Episode 123: Holy Cutouts!: January 1, 2024

The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra
March 7, 1968
"Dr. Cassandra has a grand scheme against Gotham City with her invisibility pills merely the beginning of her tricks."
37 minutes

RD IS NOT THE VOICE. Good to know.

Narrator: "High noon at the Astral Avenue branch of Gotham City's Alchemical Bank and Trust Company, a financial institution so conservative it pays no interest at all. But while the customers and  tellers transact the business of the day, black magical events are brewing, for Dr. Cassandra, the evil alchemist, is about to unleash her terrible swift sword."
That's actually half-true; also with her is her fellow evil (and equally elderly aged) colleague Cabala. They book take pills that turn them invisible, allowing them to steal a stereotypical bag of money. The people watch it float away without a care in the world. 

On hearing this, O'Hara immediately reaches for the Batphone.
Gordon: "After all these years, we've come to anticipate each other's thoughts."
O'Hara: "At times like this, Commissioner, anyone can read your mind."

Unfortunately before they get to it they too get grabbed by invisible enemies, more doing of Cassandra who somehow managed to enter the Office to pick up the phone to talk to "Batfink". What, the police being too incompetent to protect their seniors from criminals? No wonder they need Batman to do all their work for them.
Anyway, she threatens him and "that junior birdman".
Bruce: "There's a new fiend in town, Dick. To the Batpoles!"

Barbara gets to the Office first before the Duo (due to the length of the titles), where she gives first aid to the other Duo for some reason, calling them "stubborn men".
Batman: "To coin a phrase, "there is less here than meets the eye.""
O'Hara: "Begorra, Batman. That Dr. Whatever-her-name-is has struck six times in the past three hours. It's impossible to stop her."
Batman: "Perhaps we've all been intentionally baffled the way a magician operates. Now you see it,  now you don't."
Robin: "Holy disappearing act."
The Duo go to check on the floor dedicated to the "oh-cult sciences" at the Batcave Library.

Narrator: "Good thinking, Batman. But you'll need more than books to vanquish this entrancing foe."
Returning to their big black warehouse lair, Cassandra and Cabala take their "anti-antidote pills" to become visible.
Cassandra: "After taking the pill, we blend into the background so perfectly that no one can see us. Not even someone else who takes the pill. That's why we keep bumping into each other."
Cabala: "Well, husbands and wives are supposed to bump into each other now and then."
RD: "I don't even know if I would want to bang her if she was invisible."

He notes they've already hauled $600,000 in one day (and the Bros wonder if that makes them the show's most successful villains on that metric), but she still requires more. "I intend to succeed where my foremothers failed. The ancient alchemy has been handed down for generations through females of my family. All abject failures, nowheresville."

RD: "They try to have these 60-year-old people talk in like hip lingo. I don't know why. It doesn't work at all."

Cassandra: "Just like my family. Couldn't wait for the depression, they went broke during the boom. My great grandmother discovered how to transmute base metals into gold but she cut out when she added CH3, CH2, H2 and NO2. Put them all together, they spell TNT. They found pieces of her as far away as Londinium."

RD: "I NEVER WANNA HEAR THE WORD LONDONIUM AGAIN!" 

Cassandra: "Grandma perfected a universal solvent. Fell in the stuff and was universally dissolved. We  buried her in a thimble. Dear old Mommy-o cashed in when she perfected a perpetual motion machine, tripped and was ground to bits by it."

Cabala: "Man, you sure come from a long line of winners, baby."

Thus her plan is to incapacitate the Trio via "a mess of wild vibrations", break into the Prison, break out all the supervillains within, give them all invisibility pills, and rule over them.

RD: "This woman has stolen over a half million dollars in less than a day. And now she wants to go get all these other people out? That's the stupidest plan I've heard in the history of this show."

Cut to the Library where Batman is reading a giant book on alchemy by putting it up to his face. (:11) He finds his foe is Cassandra of "a group of ne'er-do-well alchemists who couldn't even make the grade in girls' pharmacy school."
Robin: "Holy unrefillable prescriptions."
Gordon calls Batman on his portable Batphone to tell him that Cassandra is going to steal the Mope Diamond from Spiffany's Jewelry Salon within 20 minutes. 

Now, could the villains have just donned their personal cloaking device and directly stolen it? Yes. Yes, they could. But that means we wouldn't save budget by padding out the running time, or accommodating today's Window Celebrity, which while not the actual last is probably the most strangest. Yes, even more than than the one time a journalist-politician went up against Chief Prosecutor Batman.

Well actually there is also another Window Celebrity, albeit in the traditional sense of the term. One of the jewelers who shows the diamond in un-trademark silence is informational and invention personality Ron Popeil.

Our man that we want here though went by the name of G. David Schine, who plays the owner of the shop...G. David Schine. (Where do the writers come up with such creative names?) 

15 years earlier, through their shared anti-communist fervor, Gerard David Schine became acquainted with Roy Cohn, then chief counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy. This would then lead to his being involved in the McCarthy Hearings as a "chief consultant", which mostly involved him trying and failing to get special privileges to prevent getting drafted, and when he did trying and failing to get special privileges while enlisted. 

Schine left the era and politics surprisingly under the radar while now ex-Senator McCarthy drank himself to death and Cohn found himself working for and influencing Donald Trump (before being disbarred before his death), becoming extensively involved in the private sector. This included marring a former Miss Sweden/Miss Universe 1955, becoming heir to a hotel chain, executive producing The French Connection, and trying to conduct an orchestra.

He, his wife, and a son, died in a plane crash in 1996. Supposedly it was caused by the piloting son. Feel free to make your own conspiracy theories about it though. 

Unfortunately, the couple do not immediately recognize a fellow villain and try to have him join their cause. They even address him by the completely different name of Dan! (I'm sure he probably wanted to do the same in real life too. "No, that wasn't me on TV. That was my twin brother Dan. Dan David Schine. I am totally all in for the communist cause pal. Er, comrade."
Before they just go for the theft anyway the Duo crash in.
Cassandra: "I've got your number."
Batgirl (also crashing in): "And what about me? Do you have my number too?"
Cassandra: "Other women's numbers don't interest me, Batgirl. (She pulls out a toy gun) This is the kickiest weapon you ever dug, Batman. My own unpatented Alvinoray gun. And it's the last thing you're about to see."

(The weapon is a bad pun of bandleader Alvino Rey. It was originally called the Ronald Ray Gun, which I'm sure the later president would have wanted to trade during the Iran-Contra affair.) 

She pulls the trigger, turning on a light on the top of the barrel which causes the Trio to...stand still and start shivering. That's it.
Robin: "Holy helplessness."
Batgirl (looking down at her breasts): "I feel like I'm getting flat."
Cabala: "What a pity."
Cassandra: "This gun is altering the structure of your molecular cells and revving your third dimensions."
By the time the couple steal the Diamond the Trio...have all become cutouts. Holy Flatline! 

Schine: "Just a moment, madam. Attacking the Terrific Trio is one thing. That's not my business and I  don't wanna get involved. But stealing the Mope Diamond is another matter completely."
Cassandra: "Dan, how would you like to get mailed home? COD?"
Schine: "Would you like the diamond gift-wrapped, madam?"
Unfortunately he did not also offer complimentary anti-communist pamphlets, but with hastily added anti-Batman references scribbled on them. Maybe those are only for repeat customers.

At the Office Gordon is worried on not hearing anything from the Trio in the past half an hour. (:16)
O'Hara: "Oh, they should be coming through that door right now."
Sure enough he is literally proven right. O'Hara holds one in his arms, finding it odd he can feel body warmth and a regular pulse, which is enough to prompt a commercial break.

When we return, Gordon is still stumped on what to do, even after six medical opinions. "So all we can do is make them as comfortable as possible while they live out their sightless soundless, selfless well-flattened lives."
O'Hara: "What about the voice that answers the Batphone every now and then and asks us to hold on? Maybe he can help us, whoever he is."

Yes, for some reason O'Hara thinks a disembodied spirit is on the other end of the Bat-tin can and string. 

So they call Alfred over the Batphone to inform him of the situation.
Alfred: "All right, have them sent care of general delivery to the main Gotham City Post Office and I'll  see what I can do."

Back at the lair, Cabala still wants some time to get groovy with his lady. I think he took a different pill for this, if you get me. Cassandra has him wait until they break into the prison.

Narrator: "Meanwhile, at the Gotham City Post Office, trusty Alfred, disguised as a doddering dodo, accepts delivery of the human parcel post."
Unfortunately Alfred does not dress up as an extinct bird. Instead this cover consists of...a small goatee. The cutouts still look in good condition. Perhaps that is where they spent all the budget on. 

Cut to the Prison, where alarms are blaring despite nothing being seen. This is just a diversion for the couple to sneak in yet another highly guarded and secure office. Cabala has Warden Crichton at gunpoint while Cassandra speaks over the public address system on releasing the supervillains. "I'm sorry I can't do the same for the rest of you boys. But too many crooks spoil the broth. You know how it is."

Of course the supervillains are all kept next to each other.

Of course they are all being played by their stunt doubles. All the budget went to the cutouts you know.

So we have "Riddler" (in greased and parted hair), "Catwoman" (once more White), "Penguin" (with his trademark laugh), "Egghead" (without Olga's stunt double), "King Tut" (somehow imprisoned despite being back in his normal self back at Yale), and "Joker" (in a mullet).

The Co-Bros try to be fair, noting that they at least had their recorded laughs, and the original audience would probably have not been able to see on their 15 inch screens. Also its certain the show-runners did this as a last hurrah for their stunt performers for their brief moment. 

During all this Alfred has somehow taken the cutouts by himself back to the Batcave, where he starts up the Three Dimensional Bat-Restorer to put them into. (:22) He quickly takes his leave to retrieve the Batmobile and to make sure Barbara does not see him. 

So all of a sudden, no more cutouts (unfortunately);  we are back to the Trio of actors for as much as wen pay them for the story's shooting. At least Barbara finally gets to see the Batcave for the first and only time in the season.
Batgirl: "It's very impressive."
Robin: "And functional."
Batman gets called on the breakout, but not to worry. He has "the Special Escaped Archcriminal Batlocator in the Batcomputer" for just this occasion and only this occasion, which has tracked them to "the basement of Mortar and Pestle Building on Abracadabra Alley."
The Batmobile returns and Batgirl is even more amazed. Batman has to put her to sleep so as not to figure out their location. At least it won't be like all the other women in the Batcave over the stories who either get gassed or killed. On that front she's lucky. "Guard your face, Robin," Batman warns, so the sidekick turns his face and puts up his hand.

Actually, did Alfred place Barbara in the boot so she could not know where they were going? Actually actually, if the cutouts were still 'alive', what happened to their senses? Were they blind and/or deaf this whole time? Now that is a frightening situation. 

Robin: "You know something, Batman?"
Batman: "What's that, Robin?"
Robin: "She looks very pretty when she's asleep."
Batman: "I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum." (Emphasis mine.)

RD is amazed Craig did not crack a smile or laugh on hearing that line. According to Ward, West kept flubbing the original line so much the director just let him ad lib it. Honestly, it's far better this way than what was originally intended.  

At the lair, the supervillains all sit attentively (backs to the camera of course), as Cassandra divides the city among them and their stock audio cues.
"Catwoman gets all the fish market areas. Egghead, poultry farms. Penguin, ponds and park. (Cue Penguin coughing-laugh) King Tut, museums. Riddler and Joker, all the amusement parks. We get 50
percent of everything you steal. But in return, I provide camouflage pills and protection."

She begins giving them their share of the pills as the Trio arrive, noting in particular that becoming unconscious removes the cloak.  

 

So yes, the Trio fight invisible enemies.

 

And losing.

 

So Batgirl suggests evening the odds by turning out the lights.

 

So yes, the Trio fight invisible enemies in the dark.

 

Budget? What budget?

 

Thankfully instead of a shot of nothingness (because the recording film would still require a budget), there is a series of fight bubbles, and then all the villains are on the floor (and face down). And Cassandra can't use her toy gun because Batman has "an anti-Alvinoray Bat Disintegrator" to counter it. 

RD hopes the couple will share a jail cell so Cabala will finally handle his blue balls.

For a change, the episode does not end at the Office. Instead the Undynamic Duo are at Minerva's Mineral Spa.
O'Hara: "If she manages to smuggle one of her camouflage pills?"
Gordon: "The prison matron isn't named Mrs. Frisk for nothing, Chief O'Hara. Besides, the warden had  special polka dot cells painted for them. They won't blend into that background."

O'Hara tells his boss to try the "eggplant jelly vitamin scalp massage" as the aforementioned Minerva, of course Zsa Zsa Gabor appears. "After treatment in my mineral spa, you'll feel like new men. I certainly feel like a new man."

Narrator: "Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara will indeed feel like new men after a treatment in  Minerva's Mineral Spa, for Minerva's treatment has many surprises. One, a startling device for relieving  Gotham City's millionaires of all their millions, as you will see in our next episode!"

At least they have the budget to put THE END right on Gabor's bottom. 

Really.

RD thinks the story was well written, but it would have been far better if it was one of the Big Four instead. The two just did not get the couple.

SPEAKING OF the title villain Vince guesses 45 years (Ida Lupino was 50) and gives her 3 Batpoles. RD thinks that "very generous" as she was "completely plain." He didn't even give a number! I assume he also has the same score. 

To be fair to Lupino, she was hardworking behind the camera as she was on it, especially during the 50s. Among other things she was the first woman to direct a film noir. She was of great influence to Martin Scorsese, and WWCR icon Bea Arthur decided to act because of her.
Howard Duff was her third husband at the time of filming, and like the other married couple last seen on the show (Cliff Robertson and Dina Merrill) the two had a lot of fun in the roles. Duff (here 54 years young), had previously been on the show as a Window Celebrity parody of his Sam Spade.

RD is trying to decide how to theme the Arcade for February. He also is preparing himself some more for Gooker voting.

• Special Guest Villain: Dr. Cassandra Spellcraft (Ida Lupino)
• Extra Special Guest Villain: Cabala (Howard Duff)

 

• Window Celebrity: 8. Ron Popeil, G. David Schine, Riddler, Catwoman, Penguin, Egghead, King Tut, Joker
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. Living in two dimensions.
  

Episode 122: Holy Known Unknown Flying Objects!: December 25, 2023

The Joker's Flying Saucer
February 29, 1968
"The Joker is back in Gotham City, this time with his sights set on worldwide domination. He plants rumors of an invasion from outer space, then sets out to gather the Beryllium metal needed to build an actual flying saucer. Batman picks up on his scheme and sends Alfred to check up on a stash of the metal. But when Alfred is mistaken for a mad scientist by the Joker, he is hauled off to the villain's lair along with Batgirl. The Dynamic Duo are on their way when a bomb planted by one of the Joker's henchmen goes off, leaving them unconscious, and their Batcave cut off from the rest of the world."
45 minutes

RD: HAS FLYING SAUCER JITTERS. Vince thinks he was fooled by next week's episode. This week's episode was the only one to air on a leap day (with the 10th Annual Grammy Awards which aired from LA, Chicago, and Nashville). 

Narrator: "Night over Gotham City. But what else is over Gotham City? Not flying saucers!"

In his Office, Gordon has to answer the phones personally for some reason to dispel the rumors of flying saucers. Bonnie then calls on behalf of a Mrs. Green who claims she met a Martian in Gotham Park.

Instead of seeing her we instead cut to the Library. RD thought Barbara's red and green striped dress was not her best, although it still seemed smart looking. She is talking to one Professor Greenleaf who is wearing his own Riddler green suit, who warns of the city being overrun by "virulent living organisms from outer space".
On cue, someone in his own green suit and green face paint "invades" by knocking some books off the shelves. This prompts Barbara to scream at who RD thinks is more of a leprechaun than an alien.

Cut back to the Office, where the Undynamic Duo look out the window.
Gordon (looking at the Batphone): "What we need is some experienced help."
RD: "Does Batman have some Martian experience which we have not been acquainted?"
I mean, the Martian Manhunter did have his own solo series for a few months by that time. Why couldn't they have tried to contact him?

Anyway, cue titles.

Narrator: "But what's this? In a big black warehouse an abandoned launching pad factory, our old nemesis, the Joker, up to a  sinister sky-born caper."
Joker's goons Shamrock and Chartreuse are in green turtlenecks, as is his lady Emerald who thinks him "marvy" and calls him "poopsie".
Joker: "I was positively inspired, completing these plans for my flying saucer, with the help of my  cellmate, a mad scientist who had a passing penchant for picking pockets. Shortly, it'll be speeding across the skies of Gotham City. Oh, but not without warning.Ooh, the rumors I've planted. Yes, the whispers are flying. What scuttlebutt is afloat on my private grapevine."

RD wants to hear ballyhoo more duing the day.

Cut back to the Office, again, this time with the Dynamic Duo present to meet Mrs. Green. Shockingly, Barbara is not there with them (yet). (:11) Mrs. Green could not understand what the Martian supposedly said to her.
Batman: "That's understandable since there is no life on Mars as we know it. There can be no intelligible Marsish language."
Mrs. Green: "It's not often I run into a man 3 feet tall."
Robin (leaning into her way too closely): "Three feet tall? Holy interplanetary yardstick."
Mrs. Green: "I'm sorry to be so lacking in details, gentlemen, but I thought the incident should be  reported."
Batman: "It's the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a  man from Mars in a public park. Gotham City Penal Code Section 32, Subsection 14."
The Bros wonder how big the Code should be if it includes such uncommon subsections. RD wishes he got one for Christmas.
After Mrs. Green leaves, and noting that she seemed familiar, the Duo decide to check the Batcomputer. Only now does Barbara run in,  reporting on the "little green man from Mars" squatting in the Library. 

Narrator: "But the library isn't the only place the little green man is scrambling."
He is now seen meddling with something in the Batmobile, still not looking convincing.

Back at the lair, Joker is on the phone with Greenleaf and Green, who are unsurprisingly also goons (and siblings), spreading the "flying saucer jitters" throughout the city. 

Joker does, however, have a spaceship under construction.

Yes, like an actual mobile flying interstellar spaceship.

 

He doesn't say where it came from or how he got it. He just has it in his possession all of a sudden.

Even in a universe where another superhero alien is hiding in another city as a mild-mannered bespectacled reporter, this is too farfetched even for me. 

However Joker needs Nilanium beryllium to finish building it. On a completely unrelated note, the Wayne Foundation has a large supply of it for research in its Metals Research Wing. He sends his goons to go get it so he can get his spacecraft up and running, so he can use it to issue his demands for "complete capitulation, complete
cooperation, complete control" of the entire world. 

Of course he can't go with them because he's too well known, but before he can expound further the "Martian", another goon named Verdigris, gives his own laugh as he returns from his own jitter spreading. Also he put a bomb in the Batmobile that will detonate at midnight. "We Martians like to dispose of our Earthly enemies at the witching hour."

In the Batcave, Batman finally remembers Mrs. Green as a "front woman for that bunko artist who, at one time, was blackmailing greengrocers."
Alfred: "It's a small world, isn't it, sir?"
Batman: "It's a small universe, Alfred."
Fully satisfied that this is in fact a hoax, he awaits the "Current Criminal Activity Bat-Disclosure Unit" to tell them that Joker is in fact "manufacturing a flying saucer."
Robin: "Gosh, Batman. This machine's almost human."
Guessing that Joker may go after light metals, including their supply, Batman asks Alfred to check the Wing in person. He'll inform Gordon, who is still in the Office at a quarter to midnight. RD wonders if instead of his own place he just has a dog bed in Barbara's Apartment. 

Speaking of Babs, she is also there with the Undynamic Duo overhearing the call.
Narrator: "On a night filled with incredible happenings, Barbara Gordon makes her own incredible  change into Batgirl as the witching hour arrives in the Batcave."
RD wishes the show had a Halloween episode. Perhaps one involving a villain who also crimes at various important days of the year.

Anyway, the clock strikes midnight and the Batcave explodes with a great force. 

All of a sudden we cut to the lair with Joker celebrating having his beryllium - as well as Batgirl and Alfred. (:24)

 

To cover for the lack of an in-between scene which would have cost money, the script's expository dialogue has Alfred - who is mistaken for a mad scientist - captured at the Wing when the goons made their robbery, along with Batgirl who had also come to investigate "caught coming in a window". 

This is despite Joker having met Alfred before a couple of times already, knowing fully well who the man is by now, including when he played his own brother. Perhaps he thought he had another brother on his hand.

Verdigris reports the explosion in such a melodramatic matter that the Bros couldn't help but appreciate. They also appreciate the villains planning to get rid of Batgirl by strapping her onto a rocket.

Cut back to the "battered" Batcave. Robin is still stuck in the Batmobile. Batman was somehow knocked on top of the 30 foot atomic pile. They've also been knocked out for 8 and a half hours. Thankfully they were wearing their "Anti-Thermal Bat T-shirts" to protect them, which also would have protected their faces - oh wait.
Batman: "Quickly, old chum. We must rig up an Auxiliary Circuit Bat-regenerator. (To the camera) Who knows what's happened to the outside world?"

Gordon (in the Office): "Who knows what's happened to the Caped Crusaders?"
Mayor Linseed (in the Office): "Do you expect me to report that to Governor Stonefellow? To the president? Londinium? To the United Nations? This is an emergency, commissioner. Flying saucers and men from Mars don't invade our country every day."
O'Hara: "Well, at least they've stopped invading for a minute. The sky is as clear as a die."
Gordon: "Die? A very poor choice of words, Chief O'Hara. That's what we may all be doing if the Martians return. Dying! If we can't find Batman and Robin. Not to mention Batgirl."

Somehow in that eight hour window of opportunity Joker has...only finished literally tying Batgirl to a rocket.
"I've thrilled many a woman, Batgirl, but I never sent one completely in orbit before." [sic]
He also doesn't notice Alfred talking into his handkerchief attempting to reach the Duo.
Emerald: "Are you talking to that handkerchief?"
Alfred: "No, just dabbing my eyes. Stronger men than I have wept at moments like this."

Batman (relaying Alfred): "And then he's about to launch his own flying saucer."
Robin: "Holy known unknown flying objects!"
Batman: "...What?"
Robin: "Holy known unknown flying objects!"
Batman sends him to the Batcopter while he informs Gordon.

Thankfully for Batgirl, the "automatic fuse extinguisher in my Batgirl utility belt" puts out the cartoonishly large fuse to send the rocket flying. Joker decides to take her and the "mad scientist" in the flying saucer. 

So the flying saucer actually takes off for real. Gordon is informed that it's been seen over Russia. "BARBARA!" he exclaims randomly. "I wonder what's happened to her in all this excitement."

So the Joker and green goons are all sitting around a bridge as they somehow travel in outer space, cosplaying that one show on NBC where the goons wear red shirts instead and one guy has pointed ears and the captain makes long-winded speeches. Then again, that show's third season would have a bunch of children being led by a trial lawyer in a green muumuu, the pointed ear guy's brain being stolen, and the captain body swapping with an overacting woman. I don't know which is better in its badness.
Joker: "Activate the Supersonic Decelerating Contra-Rotating Turbines, Verdigris. We're getting a little too close to the sun."

Back on Terra, the Dynamic Duo ride the Batcycle into the Batcopter in props that look way too small.

Joker: "Invert the compression radial ratio. Energize the tandem ailerons, Verdigris, while I turn up this Interplanetary Microphone. In 46 and three-eighth seconds, we'll be over Gotham City where I will  ultimate my ultimatum."
He sprays some cough syrup he brought with him into his mouth as Craig tries her best not to laugh on camera. 

The Duo manage to contact Alfred through the Intercosmic Two-Way Thermophone, who informs them through his handkerchief he had put some "homing beryl" in the stolen beryllium. "Just clearing my head. Altitude, you know," he covers. 

Joker: "Hahaha! It's time for my ultimate ultimatum. Hear this. Now hear this. All citizens of Gotham City and the world, this is the Joker speaking to you from outer space. From inner outer space."
Before he can issue his demands, the ship starts moving on its own returning to the launchpad.
Joker: "Depress the Aerothermo Turret Resojets. Accelerate the Isothermal Oxyacetylene  Vaporometers."
Verdigris: "Huh?"
Joker: "STEP ON THE GAS!"

By the way, all that flying saucer 'footage'? Taken from Invaders from Mars 15 years earlier (if IMDB is truthful).

Joker: "I wanted to rule the world from Mars. I liked the looks of that place."
Batman (appearing in the entryway): "Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker." 

In the fight some of the beryllium is used as a weapon, which confused RD since he thought it was supposed to be light. Unfortunately the Joker stunt double is only seen for a second or so. The goons all tumble down the stairs, including one who does it twice for some reason. 

Batman: "It looks like you've flown your last saucer."
Joker: "But I came close, Batman. I came close."
Batman: "Close doesn't count."
O'Hara: "You'll come much closer to washing tin saucers up at Warden Crichton's cosmic calaboose, Joker."

Still, there's going out, and then there's going out after flying into space and back. So perhaps the Joker was the true winner this day in his final appearance.

Barbara takes the opportunity to change back into her civilian dress, having taken an "unexpected little trip" and being told where to go by Bonnie. Cue Gordon looking at her lustily since he didn't get his chance for any groping this episode.

Back at the Batcave much of the damage has been repaired.
Robin: "Well, at least the Joker's Martian invasion has been grounded."
Batman: "For five to ten years, I would imagine."
RD: "Is there any question why Gotham is so riddled with crime?"
The Batphone rings, alerting them to a theft at a jewelry store. Batman asks about the culprits. 

Narrator: "What do they look like? Who could possibly describe Dr. Cassandra and her husband Cabala eyeing the priceless Mope Diamond hungrily and then disappearing? No wonder all of Gotham City is  startled, as you are bound to be in our next episode!"

Vince guesses Emerald was 32 years, way off her actual 43. He didn't find her good looking either due to too much makeup, giving her 4 Batpoles. RD is "very generous" at 5.5. French actress Corinne Calvet's majority of her filmography was in America, with a huge span of highs and lows and what might have beens. 
RD (reading the ever accurate Wikipedia): ""According to one obituary, she was promoted "as a combination of Dietrich and Rita Hayworth", but her persona failed to live up to this description." If someone puts that in an obituary, do you really need to go on Wikipedia and say "yeah she failed to live up to anything like that?" How rude."

RD is preparing for Gooker voting. Vince: "Very interesting."

 

• Special Guest Villain: The Joker [11] (Cesar Romero) [11]

 

• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. To boldly go where no clown prince of crime has gone before.
  

Episode 121: Holy Prose And Cons!: December 18, 2023

I'll Be a Mummy's Uncle
February 22, 1968
"While mining for a rare mineral found only under Wayne Manor, King Tut stumbles upon the Batcave."
46 minutes

RD: Wants a Moorish Castle. Vince wants one despite not knowing what that means.

Despite the actual airdate, the Co-Bros think the episode aired a week earlier. To be fair I would have taught that too. The number one song of the time is one neither is immediately familiar with. It's a real banger though. Vince has to take a while to find it on his phone.

Narrator: "Mount Ararat Hospital in Gotham City, where King Tut's psychoanalysis goes on and on."
Tut's impetus for returning to crime is that...his court appointed psychologist is bored asleep by his charge. Unable to escape through the window he has to get the door key from the man's body.
Dr. Denton (sleeptalking): "So I said to Daddy, "But I'm too young to get married, Pa. I'm only 12 years  old.""
Tut: "You know, I always had a feeling you never really listened to me."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, at the offices of the Rosetta Stone Company..."
Like the previous Peter's Guns And Ammo this place has its own wacky sign: "Manufacturers of cornerstones, curbstones, cobblestones, and milestones."
The owner, also named Rosetta Stone, sits bored while being tied up as Tutt and his goons rob the store, but only up to $47,000. The goons title him the Don Juan of Aswan, which he likes. 

Dr. Denton wakes up enough to call Gordon on the escape. He immediately reaches for the Batphone which cues the titles. The Batmobile speeds to the Office, then we cut to the primary cast-members all assembled (and Barbara in a very lovely bright green dress). 

The group bemoans that Tut would have been fully recovered after...six or seven months.
Barbara: "Ah, yes, but as John Greenleaf Whittier said: "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been."'"
Robin: ""Maud Muller," stanza 53."
Barbara: "Very good, Robin. I didn't know you were a student of the classics."
Robin: "Batman teaches me a little poetry in between remanding criminals to jail."
Batman: "Enough prose and cons, Robin."

The Duo go to check up on Ms. Stone, so that Gordon can suddenly tell his daughter he is thinking of moving to the suburbs.  Barbara offers to find some brokers to help. 

Narrator: "Shortly, at Florence of Arabia's, an intime boîte in the middle east side of Gotham City..." (:10)
The place is closed for "stomach flu". allowing Tut to eat giant turkey legs while watching the aforementioned Florence belly dance, who while very attractive is sadly not played by Peter O'Toole. She accidentally sprays grape juice into his eyes.
Tut: "No matter, Flo. Your assets far outnumber your liabilities. Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt -"
Goon: "Why don't you go on a diet, fatty?"
Tut: ""Why don't you go on a diet?" Why don't you mind your own skinny business?"

His plan is to look for "Nilanium, the hardest metal in the world", of which a large deposit is directly underneath Stately Wayne Manor, "ancestral home of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson." He plans to buy some land right next to the Manor and drill from there to his metal. He goes to see the broker, a colleague of his by the name of Manny the Mesopotamian. RD questions if Bruce would leave any plot of empty land directly next to the Batcave, especially if he could easily buy it himself. 

In the Batcave Alfred serves dinner as they discuss what Tut may be up to. With Batlogic they come to the same conclusion, of which the Batcomputer immediately identifies Bruce's northeastern property.
Batman: " I have put a 200-foot lot up for sale on the edge of Stately Wayne Manor estate to help  alleviate the property shortage."
Alfred: "Jolly decent of you, sir."
Batman: "But I gave the real estate broker specific instructions to ask for a firm $48,000, not $47,000. This machine needs oiling."

Coincidentally, Manny just so happens to be one of Barbara's contacts, who she visits for her father's problem of the week. He also just so happens to be played by the legendary Henny "Take my wife...please" Youngman.
One of his other listings is a Moorish castle for the low low price of $250,000. He is selling that one particular non-Moorish lot for 47, waiving the $1,000 commission fee.
Barbara: "Is that legal?"
Manny: "Well, legal, yes, ethical, no, but nobody ever accused me of being ethical."
She leaves just as Tut and company come in, so she quickly hides to observe the proceeding. Tut signs the title deed without even using a middle initial.
Manny: "That's what I like about you fellas. No haggling."

Vince: "Bro, I haggle at the thrift store."
RD: "Wow."

Barbara manages to make it to the Apartment, calling Bruce as Batgirl to tell him what she saw.
Bruce: "Well, that should make a very interesting neighborhood, probably drive the real estate values straight down. I'm sure he has some diabolical scheme in mind."
Barbara: "I thought you should be made aware of it. I'm going to try and contact Batman now."
Bruce: "I may be talking to him shortly myself, Batgirl. Perhaps I can give him a message for you."

Time for another go at the Batcomputer.
Robin: "Maybe he wants to just settle down and build a house."
Batman: "No, I think not, Robin. Tut doesn't impress me as the be-it-ever-so-humble-there-is-no-place-like-home type of individual."
The Batcomputer then spits out that there is Nilanium under Stately Wayne Manor...and that Tut's mining is halfway to the Batcave.

Cue West's hysterics as he goes into a Bat-panic of a commercial break.

On return, Batman doubts the Batanium Shield will stop any drilling; they have to go above ground and stop him, perhaps in an abandoned mine on his property. They have to take the previously mentioned "subterranean blue grotto exit" to do so, after they call Batgirl.

The Batphone rings in the Office for her (as she was told to wait there for further instructions). Batman tells her to go to the abandoned mine. She puts the phone down and leaves - without telling either of the Undynamic Duo what was said. And no, they don't try to ask either. What a pair.
Vince: "They're way outta their element here, they don't even know where they are at this point."

Batman: "According to my Bat-compass, north by northeast is in a general north-northeasterly direction. Shouldn't take us more than three minutes to run the mile."
Robin: "Gosh, Batman, that's a new world's record."
Batman: "Breaking world's records is just part of crime-fighting, Robin."

Cue the expected Bat-running in front of a rear projection. 

Narrator: "But will they be too late? For at this very moment, outside the abandoned cave from which  Tut is operating..."

The villains are trying to figure out their royal roles until they get stopped by a big cave "lined with some hard substance", and no one has been commissioned royal dynamiter to blow through it. Tut decides to do it himself: "Danger is my middle name."

Before King Danger Tut can do anything "the Dynamic Dullards and the Dynamic Duenna" make their appearance to try and stop them.
Tut: "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin."
The villains run deeper into the cave, risking a deadly explosion rather than a fight, leaving one guy to stall the Trio (for whatever seconds it gives) while they all get in a mine cart.

Robin: "Holy journey to center of the Earth. They won't stop until they -"
Batman: "BOTTOM! Until they reach the bottom!"
Batgirl: "But where is the bottom?"
Batman: "Batgirl, you stand guard in case they come back up. This time, we're gonna have to make the  two-minute mark in the mile, Robin. Let's go."

Cue the expected Bat-running in front of a rear projection. 

But it's too late: the cart crashes straight into the Batcave, and Tut immediately figures things out. "Oh, the world is my oyster! And everyone will be bringing me sauce!"
Batman (running, tired): "A little winded, old chum?"
Robin (running, totally fine): "It takes more than a two-minute mile to make me winded, Batman." 

Searching around the Batcave, Tut finds a storage locker containing a Bat-dummy, which would have tied in to the last appearance if they didn't think of separating an original two-parter. For this writing injustice he starts punching and kicking it. 

Batman: "It's always darkest before the dawn, Robin."
Robin: "I know, I know, and a rolling stone gathers no moss."
Batman: "And we shouldn't cry over spilt milk."
Robin: "Or waste time with old clichés."

Up above Batgirl gets the Undynamic Duo to the cave entrance.
Gordon: "Where is everybody, Batgirl?"
Batgirl: "Oh, they've all gone on a journey to the center of the Earth or something."
Gordon: "The center of WHAAAAAT?"

Trying not to count their chickens before they hatch, the Dynamic Duo step out to exchange more proverbs.
Tut: "Where's your feminine friend? Don't want her to know you're really Bruce Wayne, do you? Well, soon the world will know. You'll have to kill us to keep our mouths shut."

So we finally get our Batcave fight, where just about everything gets knocked down. Even the Bat-chemistry set! Tut's stunt double gets hit with two chairs, but he runs off while his goons are all incapacitated.
Batman (smirking): "I'll give them Batnesia Gas, Robin. Tell Alfred take them topside and deposit them on the  lawn. They won't remember a thing."
Florence: "What about me, Batman? You'll have to kill me to keep me quiet."
Batman: "(Beat for humorous effect) No, I won't. (He sprays her)"

RD: "Word to the wise, to any women out there: whatever you do, whatever your deepest darkest desire is, never ever ever go into the Batcave. If you're lucky, you'll just wind up with amnesia and not remember anything. If you're not lucky, like the girl on the first couple episodes, you'll wind up dead."

That still leaves Tut running up the mine shaft while they're all out of gas.
Batman: "He moves quickly for an overstuffed and unlikely Egyptian pharaoh."

Cue Robin running even more exaggerated than usual as they try to catch the criminal, who has already made it out as he bumps into Batgirl and the other Duo. He doesn't care for his arrest, as he's too giddy from wanting to tell them what he knows - but then he stops himself.
Batgirl: "You appear to be breezy for a man about to be tucked away."
Tut: "I know. And so would you if you knew what I know. And if I know you, no doubt you know what  I know now, no, huh? Why waste time with someone who knows? Gotta find someone who doesn't.  You know?"
Batgirl: "No."

And then a rock lands on his head, knocking him back to being a totally normal Yale Egyptology professor named William Omaha McElroy, who of course has completely forgotten everything.

(The name is a reference to Executive Producer-Narrator William McElroy Dozier, born in Omaha.)

Robin: "Holy razor's edge. Was that a close shave."
Batman: "A calculated risk, Robin. The shale held up by those sagging timbers has been shifting for  decades. All we had to do was taunt Tut with our silence. This caused him to raise his voice three  decibels above high C, which caused the cave-in, which, of course, returned him to normalcy."
Robin: "But how could you be so sure?"
Batman: "I really couldn't, Robin. Earth movement is an inexact science at best. Matter of fact, yodels  have been known to cause avalanches in the Alps. A mere sneeze was the cause of the 1923  Appalachian cave-in."
Robin: "But suppose something went wrong. Suppose Tut didn't raise his voice. What then?"
Batman: "I prefer not to think about those things, Robin. They depress me."

Back at the Office the president at Yale calls to inform that the professor is alright. For now anyway. (:38) Barbara enters to show off her bright orange dress. RD hopes the costumer was paid well if it wasn't actually Craig's own clothes.
Barbara: "Daddy, have you heard the latest rumors? All of Gotham City is buzzing about an imminent  invasion of flying saucers."
Gordon: "Well, now, Gotham City is usually buzzing about something, Barbara."
To test this he offers her a look outside the window, surprisingly not using the excuse for another feel.

Narrator: "Look again! In this flying saucer the Joker is planning an incredible invasion of Gotham  City!"
Joker (laughing): "As soon as the range-sweep radar scanner picks up the tracking pulse amplifier, we  will spin back into the substratosphere, where I will issue my demands that will have not only all of Gotham City but the world at my feet!"

Vince guesses 25 years for Florence and gives her 9 Batpoles like RD, and both thinking her the best of the season, and in fact the best of all just behind Pauline. 23 years Victoria Vetri (credited here as Angela Dorian) was more known for being a Playboy Playmate of much renown, including for the year of 1968; a photo was even snuck aboard Apollo 12. In more recent and bizarre events in 2010 she shot her then fourth husband of 25 years, subsequently serving 7 of 9 years for attempted voluntary manslaughter. (They divorced before her release.)

RD is not used to WrestleCrap being 24 next year. "Do I deserve congratulations for that? I don't know that I do. I think I deserve people questioning what on earth is wrong with me."

 

• Special Guest Villain: King Tut [5] (Victor Buono) [5]

 

• Window Celebrity: 1. Henny Youngman
• SPEAKING OFs: 1. Haggling 
• Brown Hornet Escapes: 1. The inexact science of earth movement.
  

Episode 120: Holy Skywriter!: December 11, 2023

The Great Train Robbery
February 8, 1968
"After his previous battle with the Terrific Trio, Shame now has Batgirl as a hostage. He agrees to a swap when he realizes that Batman and Robin also have Calamity Jan's mother, Frontier Fanny. Batgirl informs the Dynamic Duo of a plan for a "great train robbery" that she overheard as a hostage. The three work to figure out Shame's plan and race to stop him. But when they realize they are too late, Batman attempts to lure him out of hiding with an offer of man-to-man combat."
43 minutes

RD: READY TO DRY GULCH VARMINTS. He wishes there was more Shame and Egghead and King Tut and less Mr. Freeze on the show.

Narrator: "Gotham City Central Park, where the Dynamic Duo interrogate Frontier Fanny in Shame's  stable hideout."
We get a repeat of the last scene, to remind us of the situation facing the Dynamic Dingbats. Batman almost reaches for his gun.

The gang goes to Peter's Guns And Ammo with a sign ("Everything for the firearms enthusiast") written in a really goofy font, having left Batgirl in the truck of their vehicle. Peter, showing his experience in running a gun shop, leaves a pistol and ammo on the bare counter for Shame to immediately pick up and point at him. He tells his men to "hang him up" so they literally hang him on a mounted antler's head.

Jan: "Shame, honey, you seen my ma?"
Shame: "Yeah, I seen too much of her lately."
Jan: "I think we must've left her at the stable with the horses."
Shame: "Well, don't worry, nobody will notice."
Jan: "I know she's a battle-ax and an old owl, but she is my flesh and blood."
Shame: "Yeah, I was wondering about that heredity. What'd your father look like?"
Jan: "Oh, he was prettier than my ma."
Shame: "Nobody could be uglier."
Jan: "We could trade her for Batgirl, like a prisoner swap."
Shame: "No, that ain't no swap. If I swapped like that, I wouldn't have a pot to put my head in for a  haircut."
But ultimately he decides to listen to her. They kiss straight into the opening titles.

In Gordon's Office Batman worries of Batgirl's safety. "I think he has something else in mind, something infinitely more heinous."
Gordon worries of Barbara's safety. "While the welfare of Gotham City is important, worries of my  daughter's welfare keep invading my thoughts."
Then Chief Standing Pat just walks in with a "How" and a soft Native American theme instead of any police accompaniment. Not even a couple of officers chasing trying to apprehend him, and perhaps being stymied by all the cigar smoke. 

Batman: "Let's hear what he has to say."
Pat: "Man with blue-and-white face speak with straight tongue."
He offers the hostage trade.
O'Hara: "What's the catch? Shame usually has three or four aces and a derringer up his scheming sleeve."
Pat: "You no try catch us, we let Batgirl go with full scalp safe."
Gordon: "No deal."
Pat: "That's fine by me. Her scalp look good on my belt."

He goes to leave but Batman stops him by...putting his boot on his long buffalo robe. He agrees to the terms over Gordon's objections.
Pat: "Then you bring Fat Squaw to Central American pavilion at Gotham City World's Fair. It closed  now. No one bother us. We meet when little hand is on 11 and big hand is on 12. Chief Standing Pat has spoken."

Narrator: "Meanwhile, back at the ammunition store, Shame and his aides are celebrating their coup." (:15)
Pat informs the group of the deal, but also that Batman is no longer affected by the Fear Gas. Shame states he will "gonna dry-gulch them varmints", but not before he has to be told by Jan that the exchange will be at 11 o'clock. They all leave.
Fred: "Tallyho."
Shame: "Are you sure he's Mexican?"

Narrator: "But even as Batman and Robin race along the highway, Shame is arriving at the Central American pavilion with deadly punctuality."
The gang quickly get into a standoff with the Duo: "Get away from our Fanny!" Batman won't hide behind his Fanny, but he whispers to Robin directly over her that he has a Bat-chemical which can make metal 20 times heavier. Of course he has to throw it (after she shouts at Shane to watch out), which causes the now heavy guns to drop from their hands. RD wonders why they didn't consider using it before in the series. 

Shame: "Doggone it. Doggone it, Batman. You cheated. You know we ain't no good in a fair fight."

So there is another (unfair) fight, which is pretty good. Shame takes a flight through a table. Robin does some actual combat for once. Batgirl manages to free herself by using a sword in a manner that RD found rather sensual before she proceeds with her smiling kicks. Shame has to resort to shooting three pinatas down on the Trio so they can escape. RD thinks they contained not candy by metal toys, which were now heavier thanks to the Bat-chemical.
Batman: "Take heart, Batgirl. All is not lost. We'll catch Shame before this day is through."

Back at the Office Gordon is still panicking over Barbara's condition. Batgirl tries to reassure him, which helps his mood. Surprisingly he does not then start feeling around Batgirl, which makes RD think he only does that to Barbara, his own daughter.

Besides that they still have no idea on Shame's target.
O'Hara: "I think we all need some refreshment. What would you be saying to some soft drinks to cool  off your brows? On me, of course."
Batman: "Splendid idea, Chief O'Hara."
RD is reminded when Batman refused one for finding it "too relaxing"...earlier in the season. Vince thinks it's because O'Hara is paying, through a giant pile of cash that he has in his pocket.
This somehow is the breakthrough Batman needs: "Today's the day when the government ships all the old money out of town by train to be burned. Old money that's tattered and torn is collected by banks and turned over to the treasury for destruction. That must be what Shame's been after!"

Narrator: "But are you in time, Batman? Because, even now, evil events are being put into motion." (:26)
Cue stock footage of a train. The people inside boast of how the train can only be broken into with an acetylene torch and a 283-karat diamond drill, which just by coincidence the gang has. They enter with the Fear Gas.
Train Guard: "Please don't hurt us, mister. I'm a family man. I got a wife and kid."
Train Clerk: "I'm a bachelor, but...but...but I wanna live anyway!"

The Trio arrive too late, but Batman has some soup bravery tablets as an antidote. He also has his own solution: a skywriter drone which he will use to send a message to Shame requesting a showdown. 

Back at the ammo store, the gang decide what to do with their loot, amounting to $60 million.
Fred: "And how is this vast fortune to be allocated?"
Shame: "Yeah he's Mexican, all right. Look, Fred, I got no truck for a man that talks 8 pounds to the  word. Now, you talk English like us normal folks or don't talk, Fred. Get it?"
Fred: "Got it. How do you plan on divvying up the spoils?"
Shame: "That's better. You and the chief get 1 million each. That ought to keep you in tacos for a while."

Pat (staring out the window): "Look. Up in sky."
Fred: "It's a bird."
Jan: "It's a plane."
Shame: "No, it's a message for me."

Onscreen it is only one word: Shame. Offscreen he reads the script, as Batman demands the "lily-livered coward" meet him at high noon for a bare-handed duel. Knowing it's a trap from "that Caped Clown," he tells his gang to notify the police.   

At the location the hero contingent is somber for this duel for some reason.
Batman: "That's why I deliberately chose that urban renewal area, the one that's condemned, so that no  innocent bystanders would get shot up. This town's gotta be cleaned up so that little children are safe  and happy and healthy growing up."
He then dramatically says his goodbyes to each one. 

Of course Shame is not alone, and he tells his gang to shoot at 20 feet.
Jan: "Good luck, Shame, honey."
Shame: "Dumpling, I don't need luck as long as I've got you."
In the back Fred facepalms: "Couldn't you just get sick?"

Shame: "Hey, Batman, you fake. Don't you ever smile? You look grimmer than a losing football coach."
Batman: "Perhaps I should unbend a little. Thank you for the constructive criticism, Shame."
Shame: "Your mother wore Army shoes."
Batman: "Yes, she did. As I recall, she found them quite comfortable."
Shame: "I'm gonna keep on insulting you till you run out of cheeks to turn."
Batman: "If you need to be vitriolic, vituperative and vindictive, Shame, you go right ahead."

Meanwhile Robin and Batgirl see the gang laying in ambush and easily dispatch them all.

Batman: "What's wrong, Shame? Lost your nerve?"
Shame: "How far you figure we are apart?"
Batman: "Eighteen feet, six and a half inches."
Shame: "We're less than 20 feet apart. (Towards where his gang would be) You hear me? We're less than 20 feet apart! (To Batman) You big sissy, you couldn't drive nails in a snow bank."
Batman: "Why would I want to?"

In disgust Shame throws down his hat, revealing the revolver inside. 
Batman quickly disarms him, causing him to drop down and cower in fright.

Shame: "Oh, no! No, spare me, Batman. I ain't nearly, nearly as ornery as I ought to be."
Batman: "Stand up, Shame. You're not worthy of the name Shame. You're a sham, Shame. Don't ever  cry on my tights or pull my leg again."

So Shame gets up, leading to their fight. By which I mean, it's just he and Batman. By which I mean by which I mean, it's just Robertson and West. No stuntmen involved here. It's a very short fight anyway, of which the Dark Knight easily wins. 

Batman: "Shame, I look at you with a mixture of emotions: sympathy and disgust. You're heading for  the last roundup, Shame, because of your greed and your avarice. Otherwise, you might have realized  that good, even though it's sometimes sidetracked, (to the camera) always, repeat, always triumphs over evil."

Back at the Office, Gordon gushes to O'Hara about his one true love (besides Barbara). "It reminded me of that great old movie, Low Midnight or something." Shame is back in prison, and the women are too...as correction officers. Because of course Prosecutor Batman ordered it so.
O'Hara: "At last, maybe things will get back to normal around here."

Narrator: "Normal, Chief O'Hara? With that famed Yale professor of Egyptology back in his King Tut alter ego, escaping from a Gotham City Prison's psychiatrist's couch to begin another cunning caper calculated to confound our Terrific Trio? Watch the next episode to see just how normal things are not  going to be in Gotham City!"

This was obviously a very fun story, and could very well be the high point of the whole season. If only there was more like this instead of visiting Londinium Angeles.

Vince guesses Dina Merrill was 34, somewhat off from 42. He gives her 7 Batpoles, RD 6.5.  

While a well-known actress and model in her own right, Merrill, born Nedenia Marjorie Hutton, may be better known for her wealth and philanthropy. Her mother was Marjorie Merriweather Post, owner of General Foods/Post Cereals. Her father was EF Hutton of the stock brokerage (and Post's second husband; her first, Edward Close, was Glenn Close's grandfather). Merrill's first husband, Stanley Rumbough, was an heir to Colgate. Her third husband, Ted Hartley, was a fellow actor (when not also an investment broker), and they bought and managed RKO Pictures/Pavilion in 1989. Even six years after her death at 93 (in 2017) her net worth of at least $5 billion has made her the world's richest actress.

Vince still has to watch what RD is willing to suffer through for Christmas.

• Special Guest Villain: Shame [2] (Cliff Robertson) [2]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Calamity Jan (Dina Merrill)
  

 

• SPEAKING OFs: 2. Gordon's Office, cheap candy
• RD Time Outs: 1 (Real Quick)
  

Episode 119: Holy Fondue!: December 4, 2023

The Great Escape
February 1, 1968
"Shame escapes from prison, and together with Calamity Jan, goes to work on his newest caper. He leaves a cryptic clue for Batman, Robin, and Batgirl describing the first part of his scheme - the robbery of two opera singers. The Terrific Trio decipher his riddle and attempt to stop him, but when Shame breaks out his "fear gas," the three are left quaking in their shoes."
47 minutes

RD WANTS TO DO SOME FUNNIN'. He wants Vince to join in.

This is the final two-parter in the show's original run. Vince has to explain to the Listeners who Shame was and why he shouldn't be confused with Shane.

Narrator: "Gotham State Prison, a grim and foreboding edifice. It, like politics, has been the last refuge of many a scoundrel. Including that criminal cowpoke Shame."

As mentioned the previous week, Shame is visited by his girl Calamity Jan and her mother Frontier Fanny. Of the two Jan gets villain crediting with him because she is played by Robertson's then wife Dina Merrill, and he would only appear if she also got a part. We will get into her own fascinating life at the next Batpole rating.

Anyway the two women are planning to get him out so he can join their posse gang and get to "funning again".
Shame: "Well, I appreciate it mighty much, Frontier Fanny and Calamity Jan. But I find this here hoosegow's tighter than a New England banker. I likewise opine it'd take more than a pack of wild horses to get me out of here."
Thankfully for him they already have 325 of them wild horses for it. Jan gives her man a kiss, "just a down payment on what you're due."
RD wonders if 'conjugal visits' are part of Warden Crichton's prison program. 

He waits for the escape by playing horseshoes with others in the auditorium.
Prisoner: "Nice timepiece you have there, Shame."
Shame: "Yeah, got it off a railroad man. They gave it to him for 50 years' dedicated service."
Prisoner: "What did you give him for it?"
Shame: "Three bullets. In the head."

Suddenly a gold red tank breaks through a wall, all 325 horsepower worth. The guards respond by shooting live bullets at it as Shame makes his getaway.
Shame: " I gotta hand it to you, Calamity. You're a woman and a half. (Looks at Fanny) If you could  just get rid of the other half."
The Bros wonder where the budget came for this and the last week.

Meanwhile Bruce and Gordon have having Barbara's fondue in her apartment. (:11) Vince has never had fondue, much to RD's sadness. He enjoys taking his wife to the nearest Melting Pot. He can even withstand Vince's voice in his head complaining about the sauces: "You know, bro, it's a lot of calories in that sauce."

Bruce: "Excellent fondue, Barbara. Not often a bachelor gets a good home-cooked meal."
Barbara: "Well, it isn't often a spinster gets to cook for a bachelor."
RD: "Alfred is always making him home-cooked meals!"
RD is a fan of her floral dress but not her giant earrings. 

Her phone rings, and of course it's for her father, as O'Hara informs him of Shame. Meanwhile Bruce has cuff-links that let him connect to the Emergency Bat-Communicator and direct a recording of his voice to "answer" the Batphone.
Bruce: "I think I should run along as well, Barbara. It wouldn't be proper for the two of us to be here  alone in your apartment without a chaperone."
Barbara (subtly): "But what about my fondue?"

After the titles, O'Hara wonders where the villains went...in a large tank that probably can't go as fast as a normal police car, assuming there were even any at the prison.  
Mayor Linseed calls to inform Gordon that they found the tank abandoned on the road.
Batman: "Is it still there?"
Gordon: "No, they towed it, the parking meter had run out."
Batman: "(Beat) I think Mayor Linseed should make some changes in his towing policy."
Bonnie then calls Gordon to tell him he has a horse in the lobby. 
Gordon: "Has the whole world gone batty?"
Cue Batman with a confused look. 

Actually it's a sawhorse with a message from Shame that he will steal "a rock and a roll" from the Gotham City Stage later that day. "I dares you to figure it out, Dynamic Dumb-Dumb."
Batman: "It's full of misspellings, and I'm full of misgivings."
Then Barbara walks in, this time in a light green dress, so she can be told what's going on.  The Duo leave to consult the Batcomputer. 

Narrator: "A short while later, under the cover of darkness, Shame and his cohorts are holed up in  Gotham City's Central Park Stables." (:22)
Shame meets his other goons. There is a typical vaquero in a Spirit Halloween cowboy outfit named Fernando Ricardo Enrique Dominguez, or Fred for short. Of course he speaks in a British accent. There is also a typical American Indian in the expected buffalo robe and war bonnet named Chief Jay Strongbow Standing Pat. Of course instead of speaking he takes a puff on his cigar.
Jan: "That means: "It's gonna be great working with you, and I hope to get to know you better real  soon.""
Shame: "You got all that from one puff?"
Jan: "He talks in shorthand."

First Shame wants to get rid of the Trio. Next he wants to commit "The Great Train Robbery", which Fred doesn't initially find original. He and Pat are to go and check the scene.
Fred: "I stand chastised. ... Your lucidity is surpassed only by your remarkable command and penchant  for gibberish."
Unfortunately Shame can't get to the next step of doing..."sparking" with Jan because of Fanny's cockblocking: "You can't get closer than two feet until a marriage is arranged." She's a bigger threat than any superhero.

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman figures Shame may be after a diamond rock and a bank roll when Barbara calls knowing what the Stage would be.
Batman (lustily): "We obviously need each other, Batgirl."
Cue Barbara gaining an immense blush as they arrange to meet. She puts the phone down as Gordon enters for yet more reaching around of his daugther. RD: ""Daddy may be having ribs tonight!""
Anyway he has two tickets to the Opera that she could share with Millionaire Bruce Wayne. "There's no time for cultural pursuits with Shame on the loose."
Barbara leaves to change into her costume just as Batman calls back, asking Gordon for Batgirl. Cue the two being befuddled. 
Robin: "I don't think we should even attempt to fathom it, Batman. She treasures her own anonymity every bit as much as we treasure ours." 

Narrator: "As Batman and Robin hurry to their appointment, Barbara Gordon transforms herself into  Batgirl, scourge of Gotham City's underworld and defender of truth and justice. But are their actions too late to stop Shame from robbing the Gotham City Stage of a rock and roll? The answer in one breathless minute."

This is of course the halfway mark of the day. (:30)

Narrator: "Gotham City Opera House, where a handful of unlikely visitors are already backstage."
The posse gang, already assembled, faces their greatest threat so far: a surprisingly young stage doorman named Pop. "Well, I'm 17, and it's a time-honored theatrical tradition that no matter how old  or young a stage doorman is, his name has to be "Pop."" Pat knocks him out.
Still it's a bit better than calling him Beaver, since this is in fact an uncredited cameo by Jerry Mathers.

Outside, a handful of likely visitors - the Trio - are assuming Shame will hit here due to the House's production of The Girl of the Golden West. The lead soprano wears a 283 karat diamond pendant, while the lead tenor carries $20,000 in his pocket for good luck.
Shame finds the two singers backstage, and as you'd expect they are arguing about their roles. The gang knocks them out to rob them of their valuables in time for the Trio to arrive for their very intense fight. The Bros consider it the best of the season by far, although Vince wonders why the gang doesn't just shoot them.

The Trio win because of this discrepancy, so the gang breaks out the FEAR GAS on them. This has the effect of making them overact more than usual as they beg for their lives. Batman even puts Batgirl in front of him, offering her to the gang as tribute. Vince admired how West enjoyed doing things as goofy as possible if he could get away with it.
Shame: "How do you like that, scaredy bats? (Laughs) Hey, Fred. Did you hear that? That's pretty good. "Scaredy bats.""
The gang leaves, leaving the Dynamic Duo behind still cowering in fear. 

Jump cut to the Batcave, where the Duo have managed to return to despite still being afflicted. (I'd like to think they ran down the streets whopping and hollering loudly in fear at everyone to drive them off.) Alfred tries to feed the two some antidote soup.
Batman: "What are you trying to do?"
Robin: "It's probably poison. He wants to see us dead. He's always hated us."
Batman: "Yes, he has. You're right, Robin. ... You're not to be trusted either, Boy Wonder."
Robin: "Well, neither are you."
Alfred manages to get them to eat just as the Batphone rings.
Batman: "What's that beeping?"
Alfred has to answer Gordon, who tells him that both Batgirl and Barbara are missing. He relays this to Batman who is quickly shaking the effect off. "But there seems to be a slight residue of fear left.  However, I must shunt this aside and press on."
He and Robin then dash off to the Stables lair which is just across the street from the opera house (perhaps once more running the streets whooping and hollering loudly in fear at everyone to drive them off).

This did answer RD's wonder on how the equally fear gas using but much more intimidating Scarecrow would have worked in a potential Season 4. Now he just wants a whole season of Scarecrow sharing the Trio shitless. 

Speaking of the lair, Shame argues with Fred on where to obtain an acetylene torch for their plan. "You sure he's Mexican?" he asks Jan. Meanwhile Fanny is arguing with Pat.
Jan: "You and Ma and me, living on our own spread west of Laramie, where the air is clear and smog- free, and the corn is as high as Chief Standing Pat's eye. Can't you just picture it?"
Shame: "I'm picturing about two-thirds of it."
As they still have Batgirl captured out back, Jan wants to shoot her and be done with it, but Shame prefers her alive. They move in to kiss - and Ma intervenes.
Shame: "Why couldn't you been born an orphan?"
As they turn and leave his wall-mounted lucky horseshoe falls off and hits Fanny on the head knocking her out. This is forceful enough to cause a commercial break. 

When we return the Duo find her and consider having her as their hostage.
Batman: "It hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin?"
She pulls a gun on them, so Batman just immediately disarms her and holsters the gun in his utility belt. He asks about Shame.

Fanny: "Wouldn't you like to know."
Batman: "Yes, we would like to know."
Fanny: "Well, I'll tell you this, dynamic dummies. Do anything to me, and Batgirl's chances of living  through the night ain't worth a pitcher of warm tears."
Batman: "I never met a person I didn't like, Frontier Fanny. But in this case, I may have to make an  exception."

Narrator: "Have Batman and Robin been hornswoggled? Watch the next episode for the thrilling  conclusion!"

RD warns Vince not to watch the movie he's reviewing for Christmas. Vince ignores it.

 

• Special Guest Villain: Shame [2] (Cliff Robertson) [2]
• Extra Special Guest Villainess: Calamity Jan (Dina Merrill)
  

 

• Window Celebrity: 1. Jerry Mathers