(RD: Before we get into the recap I got to admit I dropped the ball here. Personal family issues kind of blew up in my face so this got delayed by a couple of days. My bad.)
Before we go on with the recap I found out some very interesting news about one of the cast members for this horrendous show. For you see before she became a part of WWE Eva Marie was a…Contestant in the 2012 “Miss Double D-Cember Beauty Pageant”!
Now for those that aren’t familiar with this pageant; the “Miss Double D-Cember Pageant” is held by local So Cal radio station KROQ as a part of “The Kevin & Bean Show”. Basically it’s a pageant where they want to show hot chicks in bikinis with barely any talent trying to score free concert & event passes. Eva Marie was a contestant using the name "Natalie" but failed to win. It’s kind of famous around here that all walks of women try out; from office personnel to porn stars (Porn Star Sara Stone)! Not kidding. A former porn star did compete in the “Miss Double D-Cember Pageant” & now it looked like Eva Marie did too.
From a whore who falls short in getting herself in an orgy for “Avenge Sevenfold” tickets to a WWE Diva. Once again WWE picks another great woman “talent” to represent them & by “talent” I mean “sex toy”.
Enough making fun of Eva Marie now because I can sure make LOTS of fun of her in this recap so here we go!
Previously on Total Divas…
Episode 4: “The “FAT” Twin” OR “Horny Natalya”
We’re in what it looks like Kansas City as Nikki & Natalya are doing some shopping when they passed by a clothes shop that Nikki wants to check out so she can buy something sexy for John Cena. Natalya wants to help Nikki find something perfect to wear for Nikki but Nikki wants Natalya want to find something sexy for her boyfriend Tyson Kidd whom she’s been with for over a decade! Natalya mentions that ever since Tyson Kidd got his knee injury there has been no sex life between them at all! Nikki is trying to find something sexy for Natalya but honestly she thinks Natalya & Tyson are like an “old couple”.
(RD: “And what’s wrong with being an old couple. It shows they are loyal to one another while I’m betting Cena will drop your ass Nikki fast if he finds someone hotter than you.”) Natalya finds something Nikki thinks is not sexy so Nikki finds something for herself & Natalya to try on. Nikki comes out in a pink see-through bra & underwear combo while Natalya tries on a stunning black braw & underwear combo with satin robe
(RD: “Purr…”). Nikki gets dressed while Natalya tries on a sexy red bra & underwear set.
(RD: “Yum. Sometimes you forget that Natalya is a skilled pro wrestler & PROBABLY a couple of the women that’s holding the Diva’s Division together, the other is AJ Lee, but she is one fine piece of ass.”) Natalya thinks she found something to turn Tyson on.
Total Divas Title Entrance of Long Death!
RAW’s setting up in the Sprint Center at Kansas City. Our cast members are getting dressed for an autograph signing. Cameron notices Nikki’s fake knockers & Nikki loves them. Nikki thinks Bree wants a boob job, Bree’s proud of her boobs. Cameron’s not happy that she’s flat-chested. Cameron tries to put some falsies into her top but Naomi stops her thinking she looks fine the way she is. The Bellas & Funkadactyls make their way to the signing area. Cameron’s noticing how the fans are eyeing Nikki’s surgically enhanced funbags but Naomi says that Nikki is wearing a push-up bra so of course everybody’s noticing them! Nikki is rubbing it in Cameron’s face how the fans are drooling over her & her saline bags. Cameron’s rubbing it in Nikki’s face saying she’s getting a boob job because she wants more money.
(RD: “There are only three jobs where a boob job might help a woman get money: Model, Stripper, or Porn Star. Just sayin’.”) Naomi’s telling Cameron to shut up on the boob job talk. Cameron tells Naomi that she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon & she’s coming along!
We’re in the hotel room with Bree & Daniel Bryan talking about where to go for breakfast. Daniel’s looking for a place to eat on his Smartphone. Bree’s looking at herself in the mirror thinking she’s fat.
(RD: “Really?!? Bree’s borderline into Kelly Kelly ‘walking skeleton’ look here!”) Daniel thinks it’s funny that Bree always worried about her weight.
(RD: “ACK! Apologize! Now! Daniel Bryan’s going to be a dead man soon! Never laugh that your woman is worried about her weight! Never!”) Bree wants to do a juice cleanse for an upcoming WWE Photo shoot but Daniel thinks Bree looks perfect.
We’re heading over to Tampa, FL where Natalya comes home to see Tyson watching a past WWE PPV in the Living Room. Natalya says she knew Kidd ever since they were kids & fell in love when they grew up in the pro wrestling world.
(RD:” AW! That makes me feel all squishy.”) Natalya’s trying to talk Tyson into going out for dinner but Tyson just wants to watch “Team Hell No” (Daniel Bryan & Kane) take on “The Shield” (Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose). Natalya says ever since Tyson got injured he spends most of his time in physical rehab which leaves her as a caretaker & loosing that spark in the relationship.
(RD: “In Tyson Kidd’s defense as a person who went through physical rehab let me say that it is a PAIN to go through. Just sayin’.”) Natalya goes into the bedroom & changes into that black bra & underwear set she bought to show Tyson; Tyson reacts as if nothing has changed.
(RD:”WHAT?!?! Did his penis also get injured as well?!? You have one attractive blonde with great boobs IN HER UNDERWEAR & YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING?!?!? F&$k you Tyson Kidd!”) Natalya just gives up, lies down on the sofa & puts her head on Tyson’s lap thinking she has self-image issues.
(RD: “Dear God Almighty!”)
Nikki wants to have lunch with The NXT Divas mainly for the sole reason of keeping an eye on Eva Marie. The NXT Divas arrive & lunch starts. Eva Marie & Nikki start talking about Instagram & their followers
(RD: “Honestly I want to smack them for this. For those that know me I think all Social Media is just one giant ‘Hey-Look-At-Me!’ deal so I barely believe in it but for those that do follow me on Twitter & FB thanks for putting up with my crap. Anyway though shut up Eva Marie!”) when Eva Marie spots someone posting on Nikki’s Instagram pictures saying she’s “fat”; of course that pisses Nikki off but at the same times she says she doesn’t care.
(RD: “That was the whole purpose of that comment. He was trying to piss Nikki off! For that he gets 5 TrollaBucks to spend at Trolla but he can only spend it when there’s a full moon.”) Eva Marie & Nikki go into a debate over women & self-image issues while Nikki actually cries over it.
(RD: “Hey Daniel! A Bella hater made Nikki cry!”)
We’re in San Diego as Nikki is having dinner with Bree & Daniel; Nikki’s considering getting desert first for their dinner. Daniel mentions that Nikki always gets desert first. Bree notices that Nikki’s drinking & eating desert & wants to tell her to stop with these eating habits because WWE hired identical sexy twins. Bree tries to convince Nikki to go on a juice cleanse with her which Nikki reluctantly agrees to because maybe she needs to lose weight.
(RD: “The Bellas need to lose weight like Blade needs to be sober.”)
We’re in Los Angeles, CA where we see Jimmy Uso & Naomi waiting for Cameron who pulls up In a very expensive car dressed like she’s the “Black Paris Hilton” with little Chihuahua dog . Cameron wants to take Naomi with her to the plastic surgeon today; Naomi says she wants to take Jimmy along for the “male perspective” & also secretly to talk Cameron out of getting a boob job. Jimmy forcefully gets in the back seat holding Cameron’s dog “Noodle” & unfortunately for Jimmy Noodle gets car sick but it’s okay with Cameron because…
Cameron (right):
“She’ll probably eat it up.”
Naomi(left):
“What?”
Cameron (right):
“Dogs like to eat their throw up.”
(RD: “Uh…no Cameron. Most dogs don’t eat their own throw up. My family has one for years & he never ate his own puke. What an idiot! Sheesh!”)
The Funkadactyls & Jimmy arrive at the plastic surgeon & they talk to a female consultant who happened to have her own boob job here. Cameron is trying to get how the whole boob job process works then the consultant whips out her boobs from her blouse for the whole world to see.
(RD: “Come on E! Move those pixels damn it!”) Naomi is kind of overwhelmed by it while Cameron gets a free feel-up on the consultant.
(RD:”Oh did I mention that the consultant is cute with nice D-Cups! Damn it! I wish I was there!”) The consultant says the surgeon will be in any minute, if they have any more questions, & if she wants to show them her boobs again. Naomi wants Jimmy to see the consultant’s boobs so she drags Jimmy from the waiting room to the consulting room & the consultant whips out her boobs again which Jimmy just covers his face.
(RD: “OOH! There’s a problem. On one side you got a nice pair of boobs that a hot woman is willing to let them see BUT you got your fiancé there so you don’t want to look that interested. Man it sucks to be Jimmy Uso right now. I wonder if I can bang the consultant? Hrm…”)Naomi is offering Jimmy a “free pass” on this one so Jimmy has a little breast play on the consultant.
(RD: “I think it’s best to say that Naomi is without a doubt the best fiancée EVER!”)
Jimmy goes back to the waiting room acting like he’s got the vapors. MEANWHILE the surgeon arrives & offers Cameron the various sizes & choices that she might want to “upgrade” from boob wise. The surgeon offers Cameron to take the implants home so she can try them out. Naomi asks Cameron to do one of their dance routines with the implants to see what she would be working with. So Cameron does some booty shaking & the implants fly out of her top, Naomi thinks there’s something wrong with Cameron.
(RD: “What? You mean Cameron’s a dumbass? I think we all know that.”) Unfortunately for Cameron the surgeon recommends 1-2 months off from WWE to recover from the surgery which is something Naomi is not too thrilled to hear.
Back in San Diego as The Bellas stop at a juice bar to get some drinks to go. Bree wants this to work so they can be identical again but after drinking her juice Nikki thinks it tastes like “a garden”. Bree wants them to stick on this juice cleanse by drinking it at least 5 times a day which is something Nikki is not too fond of.
Back to Tampa as Natalya & Tyson are getting lunch at a restaurant. Natalya wants to stay away from the sexy stuff & stick to wanting to talk about their upcoming wedding. Natalya wants a small wedding which is about 150 people or so & most of them are Hart Family members & WWE friends. Tyson isn’t too serious about the wedding talk
(RD: “It’s because he’s a guy!”) & thinks this is just something that Natalya wants. Natalya wants to negotiate for how many guests should be in the wedding but thinks Tyson’s not serious about any of it, Tyson’s more concerned about his knee injury more than anything which doesn’t please Natalya at all. Tyson doesn’t want to talk about the wedding which Natalya changes the subject.
We’re back & The Bellas are in their car & Nikki is not too thrilled so far on her juice cleanse because she’s dizzy & hungry. Bree has a couple of juice bottles for them to drink. Nikki is regretting going on a 20 DAY juice cleanse & she’s bitchy.
(RD: “Since when is Nikki NOT bitchy.”)
Back at the hotel where Jimmy & Naomi are enjoying life poolside. Cameron then walks out sporting her temporary implants to show off. Cameron’s been sleeping & wearing them so far all day & she thinks she looks hot right now with the implants. Naomi wants to see Cameron’s boobs handle the pool so she wants Cameron to take a swim; Cameron won’t do it unless Naomi gets in the pool. So there they are Naomi in the pool & Cameron decides to jump in the pool when one of her implants POP out of her top & land in the pool, which Naomi now knows that breast implants do indeed float in water.
(RD: “Pfft. Guy science 101! We all knew that!”)
We’re at Nikki’s apartment where Bree’s telling Nikki about her day when Bree’s noticing something fishy is going on with Nikki. Bree does some scavenging around the kitchen & finds an empty wine bottle which Nikki doesn’t consider cheating NO! Wine has “Anti-oxidants” according to Nikki. Bree’s mad that Nikki cheated at the juice cleanse & thinks Twitter is right by calling Nikki fat!
(RD: “HOLD ON THERE! Neither of The Bellas are fat & for Bree to call her fat is probably one of the most messed up things ever! This is why women have horrible image problems.”)
Nikki thinks Bree was being rude for calling her fat & doesn’t want to be all skeletal like Bree!
(RD: “Nikki Bella may be a gold-digging angry bitch but in this instance I actually agree with her.”)
Back in LA at Cameron’s apartment where boyfriend Vincent
(RD: “The guy from episode 1 that stupidly wanted to fight Brodus Clay of all people.”) wants to see Cameron in her new implants. Cameron comes out with two different sizes, one B-Cup & one C-Cup, to see which one Vincent likes. Vincent gets to cop a feel & he likes the C-Cups. Cameron does a quick change & comes back sporting F-Cups!
(RD: “Okay Cameron sporting those puppies I would love. Hey I’m a big boobed lover all right?”) Vincent is literally sweating & drooling over Cameron’s F-cup monsters, Cameron thinks they are too big & heads back to her bedroom.
(RD: “Hey! No boobs are too big. It’s the women having them make them look bad!”)
The Bellas are going off to a “Summerslam” photo shoot. Bree tells Nikki she’s feeling great because of the juice cleanse but Nikki thinks Bree’s supporting a guilt trip on her. Nikki goes on a hell of a rant on Bree thinking what she’s doing is BS & hates it when she gets called fat by the haters but having her own twin sister say that to her is BS & walks off AGAIN!
We’re back as Bree finds Nikki back at the trailer & Nikki is sick of all the “fat” comments & blames Bree for all of her image problems & loves her curves. Bree apologizes because she THOUGHT she was helping Nikki out & mentions her self-image problems as well. Both apologize for the mess that they caused to each other & say they are going out to eat. Bree finally accepts that being identical twins isn’t a selling point to them.
Over to Natalya’s house when Tyson mentions that he has a special surprise for Natalya today. So the couple take a nice car trip where Tyson has a surprise for Natalya & that is…Get married at a court house right now!
(RD: “God you’re an idiot Tyson Kidd!”)
Natalya isn’t too thrilled with Tyson’s surprise. Tyson was thinking he wanted to do something special to THEIR relationship which involves him & Natalya. Natalya is upset about this & wanted to have the family be involved in their marriage. Tyson wants to do it now. Natalya doesn’t want to do this at all & wants to go home. Tyson stops her thinking the courthouse marriage is the right thing to do. Natalya lets Tyson Kidd HAVE IT by going verbal at him calling him an un-romantic poser & she wanted the big marriage because she has NOTHING with him at home & he treats her like one of the guys & hell Tyson pays more attention to their pet cats than her! Natalya calls Tyson “pathetic” & runs away from him. Natalya then calls their marriage off!
We’re back at Natalya tells Tyson the wedding is off. Tyson calls Natalya a “Bridezilla”.
(RD:”STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!”)
Natalya tells Tyson that he basically thinks 13 years of their relationship is basically crap & their relationship is not meant to be & their wedding was supposed to represent a way to honor their relationship together. Natalya thinks this is Tyson’s way of getting out of their relationship & she wants no part of it!
RAW is setting up & Cameron wants to show off her implants by jumping up & down in front of Damien Sandow.
Damien Sandow:
“Only the simplest of minds enjoy the simplest of pleasures.”
Naomi thinks Cameron is completely out-of-control. Cameron shows Seamstress Sandra her implants & she likes them. Cameron wants Sandra to sew the implants into her costume so they won’t fly out of her top; Sandra is okay with that idea. Naomi unfortunately is not because she thinks now The Funkadactyls will be a laughing stock.
(RD: “You’re not there yet but you are getting there.”) Naomi gives her opinion on how Cameron is OK the way she is, Sandra says if she’s got the implants why not use the, & especially since Cameron has “mosquito bite” boobs.
(RD: “Cameron said that.”) Sandra says she doesn’t want to see flat-chested women on TV because she’s used to seeing that & it’s better to fit women with boobs.
Raw’s about to go live soon & Sandra has sewn the implants into Cameron’s top. The Funkadactyls are getting ready for tonight so Cameron grabs her new enhanced top & shows them off in front of The Bellas. Cameron lets The NXT Divas hold her new top & JoJo is surprised how heavy it is. Nikki’s thinking that Cameron’s trying to steal her spot for being “fan favorite”.
(RD: “Nikki’s once again so full of crap. She’s not the fan favorite because it’s AJ Lee since she’s the first ever WWE Diva to get over a million followers on Twitter!”)
RAW’s starting off & during a “Team Hell No”/The Shield Match; Cameron walks in to finish getting ready & she notices that Naomi’s already ready but there’s one problem. Cameron’s missing an implant from her top. Naomi thinks it’s funny, Cameron thinks Naomi stole it, Naomi says she didn’t steal it, Cameron says she can’t go out because she now looks lop-sided, Naomi suggests putting Cameron’s old padding into her top so that’ll work. Bad timing comes up when a producer tells The Funkadactlys they’re next. Cameron’s running around like a chicken with her head chopped off & wants Naomi’s help finding the missing implant but Naomi takes off to the RAW stage because she doesn’t want to get in trouble. Cameron’s about to roll up in the fetal position because she says she going to become the biggest joke in WWE history.
(RD: “Joke? She’s already a joke!”)
The “Team Hell No/Shield match is finishing up & Cameron improvises by the old school way of using Kleenex to stuff her top. Cameron runs to the “Gorilla Position” of the stage with The Bellas looking oddly concerned about Cameron, with Natalya soon following her. The Bellas watch from backstage as The Funkadactlys escort “Tons of Funk” (Brodus Clay & Tensai/Sweet T) to the ring as they go up against “3MB” (Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, & Jinder Mahal). Nikki’s boy friend John Cena shows up near The Bellas & Bree admits that they “Pranked”
(RD:”More like sabotaged if you ask me.”) Cameron by stealing the implant. Cena calls out The Bellas for treating Cameron bad & they must do the right thing.
(RD: “You certainly don’t want to piss off SuperCena! He’ll punch you into dust!”) The Bellas think it’s was a big joke since they are “family”.
(RD: “No it’s called being threatened. Women & the pro wrestling industry pull this type of crap all the time! The Bellas were legitimately afraid that Cameron would be the better Un-Diva. At least Cameron didn’t sleep her way to the top NIKKI!”) After the match The Bellas confront The Funkadactyls saying that Cameron “lost something” & Nikki shows the missing implant. Bree pulls out Cameron’s padding & apologizes saying it was a “joke”. (RD: “Yeah right!”) The Bellas & Cameron have some backstage small talk but Cameron tells us that she looking for revenge on The Bellas! Cameron decides that she won’t get the boob job for now because she wants to be a role model. Bree tries on Cameron’s implants & thinks its looks pretty weird.
Natalya returns home to find out that Tyson does have in fact some romance left in him because he had the home scattered with rose petals, candles, & a bottle of wine. Tyson gives Natalya a bouquet of roses & Natalya is shocked. Tyson apologizes to Natalya for not being romantic & if they had problems she should had said something; Natalya apologizes to Tyson because she felt she was missing something & maybe the wedding could fill that void. Natalya suggests a beach wedding with their pet cat being the ring bearer. We end the show with Natalya & Tyson about to get some sexy time.
End Of Show
