Hmmm. So my computer decides to try and commit suicide the very same week the lords of WrestleCrap induct That Fucking Match. Coincidence? I think not, but I (and some very good anti virus and spyware software) have brought it back from the depths and so I can do this week's column.
This weekend sees TNA's Hardcore Justice Pay Per View and ironically for TNA it's probably going to draw more buys than their own pay per views if the alleged numbers are to be believed. But I wonder if their numbers come at a higher cost to them than just financially.
You see, TNA to me has always had a huge problem from the moment it began, a problem that may ultimately lead to its downfall. A problem that really is so elementary it shouldn't happen. That problem is Brand Identity.
Think of the WWE; even as sad as they are now you know what they stand for, which is putting out a solid wrestling product. Even in a PG-13 environment they try to make compelling stars like John Cena or Triple H or even Kane and Ted DiBiase, guys who've gone away and made films but yet are still known as WWE Superstar,s and if you ask an average joe on the street "what is WWE?" you'd probably get the answer "That wrestling company".
The WWE makes stars, no question, but one of my favorite games is 'what if?' That's why I've always been a huge fan of the Rewriting the Book series, initially written by Jed Shaffer, now controlled well by both Simon Rawls and Neil Cathan: it makes you wonder about moments in wrestling history in a different light, it makes you think and it's very entertaining to read. It's something I aspire to be like with these Random Thoughts columns (I never said I was always SUCCESSFUL at it). But there's one 'what if' that I've never seen played out and it's the one that always plays in my mind.
What if Hulk Hogan chose to stay with the AWA? He was already massive over there, even as "Old School" as Verne Gagne was you'd have to imagine that it was only a matter of time until Hogan would have HAD to be given their World Championship, if only to not alienate the fans that were loving and supporting him in his quest to gain the belt. There's every chance had Hogan stayed with the AWA that we would be talking about Verne Gagne as the most powerful man in wrestling, not Vince McMahon.
But it's not to say Vince wouldn't have had another ace up his sleeve; Jimmy Snuka was just as over as Hogan after his feud with Roddy Piper, Roddy himself may have become the greatest heel champion the world of wrestling had ever know. Or maybe, having been spurned by Hogan, Vince puts a pile of cash in front of Ric Flair and makes him a megastar.
More than likely though wrestling would never have evolved, it was Vince's marketing foresight along with Hogan's charisma and sheer marketability that provided the launch for the WWE as we know today. Together the two created a juggernaut. Separate, it would have been as sad as a broken marriage.
That's my point: the WWE makes stars out of guys who aren't exactly the greatest wrestlers of our time. Roddy Piper could work a good match but those were few and far between, yet when the WWE gave him a microphone and allowed Roddy to get "Rowdy" they created one of the greatest heels in wrestling. they took a journeyman wrestler like Ted DiBiase Sr. and created a gimmick of the Rich Snob that made him iconic in the eyes of the wrestling world. And let's not EVER forget the case of one Jim Hellwig.
WCW had their own stars too. Goldberg, DDP, Flair, Sting. All of them were unique to their brand and the letters WCW were synonymous with great wrestling action; then Eric Bischoff came in and shook up the world with the nWo and a new juggernaut was born.
ECW? Here we are nine years after they closed and when fans see Tommy Dreamer, Raven, Stevie Richards and co in a ring they still chant the letters. ECW was the promotion that could, the one that stuck into every rebellious teenager's heart. It was a promotion that was theirs and theirs alone and they did by never talking down to the fans, never being condescending to them. ECW gave the fans what they wanted from the moment of inception till the day they died, and that spirit never left the hearts of the true believers.
But TNA? Ask the same average joe 'What is TNA?' And your answer in most cases is probably going to be "Tits and Ass". But even that can be overcome: they've lasted this long with the stupid name but the major problem is one they seemingly have no want to solve. They don't create stars. Name one guy besides AJ Styles and Samoa Joe who's even come close to being said "Oh he works for that TNA group right". Every other star has had their name made elsewhere, mostly the WWE. Kurt Angle has become a TNA star by osmosis and longevity there and he's now at the point where most casual fans realize he's a TNA star. But what about the rest of them? RVD is an ex-WWE guy. Jeff Hardy is an ex-WWE guy. Mr Anderson is an ex-WWE guy. Tommy Dreamer is an ex-ECW guy. Guys like Abyss, Desmond Wolfe, The Pope, Beer Money and the Motor City Machineguns spend so much time trading victories in the mid-card that they never get over to the point where a casual fan can say they're uniquely TNA. Even the Knockout Division, one of their strong points has been decimated to the point where it's tough to actually name anyone in it (People may know the Beautiful People as a stable for example but it's tough to name the actual members for the casual fan.)
Now they bring in ECW and try and give them more spotlight to get where they want to be. There's a line of advice that should really ring loud and true for TNA but never seems to. "Those that fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it". The WWE got two great Pay Per Views out of ECW no doubt but when they gave them their own TV time the idea ultimately failed. Granted that was primarily because the WWE didn't want to make the show even remotely seem like ECW but the point still remains. The WWE, with all their experience and all their marketing savvy could not resurrect ECW. So what chance do TNA, who can't even sell their OWN product have?
It's fast becoming time for tough love for TNA. They have to stop the madness, stop trying to be like everything for everyone, stop bringing back the old stars like a Hulk Hogan or a Tommy Dreamer and create and forge their own identity, with their own stars, their own style and their own unique slant on their wrestling business. Just like any business starting out, not just in wrestling but in any form of life.
And they have the man to begin that legacy for them, if he's willing to let his ego subside and do what he says he would do, make TNA a force: Hulk Hogan, because from the ashes of his legacy if he allows it to be destroyed, the phoenix of TNA can rise anew.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason
180 Drinking with the (Big Nippled) Stars: August 6, 2010
 |
| HBK Demonstrates New Hunting Technique |
The "Celebrity" Roast has finally shipped to acclaim by many...but not the Midnight Rose, as RD forgot to credit his appearance. He fears for his life now. Next stop for WCR: TV! The two discuss numerous possibilities for spin-offs. Blade in particular is so drunk he's using the old headphones again.
:11 The worst match on TNA, Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell, is finally inducted. RD's attempts to go to Cincinnati for some root beer is once more interrupted by Blade's fucking random ramblings that make the show three hours long and which almost serve to enrage RD yet again. He somehow gets through with a straight face. (They have Barq's in the place where I live but I always stick with the original A&W.) Blade meanwhile went to a concert to try and have sex with half-naked 14 year olds.
:24 Molly Holly AKA Nora Greenwald is engaged to a former recovering drug addict whom she met while in her current job as a drug counselor. She wants to have sex as soon as possible. RD wonders if she will hate it since she's never done it before. Regardless, this is Very Happy News for all save Blade Brakestown and all his missed opportunities. I mean, really. All the women he's met and failed to further connect with, those Big Announcements that he's always failed to big announce, his singing 'career', his team (although it's not his fault I admit), his occupation calling for a certain use of trash bags...I'd call him a modern day Job in the Biblical sense, if Job was a drunkard hobo co-hosting a long running Internet progrem. I'd rather call him a Job in the wrestling sense instead. Jobbing Jobber Job, perhaps? Someone get Vince Russo to create him for TNA and have him shoot all the time as some sort of meta-referencing to the wrestling business.
:32 Our old friend Shelly "BNV" Martinez wants to get on Dancing With The Stars. As obscure as she may be outside the industry, she would at least be less obscure than half of any current seasonal roster, and would definitely be better on the feet too due to her background. Plus you could have Tom Bergeron co-host RAW and do a heel turn on his show, perhaps calling it some sort of weak imitation of his old Hollywood Squares. It's a win-win!
:36 Question: Batman Plus Robin Equals The Conway (2) asks a rather sexual question, but instead of Popeye calling in Mike Check does instead. He can apparently do those nowadays due to him being...fascinating with his fellow inmates. In the midst of his own jobbing he does remember his days in New Haven, Connecticut's WDOL "Dollar 99" co-hosting a business show with his then woman DJ called Bounce Check Money Matters. [I am SO writing a sitcom with that title. I can see it now....Bounce Check Money Matters: Starring Paul Heyman and Urkel: LICENCE....TO PRINT.....MONEY - Clarence] I bet you Jim Kramer was one of his disciples.
:45 John Kelly's TNA 'reporting' is essentially repeating what the Co-Fruitcakes say. He doesn't even provide anything new! If you notice, RD says Hulk Hogan IS with us and Samoan Joe has been future endeavored and John just makes bad quips in response. That's not even news at all! He probably doesn't note down what he wants to mention on his trip between Florida and Kansas (his hands are full of holding his sunglasses), and thus the exhaustive journey between the two states makes him forget what he wants to say and just makes him subconsciously parrot the duo.
:49 In a further attempt to (fail at) salvage itself, TNA dedicated a full taping just to ECW. Sadly Francine was a no-show. RD would prefer watching Shawn Michaels and his wive on a hunting show. (:54)
Better lay 'em on us:
So Shawn went hunting.
He should have done that years ago.
Could have found his smile.
Minisode #179 MANOS II
by iggy
July 16, 2010
The crickets work overtime.
Snitsky will appear in Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge.
Mike Check's daughter tries to raise bail money.
C.S. Irwin talks about Lisa Marie.
TNAECW haiku
#moral #doesn't require oil
July 16, 2010
The crickets work overtime.
Snitsky will appear in Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge.
Mike Check's daughter tries to raise bail money.
C.S. Irwin talks about Lisa Marie.
TNAECW haiku
#moral #doesn't require oil
Random Thoughts From the Office: July 16, 2010
For the record I think a "Manos" sequel featuring Gene Snitsky is God's gift to comedy. Now if we can weasel a way into getting our unseen but vital third member Erik Majorwitz to review it when it comes out, then we have a winner folks. But really, can it be worse than that fucking Karate Kid remake? Didn't think so.
SPEAKING OF Remakes. (I've always wanted to do that) We turn to the case of TNA's Hard Justice, also known as "ECW One Night Stand by another name is still ECW One Night Stand" and the whole growing belief that Paul Heyman is going to be the only saviour for the company.
Before we start let me say I love ECW. Not to break kayfabe but as a fan in Australia only 3 DVD's were ever released (Guilty as Charged, Living Dangerously and Hardcore Heaven 2000. On the plus side they were sold for like a dollar in our version of Walmart) so to really be a hardcore ECW mark like myself you had to spend a LOT of money, some of it wasted to go through tape traders. Yet I did it willingly because ECW, unlike the then WWF and WCW of the time appealed directly to me. There was no childlike gimmicks like the WWF had, which even as a teenager insulted my intelligence. WCW was never really big in Australia at least to me till about 1998. It was very, very tough if you wanted to watch Nitro in Australia, it was usually buried on Turner Classic Movies at midnight on a Saturday night, when you were either out drinking or home drunk. If only TiVo existed then.
ECW was different though, it had compelling characters like Raven, great storylines and great wrestling as well, something ECW isn't given enough credit for. I mean, sure they had a lot of hardcore elements, a lot of blood, a lot of misogynistic beating of women but it also had great wrestling, especially during the early years. ECW I believe was popular because it appealed to everyone over the age of 12. If you wanted to see blood and guts and hardcore brawling you had guys like Sabu, Cactus Jack, Public Enemy and the Gangstas. If you wanted great storylines look no further than Dreamer versus Raven and to a lesser extent the Network angle. If you wanted great wrestling, there was Jericho, Guerrero, Malenko, Exodia the Forbidden One (Note: That's my smartass title for Chris Benoit, which is a whole other column to explain) then later on you had guys like Rob Van Dam, Taz and Jerry Lynn. There was something for everyone and everyone soon fell in love with the little promotion that could.
Sadly though ECW fell victim to the same pressure almost every federation has, the need to compete. Debts spiraled out of control, wrestlers stopped getting paid, they lost their deal with TNN and the whole promotion was given up to the WWE for the wrestling equivalent of 75 cents.
But unlike other feds (with the exception of WCW) of its time, ECW never died in the hearts of fans. When WWE brought out "The Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD it quickly become one of their top selling DVD's EVER. When Vince decided to cash in a little and create ECW One Night Stand in 2005 it became one of the best selling Pay Per Views of the year. When it happened again in 2006 Vince got hours worth of programming on Sci-Fi and gave ECW the rebirth many fans had hoped for and there was much rejoicing.....at first. Then everyone realized how bad it was. The things that made ECW ECW couldn't be done on a WWE controlled show, add that to the fact that the ECW favorites were pretty much used to make stars of the WWE talent and ECW fans gave up quick. Not that it was a failure, ECW directly created the careers of CM Punk and John Morrison and also gave Matt Striker a chance to become the best colour man going around today in my opinion. It just didn't hook in the ECW audience.
Which brings us to TNA and their hope to get Heyman. It is very much a great idea. Paul Heyman has one of the greatest minds in wrestling and can use anyone and make them seem like a star. The young talent on the roster than any ever assembled and so he'll have his chance, but he's also going to have to jettison some top stars to do, specifically Jeff Hardy and his favorite Rob Van Dam.
Before anyone gets upset, I'm not saying that there's no place in TNA for Jeff or RVD. There clearly is, but there comes a time where the time in the main event for them has to come to an end, a time when it's best for all for them to use their star power to bring the guys who need it, the Beer Moneys, the Kazarians, the Desmond Wolfes up to the next level. It's the age old problem promotions have always had. It happened in WCW, it's happening in WWE and it's now coming up in TNA. Promoters and bookers don't want to change while the cash is rolling in (Or in TNA's alleged case, not rolling in) but by doing so they destroy their future by making the next generation look weak.
Let's be brutally honest for one moment. TNA is NOT going to compete with the WWE anytime in the foreseeable future. If Hogan and Bischoff couldn't come up with a way to help the company in seven months then Heyman ain't going to do it in five. What TNA needs now is a solid three to five year plan, which will include a lot of short term pain for their long term gain. Their current star power, with the exception of The Pope, AJ Styles and Abyss need to go for the top of the card. Angle is fine where he is, Joe needs to come back up and the guys I mentioned earlier along with people like Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Doug Williams and other homegrown talent to get an audience slowly building up; then when they're ready and only when they're ready can they then try to compete.
In the end the best advice for TNA may come from a guy who couldn't help them - Eric Bischoff. He wrote words to this effect in Controversy Equals Cash. "You have three options when it comes to the WWE: You can be better than them, worse than them or different from them." We all know in our hearts that for the foreseeable future TNA will never be better than the WWE, being worse is exactly where they are now: on the verge of death. So they must be different than them. And for once if they want to be different they're making the right choice by signing the man who competed with the big two when no one said he could for so long. Paul Heyman.
Now, Big Show in the remake of "Harry and the Hendersons"? License to print money.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason.
SPEAKING OF Remakes. (I've always wanted to do that) We turn to the case of TNA's Hard Justice, also known as "ECW One Night Stand by another name is still ECW One Night Stand" and the whole growing belief that Paul Heyman is going to be the only saviour for the company.
Before we start let me say I love ECW. Not to break kayfabe but as a fan in Australia only 3 DVD's were ever released (Guilty as Charged, Living Dangerously and Hardcore Heaven 2000. On the plus side they were sold for like a dollar in our version of Walmart) so to really be a hardcore ECW mark like myself you had to spend a LOT of money, some of it wasted to go through tape traders. Yet I did it willingly because ECW, unlike the then WWF and WCW of the time appealed directly to me. There was no childlike gimmicks like the WWF had, which even as a teenager insulted my intelligence. WCW was never really big in Australia at least to me till about 1998. It was very, very tough if you wanted to watch Nitro in Australia, it was usually buried on Turner Classic Movies at midnight on a Saturday night, when you were either out drinking or home drunk. If only TiVo existed then.
ECW was different though, it had compelling characters like Raven, great storylines and great wrestling as well, something ECW isn't given enough credit for. I mean, sure they had a lot of hardcore elements, a lot of blood, a lot of misogynistic beating of women but it also had great wrestling, especially during the early years. ECW I believe was popular because it appealed to everyone over the age of 12. If you wanted to see blood and guts and hardcore brawling you had guys like Sabu, Cactus Jack, Public Enemy and the Gangstas. If you wanted great storylines look no further than Dreamer versus Raven and to a lesser extent the Network angle. If you wanted great wrestling, there was Jericho, Guerrero, Malenko, Exodia the Forbidden One (Note: That's my smartass title for Chris Benoit, which is a whole other column to explain) then later on you had guys like Rob Van Dam, Taz and Jerry Lynn. There was something for everyone and everyone soon fell in love with the little promotion that could.
Sadly though ECW fell victim to the same pressure almost every federation has, the need to compete. Debts spiraled out of control, wrestlers stopped getting paid, they lost their deal with TNN and the whole promotion was given up to the WWE for the wrestling equivalent of 75 cents.
But unlike other feds (with the exception of WCW) of its time, ECW never died in the hearts of fans. When WWE brought out "The Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD it quickly become one of their top selling DVD's EVER. When Vince decided to cash in a little and create ECW One Night Stand in 2005 it became one of the best selling Pay Per Views of the year. When it happened again in 2006 Vince got hours worth of programming on Sci-Fi and gave ECW the rebirth many fans had hoped for and there was much rejoicing.....at first. Then everyone realized how bad it was. The things that made ECW ECW couldn't be done on a WWE controlled show, add that to the fact that the ECW favorites were pretty much used to make stars of the WWE talent and ECW fans gave up quick. Not that it was a failure, ECW directly created the careers of CM Punk and John Morrison and also gave Matt Striker a chance to become the best colour man going around today in my opinion. It just didn't hook in the ECW audience.
Which brings us to TNA and their hope to get Heyman. It is very much a great idea. Paul Heyman has one of the greatest minds in wrestling and can use anyone and make them seem like a star. The young talent on the roster than any ever assembled and so he'll have his chance, but he's also going to have to jettison some top stars to do, specifically Jeff Hardy and his favorite Rob Van Dam.
Before anyone gets upset, I'm not saying that there's no place in TNA for Jeff or RVD. There clearly is, but there comes a time where the time in the main event for them has to come to an end, a time when it's best for all for them to use their star power to bring the guys who need it, the Beer Moneys, the Kazarians, the Desmond Wolfes up to the next level. It's the age old problem promotions have always had. It happened in WCW, it's happening in WWE and it's now coming up in TNA. Promoters and bookers don't want to change while the cash is rolling in (Or in TNA's alleged case, not rolling in) but by doing so they destroy their future by making the next generation look weak.
Let's be brutally honest for one moment. TNA is NOT going to compete with the WWE anytime in the foreseeable future. If Hogan and Bischoff couldn't come up with a way to help the company in seven months then Heyman ain't going to do it in five. What TNA needs now is a solid three to five year plan, which will include a lot of short term pain for their long term gain. Their current star power, with the exception of The Pope, AJ Styles and Abyss need to go for the top of the card. Angle is fine where he is, Joe needs to come back up and the guys I mentioned earlier along with people like Matt Morgan, Hernandez, Doug Williams and other homegrown talent to get an audience slowly building up; then when they're ready and only when they're ready can they then try to compete.
In the end the best advice for TNA may come from a guy who couldn't help them - Eric Bischoff. He wrote words to this effect in Controversy Equals Cash. "You have three options when it comes to the WWE: You can be better than them, worse than them or different from them." We all know in our hearts that for the foreseeable future TNA will never be better than the WWE, being worse is exactly where they are now: on the verge of death. So they must be different than them. And for once if they want to be different they're making the right choice by signing the man who competed with the big two when no one said he could for so long. Paul Heyman.
Now, Big Show in the remake of "Harry and the Hendersons"? License to print money.
Clarence "Showstealer" Mason.
179 The Hands of Foot: July 16, 2010
61 minutes
The big news these days: Dixie Carter is pining for Paul Heyman to come visit and be yet another attempt to improve TNA. I shake my head in sad disbelief.
You know what's even worse though? RD is still working on the DVD. Remember when I said that it would be released in August? You know, that was meant to be a joke.
Also you know Blade is drunk when he constantly interrupts RD as he relates that he dreamed he was singing to the music of a defunct amusement park ride. Quote he: "I just don't think people are enjoying this as much as they used to." Angry Marks have sent new ad copy. (:14)
:17 Blade describes in detail his TRIP with a companion to see Cinderella in concert. Hilarity ensues.
:23 News. (That word sounds so funny by itself, doesn't it.) The Midnight Rose turned face at last week's wrestling appearance, dancing merrily at his side's victory. Blade shows him footage of this as RD tries to separate his alter-ego from his Co-Host. Sad News however: during all this reveling he split his pants, which for some reason made him unable to compete in the Battle Royale, or so he says. RD rightfully calls him a wuss.
:29 Gene "Boba Foot" Snitsky is said to be in the sequel of all things to the legendarily bad movie "Manos" The Hands Of Fate, called The Search For Valley Lodge. This thus makes Blade try to insert Star Wars into the discussion. Will Heidenreich also star? (My guess is he would be the Master, always sodomizing Torgo and his wrestling wives who stand around in his backyard.) [Then he could kill the babies as his wives got pregnant and spend the whole movie claiming it wasn't his fault. Why are we not writing the script for this? - "Showstealer"] The duo see both wrestlers in a promo to judge for themselves, which seems to have the two grunting heavily while reciting bad dialogue. Perhaps their 'idea' is one that Popeye would greatly approve of.
As for this Manos sequel, not to be obvious, but I don't really think it's a good idea. (And no, I'm not Clarence, so this isn't his Thoughts from the Office.) Sure, all these bad movies are often charming because of their badness, but trying to 'replicate' that in a 'sequel' seems inauthentic and a tacky way to keep the movie alive in public consciousness. If you really feel like watching it when/if it's actually made is the thing for you, I have three alternatives:
You're welcome.
Anyway, Scott Hall is 'very ill' with pneumonia. (:41) Let us hope it is just a minor thing and he gets well soon.
RD is too lazy to answer any actual Questions this week (though I won't blame him, with his DVD editing and all), so he instead indirectly advertises his new item: Mike Check T-Shirts. Speaking for myself, that is BRILLIANT. I'm definitely going to buy one of those for myself. A warning though before you go ahead and buy one (and you really should); they're only available in XL or XXL. He also promises that he may return prizes for Questions through his authored books, which you may recall is something he originally did when he first started this progrem all those years ago.
Also, RD still hasn't given a name for the man's daughter. Speaking of people who don't have a name either...
:49 Blade gets a knock on his door as Sir Alec - I mean, Caruso, enters to do his part of TNA News man. But why does he have to physically come up to Kansas to do it? It's a long way from Florida. Also, if they really wanted to bring his 'personality' on the show, they should come up with a more original name. So of course I'll just give him one instead (like I did with his predecessor). From here on out I shall call him John Kelly, named after his character on NYPD Blue. (Also check out Kelly's Wikipedia 'page'. Apparently the only good picture they could find for it was one from CSI. Heh.)
So Caruso - I mean, John Kelly - is yet again on TNA's case. Wow, that thing is a serial killer! He calls RD 'Frank' (From LA?) It seems Victoria is returning to TNA after taking a hiatus sometime ago. That's all we get. Not even his quip is good enough, the slacker. Then he leaves Blade's house without even closing the door. Despite this, RD still thinks he's the best TNA guy they've had so far.
:53 News. (See? Funny.) RD is heartened by the fact that Triple H had surgery. "Hunter is getting older," he notes. In other news the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's all the News we get.
Dixie Carter. Paul Heyman. Seventeen syllables please.
TNA's new plan.
More shit we didn't need back:
ECW.
At the last minute Jim Ross calls in, angered at his voice being removed from the beginnings of RAW.
Jim: "Who in the hell wouldn't want to hear my voice every week?"
RD: "Ahhh, us."
The big news these days: Dixie Carter is pining for Paul Heyman to come visit and be yet another attempt to improve TNA. I shake my head in sad disbelief.
You know what's even worse though? RD is still working on the DVD. Remember when I said that it would be released in August? You know, that was meant to be a joke.
Also you know Blade is drunk when he constantly interrupts RD as he relates that he dreamed he was singing to the music of a defunct amusement park ride. Quote he: "I just don't think people are enjoying this as much as they used to." Angry Marks have sent new ad copy. (:14)
:17 Blade describes in detail his TRIP with a companion to see Cinderella in concert. Hilarity ensues.
:23 News. (That word sounds so funny by itself, doesn't it.) The Midnight Rose turned face at last week's wrestling appearance, dancing merrily at his side's victory. Blade shows him footage of this as RD tries to separate his alter-ego from his Co-Host. Sad News however: during all this reveling he split his pants, which for some reason made him unable to compete in the Battle Royale, or so he says. RD rightfully calls him a wuss.
:29 Gene "Boba Foot" Snitsky is said to be in the sequel of all things to the legendarily bad movie "Manos" The Hands Of Fate, called The Search For Valley Lodge. This thus makes Blade try to insert Star Wars into the discussion. Will Heidenreich also star? (My guess is he would be the Master, always sodomizing Torgo and his wrestling wives who stand around in his backyard.) [Then he could kill the babies as his wives got pregnant and spend the whole movie claiming it wasn't his fault. Why are we not writing the script for this? - "Showstealer"] The duo see both wrestlers in a promo to judge for themselves, which seems to have the two grunting heavily while reciting bad dialogue. Perhaps their 'idea' is one that Popeye would greatly approve of.
As for this Manos sequel, not to be obvious, but I don't really think it's a good idea. (And no, I'm not Clarence, so this isn't his Thoughts from the Office.) Sure, all these bad movies are often charming because of their badness, but trying to 'replicate' that in a 'sequel' seems inauthentic and a tacky way to keep the movie alive in public consciousness. If you really feel like watching it when/if it's actually made is the thing for you, I have three alternatives:
- Watch the original movie, or at least the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of it. Love it or hate it, it doesn't really hurt to. Well, the movie does hurt in how bad it is, but at least the short before it is a barrel of laughter. "We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!"
- Watch the quite good documentary Hotel Torgo / Torpocalypse Now, which concerns the making of the movie in question, or:
- Watch this looping clip of Torgo shuffling around for 90 minutes while playing his haunting Theme.
You're welcome.
Anyway, Scott Hall is 'very ill' with pneumonia. (:41) Let us hope it is just a minor thing and he gets well soon.
 |
| Fascinating. |
Also, RD still hasn't given a name for the man's daughter. Speaking of people who don't have a name either...
:49 Blade gets a knock on his door as Sir Alec - I mean, Caruso, enters to do his part of TNA News man. But why does he have to physically come up to Kansas to do it? It's a long way from Florida. Also, if they really wanted to bring his 'personality' on the show, they should come up with a more original name. So of course I'll just give him one instead (like I did with his predecessor). From here on out I shall call him John Kelly, named after his character on NYPD Blue. (Also check out Kelly's Wikipedia 'page'. Apparently the only good picture they could find for it was one from CSI. Heh.)
So Caruso - I mean, John Kelly - is yet again on TNA's case. Wow, that thing is a serial killer! He calls RD 'Frank' (From LA?) It seems Victoria is returning to TNA after taking a hiatus sometime ago. That's all we get. Not even his quip is good enough, the slacker. Then he leaves Blade's house without even closing the door. Despite this, RD still thinks he's the best TNA guy they've had so far.
:53 News. (See? Funny.) RD is heartened by the fact that Triple H had surgery. "Hunter is getting older," he notes. In other news the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. That's all the News we get.
Dixie Carter. Paul Heyman. Seventeen syllables please.
TNA's new plan.
More shit we didn't need back:
ECW.
At the last minute Jim Ross calls in, angered at his voice being removed from the beginnings of RAW.
Jim: "Who in the hell wouldn't want to hear my voice every week?"
RD: "Ahhh, us."