302 Rumble Mifflin: January 29, 2021

Whatcha mean I'm still Wrestlecrap?! I made you laugh, Brother!

94 minutes 

RD threatens to talk about wrestling. Blade wants to argue about Star Wars again. RD threatens him on his Big Announcement. [Wasn't it Midnight Rose's retirement? - Erik Majorwitz]

Blade received his Christmas gift from Jordan: A Hulk Hogan Rock 'N' Wrestling VHS tape and some grilled cheese and tomato cream puffs. (:15) RD's Miss Elizabeth card does not have a hometown listed, and he summons Popeye to heckle Blade before he can do any impressions. He then tries some White Chocolate Sugar Cookie M&Ms which are averagely bland. He thinks they should change the name to something more accurate.

:24 Something called a "Shaq Bowl" with the eponymous basketbrawler will occur during the Super Bowl half-time with the Miz and Drew McIntyre, despite him expected to also appear in AEW against Cody after cutting a sleepy promo against him. Blade can relate (to the sleepiness.) RD compares him to Rick Rude. But will they be fighting over bracelets?

Sad News: Catherine Bach is not on Cameo. Neither is Priscilla Barnes. Charlene Tiltin is though. So is Cheryl Ladd, who 8 year old RD once wrote to. Blade guesses Ladd at $150 is higher than Tiltin at $100. It's actually $199 compared to $40, a bargain at half the price.

SPEAKING OF Obscure Hall of Famers, the Undertaker said some stuff on Joe Rogan's podcast. Blade admits to getting drunk while carrying his own blade. (Ahem.)

Tony Schiavone tweeted about being in physical pain, perhaps from putting butts in seats. RD was stationary biking during the pandemic. Blade has been vegetarian for the past few weeks.

Jonathan Coachman vows not to return to WWE. RD doesn't believe him, remembering Bobby Heenan's words that refusing to return only makes Vince want you back more.

Madison Raine is retiring much to Mike Check's fascinating sadness (that they are also not on Cameo). (:44) For once RD breaks his own character laughing. Mike: "I don't think that's how technology works Brad." He still wants minimum wage Taylor Wild. He plays that one BJ Thomas song.

Mickie James is a fan of Trish Stratus' 'companions'. (:50) Blade thinks RD was stalking her: "I would have checked your passport if that was the case. ... Do you and Mike Check sit around and talk about who has the bigger microphone?"

Speaking of technology Blade had to find another Question on Facebook. He responds with 30 seconds of silence. (:56) David "TattooTrolla" Merlino gets an expected non-answer. (Not more silence?)

Neither wants to talk over the People's Court theme. Who would? (:56) This month, Robin Enrico doesn't mind Mr. America. RD lets Blade ramble before telling him that just because Blade liked it doesn't mean RD should also. Cf. Black Scorpion. Verdict: Guilty. RD thinks people should submit their audio defenses personally since Blade is terrible (as a human being).

Since it's that time again the two talk about their three favorite Royal Rumble memories. (:61) RD has Greg Valentine vs. Ron Garvin in '90, Hogan running into Warrior in '90, and Heenan commentating for Ric Flair in '92. Blade has Dino Bravo bench pressing in '88, Haku vs. Harley Race in '89, swimsuit Ivory in a swimming pool competition with Mae Young in '00, Honky Tonk Man returning in '01, Demolition in '89, Dalmatian Miss Elizabeth in '89, and Mean Gene feuding with cigarettes in '92. He can't remember who else was judging Ivory. To be fair, neither can most other people not named Dave Meltzer or Bryan Alvarez.

Ken Patera is on Facebook (and I bet not following McDonald's on there) but also not yet on Cameo. (:76)

RD takes credit for Jungle Boy's theme being Tarzan Boy.
Blade: "You were in your thirties."
RD: "Yes."
He also enjoys the piped in "holy crap" chants. Blade laments not working in 'AWE'.

The WWE Network is being sold to NBCUniversal's Peacock for one...BILLION...dollars. RD highlights the quality of the sale by putting Tekno Team 2000 over everyone on their current roster.

Seventeen Syllables:
Network on Peacock.
Yay, NBC with McMahon.
That's not what she said.

 

$1.00: $34.00 plus that $19.99 The Price Is Right 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 3. wrestlecrapradio.com, Patreon, Coasty Marshmellow
• URLs not taken: 1. CatherineBachinaDunkTank.com
• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Arguing, turning the channel
• Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 0.

 

• Phone Calls & Run Ins: 2. Popeye, Mike Check

 

• F-Bombs: 2. Blade, Blade (2)
  

 

• Mike Check Radio Row: 
• Station/Market:  N/A
• Radio Call Sign:  N/A
• Show:  N/A
• Song:  "Raindrops Fallin’ on My Head” by BJ Thomas

 

• Blade Time Outs:  3
• RD Time Outs:  1 (1 Wait a second)
• Mama's Broken Damn Damn Damn Dishes:  2
  
• Cricket Chirps:  1
• Krankor Laughs:  1
• RJ Fletcher, Yes Man:  1
• Weird Al Laughs: 1
  

 

• Crapper's Court
• Case brought by: Robin Enrico
• Case #002: Crappers v. Mr. America, allegedly Hulk Hogan under a mask. 
• Blade's "defense": Brought smiles to faces and brought back patriotism in a post-911 world.
• Verdict: Still guilty of WrestleCrap.

 

• Question of the Week from: David "TattooTrolla" Merlino
• Why haven’t Jinder Mahal’s puffy nips been inducted yet? No sold. 

• WrestleCrap 3 Count:  3 Favorite Royal Rumble Memories.
• RD:  Greg “The Hammer” Valentine vs “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin at Royal Rumble 1990, Hogan and Warrior stare-down at the 1990 Rumble, Bobby Hennan’s 1992 Royal Rumble commentary  (non sequentially)
• Blade:  Demolition Powers Explode at Royal Rumble 1989 #1 vs #2 entrants, “Mean Gene yelling about cigarettes (nee Honky Tonk Man Royal Rumble return), Miss Elizabeth Dalmatian dress. (née Dino Bravo Bench press challenge at the 1988 Royal Rumble) (Sequentially)

 

• Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: WWE Network finds a new home:
  Network on Peacock.
  Yay, NBC with McMahon.
  That's not what she said.
  

• Erik Majorwitz’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: The truth in figure advertising will set you free:
  
  “Weaponized” B. Braxton?
  Sadly, he doesn’t come with “blade”
  as illustrated!

269 Extreme Exposé Football League: January 27, 2018

Have any info on the whereabouts of the Rosati

Sisters? Call Robert Sack on 1800 876 5353.

82 minutes

Blade: "Happy Show."

RD is happy Old Man Vince is (attempting to) bring back the XFL. Blade compares him to his ventriloquist dummy. Maybe next they'll think of him as a cigar store Indian.

The two are threatening to go monthly due to some promised Patreon milestone. They are now (as of recording) 62% on the way to do fortnightly progrems. Remember when they used to do weekly shows for free? Ahhh how times change. RD calls for any drug addict listeners to help out and aid in the support. Blade would be a (horrible) maid for more funding, or so he says.

RD thinks they should explain their shows to newer listeners. Perhaps use a glossary? (:07) "It's kind of a variety show. If you're clicking on this and you think you're going to get for the next hour and fifteen minutes, hour and a half, whatever we run; if you think it's going to be non stop wrestling news and I'm going to be talking about the women of SHIMMER or what happened at Wrestle Kingdom 12? SPOILER ALERT! You're going to be very disappointed."

Promotional Consideration is paid for by...Mike Check! (:09) Blade makes him explain his "gimmick Brad". He then reads my ad copy for a change. Excuse me. The ad copy of a "mysterious benefactor" named Premier Blake. (Funny thing is that Mike Check promoted us here at wrestlecrapradio.com but not his own show that we produced. A little show called "The Mike Check Show?" --Raging_Demons) He sounds like my mirror universe counterpart. Does he have a goatee? Mike then complains about his own royalty checks. He was once in Macon Georgia as Bobby Peach.  "If you shake my peaches you'll see my cream!" was his slogan there. He leaves with Mary McGregor. Blade breaks out laughing.

:15 Gayle's Root Beer has a Peeping Tom dog, "Oh rudie!" and tastes like awful cough syrup. Blade does his disgraced former comedic icon impression. RD remarks how far ahead they were with him. It is also really remarkable how much of a portent he was leading to a bigger revelation of sexual crimes and the fallout from all that.

The Faxtrolla signals "nothing but the most obscure wrestling news imaginable" according to Blade. (:21) Christy Hemme who RD considers wild has given birth. The BabyTrolla cuts off Blade's catchphrase. Christy Hemme who RD considers wild has given birth. The BabyTrolla cuts off Blade's catchphrase. Christy Hemme who RD considers wild has given birth. The BabyTrolla cuts off Blade's catchphrase. Christy Hemme who RD considers wild has given birth. Blade thinks her short but RD discovers she's taller than his Patty and equal to his Mickie. "HeightChecker34" disputes that. "Sam Rick" had a video game one time. Blade thinks people should discuss and debate their heights. Also one of the newborns seems to has a double name. Blade does an Alabamian David Bowie.

Tammy has been discussed a hell of a lot lately notes RD. She's now on OfferUp as Tamara. Now with 50% less chance of nudes stealing! (:37) The listings include some love furniture for sale. Sir Alec reads one of her Facebook posts extolling her love for her new boyfriend...and rather creeping asking for a marriage. Oh well. (:42) Speaking of love Alec's been happy with Ellie of late. RD is temporarily stopped by laughter.

Blade called up an "associate" voice of his to debut Unsolved WrestleCrap Mysteries with Robert Sack. (Any relationship with Robert Stack is highly coincidental.) (:48) This week: where are the Rosati sisters? Perhaps they're with Cheatum. This causes Blade to burst out laughing. (Called the phone number that Robert Sack mentioned, call was suspended and did not connect. Then the line sounded like Blade's stomach at Taco Tico, growling for some odd reason. --Raging_Demons)

Chris McGinnis thinks the Boogeyman should have been more stealthy. (:55) Like me RD is not a big fan of stealth games. Blade is too distracted by 15+ year old bad movies.

Colliseum Video may return to WWE Network at a later date. Good news: without RD ejaculating. Bad news: potentially without the famous theme music. (:58) Blade remembers CV's parent company also released some X rated stuff which sadly he did not own.

The first ever 30 Women Royal Rumble is just around the corner. RD reads some names, including Mickie James. "Good to know." One possible woman contestant premiered at the same show as the Midnight Rose.

:67 "Three Count with RD & Blade" has a bad bell sound. The two think on which remaining three women will complete the roster. RD thinks it would be the Deever, Anonymous Brooke and Kelly Kelly - AKA an Extreme Exposé run in. Blade has Kimberly Page (who's been MIA, speaking of mysteries) (No mystery at all. SOURCES HAVE TOLD THIS reporter that Kimberly Page took out those breasts implants of her and is currently in Park City, Utah working in marketing and does interior decorating. WAIT A MINUTE! That's close by to where I live, kinda. --Raging_Demons), Daisy of GLOW who threw around a dead blow up doll of an opponent one time, and two of Scott Steiner's ladies.

RD got his Draft Queen voice back to cover the XFL (assuming it'll actually return). (:78) She still thinks Tim Tebow will make a comeback to football there when he gets tired of the glory that is Minor League Baseball with the Mets.

A seventeen syllable sausage casing of wrestling news:
XFL is back.
Not a good decision Vince.
Backwards lateral.



$31.00 plus that $19.99 The Price Is Right

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 3. Patreon, WrestleCrapRadio.com, Long John Silvers
• URLs not taken: 2. DustinHoffmanwithathong.com, Swingingfullnelson.com
• SPEAKING OFs: 0.
• Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 1. Jessica Biel’s backside

 

• Phone Calls & Run Ins: 4. Mike Check, Bill Cosby, Robert Sack, WrestleCrap Radio XFL Queen

• Mamas Broken Damn Damn Damn Dishes:  2
• Weird Al Laughs:  1
• Cricket Chirps: 2
  
• WrestleCrap Gongs:  2

  

• Mike Check Radio Row: 
• Station/Market:  N/A (Macon, Georgia)
• Radio Call Sign:  Bobby Peach
  
• Show:  N/A
• Sign Off: If you shake my peaches, you will see my cream!
• Song:  “Torn Between Two Lovers” by Mary MacGregor

• WrestleCrap Mysteries with Robert Sack: Rossetti Sisters

• Question of the Week from: Chris McGinnis
• Why did the Boogeyman always announce he was “comin’ to getcha!” Wouldn’t stealth be a better strategy to deploy?  Reminded one of Metal Gear (RD) and the other of Jessica Biel’s butt (Blade).

 

• WrestleCrap 3 Count: 3 Women to round out the inaugural Women’s Royal Rumble
• RD: Layla El, Anonymous Brooke, Kelly Kelly.
• Blade:  Kymberly Paige, Daisy, Big Poppa Pump’s Freaks.

 

• Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: Blade dishes on Vince reheating ideas:
  XFL is back.
  Not a good decision Vince.
  Backwards lateral.

 

Episode 7: Scrambled Bets: January 31, 2013

"The Old Friend"

28 minutes

Blade compares RD and himself to Ewoks. RD counters with the Holiday Special. Do you remember the time when Blade and Don called Hillbilly Jim "The Old Friend"? (:03) Heated discussion about "Vince's Limo Driver" follows.

Claire Lynch is your 2012 Gooker. (:06) Blade wants RD to meet the lady. RD enjoys proving Justin Henry wrong. Blade has a bad memory. You don't say.

"My Little Pattie" Trish Stratus is a HOFer. (:10) The two still argue over her hair. "Trish facially is hotter," Blade conjectures.

The Royal Rumble shot one person in the eye for some reason. (:12) RD recounts being injured in Trash's basement. Discussion about bootleg PPVs and wrestling hairstyles follows. Blade wants the "balding Barry Darsow" haircut.

Blade won his Pro Bowl bet, whatever the wager was. (:19) RD wonders if long snapping is a bettable stat. He also wants to replace the bet with one for the Superbowl, expecting the Niners to win despite a "mall punk" being their QB. Blade is confident his Ravens will break the Hobo Curse due to once being the Cleveland Browns. Or something.

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Hall of Fame week, which
  

• Super Bowl Pick
  RD:  49ers
  Blade:  Ravens
  

 

Episode 6: Pro Bumble: January 25, 2013

"Doggy Style" Miss Elizabeth

22 minutes

Blade wants to bite children like he's a vampire.

RD wonders of the possibilities of Disney buying WWE.

Blade is in another Troma movie. (:05)

RD has a paper plate in his house. He didn't have to pay $99 for it like one guy did. (:07)

Blade still wants to bet on the Pro Bowl despite RD's reservations. Blade is happy because a Lion kicker is on a team and didn't actually opt out. He recounts the time when Jonathan Coachman walked into a bar. (:12) Blade still makes a bet that his Lion kicker will do well which RD accepts, despite Matt Stafford looking like Susanna Hoff.

Blade still has to pay up for this season when the Lions once again lost to the Colts, so he has to wear an Andrew Luck jersey. (:18)

The Royal Rumble is also occuring on the Sunday. (:19) Blade still remembers Doggy Style Miss Elizabeth making his pants wet at '89.

RD: "I have nothing left to say."

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 4. Troma (2), funds, people donating 

 

•  You're Hurtin' Me, Randy!: 1

 

• Royal Rumble Memories
  RD:  No sell
  Blade:  Ms. Elizabeth as the 102nd Dalmatian at 1989 Royal Rumble. 

 

• Don...Don Muhlbach (NFC) vs John Denney (AFC)
  NFC 62 AFC 35 

193 Phoned In: February 11, 2011

70 minutes

This is essentially the equivalent of a slow news day, so in inspiration from my predecessor's earlier writs let's just cut to the chase and not dally too much. You have more important things to attend to today rather than just reading this, I'm sure. [And here I thought I was the only one who phoned things in around here - Clarence]

RD lost his bet so he has to read submissions next time. Lesson learned: don't bet on the Pro Bowl.

This is a real poster made by Hollywood(?).
Update 3/17: Already on Netflix!

RD was lazy (actual excuse: he was away for business), so in lieu of writing something for the site he has his first premeditated/premonitioned/prehumous/future induct of The Chaperone, literally copied from a post of forum member Bone Machine of F4WOnline (presumably with his permission of course.)

[Update 2/20: Apparently the movie did so bad it didn't even chart on the weekend's box office results.]

[Update to the Update 3/1: Apparently the film grossed less money than the asking price on a used Plymouth Horizon, but that's 'OK' because it allows Wal-Mart to sell their DVDs...] 

:13 Someone is auctioning a UWF/Mid-South ring. (Standing price at time of writing: $3700) Jim Ross is not happy.  Or perhaps he's not happy at The Chaperone? Or perhaps he wants to make his own Clerks movie? Or perhaps he wants to slap a Jap? He makes no sense. (This is a habit of his.)

:24 RD went back to the Netherlands for business and had strange Doritos flavors - Cool American, Japanese Teriyaki, BBQ Ham. His review of "The Mexican" Restaurant - terrible food at a terrible price. Blade's horrible John Travolta impression tries some Pizza Supreme Doritos. He does not like them.

:36 Hulk Hogan is reduced to shilling some cleaning product. You can use it to remove blood stains from your shirt, so keep that in mind the next time you plan to murder someone.

Sad News: Matt Hardy's new girlfriend is that Giants girl. Blade is not afraid.

The Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness (2) will be in a benefit appearance in Topeka.

Question (:47): Derek Quinn of the Powerhouse of Sound DJ Service remembers the 10 Year anniversary of Big Show beating RD up that one time.

:51 As expected the Mailman isn't here (he was caught in the snow). He did however deliver the news on Blade's 'answering machine', which has Kevin Nash leaving TNA for WWE again...more than three weeks ago. They're also selling Virgil's stamp, which is larger than normal due to his penis. The message 'cuts' off just before he can tell a fanfic-style story of said penis. That's Alec's gimmick, you know.

:57 The 40-man Royal Rumble was no good, so much so that some caller named "Stu Hart", apparently back from the dead, calls out his son Smith. Popeye likes what he hears. "What has this show become?" RD asks. "How?" Chief Jay calls in response.

Apologize with Seventeen Syllables:
Chief Jay, Honky, Stu,
Gay Popeye too: this show sucks.
Why do you listen?

$5.25 (Total: $17.50)

192 Ready to Royal Rumble: January 28, 2011

90 minutes

Blade was in an actual recording studio the other day. Presumably he had to wear pants while doing so.

The duo spend some time talking about/advertising this very site. I feel like a third/fourth sponsor now. I should get Clarence to send them some ad copy that RD would butcher while trying to read it. [Wrestlecrapradio.com: From Fantasy Booking Island to RD's Dream Analysis and all the crap in between. Every Wrestlecrap Radio archived and dissected for your entertainment. Plus Random Thoughts on Wrestling from THE Clarence Mason....or at least someone who plays him as a gimmick. It's the Crapipedia of the Internetz. Wrestlecrapradio.com. Yes it really IS taken (I really should write these more often) - Clarence]

The 2010 Gooker has been decided, and it is TNA's first: The New Monday Night Wars. Boy, that sure went well while it lasted, huh? Blade wanted Abyss and his Green Lantern ring and RD cheated by mentioning nominee Orlando Jordon in his writing.

There's talk of numbers in the upcoming Royal Rumble. RD wants defeated combatants to return to the ring but disguised in masks. But would the show handle itself well against the ratings powerhouse that is...the Pro Bowl? Here's a thought: combine the two outings: Have all the football players fight against each other in a wrestling ring. The winner gets the opportunity to be exempt from the next Pro Bowl.

RD (on Blade's 'soberness' at first): "You're doing good. I'm waiting for you to fall off the wagon."

:20 The show is "very amateurish". RD discovers Asian Helper, of the Helper genre of foods. Blade dreamed he met a still alive Tupac Shakur working in a fast food outlet. I bet RD would have dreamed about the Notorious BIG instead.

:24 Sid Vicious was arrested for marijuana possession. This of course logically leads to discussion about Spiderman and how Don once made fun of a comic book for some reason. Lizzie Valentine/Kandi Kisses turns down WWE. I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing.

Jillian Hall Tiffany and Maria want some sort of Divamania tour that is sure to bring fans by the...tens. RD reads their announcement about it very precisely. Then he does it in his Jeff Foxworthy voice.  Midnight Rose and Mr. Fitness (losing the #2 sadly) were wrestling in Ottawa, Kansas. Popeye is interested. (:50)

Kurt Angle is a father again. In true celebrity fashion he has given his child a very strange name. RD should volunteer to be the babysitter so he can lull the child to sleep talking about Angle's moveset.

:55 Statement Of The Week: Adam W. of Facebook alerts the two on someone named 'Johnny C' disapproving of The Death Of WCW, somewhere around here. Blade disapproves of the disapproving by not even answering the guy's claims. RD has a more coherent and logical response to add to that.

Timeout real quick.

(I've always wanted to say write that.)

As much as Mr. Brakestown is a fine young egg (perhaps a pickled fine young egg from all the liquor he consumes), he really doesn't handle the essence of trolling, which is basically all that their critic is doing. (I think Chris Engler needs to send him a TrollTrolla to teach him what trolling is all about.) What he thinks he sees is some guy who, while he is definitely allowed his own opinion on whatever he wants (it's his right after all), is someone with actual power that has a physical affect on the world.

What Blade thinks he sees in an average troll: Not Big Daddy V as himself, but an Armored Troll threatening Aragorn at the Battle of the Black Gate in The Lord Of The Rings: The Return of The King. And by the way? Viggo Mortensen is ALSO a large fan of the Canadiens, which amuses me to no end.

But this is what he's actually seeing:

A troll doll. Note the intimidating stance, brutal viciousness, and evil glint in its visage.
Ignore its attempt to be a wizard. (Pink-Hair the Blue?)

...Not exactly the same thing. It would be like thinking of a cute Persian cat as an angry Siberian tiger. They MAY be related somehow, but they're not exactly the same thing.

And now you know. And knowledge is power. Guard it well.

[Also Scott if for some reason you're reading this since the site has since transformed into a Blog of DOOM, we should pit our Animal Crossing islands against one another. The loser has to buy Blade one of those troll dolls. - Future PB]

This, by the way, is also perhaps the longest they've ever answered a Question/Statement on the show. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing either.

:64 Blade's TNA mailman finally shows up to bad MIDI music. He calls himself The Honky Tonk Mailman. Wait...are we sure it's not John Kelly back from the dead? He steals people's Observers for his news reporting. He thus read-tells us about 88 year old Hogan's 'upcoming' marriage which will last two months. There's also some Pistol Pez Whatley stamp which is sure to be of more worth than anything Hulk is doing these days. (And should he get a big profit from the stamp he should use it to pay for a better Skype connection which breaks up from time to time.) Then he leaves for his Pink Cadillac, Thank you very much.

[On a personal note, I keep thinking of my fellow Forum friend (and friend of the Habitant, but not one of the Twelve) Darth Alexander, who uses the Honky Tonk Man as his avatar. I'll never think of one without thinking of the other, and vice versa.]

:75 The Royal Rumble returns to rear its roughened rump at us. RD wants Yoshi Tatsu to win. Blade wants Roddy Piper. There's some very confusing discussion about their Pro Bowl Bet thing. RD: "I would be senile if I told you you were not a drunk."

DDP is hosting Nitro DVDs. Bobby Heenan has his own DVD where everyone think he's dead (an in advance tribute DVD perhaps?).

Seventeen Syllablyastic Thoughts:

TNA Gooker.

Biggest award they have won.

Dixie must be proud.

Blade owes $3.00 ($12.25)

191 Ripped from the Headlies: January 21, 2011

71 minutes

WrestleCrap is new and improved! Now where have I heard that one before?

As mentioned from last week, the site has something new for the first time in over seven years. No, it is NOT the return of the Jobber Of The Week. On the top of the main page is a 'LiFi Scanner' that posts random words and phrases strung together into sentences to make what is commonly referred to as a 'joke' from a  Twitter account, with no other articles or sources related to said Tweets, which would be semi-frequently updating until the random headline generator behind it stops working or the figure behind the account gets bored of the whole ordeal. (And no, it's not me.) From that, fine young eggs Justin Henry and Sean Carless and Catherine Perez make 'humorous' wrestling related 'newz' in the form of WrestleCrap Headlies. Personally, that is about as clever as someone having the pen name of "Topsy Kretts".

So essentially WrestleCrap is trying its hand to be the Onion of the wrestling world/IWICK. (An OnionTrolla perhaps?) This isn't a bad thing of course, as both the Onion and the A.V. Club are really great sites. The question is how long they can maintain some sort of level over the long term, as much as the often absurd world of wrestling lends to its own self-parody and comedy. More importantly, would it be something that Dave Meltzer would finally be reporting on?

I admit, if I put any effort into it I may have some success also (alongside running this site of course). Hmmm...

Fresh from the LiFi Scanner: John Cena is set to star in The (Space) Marine 3: The Ultramarine (in Space). "This is taking 'U can't see me' to a whole new level," proclaimed WWE CEO Vince McMahon, "since now you can't see him in outer space as well as not seeing him in theaters." A collaboration with Games Workshop's popular sci-fi franchise Warhammer 40,000, Cena is to play Ultramarines Chapter Master Marneus Calgar, a well known and controversial figure thought by many within the community to be pushed and publicized too much despite he and his chapter being thought of as bland, generic, and unoriginal. "Any similarities between the two are totally coincidental and unrelated," Mr. McMahon said when asked about this. The former WWE World Champion said he looked forward to expand his acting abilities for the role by, to paraphrase him, "doing the Five Finger Shuffle in one of his trademark Power Fists." In addition to Mr. Cena, Paul "Triple H" Levesque is also to star as the God-Emperor of Mankind. Reports that Randy Orton would play the part of a still unannounced main villain and that the diminutive Hornswaggle was to play Calgar's comic relief sidekick were unconfirmed as of press time. Mr. McMahon was last seen in a nearby Games Workshop store complaining that the miniature figures that are the basis of the tabletop game did not have enough muscles on them, and was overheard suggesting giving them scale size ICOPRO supplements.

Heh, I can see why such diversions would be fun to write now. Perhaps next I'll see if this very site can be linked as an official source of wrestling news and have all the dirsheets coming to our digital doorstep, or what have you.

What isn't fun though is some Sad News, as we are reminded of John Kelly's 'departure' from the show last week due to an exhaustion of bad puns for Blade to try and fumble through. Blade's next replacement for the TNA reporting: his own mailman. Well that could be convenient; he could just mail his news in every week. (Insert laughing Krankor here.) Blade is also still confused about RD's Swear Jar.

:25 Random discussions about the Colts prevail. Blade's grade school constantly gave children erections. RD mercilessly needles him on this, forcing Blade to apologize for once. Sadly he does not seek revenge by asking to watch the music video for Hot for Teacher. Anyway, Bart's Red Cream Soda has returned to RD's Meijers. Is Loroza's Pizza next?

:35 Dustin "Screech" Diamond is now booking himself for wrestling. Hey, anyone remember when he was on Hogan's celebrity wrestling? Or anything about Hogan's celebrity wrestling nonsense thing at all? Yeah, me neither. Torrie Wilson is shilling some drug-like workout supplement with the very bad name of Diva Trim. The only thing we learn from it for sure is that Blade is so drunk he can't say the word supplement. There's some very small film footage for Trish Stratus's upcoming film Bail Enforcers, wherein she hits some criminal with a garbage can lid. On the other hand, it IS better than that god-damned trailer for The Chaperone, which was so bad that WWE tried to pull it off the interwebs.

:50 B.M. Punk calls in. His major complaint this time is that John Kelly very much sounded like him. Wow, how very meta. He also reports on Tammy Sytch's poop problems on Facebook. Shouldn't Satan be the one calling in for this? Social networking sites ARE his domain after all.

:55 Ultimate Kennedy (11) has a rather simple Question of a skinnier Vickie Guerrero on TV. Odd Christmas gifts are discussed.

The mailman didn't show up. I have a worrying feeling he's going to sound like Peter Gazer.

:59 Randy Savage is in promos for WWE's upcoming All-Stars video game, giving opportunity for Nintendo John to call. For some reason his audience is suffering from slow reaction times.

The Royal Rumble is changing itself by adding 10 more jobbers for a total of 40 combatants. Wow, that's not a wrestling match, that's a fucking raid group in vanilla World Of Warcraft. Forget trying to handle the Twin Emperors in the ring, I wonder how they'll be able to fit them inside. They're gonna need a bigger boat, is what I'm thinking.

Seventeen Syllables:

Forty Man Rumble.

Wrestling bores me so much now

I'll need a Forty.

Blade owes RD $2.25 for this week, for a combined total of $9.25 from last week.

166 Demographics: January 29, 2010

67 minutes

The votes are in, and YOUR 2009 Gooker goes to the eternal feud that was Hornswaggle and Chavo Guerrero making fools out of each other throughout the past year. That does not help lift Blade from his funk, derived from his upcoming 35th birthday removing him from the coveted 18-34 demographic. But it's a good time for him to get drunk (when is it not?). He makes a Fruedian slip in wanting to hire a client of his prostitute roommate. Either he's already drunk or he wants to experiment in his mid-life crisis. (This brings in the expected caller-in for such a thing.) Then the Co-Hosses make fun of random listeners, as is their wont.

:14 Blade took a TRIP to some random bathroom (he prefers to do his business in proper toilets) where he finds one of those bathroom vending machines selling Kaluha flavored condoms. They're non alcoholic sadly, so it confuses him. It confuses me too, I can never really grasp the notion of birth control dispensers in public bathrooms, especially airports. Do they expect people to join the mile high club in today's airplanes' small bathrooms?

:20 Mattel is now making WWE toys. Vince has also forgiven the Denver Nuggets, or yet again forgot his random hatred against them, as WWE will return to their Pepsi Center on March 12. Kelly Kelly answers a random question with teddy bears, and tries to persuade us that she was a probable Olympic candidate before she "broke her ass". RD wants WWE to make resolutions to their storylines, which they won't do as it would actually make sense. A&E is making some show about Backyard Wrestling...hosted by Bob Saget. No, I don't know why either. RD makes fun of Blade some more, the poor man.

Steven in Sacramento's Question about Demolition (:38) devolves into talking about Domino's Pizza. As far as I can recall I don't think the Noid was their manager.

Jim Ross calls in to try and solve their TNA conundrum, (:45) but he's just there to talk more nonsense and read comments about some video of his. "You don't wanna suck, you wanna lick," he advises. Sadly Blade is too lazy to bring Sir Alec to help with the task.

:57 The two wonder who will be making surprise appearances at this week's Royal Rumble. Blade will always mark out for the Black Scorpion. Shane Helms and Chris Jericho were arrested in Kentucky near RD's old home for disorderly conduct and posted a $120 bond. Randy Orton received a 10-year contract as well as $600,000 for his terrible Wrestlemania match against Triple H.

Jericho and Helms were arrested for not being Southern enough.

Seventeen quick syllables on the second most boring man in WWE (behind John Cena):
Ten years of Orton.
Fuck. Please wake me up in the
year twenty-twenty.

133 The All-Interactive Happy Hour: January 23, 2009

78 minutes

Does not come with corn oil as illustrated

This week's show is a "full 180" from last time (not a full 360?). The MegaTrolla has escaped from RD's house WrestleCrap HQ, and RD hopes for him to return. Blade is drinking too, so it looks like things are back to the status quo. Meanwhile AngryMarks is stealing the 12 listeners, and only 7 remain (or are new 7 people, we don't really know) (:06)

Sad News: Circuit City is closing. (:08) Blade is maliciously happy about this. Blade listens to old shows in his sleep and dreams of the elusive BM Punk. (:11) Upcoming new segments are 'teased'. Blade thanks the people who bid on his auctions and who directly donated to him (myself included). A random unopened cereal box featured in the Shoot Interview is being auctioned (with free shipping!). (:14) The WC Book of Lists Exclamation Point was third in the Wrestling Observer Book of Year running behind a book on the original Gorgeous George and Ring of Hell. (:15)

Trip to the Grocery RD's Trip to the Toy Store (:18) is hijacked by Blade's Hitting the Bottle. For some reason we YouTube the Theme to WKRP In Cincinnati and the follow up New WKRP Theme. To counterbalance that Blade presents the Don Mason Boogie. The only thing of note of RD's trip is finding Frank Stallone action figures. Do they sing "Take You Back" and "Pushin'" when pulled? Blade: "Wouldn't you have fun on the beach in spandex with Carl Weathers?"

Obscure Wrestling News (:32 in): Paul Heyman has opened a gym. There's no word if he'll do his Hustle in it. (Actually that's just a rumor, nothing is being built involving him. Although if it were built it would definitely attract more customers than an average ECW house showing. Strike One against our Co-Hosses.)

Some nonsense about Simon Dean. Demolition Blast (seen here on his explosive MySpace page) is now a motivational speaker. Sad News: Torrie Wilson's clothes store is out of business (in my earnest opinion it was probably less due to the recession and more that it was a general fucking disaster.) If it helps any her site officiallyjaded.com is actually working right now, albeit terribly out of date. We search her site for a bit and listen again to her terrible remix of Right Said Fred. RD has not heard of something called a "mute button".

(Actually she's just moving shop, perhaps for [again] getting better business than the handful of people she may be normally getting. Strike Two for our Co-Hosses. In the same news update it also looks like Jake "The Snake" Roberts has his own website. Let's hope he doesn't use it while drunk; it needs to be classified as heavy machinery for just that purpose. Or even worse - it consists entirely of pictures of his penis.)

[From the future: Actually scratch that. The whole thing has officially vanished from the intertubes.]

Question of the Week from "The Real Nathaniel Matt the TNA Fan" (:48) is on favorite TNA moments. (Well why not?) Blade liked one involving Jasmine St. Claire doing some sort of soft-porn type of things. So that's why they call it TNA eh.

Speaking of TNA our temporary Correspondent is introduced with a MIDI version of Jump. Oh boy, this can't be good. (:55) Sure enough we're subjected to sound clips of 'David Lee Roth' hooting and yes-ing from Runnin' With The Devil. Sadly despite all this he doesn't have any particular sound bites of actually watching TNA maddening RD. But you know what? He's easily my favorite TNA guy yet. He needs to make a return, particularly with a duet-trio-quartet with Johnny 6 and Nathaniel and Stubby.

Nate: HOW ABOUT SOME TNA TOTAL NON-STOP ACTION WRESTLING!!!
David: No!
Johnny: I. Like. Big. Nipples.
David: Yeeeaaahhhhhh!
Stubby: [Some unfunny 'joke' about penis sizes]
(Laugh Track)
David: Wooooohoooo!

Current Wrestling News (:64). RD saw The Wrestler and wrote about it in his Ramblings. He discusses it a bit with Blade. We remember the "New and Improved" episode with that RATT Opening and that episode where Blade sounded like the Burgess Meredith Penguin. There's some talk about surprise run-ins for the Royal Rumble. Also Randy Orton punted a big one on Vince's head.

In honor of that skull-fucking, Seventeen Syllables:
Randy kicked Vince's head.
But hey, why should he stop there?
Please punt Stephanie.

092 A XXX Parody: February 1, 2008

Third Co-Host?

The one where RD leaves early
(57 minutes)

RD says The Crappy Awards will happen in the near-future because RD has a 'cold'. Despite this, he sounds just fine. You don't suppose he's making up an excuse to cover not actually doing that segment, did you...?

Trash Losagain takes third mic, and second phone.

24/7 Week 2 (:10): Memories of the first WCW Monday Nitro, The Mall of America, and WWF Raw are shared. Raw had ring girls, who were rentals.

RD reads the press release for JBL's Mamajuana. (:19) Blade makes a clever joke with timing. WWE will launch a children's magazine in April as well as a clothing line which means...

Blade found a use for the Katie Vick outfit. (:27)

Question of the Week (:29): The Dusty Rhodes book has a myspace page. From Big Sexy Stupid: Snitsky's Foot Fetish vs. Torgo's Peeping Tom.

Johnny 6 rolls in. "Curry. Man. Is. Very. Very. Very. Spicy." (:35)

WWE HD is sometimes gross. (:42)

RD 'abandons' the show. The plan backfires because the show remains just as entertaining. (:43)

What wrestlers would fit in classic movie roles?

John Cena won the Royal Rumble and wants his shot at the next PPV, not WrestleMania.

Seventeen Syllables for Your Orgasmic Listening Enjoyment:
Cena's title shot.
You can't see me...ordering
No Way Out next month.

050 King Kong Bundy: Komedian!: January 26, 2007

King Kong Bundy: Komedian!
(66 minutes)

A new promotion called WSX is about to make its debut on MTV. Because when you think MTV, you of course think professional wrestling.

Blade: "It makes me want to grab a monkey and sit on the street corner dressed like Al Capone."

In 2003, Rachel Ray posed in the kitchen for FHM. Sad News: RD's favorite show Passions, a soap opera, is being canceled. (:04)

RD's Trip down Emerson Avenue (:10): White Castle is taking reservations for Valentine's Day.

Both the Co-Host Contest music and the WrestleCrap Radio Gong debut. RD predicts that the Contest will be a trainwreck. (:26)

RD announces that Lance Storm will be a guest on WrestleCrap Radio. Blade remembers when they had to cut out a piece of the Co-Hosts being absolutely filthy on April Hunter a week before the Vince Russo interview.

Speaking of trainwrecks, Obscure Wrestling News: King Kong Bundy has started a stand-up comedy career. (:30) Sad News: Dirty Dick Slater was arrested for violating a restraining order to cut off contact from the girlfriend he stabbed in 2003. (:35)

STILL DIRTY

Mail Bag (:40): Mike Polin wanted Lanny Poffo to make an appearance in 90's WWF rather than just collect a paycheck from WCW for doing nothing. Blade thinks Poffo's 'perm juice' would have made for a good in-ring weapon.

Bam Bam Bigelow died. (:48) RD gave Blade a shirt from the first Survivor Series.

Blade tells of his favorite Royal Rumble. The episode is deemed a "trainwreck" and would have been gonged if it were a contestant.

Seventeen Syllables:
The Royal Rumble.
Every man for himself. Sounds
like a circle jerk.

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• The Marty Jannetty to my Shawn Michaels, Mr. Blade Braxton
• WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 2. Global Internet, White Castle
• URLs not taken: 0.
• SPEAKING OFs: 11. Crap (2), vulgarity, White Castle l, girls that wouldn’t go to White Castle for Valentines Day, theme songs, sitting on a MJ entry and dancing the Charleston, trainwrecks, King Kong Bundy’s colon, restraining orders and violating them, bad jokes
• Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 0.
• Outdated references: 3. Pat Summerall, Neil Diamond, The Gong Show
• I didn’t even know he was sick: 0.

 

• Weird Al Laughs: 2
  
• RJ Fletcher, Yes Man:  1
• Other Laughs: 1 
• WrestleCrap Gongs: 8
  

• Mailbag
• Mike Polin: Do you guys think that the Genius gimmick could have gotten over around 1995/1996 when Vince was doing all the horrible mid-90s gimmicks? Yes.
  

• Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: Royal Rumble tagline is homoerotic no?
  The Royal Rumble.
  Every man for himself. Sounds
  like a circle jerk.

 

019 Boogeyman M.D.: February 3, 2006

Boogeyman M.D.
(26 minutes)

RD has a cold but he will man-up for all twenty-five minutes of show.

Vince Russo will be a WrestleCrap guest in two weeks.

Obscure Wrestling News: The Viking's son is ranked third in the nation among amateur wrestlers. Tatanka-brand multivitamins sadly do not contain buffalo.

Question of the Week from Dwarf Action (2): Boogeyman should bite more people.

Rey Mysterio Jr won the Royal Rumble, where Goldust and Tatanka came back. He's not going to Wrestlemania however, though Randy Orton is, going up against Kurt Angle. RD remembers when Orton had a bad arm and wore his father's cast.

Seventeen Syllables:
So Edge lost the belt.
He may be Rated R but
his reign gets an F.

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Erik Majorwitz)

 

• The Lenny to my Squiggy, Mr. Blade Braxton
• WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 0.
• URLs not taken: 1. NativeTatankaBuffalo.com
• SPEAKING OFs: 7. Being excited (2), John Nord (2), hot, judging, and
• Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 0.
• Outdated references: 2. Ron Jeremy, Dwight D. Eisenhower
• I didn’t even know he was sick: 0.

• RD Time Outs: 2
  

• Ashley Massaro References: 4
  

• Question of the Week from: Dwarf Action (2)
  
• Don't you wish the Boogeyman would come to Raw and bite off Ashley's mustache? He should bite more people.
  

 

• Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku:
  So Edge lost the belt.
  He may be Rated R but
  his reign gets an F.

018 Announcements: January 27, 2006

Announcements
(31 minutes)

Jameson

Thanks to the snippet of Leonard Nimoy Presents Mr. Spock's Music From Outer Space (the album is awesome by the way, go find it), RD and Blade are geeks, nerds, poindexters. Blade has an autographed photo of Jameson on his wall, maybe the only autographed photo of Jameson in existence. An Announcement: Inductions of WrestleCrap will now occur more than once a month, thanks to the hiring of some new writers.

Obscure Wrestling News: Matt Morgan was arrested for impersonating a police officer in an attempt to pick up women. Zorak/Mantis Girl has been fired. Someone broke into the WrestleMania bus. There must be a huge warehouse of garbage from old WWF gimmicks. The Royal Rumble is this week. RD remembers the time that comedian Drew Carey once participated in it.

The Question of the Week now has a sting of MIDI trumpets from an old and obscure game, which RD says sucks. WWE has given five wrestlers one crappy gimmick (the Spirit Squad). Questioner Erik Majorwitz thinks that crappy gimmick should also involve Katie Vick.

Morning Dew Braxton's Weekly Wrestling Haiku:
They've got spirit yay.
Spirit Squad's got spirit yay.
They've got spirit gay.

 

RD: "That was the worst ending ever."

 

 

 

Facts & Figures (as compiled by Questioner of the Week Erik Majorwitz)

 

• The Gorn to my redshirted Leslie, Mr. Blade Braxton
• WrestleCrap Radio Sponsors: 0.
• URLs not taken: 0.
• SPEAKING OFs: 8. Jameson, classics, nerds, cumming on pillows, nerds (2), Spirit Squad, spirits, awful
• Dave Meltzer, not talking about: 0.
• Outdated references: 2. Mr. Spock, Boyz II Men
• I didn’t even know he was sick: 0.
  

• Question of the Week now with trumpets from: Erik Majorwitz
• Since the Spirit Squad debuted, has Vince called you inquiring if you would like to part with the Katie Vick outfit for an upcoming storyline? No sold.
  

 

• Blade Braxton’s Weekly Wrestling Haiku: 2, 4, 6, 8...
  They’ve got spirit yay.
  Spirit squad’s got spirit yay.
  They’ve got spirit gay.