questions. RD will also go first for the purposes of this progrem.

• Name a foreign country that sex symbols come from. RD: "France." Wells: "Italy." 22 (of 100 surveyed) also named that.
  
• An animal big game hunters hunt. RD: "Elephant." Wells: "Deer." Somehow that gets 17.
• A fabric evening gowns are made of. RD: "Silk." Wells: "Chiffon." 12.
• A position on a baseball team. RD: "Catcher." Wells: "Pitcher." An obvious #1 with 47.
• A chocolate food. RD: "Chocolate bar." Wells: "Hot fudge sundae." 2. 

This all adds up to an exact 100, halfway to the 200 needed which Johnson needs to get (despite not getting any kisses). He gets 20 seconds (25 today). He also moves around randomly during his part, which Dawson notes he did on the last show.

• Name a foreign country that sex symbols come from. Vince: "Sweden." Johnson: "France." #1 answer at 35.
  
• An animal big game hunters hunt. Vince: "Lion." Johnson: "Tiger." 9. Vince's was the #1 answer.
  
• A fabric evening gowns are made of. Vince: "Cotton, probably." (He can't choose silk since that was a repeat answer.) Johnson: "Silk." 12. #1 answer at 37.
• A position on a baseball team. Vince: "Outfielder." (He can't pick Catcher or Pitcher.) Johnson: "First Base." 10.
• A chocolate food. Vince: "Cake." Johnson: "Cake." #1 answer at 54, pushing them over 200! This calls for a celebration, brought to you by...

Nuprin Pain Relief Formula, with this marvelous ingredient called ibuprofen.
Once you feel better you can polish and wax your surfaces with Endust.
And after you clean your house you can go back to school with some horrendous clothes from JCPenney. 

One last return to the game show. Batman's total is now $5,705, while Gilligan's has $10,970. RD still doesn't like the low numbers. Everyone shakes hands and celebrates. 

Vince feels like Abe Simpson yelling at the sun because they don't have things like this in the current day. "What happened to all this stuff? What happened?" He also feels for the actors who had negative thoughts about being typecast in those roles (except for Price, who has definitely transcended his genre even now). On the other hand, as RD notes, there is a rebound now with people now recognizing and celebrating the actors and their roles, no matter the situation.

RD wants to eventually do the next day's show with Lost In Space. 

Remember when Wardlow beat up 20 men and potentially dashed his chances beyond his control? 

RD and Rupert's Kids are doing their own Celebrity Family Feud thing in Shelbyville. He doesn't know if they will be facing Hawaiian Eye.

RD Dawson kisses Julie Newmar's picture on his Batman cup.

• SPEAKING OFs: 3. Great stuff, Hawaiian Eye, great shows
  

Episode 52: Holy Marbles!: August 7, 2022

The Yegg Foes in Gotham
October 20, 1966
"When the lease payment for Gotham City fails to be made on time, possession of the city falls into the hands of Egghead. Chaos ensues as the villain fires Commissioner Gordon and bans the Dynamic Duo from city limits. While the criminal underworld enjoys free reign, Batman and Robin search the city charter's fine print for a solution."
54 minutes

RD: Not an Indian Giver. He was not booked to go to Starrcast. Vince: "Interesting." RD also didn't subject himself to Ric Flair's "last" match due to being soured by his other last match in TNA 12 years ago.  

A "yegg" is an old term for a burglar or safecracker, though no one knows where it originated from.

Gordon and O'Hara have "egg on their faces", as opposed to all the other weeks when they have egg on their faces as the Duo have to do "their weekly call". RD: "Is there really a point to the Gotham City Police Department at all?" Vince thinks it's more than just weekly. 

Vince remembers watching All In The Family when it first aired and it actually had a warning. He recently found and bought a matted poster of Archie Bunker for $8, but couldn't share it on social media for fear of backlash. RD jokes to replace one of the 200 self-portraits in his studio. 

Eggy looks pleased as punch as wacky sound effects and lights flash while he has Bruce in his contraption. He's so engaged with the spectacle he doesn't notice Dick...just get up and move a giant switch to step down the voltage. This of course reduces the operational capacity makes the whole thing blow up. 

Meanwhile Bruce confounds the parts of the machine that still work by...thinking of something else entirely. Eggy: "The man has a mind full of trivia, it's inconceivable that he could be Batman." This is something RD would do if he were in a similar situation by thinking about WrestleCrap. Although don't you need trivia or information to function as The World's Greatest Detective?

With a "how egg-xotic!" Eggy pulls out a radar egg. ""The slightest vibration will make it egg-splode!" he says while putting it in front of his mouth, allowing he and his goons to escape. The prisoners escape by jumping up a pole and shimmying, even the two other millionaires. 

Bruce sees his peers off, then rolls a grape like a marble to blow up the egg. "The age of 11, I was junior marbles champion of Gotham City."
Dick (in awe): "Even then."
I wonder what his parents thought of that accomp - oh. I wonder what Alfred thought of that accomplishment.

The Undyamic Duo are at the City Hall, appalled at the lateness by three minutes of the three millionaires. (:16)
Screaming Chicken: "You'd better believe it, buddy!...You no show up. Me now ownum Gotham City and all suburbs. That is the way the wigwam watusies."

The Mayor is at Gordon's office, explaining the deal is legal despite a kidnapping. 
Gordon: "There's no more law in Gotham City. We're all at his mercy."
RD: "Does this mean Gordon is unemployed?"
Instantly Eggy shows up to fire him.
Batman suggests to "just give him enough rope and let him be hoist by his own petard."
Eggy is the Chief's Chief Emissary and with control over the city. "Egg-spletives will get you nowhere, my cowled crimebuster!" He then fires the Mayor and Undynamic Duo, and egg-spels the Caped Incompetence from the city or they will be egg-secuted. 

The Co-Bros have trouble writing down all the Egg puns.

Batman: "We are witnessing a new low in community relations."

Cue the Duo leaving with the native Batman theme.
Robin: "This is the saddest day of my young life, Batman."
Batman: "What will be, will be."
Robin: "Goodbye Gotham City, you were my kind of town. "

At the Batcave Batman decides to steal the charter as their civilian selves to investigate it for any loopholes or fine print. RD wonders why they don't just use the Batcomputer. 

Cue Gotham City becoming post-apocalyptic overnight. The police are not allowed to arrest the goons on crime sprees on Commissioner Eggy's orders. One of the officers is played by Ben Alexander who was on Dragnet and manages to say a "just the facts, ma'am."

At Stately Wayne Manor they watch the Eleventh Hour News at 3 pm. The news anchor reports on the crimes of the day as goons rob him on camera. 

Bruce and Dick manage to get to the charter back at City Hall. Bruce just breaks the glass to steal it.
Eggy is at Gordon's desk thrilled at the theft knowing the Duo are "back" in town. "When we capture the caped crime crushers, we will remove their masks and egg-spose their faces to the public. Then they'll be out of business. [to the camera] I wonder who they are?" 

Vince remembers when KISS was first un-makeuped on MTV in 1983 and he saw Gene Simmons as "a fat Jewish guy" (his words at the time). He wonders if there is a point or reason then to unmask the Duo. RD is following the recent Harley Quinn series where Joker finds the whole thing ruined once he finds out who Batman is.   

The Duo leave out the back and run into O'Hara who asks for Batman. "Commissioner Egghead wants him shot on sight, so if you can point me in his direction so I can shoot him?" 

Sure enough back at the Batcave the charter fine prints that no one with a criminal background can claim the city. Bruce: "we've got that criminal by his large, grey, double A head!" They know that $30 million in taxes has been collected at the Treasury or "Egg-schequer", waiting for Eggy to claim it and/or await the Duo.  

Sure enough Eggy and goons are there happily counting the tax eggs-xempt cash and making it rain. (:32)
Only now does Screaming Chicken find out that they may not be on the level. "Me think you all crooks! Me go tell Mayor!"
Eggy: "You are the Mayor!"
Vince: (reading) "We get eggs-xalted chief and we get he wants to eggs-xpedite matters."
RD: "That was eggs-xcellent Mr. Russo."

The actual Mayor (Linseed) is with Gordon and O'Hara at his office complaining of his plight at Batman and Robin enter through the window to report their finding. RD wonders why they didn't just go directly and call while on the way.
Gordon: "Call them the Dynamic Duo. The Caped Crimefighters. The Foes of Felons. Call them what you will. But thank your lucky stars we can call them... [to the camera] ...our friends."

As the Duo rope climb down Robin doesn't think Batman is moving fast. Batman: "In good Batclimbing, as in good driving, we must never sacrifice safety for speed."

A Hispanic man pops his head out of the window. "Who may I ask are you two nice people climbing down the side of this building when the elevators are available?" He's on jury duty and asks them to leave behind the rope for a "hung jury".
RD doesn't know this one but Vince does, as comedian Bill Dana's character of José Jimenez. 

The Duo arrive too late at the Treasury, finding only the tied up Chief instead of any money. Eggy and goons are attempting to flee to "lay high" in Venezuela.
Batman: "I think you've been led down a primrose path."
Screaming Chicken: "My face is so red."
Even Vince shakes his head. 

Batman tells Robin to inform Gordon to block the city exits before they...return to the Batcave. Robin takes the opportunity to be proud of their fellow townsfolk for forgiving the Chief.
Batman: "Most people are good. Chief Screaming Chicken was wooed from the path of righteousness by some extravagant promises. It's a human failing that all of us are subject to at one time or another, but that is water over the embankment."
They determine through Eggy's diet of only grade triple A white eggs that he is stocking up at Old MacDonald's Chicken Farm. 

Eggy wants the owner "eggs-pressing your appreciation" despite not paying eggs-xorbitant prices for it. They plan to escape via the not eggs-punged severs.
Batman: "Just the right place for a rat like you!"
Robin: "The only place you will be going is up the river!" 

Cue egg fight. There is an unverified story that Price was to just throw one (1) egg at Ward, but due to some sort of dispute he instead threw dozens at him (and his stunt double). They are accompanied by Eggy's off key theme and a very bad version of Old MacDonald. A victorious Batman promises to compensate for the eggs "at the current market value" but no more. He's not a multimillionaire made out of money or anything.

Eggy: "Woe is me, my criminal career is now egg-stinct!"
Robin: "You're going to end up where all broken eggshells end up: in the garbage!"
Batman: "Miss Bacon, I'm puzzled why a girl of your obvious breeding, education, style, and class should become involved with someone like...Egghead."
Bacon: "I guess I'm just lucky, Batman. Is this the end of the book, Eggy-pooh?"
Eggy: "The end, period. I guess I laid an egg."

Vince finds it unfair that Miss Bacon was fully covered as "a strikingly handsome young woman" so he gives her 7 Batpoles. RD found her bland and "spectacularly unspectacular" but gave her 6.5. Actor Gail Hire only had one movie appearance before the role, and absolutely nothing thereafter. 

In Gordon's office he owes the Duo another debt for their work by helping round up the rest of the criminals. Robin: "The police of Gotham City are the best anywhere." Then the Duo just leave, ending the episode. 

As expected the Co-Bros greatly  enjoyed the story.

They then talk about the wrong episode of next week.

RD will now show Vince all about Cheatum for Patreon.

But first Vince has to run off to the bathroom.

• Special Guest Villain: Egghead (Vincent Price)
  

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Pull the lever, Dick.
• Window Celebrity: 2. Ben Alexander, Bill Dana
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Spectacularly unspectacular
• Eggs: Hardboiled
  

 

Episode 51: Holy Bill Of Rights!: July 31, 2022

An Egg Grows in Gotham
October 19, 1966
"Egghead steals the Gotham City charter. He finds a loophole that could give him control of Gotham City if descendants of the original founding families (including Bruce Wayne) do not pay nine raccoon pelts to Chief Screaming Chicken on time. Not only is he interested in stopping the payment, but Egghead believes he also has a lead on Batman's true identity."
67 minutes

Vince has been looking forward to his favorite villain in the show. RD: Me No Know Either, does not also know it's a reference to A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. 

The original airdate of October 19th (1966) is also the birthday of Jon Favreau, who also directed the live animated action The Jungle Book. Vince is a huge fan of his. SPEAKING OF Marvel, they had an earlier Egghead of their own at this time, most commonly fighting the Avengers. DC's was another original for the show.

Narrator: "A sunny Wednesday morning in Gotham City. The sort of Wednesday that makes you wish it were Sunday."

Among the items on display in Gotham City Hall is its official charter, which proves a popular sight to the tourists and the ten foot tall Egghead just walking among them. His woman Miss Bacon questions its protection from theft before Egghead steals it and gasses the place with a placed egg.

Eggy: "Eggscelent. I might even go as far as to say: eggsquisite."

The Co-Bros try to make sure that the Egg-style is to symbolize his supersized brain and intellect.  

In Gordon's office he wonders how on earth such a crime could occur just by letting a villain walk in without anyone stopping him. He is also confused by why he would steal "Gotham's most priceless procession".  

Vince: "I'm just saying once a criminal doesn't necessarily mean always a criminal."
RD: "On this show it does."
Vince: "...yeah that would be true."

Alfred picks up the phone with another eye roll. Bruce and Dick and bra-ed Aunt Harriet are in the family room 'fondling dead animals'. Bruce tells his ward that the city was founded by three families: the Savages, the Tylers, and the Waynes, on land on Gotham Rock leased from the Mohicans for nine raccoon pelts every five years. RD thinks it's just cover for the typical colonization takeover of the native land. 

(Also of note are that the Mohicans, as Eastern Algonquian, have historically been a northeast/New York based tribe, which fits better to Gotham City being in New Jersey than as the west coast locale its portrayed as here. As you'll see though this is the least of their mischaracterizations in the story.)

For this payment Bruce (Wayne) with Pete Savage and Tim Tyler are to make the delivery to one Chief Screaming Chicken. He got his skins "from a very popular crooner from the 1920's who had fallen on hard times." Vince believes he's referring to Rudy Vallée, who would get his revenge by appearing later on the show as a villain. Alfred tells him he has a "contract to be read".
Harriet: "Those two are so busy, I'll wager Batman and Robin don't get around as much as Bruce and Dick."
Alfred: "I rather doubt that, madam."

Gordon: "Bad news, Batman! Egghead is back with a carton full of crime!" (:19)

At the office:
O'Hara: "He's a tough egg, Batman, the smartest man in the world."
Robin: "The second smartest man in the world."
O'Hara: "Present company excepted, of course."
Batman: "The Gotham City charter; aside from its constitutional edicts, its purpose is to act as a treaty between the Mohican Indians and the Founders."
Robin: "Holy bill of rights! Maybe Egghead wants to start a war between the Gotham City citizens and the Indians!"
Batman: "I rather doubt it, Robin. There's only one Indian left, he'd be outnumbered ten million to one."
He thinks Eggy will just focus on the leasing conditions, perhaps with a deal with Pete and Tim. Pete spends most of his time between Gotham and Paris as a "bon vivant" (since it's a French term you see), and Tim is currently at Tyler Stadium watching his baseball team play the Mets Pets. Speaking of pets, RD first met Bryan Alvarez when he interviewed him for Penthouse.
Gordon: "That leaves only Bruce Wayne."
Robin: "I wonder where he is?"
Batman: "Unquestionably out doing something inconsequential with his youthful ward Dick Grayson. You know how those millionaire playboys are."
They then go off to meet Screaming Chicken. 

Eggy's lair is the Ghoti Oeufs Caviar Company with egg styling all over the place to match the puns and his goons Benedict and fully Caucasian Foo Yung. Vince does not want any slander from RD on his eggsxecutive secretary Bacon. For once he finally remembers Pauline's name. Also Eggy is totally having things over-easy with her. 

Upon eggsxaming the charter, he finds that defaulting on the pelt paying will revert ownership back to the Mohicans. "We've caught them with their eggspost facto down!" 

Cue eggs-plicit close-up as Eggy stares at the camera before we cut to Screaming Chicken's "Roadside Teepee", with servings of that Mohican staple: blintzes. The Batmobile pulls up as a Native American version of the Battheme plays. Then Batman and the Chief do a greeting ritual handshake that is as bizarre as it is stereotypical.
Screaming Chicken: "You only person in Gotham City know traditional Mohican greeting."
Batman: "I've long been a student of your tribal customs."
The Chief asks for an increase to 12 pelts, which would make sense if we are adjusting for new exchange rates and inflation.
Batman: "CONTRACT'S FOR NINE!"
Screaming Chicken: "Indian poor businessmen. My cousin sell Manhattan for 24 dollars. Could have got 35."
But he will be at the ceremony later today.
Batman: "Ciao Chief!"
After the Duo speed off Eggy and goons emerge from hiding. The Chief will still stick with the old deal unless it is not honored or he gets a "highest bidder".
Screaming Chicken: "You make mighty big talk, kimosabe."
Eggy: "Kimosabe? What does that mean?"
Screaming Chicken: "Me no know. Me hear on radio. Very old word."

(In case it wasn't obvious, Screaming Chicken is not originally indigenous in any sense of the word, unless you count when he played Roaring Chicken on F Troop.)

Back at the Batcave Batman wonders where the lair is. This leads them to Ghoti Oeufs; fish spelled phonetically as a joke, eggs in French: caviar. (:35)

Cut to the lair where Screaming Chicken is already. He signs a deal with Eggy for $100 a month and all the eggs he can eat.
Eggy: "I have great eggspectations for our relationship, Chief. I'll tell you what I'll give you as an added bonus: you may have the import eggsport concession for all genuine American Indian blankets made in Japan."
Screaming Chicken: "Oh, you are one heck of fine pale face. You no Indian giver."

The Duo's stunt doubles get inside just as Eggy wants to take a nap.
Batman: "There'll be no rest for the wicked today, Egghead."
Robin: "Boy, do you guys have egg on your faces!"
Batman: "All the king's horses and all the king's men won't be able to put you together again."
Cue Eggy's stunt double doing an awful job in an otherwise alright fight. Robin gets overwhelmed and the Chief pulls out a large machete.
Screaming Chicken: "We give Boy Wonder very short haircut."
Batman: "You chicken...turned chicken?"
Then Robin breaks free.
Batman: "You put all your eggs in one basket, Egghead, a fatal mistake."
Robin: "Prepare yourself for an eggspeditious defeat."
Batman: "That's very apt, Robin."
Robin: "Oh, glad you liked it."
Eggy: "The yolk's on you!"
He throws a laughing gas egg to cover their escape, leaving the Duo rolling on the floor laughing: "This is even funnier than the Joker!" This is despite his not yet using any (signature) gas so far.
Batman then gives Robin "sad pills" that he just seems to carry around everywhere for some reason. I could see him doing such a thing in today's stories when he needs some angst to remember his parents or something. RD thinks he took some from Miss Patrick's confiscated drugs.

Back at the Batcave:
Batman: "That poor misguided Redskin! He's obviously under Egghead's influence!"
He calls Pete's number from memory astonishing Robin with a reference to a girl he and Pete once dated. Pete responds with a French accent as he is held at gunpoint by Eggy's goons who just happened to be there.
Batman then calls Tim with a regular remembered number.
Robin: "ZOWIE! You're a whiz Batman! You remembered someone's phone number! When's the last time you called him?"
Batman: "Yesterday."
Tim is being held at acid egg point by Eggy as he answers. "What do you want from me, Egghead? I am just a poor major league baseball-team-owner."
Bacon: "How 'bout season tickets? I love halfbacks."
Eggy: "How eggsasperating."

Back at Stately Wayne Manor Bruce and Dick look their best in tuxedos while Harriet forgets to wear a bra again. When Dick wonders why Screaming Chicken would work with Eggy, Bruce relates how the Chief was once a bottle-washer who faced racial discrimination. They then get into a limo driven by Eggy wearing an egg earpiece who gasses them.

At the lair Eggy tells his captives that he doesn't want them or the ceremony to go through...but also because of something else. (:49)
"Long ago my superior intellect deduced that Batman must be a person who was a millionaire and didn't have to work, because crimefighting is such an eggspensive hobby.... All of you are approximately the right age, in your early thirties, but I have eliminated you, Mr. Tyler, because you are left-handed. No, the Caped Crusader is not a portsider. And you, Mr. Savage, are out because of your accent. So aside from a couple of aging rock-and-roll singers, you, Mr. Wayne, are the only Gotham city millionaire who is athletically inclined with eggsessive agility. Therefore, you must be Batman!"
Weirdly despite this brilliant Hugo Strange level of thinking, he doesn't consider that his ward Dick Grayson may therefore be Robin. He probably discounted him and his bad memory or something.
He has Bruce in an "electro thought transferer" that he borrowed from his guest appearance on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.. It will separate the yolk of memory from the white of the brain to take for his own, wiping it clean after use. RD thinks the Riddler used the exact same idea for Batman Forever.

Narrator: "How diabolical! How inhuman! How eggscruciating! Will the world's greatest criminal mind eggstract the true identity of Batman? The eggsplanation to these and other electric questions tomorrow!" 

RD remembers how Batman eggscapes from this one and it would be something he would do in a similar situation. 

Vince finally noticed RD had his beard shaved (by Mrs. Deal) for charity. (:57)

RD GIFed John Tenta getting stuck between two rings.

On McMahon's "retirement" the two believe he is in the throes of extreme mental decline, which while painfully obvious for his case, is still a horrible state for anyone to be in. (:63) RD expects small gradual changes so as not to further disrupt the public's confidence and thus investment in the company.

• Special Guest Villain: Egghead (Vincent Price)
  

• Screen Captures: 1. RD
• RD Time Outs:  1 
• Eggs: Scrambled