Louie's Lethal Lilac Time
January 11, 1968
"Louie the Lilac is in town, planning to corner the lilac perfume market
in Gotham City. His concoction requires the glands of several animals,
so he kidnaps Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson to make the extractions. With
"Batman and Robin" unable to respond, Batgirl attempts a rescue, only
to be captured herself. The trio rely on their wits (and the latest
bat-invention) to attempt an escape."
45 minutes
RD: LOUIE IS THE WORST. Even more than Lord Ffogg?
RD: "Let me ask you this. Let's say Frank Gorshin came in, he was gonna be Louie the Lilac. Do you think he would've played it the exact same way that Milton Berle did?"
Vince: "Sometimes we gotta make chicken salad out of chicken you-know-what."
Narrator: "Ambergris Bay outside Gotham City, where the elite flee the heat."
Perhaps in an attempt to counterbalance the episode quality, one of the first things we see is Yvonne Craig bent over while in a sports bra and very tight tights.
RD: "I went back and did some research. It was rated five stars in the Batman '66 Observer newsletter."
Barbara is visiting Bruce at his big black warehouse on the beach.
Vince: "I mean, bro, they are, I don't wanna say on a shoestring, but they are definitely budget conscious."
RD: "No, they're wearing loafers. They don't have enough money for shoestrings."
Bruce needs to use this warehouse more, since Dick "needs a place to entertain his friends," whatever that means. Barbara is just there to help chaperone, whatever that means.
Sure enough Dick and friends arrive, but they're not yet in any mood to start the orgy immediately. He thinks they were being followed because they found some "soaked graham bread".
Bruce: "Soaked graham bread?"
Actually it's ambergris.
Dick: "You mean that stuff given forth by whales from which they make perfume?"
In so many words from Bruce: yes. (While Craig does her best not to corpse on camera at his delivery.)
Suddenly two goons appear for the "whale grease" under the auspices of Louie the Lilac, who is seen standing in a doorway. Cut to the goons saying more lines. Cut to Louie who is all of a sudden standing in a purple backdrop. The villains use this slipshod editing to kidnap Bruce and Dick.
Cut to Gordon calling Alfred in the Batcave to inform him on the kidnapping. Unfortunately "Batman is out of the city for a day or so" with Robin unable to be reached.
Alfredd: "I'm sorry if I appear a trifle upset, sir but any citizen of Gotham City would be shocked at such appalling news."
Unfortunately we don't see Gordon's reaction, which is certain to be him on his Office floor crying and shrieking and pissing himself in terror.
Louie's big black warelair is the Lilac Perfume Company with some big vats emanating pink smoke. (:10) Also in attendance is his lady named Lotus, who is to help him corner the perfume market of the city. "And the lilac soap market, Louie."
Louie: "The soap market too."
Lotus: "And the lilac cosmetics market."
Louie: "Cosmetics too. What do you need, baby?"
Lotus: "Well, I need scent pouches of a number of Abyssinian civet cats. The glands of as many muskrats as possible. And a large supply of beaver castor follicles. And the tonquin from a herd of muskdeer."
I don't know, these exotic ingredients sound more like she wants to corner the market of an MMO or two. Is Aunt Hilda not already out of prison/the monastery?
Louie orders his goons to get and get them and put them in the basement, despite their complaints that they have no idea what anyone is talking about.
Meanwhile Bruce, the man who would actually know what anyone is talking about, is tied up on the floor with his youthful ward.
Louie: "I hear you're an international sportsman and an authority on animals."
He demands he helps his goons with tracking the animals down.
[Checks earpiece]
I'm sorry, I'm being told he just wants him to remove scent pouches, rather than just have his highly intelligent men do that. I'm sure they too are international sportsmen and authority on animals (even if unlike Bruce they don't have any official titles).
Dick (whispering): "I'm trying to reach Alfred on my two-way transistor wristwatch. I seem to be getting a slight beep from the receiver, but the sender's dead."
Louie (showcasing above average hearing than most on the show): "What are you two mumbling about?"
Bruce: "Just passing the time of day, Louie."
Louie: "Let's hope the authorities pass over the million dollars I'm planning to ask for you shortly."
Bruce: "That's a high price for two average people."
Having managed to escape the scene, Barbara is once more in Gordon's Office. Her green dress is delightful enough for the man playing her father to feel quite a handful on her.
Of course the police have no idea where the Duo are. Instead they found "some filmed coverage of their most outstanding exploits" to play on their film projector. "Maybe we can find out some new crime-fighting techniques from it."
So yes, this is an excuse to pad the episode out with two minutes of clips.
Vince: "Theoretically, who was shooting that stuff?"
RD: "Exactly. "Here's Robin getting eaten by a clam. I'm just gonna film this while that happens. "Help I'm dying! Can anyone help me?" No, I gotta get this on the film!""
There's also Shame almost trampling them in a stampede, Mr. Freeze trying to make wild Frosty Freezies, and the Batmobile just...driving down an exploding minefield road (supposedly after King Tut, but it's actually an early Catwoman story.)
RD: "I've said a lot of bad things about this episode. I will continue to say bad things about this episode. The fact that they added in this other footage, this highlight reel, if they would've just done that for the whole 25 minutes, it would've been ten times better."
Bonnie calls to patch through one Mr. Buck, the director of the Gotham City Zoo, to tell him someone's stolen all the animals in Louie's quest log.
At Stately Wayne Manor, Alfred tells the gathered reporters he has no word on the Duo. "Mrs. Cooper is upstairs in a state of shock and I appeal to you to respect what is left of our privacy."
Somehow Barbara managed to get there during the two minute clip segment. (Although if I had someone around giving a bad touch I'd probably have been gone far earlier.) She just lets herself in through the departing reporters into the study on the excuse that all the phones are busy.
Alfred tries to cover the ringing Batphone with a cloth despite her easily hearing it (and even seeing it a couple of times).
Alfred: "The, uh, friendly ghosts of stately Wayne Manor play occasional tricks on one's ears."
She then reaches towards the Shakespeare bust.
Alfred: "NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT! I'm sorry, Ms. Gordon, but it's a prized possession of my missing employer, and, uh, in the distressing circumstances, I..."
Barbara: "Of course, Alfred. I understand. And those distressing circumstances are what I came out here to talk to you about. For reasons too numerous to mention, I strongly suspect Louie, the Lilac has kidnapped Mr. Wayne and his youthful ward."
Alfred: "Louie the Lilac? Did you tell your father?"
Barbara: "No. My father wouldn't take me seriously. After all, he knows nothing of my other identity. Maybe Batgirl alone can do something."
For some reason Craig looked rather exhausted and worn-down. RD wonders if they had to fire the makeup lady for their budget.
Narrator: "With Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson kidnapped and held hostage in the defunct fragrance factory, while Louie, the Lilac and lovely Lotus plot to pillage and plunder the world of perfume, give us a moment to untangle this trickily-tangled skein." (:21)
We get a shot in the lair to remind us that tied up Bruce and Dick have done nothing for half of the episode.
Cut to Barbara's Apartment, and Alfred is finishing his call where he somehow found out where the lair was. She goes to change in her room, only to find a maintenance man (named Gus).
Gus: "The people downstairs were complaining about the grinding noise up here. Did you know that this wall revolves? Apparently, it was built to do just that for a previous tenant."
Barbara: "I use it for extra storage space. Would you like to see it?"
Gus: "Sure. I'm a sucker for secret closets."
She hits the button for "Secret Batgirl Room, Instant Transformer" to show a regular closet.
Gus: "Well, I'm very sorry I surprised you, lady."
Barbara: "Well, it's not very wise of you. I keep several guns here. And an innocent maintenance man makes a pretty good target sometimes." (Emphasis mine)
They're the good guys!
Gus takes his hurried leave, giving Barbara the space to hit the "Secret Batgirl Room, Re-Transformer" now that this other piece of episode padding is done.
(To be fair, this was all also an excuse for an appearance by the actor Percy Helton, who was a very well known actor, especially in the 50s. This would all have been written with him in mind, regardless of its fit. In my opinion he would have worked far better as a villain of the week, but alas it was not meant to be here.)
Narrator: "So once again, Barbara Gordon begins her tantalizing transformation. And shortly emerges from her secret exit as Batgirl. Even as the Batmobile arrives in Gotham City during a passing shower, without a driver, which Alfred is explaining to his abducted employer."
Alfred is remote Bat-Controlling the vehicle, informing Bruce on his secret wristwatch. Meanwhile Louie has suddenly lost his above average hearing. Vince: "He's just very not interested in anything."
Meanwhile Lotus is making perfumes in the prop cauldron, the smells annoying the nearby goons.
Mrs. Deal thought Bruce's suit with an ascot made him look like Scooby-Doo's Fred.
All of a sudden Batmobile, Batgirl, and police all converge by the lair. O'Hara even brought his peashooter of a pistol, compared to another officer who has a giant assault rifle. Gordon demands Louie comes out over his bullhorn.
Louie: "I have my own bullhorn right here in my lilac boutonniere. One move to interrupt what I have
planned will result in the demise of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson."
During the stalemate Batgirl suddenly vanishes in the middle of talking face to face with the police. RD: "Did I mention the editing of this show was awful?"
This is because she tries to break in all alone by herself with her smiling kicks.
She is overpowered within five seconds.
Louie decides to put her in the hot oil vats for flower maceration to make her Cologne de Batgirl. Thankfully the prop, a glass case, is not too bad looking.
Before Louie can test the prop's effective further with whatever would be considered 'hot oil', Bruce says he will help with the "newly-perfected animal surgery" if it will ensure her safety. He asks for two glasses of warm water for the efforts. Louie decides to oblige his request.
Louie: "Batgirl dies anyway."
Lotus: "I was hoping you'd say that."
RD: "This woman is super duper evil and I love it."
Vince: "She might've been better to have been the villain that Louis."
RD: "Oh, she would've been a million times better."
Of course the goons just leave Bruce and Dick completely alone in a clearly empty room.
Dick: "Gosh, Bruce. Those muskrats and musk deer are sure musky."
Bruce has his newest invention: "Instant unfolding Bat-costumes complete with utility belts" that inflate in warm water.
Dick: "They're opening up. Like those paper Chinese flowers do when they're dropped in water."
And what a stunning visual effect! In one frame, a small piece of paper. Cut to the next frame and: presto! Batman and Robin fully outfitted! It's like magic!
Breaking out of their room with "Bathooks and laser but cutter" (offscreen of course), they make their way to the police out front.
Batman: "If you can loan us your shoulders, we'll break in the front way."
So they breach inside while Barbara observes while recovering from Louis' stunning invisible spray from earlier (or perhaps she's just bored, judging from her previous appearance in Stately Wayne Manor).
Seconds later in the fight she's suddenly swinging on a lamp without any in-between transition. She does have a slide whistle sound effect though.
Some lilac seed is spilled during the conflict, causing slippage: but only for the villains.
During all this Louie does his own bored observing. Perhaps he accidentally hit himself with his stunning spray.
RD: "God bless Milton Berle, and props to him for getting this. I don't know what on earth they paid this man to do these three episodes, but whatever it was, was a million times more than the effort he put into this."
Batman: "Tell me something, Batgirl. How did you get out of that vat?"
Batgirl: "With my Batgirl vat opener."
Well at least there was a line in the script.
The enemies subdued, the Duo go down to "get" Bruce and Dick and Batgirl vanishes.
Louie continues to just sit there bored observing. He vaguely threatens a return which thankfully does not happen.
RD: "On this show called Batman, Batman and Robin do not show up until 20 minutes in. They are in for less than three minutes. That's got to be a record that you don't want."
Surprisingly Barbara is not back again at the Office, though Bruce and Dick are.
O'Hara: "Well, another canny, colorful crook is in the clink."
Gordon: "And a tuckered-out police commissioner is gonna breathe much easier on his West Cape cruise. I think I've earned myself a little vacation, Bruce. And the department's in good hands with Chief O'Hara at the helm."
RD: "There are so many lies crammed into that one line of dialogue."
Bruce: "It's just that Gotham City is planning a civic luncheon in your honor next week. It was supposed to be a surprise."
Gordon: "I'll certainly try to act surprised at this, uh, surprise luncheon."
Narrator: "Commissioner Gordon won't have to act surprised at the affair in his honor. He's going to get the surprise of his life from that dauntless champion of women's rights, Ms. Nora Clavicle."
Nora: "He certainly is. Especially when he discovers he's EX-Police Commissioner Gordon!"
Vince found Lotus gets "ho-hum" 6 Batpoles (and guesses 34 years). RD gives her 7.5, mostly due to her great evilness. 33 year old Nobu McCarthy, daughter of the then Japanese ambassador to Canada, and once Miss Tokyo, was most prolific on screen in the 60s to 80s. She was more well known as one of the influential East West Players, and was their artistic director for four years.
Next episode is considered to be the worst in the series, although compared to some of the earlier stuff the Bros have their doubts. We shall see.
RD enjoyed writing about Goldberg and Sid Vicious having a very wacky feud.
- Special Guest Villain: Louie the Lilac [2] (Milton Berle) [2]
- Window Celebrity: 1. Percy Helton
